Cockney Accents and Motherly Advice

Robert apparated into the house with a loud crack and was almost immediately bitten by an armchair and skewered by an angry set of knitting needles that were fighting with the armchair. "Oh, Honestly!" he sighed, laughing. "Finite!" he shouted loudly. All the knitting disappeared, but the armchair continued to snap at him. "Oh, so you'll have to wear off, will you? Well, at least behavie yourself or I'll make you into firewood." The chair retreated, whimpering. He found Khaat and Rob in the kitchen and greeted them and checked Khaat briefly and then Abbey. "Well, at least she's finally getting some food. That's much better," Robert said. "As for your magic, I think its about time I set it to rights. Can't have you skewering things--or me. Or anybody else for that matter. Rob,here, is getting used to dodging this stuff." He pointed his wand at her and sent a powerful energy bolt through her that made her black out for several seconds.

When she woke up, she had a hell of a headache. "Try your magic now," he said, not telling her of his own headache from refueling both Rob and Khaat. He had refueled Khaat a couple of times during the last few days to keep her alive. And he hadn't told Rob. But it was making him tired. He needed time to recharge. He sat down tiredly in a kitchen chair. "Khaat, your magic is back to normal now. But it is not a reason to go out battling things again. You will need rest, Really good quality, nutritious food, and I'm putting Rob in charge of that before I have to make your mother move in--which is not good for me. NO adventuring alone. Rob would prefer you did not adventure at all, especially while you are carryiing Abbey. But I know there's a snowballs chance of stopping you from that. So--I did put an enchantment on you so that if you do go adventuring alone, I will know it and I will be providing you backup. And, I can transfer that enchantment to Rob at any time I choose. You will not endanger that child because of your need for an adrenalin fix. Do I make myself perfectly clear?" "Yes," Khaat answered.
"Your thinking now has to come back on its own. Along with your strength and all the lost weight. I swear, if you EVER do something so stupid again, I will remove your brain and put it in a jar and make you an automaton until I can dissect that silly little urge out of your brain before I put it back in your head! Am I making myself abundantly clear!" He was getting louder as he talked. He decided he was not going to explode at her and apparated out with an angry crack.

Khaat looked at Rob. "He does have a lot of little jars of those sorts of things. He wasn't kidding."

After all she'd done, she really had gotten off very lightly from her father, she knew. She didn't want Rob seeing anymore of how outraged he could get. As far as she knew, Rob had no clue about how much more he had within him. She rose from the breakfast table, "I really want a bit of fresh air. I'm just going to walk a bit outside. I won't go far, I promise," she said. "I have a lot to sort out."

She took her long black cape and put it on and left the house, the first time in days. Not far from the house, she apparated to where Remus's grave was, in the family plot in the cemetary near the farm in Cormwall. She didnt come here very often, even though it truly was the closest place to be nearest to Remus. She found his grave easily and conjured one red rose and took it to his grave. She wiped away the snow and pulled away the overgrown dead weeds from it. She sat down in the snow. Her heart so ached for him. So many wounds seemed so raw now. She wished so deeply that he was still here. She began to feel really sick. Her head began to spin, and she felt herself falling soflty into a heap in the snow.

The next thing she knew, someone was taking her hand, calling to her. She opened her eyes, and saw it was Remus who held her hand. She sat up like a shot. "Uncle Remus! You're back!" she was thunderstruck, the tears streaming down her face. He knelt next to her. "No," he said gently."You're having a vision, Khaat. Nothing truly brings back the dead. You know that. You're really still laying in the snow." He looked at her deeply, smiling at her. "Khaat. My sweet, sweet Khaat. What a beautiful woman you've become. And Abbey, well, she is so beautiful. Wait til you see. I am so proud of you. But I don't have much time so just listen. Khaat, you cannot continue to let your grief for me eat away at your life essence and your magic energies like a cancer. Your father will not always be around to restore you. Someday you'll have to do it for yourself. "

"I know," she said, barely above a whisper, trying not to sob with all the mixed emotions that were racing through her.

Remus stroked her cheek lovingly, "Khaat, you're letting your grief for me block all the wonderful things you could have with your husband and your new child. And these chases of yours will not avenge my death. It will not ever satisfy your need for revenge. Let it go, Khaat. It's time. It's one thing to fight for justice, but fighting for revenge? Well, that's quite another thing. I never taught you to do that. And a child now. It's time to change your focus and take care of your family and let yourself love. It really is alright for a warrior to come home."

