She sipped on her coffee--one long slow sip. She didn't look up. He'd struck her right at the very heart of where terror existed for her. Letting Remus go. Hell, that part of her was so raw it was that part of her heart that had been shredded for years. She was NOT going to let him see that even though she knew full well he was right, it terrified her. She wasn't afraid of anything--except that. That and losing Rob.
"You're right," she managed in a very small voice. "I'll work on it." And she would. For Rob, she would do anything. Anything he asked of her. But this time he was asking a lot. But she honestly would give it her best. Remus had asked, basically, the same thing of her. Not to give him up entirely. He'd merely asked her to, sort of, set him aside to enjoy her life. That seemed a much more palatable way of phrasing it to her. She tried to redirect her mind to something else, but then she realized, her emotions were so raw now without the potion that she was starting to feel again. And there was a lot more there that was raw. All the potions had done was to put it off for awhile. Well, she should have been smart enough to figure that out before she'd taken the damned stuff. Now it was all ambushing her simultaneously. That somehow just didn't seem fair, but she said nothing. She had done it to herself, and she knew it.
She wanted to look at him. She wanted to send him off to that Lestrange woman. Maybe she'd treat him better. Maybe she wasn't as damaged. He deserved so very much better. She loved him much too much to saddle him with someone so damaged. And just when had that happened, anyway? Hadn't they laughed? Hadn't they loved? Hadn't they been happy? When did this creep up on her? She felt completely blindsided. She did not want him to know how very strong the urge was to run from him for good in utter shame. But no. She knew life without him was not even the slightest bit bearable.
"I think I'll go read," she said very softly. She got up, still unable to look at him, and went down to the study. She pulled the first book off the shelf she came to, not caring what it was, and ironically, it was the book of Dark Arts spells she had wanted--when was it she had wanted that, anyway? Well, now it was just a pure curiosity. She sat down in the study and began to read about how to cast Dark spells. Well, trying to, anyway. Her mind couldn't concentrate on the first word. She didn't realize she was mindlessly twirling the new souvenir ring around her finger as she read. Well, as she sat, her own mind spinning a milliion miles a minute. She was hoping Rob's leglimens skills weren't picking up on how damned fast her mind was running. She had never known her mind to try to process so much information all at the same faster-than-the-speed-of-light pace. Trying to make everything right, and wondering if it ever had been in the first place.
Then a new thought hit her. She could make herself be okay. She transfigured her robe into wearable street clothes. She would, as the muggles said, "pull herself up by her own bootstraps" and make herself be instantly okay again. She would refuse to be any appearance whatsoever of damaged goods. That would work. "I'll be back, Rob," she shouted. "Going out for a bit. Don't worry. I'm fine." She took both her wands, sticking one in her boot, and grabbed her coat. She apparated out with a loud crack.
She apparated first back to her little hidden spot out of England that only Matt knew about. It was night time here. She decided to face her demons on her own. She dug down deep in her soul, clear to the roots, and unleashed it all. All at once. All the pain, all the fear, all the demons. It caused a hell of a thunderstorm. Blinding winds and rain and terrible lightning. She stood rock solid strong and still and just let the storm lash at her, let it force her to unleash the garbage she'd carried for so many years. No, she would not take Rob here. She had to do this for herself. He'd been right about that. It beat at her, until she fell into a weak, limp, sobbing heap on the rocky ground. She had never, ever grieved for Remus, never grieved for how much it hurt when Rob left. Bu, when there were just no tears left, the pain seemed quiet now. Either gone or resting, and she wasn't sure which. She got up and looked around at all the destruction she'd caused. Broken trees, rockslide damage, rising tides in the river. sheer destructive chaos. She had no idea she was capable of that kind of magic or destruction. She was soaking wet and covered in mud and debris.
She apparated back into her office at St. Mungos. Back to work. That was the ticket .She showered, cleaned herself up, conjured more fresh clothes, feeling exhausted, but not nearly so haunted. That part of her was, too, either gone or resting. She was much more herself than she had been in a long, long time, and, hopefully, more acceptable to Rob. Remus's visit helped her put life in perspective again. She knew Rob wasn't stupid, but she hoped he wasn't that onto her that he would realize it was the only place now that she would think of coming. The clock on her desk said she'd only really been gone about 3 hours. It had taken far less than she thought, and she was glad for that. Either it wasn't all gone, or it was just so raw that it was all ready to be released. She didn't know. It was still daytime here. Maybe Rob wouldn't really have missed her.
She called her father into her office, and told him honestly about the day's events. He hadn't been surprised in the least. Not even about Remus reappearing to her. He explained the missing pieces about her illness to her, and about how her magic was fed by his own, and how it now fed Rob's as well, in a rare bonding process. She had asked him to unbond her from both her and Rob. His eyes became serious as he explained that if he did that, she would die. Neither he or Rob would be affected. But she would surely die. She had "burned it out" too severely twice now, and it was not gionig to be rekindled. Not while Abbey was also feeding on Khaat's magic.
Khaat sealed him to a promise, that if things with her and Rob did not get any better, and if she continued to be seen by Rob as being so damaged, that the moment Abbey was born and breathing, Robert would unbond her from them both and let her die and let Rob raise Abbey alone without her. Robert agreed, but not without a tear in his eye as he did. He believed he was agreeing, at this point, merely to appease her.
He understood her need to not tie Rob to Khaat's own suffering. But he truly did not believe it ever needed to come to that. He did see she was significantly better than she had been since even before Remus died. She, largely, had freed herself--by herself. She just did not remember what that even felt like anymore. She needed some time now, and a little fun. Simultaneously, he did not want to have to think he would have to be responsible for her death. He knew she wasn't suicidal, but she truly loved Rob too much to tie him to her if she could not, by then, resolve her pain. He agreed, but inside he was determined that he would bring her out of her remaining insecurity enough that she would not hold him to it. Now, her biggest fear was in looking like she still "wasn't right." If need be, Robert would take her to wherever it took to help her work through her lack of confidence in herself. He would do that before he ever had to keep his agreeement with her. But by making it, he had bought time. She would not get desperate again before Abbey was born. And if she did, she would turn to him if she could not turn to Rob for whatever reason. They had a promise to each other. He left her alone then, his senses set again on hypervigilance towards her.
Her solicitor had delivered a big stack of guardianship/adoption papers for her on her desk. She was glad of that. She put them on the edge of her desk where she would remember them and sat down to work. She conjured an extra large, extra strong cup of french roast to combat the deep exhaustion now. She would make things be okay again. Maybe better. Maybe now she could be whatever Rob needed her to be. Maybe he wouldn't see her as so much of a damaged set of goods anymore. But then, how would he see her now? Did she fix it enough for him to want to stay? She shook her head, trying to shake him out of her mind, and tried to glue herself to her coffee and her paperwork.
by 
