Shooting the French

Jen Apparated back to Sparks with David and Chris in tow. She was clearly still angry after the argument with Robert but had managed to wipe any trace of an argument from her face and seemed to be the picture of calm. Chris pushed Rob along and sat down beside him in the booth and forced David onto his lap who looked completely put out by the whole idea as well as completely embarrassed. Jen smirked and before turning her head and smiling at Khaat. She was happy to see her, even if she did look a bit over-worked. Jen didn’t think she would have let that happen to her but then she remembered that she didn’t work often enough to even look overworked. She owned a nightclub for goodness sake and worked as an Auror. The most that could happen is have a few bruises and scratches as well as looking shattered from the nightclub. Nothing to impressive.

Jen spotted something colourful poking out of the top of Khaat’s tote bag and grinned, recognising it as a Rubix cube. However, it wasn’t just a rubix cube, why in the hell would Khaat carry around one of those?
“Oh cool! I love Rubix cube.” She jumped over the table, vaulting it easily. She landed next to the bag and took the rather large cube from the bag and grinned as she twisted it round. She slid around to Pete and handed it to him. He pulled the top off and the two of them leaned closer to get a good look inside. The perfect components of a bomb. Except... it wouldn’t work. Whoever had made it had obviously been inexperienced and both Pete and Jen saw that instantly. The most it would do was shake a little.
“Man oh man. Where did you get this Khaat? If you’re going for the whole bombing thing I’d consider remaking it.” Pete laughed. Rob leaned over and looked inside before snorting loudly; he’d clearly seen that it wouldn’t blow either while Chris just looked mesmerised by the colours. “Unless you’re going to hypnotise people with ADHD of course.” Pete smirked, looking at Chris before shaking his head.

“I don’t agree!” Rob said indignantly. There was no way in hell he was going to let Vincent get Khaat, no way. He was a twat. He was an even bigger twat than Robert but that wasn’t really saying much. They were both pretty high up on the twat scale although Majere surpassed Robert because Rob could tolerate his father in law when he was being useful. Majere, in his opinion, was a complete and utter tosser. “With all due respect Khaat, I can let you do it. Not by yourself. You’re walking into a trap. Majere is a sleezy bastard. At least let someone like Jen take your place, Robert back me up here and I’ll make you a cheesecake.” He looked at his father-in-law and glanced at his sister who had looked up at the mention of her.

“Me?” she narrowed her eyes at him and conjured a bottle of wine and a glass for everyone. David poured some out into glasses and she spoke again. “I’m not going to shave Khaat’s head and make Polyjuice potions out of it and pose as her for however long. I’m not that flexible.”
“Actually...” Rob said thoughtfully, “That’s not a bad idea.”
“Uh... I said I wouldn’t do it. Did you hit your head? No offense to Khaat but there is no way in hell I’ll be able to pull her off and I don’t want to be fat. No offense once again but babies do get rather large. Don’t you think someone would notice that the kid has stopped growing after a while? Besides, aren’t there some side effects to impersonating a pregnant woman? Besides, Majere isn’t that stupid! I know most incredibly sexy men are, like you Rob. I wouldn’t of course but you’re attractive and ahh... I’m digging my own grave.”
“Yes darling, you are.” Chris laughed.

He turned to Khaat and smiled charmingly before shoving David onto Pete’s lap. “I’m Christophe Banet and this is my husband David.”
“Partner,” David bit out. Chris raised an eyebrow and David sighed as Pete finally relaxed. “Chris can we not play pass the parcel with me please?”
“Later then.” Chris smiled innocently, patting David’s leg and ignoring the groan that came from him.

“I’m putting my foot down.” Rob said with finality. “There is no way you’re going to Hogwarts with Majere because last time I checked, Emof could still get in there. St. Mungo’s clearly isn’t safe because Emof is running around with bombs that are hypnotising ADHD Frenchmen.” He said, hitting Chris at the back of his head in a very Gibbs-like way.
“Hey... no fair.” Chris pouted. “I do not have ADHD. What does that stand for anyway..... Oh my god! Wine!” He picked his glass up and drank down half of it. Rob and David sighed in exasperation, leaving only Pete to chuckle and continue to take the bomb apart with Jen at the table. “You know... you could always have her come with us. I have a whole new line of maternity wear. I need models but the ones I use refuse adamantly to get fat. I mean, for god sake its only nine months. I mean Christ. They get this bloody bundle of pooping, crying joy at the end and they’re getting piss over being fat ... I mean honestly. You would have thought-”
“Chris, please. Get to the point.” David bit his lip and dropped his head onto Pete’s shoulder. Pierre merely chuckled again and rubbed circles in his back.