"Then let me come home with you," she said softly, looking at him through her tears,

"Oh, no, no, no,' He shook his head, smiling. "No, my dearest. This is your time. I had mine. And if you're honest, it really isn't what you want. You have nearly killed yourself twice now out of your own pain. You know full well I would never have stood for that once, let alone twice. My dear, sweet child, I was taken from Teddy too soon. You're the one I have all the memories with. You will always feel like my child to me, as much as you see me as your true father. We all know that. Those of us who matter. I want you to have all the love and laughter and passion that I did. I want you to have all the joy that you are entitled to. And I want that for Abbey. Khaat, start doing the right things--taking care of you, your husband, your baby. Stop living in the past. Don't think of me as being gone forever. Just for now. It makes it easier for you to enjoy today. We will see each other again. Just not yet. But never fear--I will never, never be far away."

He faded from her saying, "I love you so very, very much." She fell into a limp heap again in the snow, sobbing.

The next thing she knew, she had been apparated, not by her own power, onto the floor of her bedroom, still in the exact same position she had been in the snow. And in her hand, she had Remus's signet ring--a ring her own father had insisted be buried with Remus. If it had not been for that and the fact that she was covered with snow, and was wet and cold, with tears streaming down her face, she would not have believed any of it had been real.

When Khaat had left the house Rob had finished washing the dishes. Afterwards he was at a loss of what to do. He heard a tumble and walked out into the hall to see the armchair at the bottom of the stairs. Rob chuckled and set it back on its feet. The ottoman yipped and rolled down the stairs, obviously hoping to land on the chair but the seat moved away, leaving the ottoman to land in a heap on the floor. Rob smirked and walked back into the living room, closely followed by the arm chair that had obviously taken a shine to him. Rob sat down on the floor and a deck of cards jumped off of the mantel above the fire. The furniture began to crowd around and Rob started to deal out the cards. “Alright, place your bets gentlemen.” He grinned.

Khaat called for Rob before she even thought. Her call for him left her lips before she could think about trying to bury any more pain inside. Before she could think about how he was going to find her on the floor in a heap, wet and tearful and covered with snow. She managed to sit up, but she sat, her uncle's ring in her hand, stunned, studying the ring she had seen every day of her life almost, until he was killed. It was as if he had given it to her to give him a piece of himself, to remind her of what he now wanted her to do. A new assignment. A new direction. She wasn't sure it made things easier just yet, but Remus certainly supported Rob--completely. That much she was certain. But now that the tears were started, could she turn them off? She didn't know.

He’d won the coat rack, a new hat and a shoe by the time Rob heard Khaat call him. He got to his feet and threw in what he’d won, deeming it utter crap and better off in the pot. The chair looked over at him and Rob motioned for his new friend to follow him. So, the pair of them wandered upstairs to Khaat’s room. Rob opened the door and found his wife sitting on the floor covered in snow. He raised an eyebrow and glanced at the chair that seemed to mirror his expression – well, if chairs could do that; Rob thought they could. Rob stepped inside and the chair followed him obediently. “Darlin’, why are you on the floor?” Rob asked hesitantly as he made his way over to Khaat. He brushed some snow off of her shoulders and out of her hair before cupping his hands together and blowing some air into them. He rubbed his hands together and them put them on Khaat’s cheeks. They were ice cold but he didn’t mind so much. The chair came over and Rob scooped Khaat up. He set her down in the chair and smiled at her. “Don’t tell me you climbed through the window. As awesome as it sounds... It is unlikely, babe.”

"N..No," She shivered. "No.. Remus. Remus sent me home. Look. He gave this to me. Daddy buried him with it. I saw Remus." She knew she sounded like she had been into the potions again, but she really hadn't. And if Rob were thinking he would know that while she had been taking the potions, she could not have cried if her life had depended upon it. She handed him the ring. "He came back to me. He really did."

“Alright Darlin’.” Rob soothed. “I believe you.” He truly did believe Khaat as well unless she’d been drinking as well. No one just went and dug up a ring from their uncle’s grave. Hell, Jen went grave robbing in her spare time but not even she’d do that. Rob did believe her. “Just calm down.” He kissed her tears away and brushed some more of that snow off of her cape and body. She was shivering and Rob knew that his favourite prick of a father-in-law would definitely mount his head on the well and throw darts at it if he let her keep getting cold. “Let’s run you a bath, eh?”

"I..I can do it. Really. I'm sorry. I just..wanted to go out for a bit...I had no idea..." She got up and left him mid sentence before she started crying in front of him again. She sought solace under the water of the hot shower. It had been so much and yet so little. She had spent over 30 years just desperately seeking one more moment, one more word, one more touch. And this, this had been so much more. Beyond her every hope. She stood so long in the water, unable to stop her tears that she thought for sure Rob would be coming to be sure she didn't drown.

She wrapped up in the gray flannel robe again, desperate for some comfort, but no longer shivering. She had managed to regain herself. Rid herself of her tears, and made herself at least seem calm on the outside. She found Rob still waiting on her in the bedroom. She conjured herself a cup of french roast, purely for the comfort it provided for her, not giving a thought to Rob's preference that she not have it.

