Checking out

Chase took deep breaths with him and listened to his voice, and held onto his other hand, her whole body was shaking hard and she tried to concentrate on her words. Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "I am crazy... no other mom loses it so badly... other moms keep it together.. I have to protect Katie.. I have to... and I can't even take care of myself... I make bad choices.. like you said... it was my fault with Elijah, and I'm just a child.. and and... I'm not fit to be a mother, or a godmother.. I want to.. I want to be the best I can.. but I'm so scared.. and I'm not prepared for this.. I'm not! I'm still in so much pain, and it hurts.. it hurts so much... I'm not cut out for this Angus.. I'm not. "She whispered and leaned her head on the bed, her hands above her head as she held onto his hands.

"Angus... I just wanna go back to before.... I want to be happy.. and I'm so scared... I'm so scared, and it hurts..." She touched her neck where the scratch marks were. "Inside... it's like I'm choking all the time... I can't breath... I can't think right... I want to do what you want of me... I want to learn to fight.. but I can't.. I can't hurt things Angus... and when I've tried standing up for myself... It gets worse.." She looked at Angus and tried to wipe her tears away but more just took their place. "Angus.. I'm so sorry... I'm sorry... I want to be a good mom... I'm a horrible person.. I just want to get better, and I'm so scared.. and it hurts." She whispered, and clung to his hands weakly, tears dripping onto the bed.

"Other moms do 'lose it,'" Angus said softly. "You weren't there to see the ugly part of Khaat's recovery from Barker after he had her. Every time she went to sleep, she woke up screaming repeatedly. She still does sometimes. She wasnt able to take care of Abbey for awhile. Thats why we helped her. For the same reason Calvin helps you.

"We all make mistakes. All of us. Right now, I'm kicking myself for letting Khaat walk into the next room in that bridal shop today. I should have been with her. I shouldn't have let her wander one step from me, not one second out of my sight. I know better. I made a mistake. A bad one. And it hurt someone I love. I should have...done a lot of things better than I did," he said softly. Chase would never know how desperately he had tried to look for her when she had disappeared. He hadn't forgiven himself for not stopping her from suffering the way she had.

"Nobody ever feels like they're really ready to be a parent, Chase. They just do the best they know how. You're a good mom. Katie is healthy and happy and she is so very loved. You've always given the very best you know, the best you have. And that puts you lightyears above a lot of other parents who have kids because they have the biology to do it and then never pay one ounce of attention to them. It sounds to me like Katie has more than enough.

"You don't need to do anything more right now than to go home, rest, see Katie, and take some time for yourself. Let Calvin make you smile again. The rest will come when you're ready for it. The more you try to push it to happen, the more that you see how much you want to be different. The less you push, the quicker you'll heal."

"I think you'll stop leaking now," Hannah told him. She poured a bit of a restorative potion for him. "You know this is temporary. It will only last an hour or two at best, but it should get you home. I'll send a bottle with you, but don't overdo it. The side effects of too much of it aren't very pleasant."

"I know, I know," he said, slugging down a dose of the potion as Hannah tucked another potions bottle in his bag. She helped him sit up. His head spun a little. She flicked her wand at his shirt to at least remove the worst of the blood stains from it and handed the shirt back to him. "Maybe I should send you the rest of my laundry," he laughed.

"Funny, Tough Guy," She laughed. "You're free to go. Chase, why don't you let him take you home? I don't think this is the best place for you to be right now. I think you'd be better off if you were home."

Chase sat staring at the bed as Angus talked. Telling her that every other mother had it hard as well. It didn't make sense though... why didn't they let everyone know? It would be so much easier if mothers were able to break down with each other once in a while, confess fears, and talk about it, then they wouldn't feel so alone. And Chase knew that everything he had said earlier was true. That was Angus speaking, what someone said when they were angry, it was how they really felt, because they were to angry to think about what they were saying, or to lie very well. He thought of her as a child, not a woman, irresponsible, and she agreed. She agreed 100% with that statement. She was a child, she was irresponsible, and she knew that some part of him was still angry at her.. angry for being angry.. it sucked.

