Sand and Snow

Khaat saw Brian just lean against the dresser and watch the girls play for awhile. Then he said to her gently. "Dinner's probably ready. Come eat." He picked up Dakota because she was heading for trouble with Abbey again. "Oh no you don't," he said to her. Dakota babbled happily when Brian picked her up. Khaat got up and went to pick up Abbey, and she wasn't sure what happened, but for some reason, she just couldnt' pick up Abbey. She was too heavy, and it hurt. She felt things spin, as the pain shot through her body, and she actually dropped Abbey a few inches from her hands to the carpet. She found herself crying out, in a combination of alarm and pain.

Brian's arm shot out and wrapped around her and pulled her to her feet. He held her on her feet for a moment. "What was that?" he frowned.

"I...I dont' know," she said, her heart pounding. She had dropped her daughter. She did know what it was. It was a combination of stoving up from her fall, and of her many systems failures that were being caused by the potion. She was just getting too weak. If Rob were looking at her now, she knew what he would tell her. She was positive he would tell her, clearly, that the potion was slowly killing her. They were signs he was right. She was starting to slowly die from this. And she didnt know how to escape any of it anymore.

"I..I'm alright now," she told Brian. Brian picked up Abbey too, and she didn't seem phased by Khaat's dropping her just a few inches back to the rug.

"You bring yourself," Brian said. "I've got the girls." They went back downstairs together.

Brian didn't speak. He took the children into the dining room to put them into their high chairs. Khaat went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. "I..couldn't pick her up," Khaat said softly. "It..hurt. I dropped my own child--maybe 6 inches, but I dropped her. I'd never do that. Never. Maybe Daddy was right. Maybe its going to hurt more than I thought from falling like that."

She saw her friends and Brian there, and she didn't see a way out. She wanted to just run. To go off by herself. She didn't want them to watch her die from this. She truly felt trapped and didn't know how to get out. Rob saw her through it the last time, but somehow, that was different. Maybe because the last time she had been so ignorant. This time, she had chosen it. It had been the lesser of the evils. If she got rid of the potions, could she even survive it now? And then what would happen? Could she hold off the flood of pain and fear that the poions kept locked up? She didn't know. BUt she also didn't know where to go to find some place where they wouldn't find her while she died. No matter where she was, they could find her. The planet was just too small.

"Lets eat dinner," Brian said, coming in from the dining room. His voice was quiet. Khaat could feel his anger. She got up slowly and went out to the dining room. She notice that he had moved Abbey's high chair from beside her to beside Angus. That hurt. He didn't believe she could care for her child anymore.

She went through the motions of eating dinner, in silence. When that was done, she excused herself and went upstairs and started to pack a bag, and then she sat down heavily in the chair in her large, posh closet. No magic. She wasn't going anywhere. She refused to die here. Not with them all helplessly watching. She'd have to shift her plans. She knew it now--she had to run. She just didn't know how without her magic or where to.

And she'd have to abandon her children. Right now, they were better off without her, and that crushed her heart. And then some new thoughts began to hammer at her brain, and they were worse than the old ones.

"And you do," she said. "And its important you stay with them. You're going to be needed. Cassidy, I know you dont understand. I know they don't either. I don't get it myself. I know this isn't working. Brian's just getting angry, and he has every right. I'd have left me a long time ago if I were any of you. Look at me. There's nothing left of who I was. Its like being in a trap I can't get out of. And I want out of it. All of it."

Then it struck her. She had something important that was left undone. She had to fix it. Tonight. Just in case.

Khaat wished she had the courage to talk to him. She wished she could bring herself to say the words. She went down to his office and drew out some of the legal papers she kept there and filled them out and authorized them. She needed them on file. Just in case. Then she went back upstairs, put her winter jacket on and went to the barn. She found Archangel there, settling in for a nap. He woke when he heard her coming, and he looked at her. She stroked him, and he nuzzled her. It was as if he sensed her sadness. He had always been able to figure her out. Always.

"Take this to the Ministry. Drop it off at my office so that my clerk files it. You know where to go," she told him. He made a small chirping like noise that was a quiet acknowledgement. She petted him again. "Thank you," she said softly. He nuzzled her.

"Khaat?" It was Angus. "You shouldn't be out here alone. You heard your father. You took a hard hit today."

"Angus, could you do me a favor?" she asked.

"If I can. What's on your mind?"

"I want to go see Remus."

"What?"

"I want to visit Remus. Please."

"Oh. That's a long way to his grave. You have a portkey?"

"In my drawer. There is a black sock of Rob's. It has a tan argyle pattern. Thats the one."

"I'll be back." He apparated out and returned with the sock. He took her there, and she went to Remus's grave and brushed off the snow and pulled away the dead weeds. She knelt there beside the tombstone and just sat, wishing she could talk to him, find out what he would tell her.

"Khaat," Angus said. "Robert told me once, in passing, that this was a place you went if you thought the world was just getting too hard. What's going on?"

"I just miss Remus," she said softly.

"You'll never find your answers with the dead. Come back and find them with the living," he told her gently. She didn't move. He stroked her hair gently. "Come on. You're tired and hurting and you don't feel well. Take the night off. Curl up in bed with a good book, and I'll bring you some cocoa."

"My mothers?"

"Is there any other?"

"Alright," she agreed. He smiled, kissed her forehead, got her to her feet and apparated them back inside the house.