"It's the truth, you know. I used to see that ring nearly every day from as long as I can remember until the day we buried him," she said very softly. "I...thought maybe i'd fainted in the snow or somethign and imagined the whole bit, and then I woke up here at home...with that. It had to be him. We talked. Really talked. He...he mentioned you...and Abbey. And this last little bit. He knew about all of it. Rob?" She was anxious in asking this next question. Wasn't sure she wanted the truth. "Are you pacifying me? Am I really just damaged goods that you're stuck with now, keeping me out of the mental ward at St. Mungos? Have I just really lost my mind altogether. I think that potion, maybe, might be capable of that. Tell me the truth."

Khaat had too much emotional baggage and even with the apparition of Remus coming back to speak with her she still seemed to carry a weight that wasn’t hers to bear. He would have lied if he’d said that it didn’t bother him. Rob was bothered by it and he couldn’t deny it but it was just something; that niggling feeling that told him that something was wrong with the picture. Once Khaat had disappeared into the bathroom Rob sat down on the bed and looked at the arm chair that was facing the bathroom, as if waiting for Khaat to return every second. Rob knew that it wasn’t best to voice his opinion to the upholstery just yet. Both of them didn’t want to say something that Khaat would overhear.

When she returned the cup of coffee was the first to come with her. Rob didn’t really approve but he knew she wanted it – what for he didn’t know but that wasn’t his problem. Rob got up and sat down in the chair, listening to what Khaat was saying. He didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t know really what to say. It was the first time someone had actually put it all in black and white and Rob wasn’t sure that Khaat should have been the one to do it. She was carrying his child; she was more to him than just damaged goods. If that was all she was worth then he would have jumped ship a long, long time ago and gone back to whoever would have him. He just didn’t really know what to say, she was damaged that was the bottom line but that didn’t bother him too much. Sure he couldn’t really grasp why she couldn’t let go but if he had the chance he’d still be searching for Jinx’s father.

“You are damaged Khaat. Some of it can be fixed but you’re holding onto things that have left you long ago. You have to learn to let me in and help you. No amount of Remus Lupin coming back to see you is going to fix any of that because it’s your ball in your court; you have to take the first step. The dead know everything Khaat, everything about everyone. Death brings a lot of knowledge. I’m trying to really get to grips with your insecurities and everything else that comes with it but sometimes it’s difficult. I love you so much but you’ve just got to learn to let everything go and start anew. You’ve got to let him go.”

She sipped on her coffee--one long slow sip. She didn't look up. He'd struck her right at the very heart of where terror existed for her. Letting Remus go. Hell, that part of her was so raw it was that part of her heart that had been shredded for years. She was NOT going to let him see that even though she knew full well he was right, it terrified her. She wasn't afraid of anything--except that. That and losing Rob.

"You're right," she managed in a very small voice. "I'll work on it." And she would. For Rob, she would do anything. Anything he asked of her. But this time he was asking a lot. But she honestly would give it her best. Remus had asked, basically, the same thing of her. Not to give him up entirely. He'd merely asked her to, sort of, set him aside to enjoy her life. That seemed a much more palatable way of phrasing it to her. She tried to redirect her mind to something else, but then she realized, her emotions were so raw now without the potion that she was starting to feel again. And there was a lot more there that was raw. All the potions had done was to put it off for awhile. Well, she should have been smart enough to figure that out before she'd taken the damned stuff. Now it was all ambushing her simultaneously. That somehow just didn't seem fair, but she said nothing. She had done it to herself, and she knew it.

She wanted to look at him. She wanted to send him off to that Lestrange woman. Maybe she'd treat him better. Maybe she wasn't as damaged. He deserved so very much better. She loved him much too much to saddle him with someone so damaged. And just when had that happened, anyway? Hadn't they laughed? Hadn't they loved? Hadn't they been happy? When did this creep up on her? She felt completely blindsided. She did not want him to know how very strong the urge was to run from him for good in utter shame. But no. She knew life without him was not even the slightest bit bearable.

"I think I'll go read," she said very softly. She got up, still unable to look at him, and went down to the study. She pulled the first book off the shelf she came to, not caring what it was, and ironically, it was the book of Dark Arts spells she had wanted--when was it she had wanted that, anyway? Well, now it was just a pure curiosity. She sat down in the study and began to read about how to cast Dark spells. Well, trying to, anyway. Her mind couldn't concentrate on the first word. She didn't realize she was mindlessly twirling the new souvenir ring around her finger as she read. Well, as she sat, her own mind spinning a milliion miles a minute. She was hoping Rob's leglimens skills weren't picking up on how damned fast her mind was running. She had never known her mind to try to process so much information all at the same faster-than-the-speed-of-light pace. Trying to make everything right, and wondering if it ever had been in the first place.