Hannah patched Angus up completely and he chugged some potion, and then she directed a comment at Chase that she nearly missed but she looked up startled before nodding slightly. "okay... I just.. I wanna see my baby.. Reed should be there.. so.. it won't be bad.. I'll have to get ahold of Calvin and tell him I got a ride home though.." She said sounding worried. "He won't know unless I tell him.. and he would freak out if he got here and I was gone without him.. that would be bad.." Chase whispered and slowly stood up, picking up Albus who had jumped onto the floor and was sniffing in the corner, and she held him to her chest, staring at the door. "Angus..." She said slowly, her eyes traveling over to him. "Can I ask you a question?" She stared at him for a couple of seconds before she looked at the ground. "Do a lot of people know? Do people know I got tortured.. and nearly killed.. and then went insane? So many people came to visit me.. and I wonder if it's just.. common knowledge that Chase Moor lost her head and ended up in a psych ward.." Chase winced at the words, but she knew they were true. She had lost it, tried to kill Khaat, nearly tried to kill herself, and she was still having problems itching at her throat, and breaking into hysterical sobs. Even now she caught herself scratching at her neck, and leaving long red marks on it, almost deep enough to bleed.

"Hannah, get paper and a pen, please, and an owl," Angus said quietly, wanting Chase to have a chance to have a moment alone with him. Hannah simply nodded and left. "We'll send Calvin word so he wont' worry. We'll send him an owl. He'll be fine as long as he knows you're safe. And as for your question, no. I don't believe so. The people who visted you were your friends, were they not? If they were your true friends, then all they were interested in was doing anything they could to make you feel better. Khaat and Robert and Brian never told people about what happened between you three except for those of us that were either there or were part of your family. An we never thought anything except about how much we loved you. That and wishing we had some sort of magic potion that we could have given you that woud have just felt like your old self again. And those of us who do know aren't going to exactly publish it around. If anyone doesn't like you anymore, then they're not worth your energy. Tney dont know you. They've never been through what you have. And if they just really don't get it or get you, well, they're not worth your time or your energy. Ignore them. Leave them alone."

Hannah brought back the parchment and a quill. He picked up the quill. "Calvin--We haven't met. I'm Chase's brother. I'm taking her home so I'm sure she gets there safely. She'll be at home when you get there. A. Donohue." He rolled up the parchment and handed it to the little brown owl who seemed eager to fly. "Take this to Calvin Ransom," He told the bird. He opened a litle pouch in his bag and got out a little treat that Kate Lupin made for her owls and fed them. It was a treat they loved that included lots of extra vitamins for them. He fed a couple of the treats to the owl and sent it on its way.

He looked at Chase with a smile and then easily shouldered her bags along with his own. "First--are you ready to go? And second? Any chance you're hungry? What can you eat? You name it, I'll fix it. Or well get it take out style so you can get home quicker. Order whatever you like. You have to eat something. And it would be a nice surprise to Katie and Reid as well. My treat. I seldom get to treat the ones I love. I'd enjoy it. So, your wish is my command, my lady," he smiled.

Chase stared at Angus and frowned, "It really wasn't my good friends.. they just... knew.." She said frowning, looking at him and frowning. "They were people I knew... just from school, who came and visited, not knowing me to well... some people I didn't even remember... they just.. came. "She said frowning and sighing slightly, looking at Angus and watched as Angus started to write a note to Calvin. "Thank you." She whispered to him, watching the words appear on the paper as he said them aloud. Suddenly he was getting up and grabbing her bags as well as his own. She stood up and frowned when he asked her if she was hungry. She stood for a long moment trying to listen to her stomach and figure out if she was hungry.

"I don't know.." She whispered and looked at him. "I don't know if I'm hungry.. is that.. weird?" She asked softly and frowned. "I remember the feeling... I know what it felt like... but... It's like I'm never hungry anymore.." She looked down at herself and then touched her stomach and feeling the bones sticking out there. "I don't remember the last time I ate to be honest... I was fed.. but I don't remember... the exact last time I ate." She frowned and wrapped her hands around her waist, and realized she could very nearly wrap her hands around her stomach. "I'm skinny..." She said softly, staring at her her hands and then looking up at Angus. "Sure... I think I'm hungry..." She said and nodded at him.