“The point is that while Rob runs around as a horny Labrador and while Jen cavorts around pretending to be lovely Miss Dorothy minus the trashy shoes which I will supply later. We’ll even get you some red ones, kitten.” He winked at Khaat before changing his train of thought. “Actually, Nora said she had a pair she was doing a show. Pete do you remember? It was so good and we all got so drunk. I can’t remember a thing can-”
“Chris,” Jen said, doing something to the bomb to make the Rubix cube spin. She stopped it and smirked to herself. “Bomb’s fixed.” She mumbled. “Chris, the point again.”
Pete and Rob just couldn’t figure out how Chris knew about the Dorothy cracks they had made. Oh well.
“The point I’m trying to make is that I can play dress up with Dorothy while you all try and turn our lovely Miss Jenifer into Dorothy minius-”
“The trashy shoes.” Rob, David, Pete and Jen chorused before bursting into fits of laughter.
“I didn’t think it was that funny.” Chris huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Hurray for father-son bonding!” Jen said sarcastically. “This isn’t funny. Do you really in your right mind or wrong think that I can pull being Khaat off? I may be good at mimicry, acting and all that jazz but Khaat and I are like polar opposites for the most part and the awful thing is that Majere knows her. I don’t know how to be a bloody innocent, naive, I’m sorry, Lupin who is completely and utterly unselfish. These are all great traits except maybe naivety ... well, you’re not that naive but it’s beside the point. I can’t pretend to be Khaat. It’s impossible. Find someone else. Chris or someone.”
“Chris will lick Vincent.” Pete said seriously for once, causing Rob to snicker beside him. “It’s not funny, he will and Majere will think that Khaat is insane. You know how he get’s around new people. I’m surprised he’s been able to restrain himself around Robert and Dorothy.”
“Well they are Lupins.” Chris said indigently before standing up. “Come on ladies, get up.”

Jen growled under her breath and got up. She vaulted the back of the booth and walked over to Chris who was grinning widely. He hurried over to Khaat and pulled her by the wrist, dragging her over to stand opposite Jen. “Come on Dorothy, you’ve got to teach her how to be you.” Chris said happily, his grin not even wavering for a second. He was eating it all up, he thought it was brilliant. “Teach Jenny to be Dorothy and we’ll tell you why you’re Dorothy and you and Robdog can wander off somewhere and make puppies.... In a few days.” He said and an afterthought. “You look dreadful. We’re going to a spa, darling. You need pampering. Your husband is awful. He has enough money and yet he gives it to us. Bloody idiot, eh?”
“Chris!” Rob barked, sounding a lot like his Animagus form. “If you had bloody brains you’d be f*cking dangerous man.”
“Idiot.” Jen mumbled under her breath.
“It’s true. Honey, you look like hell. But we’ll spend your hubby’s money on a load of shit neither of us will never use and we’ll go to parties and shit while Jen is away. Now...”

Rob smirked from where he was sat and leaned against Pete who still had David practically asleep on him. He didn’t seem to mind too much though. “Clear your minds!” Chris said, sounding like a Divination teacher. “Khaat... I want you to teach Jen how to walk, talk, sit, stand, eat, dress like a ... um... princess?” he trailed off, frowning a little.
“This isn’t the Princess Diaries, Chris.” Rob laughed. “Walk, talk, sit, stand, eat, dress like Khaat.”
“I knew that.” Chris scoffed before grinning widely once more. “Jen needs to pass off as Khaat no just in appearance. I know you can do it Jenny. Dorothy, if you can do this I’ll get you some red shoes.”

Rob grinned and poked David in the leg. The idiot didn’t stir and he laughed at Pete who was drinking the bottle of wine on his own. He got up upon Robert’s request and joined him over with Khaat. He yawned and glanced over at Chris who was busily noting down ideas on what to dress Jen in. She looked as if she wanted to murder him and Rob was sure that if he wasn’t such a sexual dynamo from her point of view, she probably would have. "I'd make this quick, Robert. Jen looks like she wants to kill Chris."

Robert looked at Chris. He did understand why Jen would be irritated by him. It didn't bother Robert, but he did see why it wasn't Jen's cup of tea. Robert walked over to Chris and whispered something in his ear. Chris lit up like a little kid at Christmas. "Take a short break, Jen," Robert said quietly. Chris had accio'd a pad of paper and a pen from the counter and was onto something new now, his eyes bright and shining with creative energy.

He returned to Rob. "I just know I'm going to regret that," Robert said very softly to Rob. He turned his attention back to Khaat. "Khaat, listen. Vincent Majere does not have any sort of reputation for being genuine with anyone. I know you trust him, but its a lot like turning your back on a cobra. Khaat,.." He brushed her cheek affectionately, "You do trust me, and you do trust Rob. I know that much."

Khaat nodded. She did trust them. "But why do you think either of you need to not trust me with my own judgement about my friends? You haven't screened my friends since I was, what, five? And you stopped screening my dates by the time I was, what, 17? Why do I need you to do this for me now? Vincent would never, ever hurt me...."


"EIghteen," Robert corrected. "I stopped screening your friends and your dates when you were an adult, and not before. Look, I'm not necessarily out to destroy your friendship with Majere," Robert continued, "I'm not happy with it, and I can't speak for Rob. But, I do want you protected. I am sorry we weren't there for you when Emof came back. I know it was frightening. You had no choice but to assume that bomb was live and active, and, on top of that, that was no kind of surgery for a pregnant woman to have to perform. Let us just go in and find out how genuine Vincent really is. I know you believe you can trust him. We don't know that. Does he want you as a friend? Does he want to use you? Or does he want far more from you than you want to give? None of us want that. As for Jen, Jen can more than take care of herself. We don't want to risk you or Abbey either one. Our concern right now is you and Abbey. Chris is right that you could use some pampering. How about it? Let Jen take your place and she can double check Vincent for you along with protecting your teens? You're not in any shape to do either. We know Hogwarts is not safe. We need to be sure your kids who are already at Hogwarts are safe, and Jen can do that. You are not going to have the energy to do that while you're pregnant. We're thinking of the kids too. And, as you said, its temporary. Its not permanent."

Khaat looked at her father and then looked at Rob. She knew Rob didn't trust Vincent any farther than he could spit him. "He's just a friend, Rob," she said very softly, "There's never been anything more, never will be. Do you honestly--honestly--think this is necessary? Tell me the truth.You don't trust me? Is it that important to you?"