Then a new thought hit her. She could make herself be okay. She transfigured her robe into wearable street clothes. She would, as the muggles said, "pull herself up by her own bootstraps" and make herself be instantly okay again. She would refuse to be any appearance whatsoever of damaged goods. That would work. "I'll be back, Rob," she shouted. "Going out for a bit. Don't worry. I'm fine." She took both her wands, sticking one in her boot, and grabbed her coat. She apparated out with a loud crack.

She apparated first back to her little hidden spot out of England that only Matt knew about. It was night time here. She decided to face her demons on her own. She dug down deep in her soul, clear to the roots, and unleashed it all. All at once. All the pain, all the fear, all the demons. It caused a hell of a thunderstorm. Blinding winds and rain and terrible lightning. She stood rock solid strong and still and just let the storm lash at her, let it force her to unleash the garbage she'd carried for so many years. No, she would not take Rob here. She had to do this for herself. He'd been right about that. It beat at her, until she fell into a weak, limp, sobbing heap on the rocky ground. She had never, ever grieved for Remus, never grieved for how much it hurt when Rob left. Bu, when there were just no tears left, the pain seemed quiet now. Either gone or resting, and she wasn't sure which. She got up and looked around at all the destruction she'd caused. Broken trees, rockslide damage, rising tides in the river. sheer destructive chaos. She had no idea she was capable of that kind of magic or destruction. She was soaking wet and covered in mud and debris.

She apparated back into her office at St. Mungos. Back to work. That was the ticket .She showered, cleaned herself up, conjured more fresh clothes, feeling exhausted, but not nearly so haunted. That part of her was, too, either gone or resting. She was much more herself than she had been in a long, long time, and, hopefully, more acceptable to Rob. Remus's visit helped her put life in perspective again. She knew Rob wasn't stupid, but she hoped he wasn't that onto her that he would realize it was the only place now that she would think of coming. The clock on her desk said she'd only really been gone about 3 hours. It had taken far less than she thought, and she was glad for that. Either it wasn't all gone, or it was just so raw that it was all ready to be released. She didn't know. It was still daytime here. Maybe Rob wouldn't really have missed her.

She called her father into her office, and told him honestly about the day's events. He hadn't been surprised in the least. Not even about Remus reappearing to her. He explained the missing pieces about her illness to her, and about how her magic was fed by his own, and how it now fed Rob's as well, in a rare bonding process. She had asked him to unbond her from both her and Rob. His eyes became serious as he explained that if he did that, she would die. Neither he or Rob would be affected. But she would surely die. She had "burned it out" too severely twice now, and it was not gionig to be rekindled. Not while Abbey was also feeding on Khaat's magic.

Khaat sealed him to a promise, that if things with her and Rob did not get any better, and if she continued to be seen by Rob as being so damaged, that the moment Abbey was born and breathing, Robert would unbond her from them both and let her die and let Rob raise Abbey alone without her. Robert agreed, but not without a tear in his eye as he did. He believed he was agreeing, at this point, merely to appease her.

He understood her need to not tie Rob to Khaat's own suffering. But he truly did not believe it ever needed to come to that. He did see she was significantly better than she had been since even before Remus died. She, largely, had freed herself--by herself. She just did not remember what that even felt like anymore. She needed some time now, and a little fun. Simultaneously, he did not want to have to think he would have to be responsible for her death. He knew she wasn't suicidal, but she truly loved Rob too much to tie him to her if she could not, by then, resolve her pain. He agreed, but inside he was determined that he would bring her out of her remaining insecurity enough that she would not hold him to it. Now, her biggest fear was in looking like she still "wasn't right." If need be, Robert would take her to wherever it took to help her work through her lack of confidence in herself. He would do that before he ever had to keep his agreeement with her. But by making it, he had bought time. She would not get desperate again before Abbey was born. And if she did, she would turn to him if she could not turn to Rob for whatever reason. They had a promise to each other. He left her alone then, his senses set again on hypervigilance towards her.

Her solicitor had delivered a big stack of guardianship/adoption papers for her on her desk. She was glad of that. She put them on the edge of her desk where she would remember them and sat down to work. She conjured an extra large, extra strong cup of french roast to combat the deep exhaustion now. She would make things be okay again. Maybe better. Maybe now she could be whatever Rob needed her to be. Maybe he wouldn't see her as so much of a damaged set of goods anymore. But then, how would he see her now? Did she fix it enough for him to want to stay? She shook her head, trying to shake him out of her mind, and tried to glue herself to her coffee and her paperwork.