"Its not weird at all to not really know if you're hungry or not. When one goes without food for awhile, one loses track of what the physical sensations of hunger really are and then one becomes a bit numb to them. Its a survival mechanism again--something to keep you safe and alive by helping your body to conserve energy. Alright Let's get out of here. Perhaps we should apparate? I dont' think you're ready for long walks. Take my arm. Lets go see what Reid and Calvin have stocked in your fridge and your pantry that we can fix. If there's nothing there, I'll send out to Lizzie at Sparks for whatever you like."

His priority was to get her into a setting where she didn't feel threatened so that she could start to relax a bit and not be so hypervigilant. If she didn't have to be so on guard, then she would be a bit more secure and stable. When she took his arm, he apparated her home. He took her right on the other side of her front door--inside her own home. He didn't want to intrude to go further, but he wanted her to be in a place where she felt safe and sound.

"Why don't you just sit and relax? That is if you dont' mind my checking out your kitchen to see what we can cook. Anything you feel like eating? If you haven't eaten for awhile, it would be perfectly normal for your stomach to be a bit touchy. You'll be better with something a bit gentle. Oh, and I'll take your bag to your room and drop it off in there for you." He set the bag down on the floor and flicked his wand at it. "Go and unpack," he ordered the bag. The bag sprang up and flew into the bedroom, items already starting to fly out of the bag to unpack themselves. He put his own bag on the floor close to the door

Suddenly they were home, right inside her front door, and Chase felt like sobbing out of relief. It didn't appear anyone was home yet, Reid must have taken Katie out to the park, or over to day care. Chase stared down her own hallway, unbelieving that she was finally here. She was home, Chase half glanced at Angus as he ordered her suitcase to unpack itself, and her stuff flew into her bedroom. Chase took a few hesitant steps forward and then half broke into a run until she was able to see the rest of the house. She stumbled slightly and half tripped over the carpet that Calvin seemed to trip over often.

Chase stared into her living room, the living room she had been denied living in for a very long time. Katie's blanket was laying on the floor, her little hanging toys over it, some soft toys on the floor next to it. Chase let out a half sob, and looked into the kitchen, pancake mix sat on the counter, as well as a cake, with her name on it. Chase put her hand over her mouth and tried not to cry to loudly. "I bet we ruined every plan they had... I bet they took Katie out so that she would be tired, so she wouldn't cry... and they wanted Calvin to pick me up so that they could cut the cake." Chase whispered and then slowly went into the room, sitting down on the couch and running her fingers over the the fabric, slowly kicking off her shoes and looking around her home.

It was so long, and for to long. She didn't realize that the site of the house would impact her so much. Chase let out a soft whimper and put her hand over her mouth. "I missed this place so much." She whispered and went to her knees on the floor, and picked up Katie's blanket and pulled it to her face, sitting on her knees, and holding the blanket to her chest. "I miss them... " She slowly looked back at Angus, and wiped her eyes, slowly getting to her feet. "I'm sure there isn't much food in there.." She said gesturing to the kitchen. "Reid is probably picking up supper, or getting groceries for supper... with Katie... Calvin is at work..." She couldn't help but whimper softly and sit back down on the much to low couch, holding Katie's blanket to her chest.

Angus was glad that Chase was pleased to be home. He saw the pancake mix and the decorated cake. "I take it they were planning on pancakes?" he asked. "Has somebody gotten some sort of an attachment to pancakes?" He looked in the fridge and the pantry. He found what he needed to make a large kettle of Kate's secret recipe cocoa. It was always made with whole cream instead of milk, and it was super rich, sweet, chocolatey, and always very soothing. He reserved enough of the cream to make some whipped cream for the top and found a candy bar to make some chocolate curls to decorate the top. It didn't take long, but he could make the recipe in his sleep, and he knew how much Chase had liked Kate's secret recipe cocoa when she had lived with them. He poured the cocoa into a mug, conjured a pastry bag to add the whipped cream properly and then garnished it with the chocolate curls. He made himself a mug and then took the two mugs into the living room.

"Here," he said. "I've never known of this to not be just pure comfort. Kate always did make the best cocoa in the world." He handed her a mug and then sat down in a chair across from her. "If they don't bring dinner, I'll fix something." He wasn't planning on staying, but he wanted to at least know she was going to be alright. Being home was an adjustment in itself for her.

Chase looked up at Angus as he came in with that cocoa she loved so much. "Oh Angus.." She whispered and stared at the cup, smiling at him and setting the blanket down on her lap, reaching out and taking the cup from his hands. "Thank you so much... that looks wonderful... how you found all of the ingredients in this house I'll have no idea..." She smiled at him and pointed her finger into the whip cream and licking her finger, laying her head back and it was like the assault of her stomach started. Pain started from her stomach and cramped up her whole body. It was like the stomach spasms had waited until it knew she could eat, and then it assaulted her body. Normal hunger simply made your stomach growl, and you ate and it was cured. Her body was way past the growling stage, had forgotten what that was, and just ached.

Chase gasped and nearly dropped the cocoa, before she carefully set it down. "Angus... I need.. food." She whispered and stared at him. "It hurts... what kind of food... did Khaat eat... when she was... bad." She said and wrapped her arms around her stomach. "It hurts so much... What kind of food qualifies for light food? I just really need something to eat... please?" She asked staring at Angus, tears filling her eyes as she felt the pain spread to her scars and she whimpered and pulled her knees to her chest. "Cocoa isn't about to fix that.." She looked at him and pulled the blanket to her stomach, and looked at Angus, trying to keep the pain back.

He motioned his bag to come to him. It slid across the floor to him and he opened it. He looked through the things he'd gotten fro St. Mungos and selected a potion bottle that was al too familiar to him. He got a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and poured a dose of the potion into it.

"Take this," he said softly. "Robert brewed this potion for Khaat because she had exactly the same issue. More than once. If he hadn't managed to formulate it, she'd have surely died long before this, but I'll tell you those stories later. It will soothe your stomach and soothe your nerves both. Your nerves are what cause your stomach to rebel. The potion will stop all of that for you. I can't guarantee complete and total peace, but you will feel a bit more steady and you won't lose your food. It really does help."

He knew Khaat's past. How Robert had saved her singlehandedly all three times she had gotten bone thin and on the edge of death from starvation. The first had been when Remus had been killed. Khaat's endless grief to Remus was the greatest scar in her heart. It had never healed. Robert had been called to Hogwarts after the battle by Minerva McGonnegall to come and collect Khaat and take her home. She could not be torn from Remus's body. Robert had taken her home where she had nearly withered away completely from the horrible grief that threatened to rip her in two. He had brewed the potion then. He had worked tirelessly, without sleep or without even a break for endless days until he had it. And then he had stayed with it until he had drawn her back from death.

It had happened twice more. The second time had come during her self emposed exile when she had taken over Remus's rooms in Robert's farmhouse. She saw no point in the wizarding world. And she hid herself away in the suite of rooms until Robert found her collapsed on the floor of her sitting room. She was nearly completely gone again.

The third time had been during her pregnancy and birth of Abbey. The disintegration of her marriage to Rob and not knowing why Rob didn't love her enough to stay tore at her. She was devastated at how he could just walk away when she carried their child. She had nearly starved herself to death. For Khaat, it had always been insurmountable suffering that had caused it.

When he had gotten her back from Barker, he had simply started the potion immediately, unwilling to let it happen a fourth time. And he narrowly guided her away from it. Now he kept it on hand. It had been one of the things Angus had come for now. Fortunately, he had taken more than one bottle and put it in his bag. Angus didnt' intend to tell Chase how much Khaat really would understand. Chase didn't need that information right now. He doubted she would find it comforting in the least.