I don't know if I lied when I said we're not together

For some reason, Addie's reasonableness made him feel worse. It was guilt. He knew it was guilt. Not at what he'd done (was doing) but at not telling her sooner.

Selwyn traced his fingers across the tablecloth some more.

"You know I felt bad after that night, right?" he said. "Not because of the Order stuff, because of us."

He took a deep breath and stared at the teapot that had finally been brought to their table because there was no way he was going to be able to say this to Addie's face. At least part of this was stupid, and he wasn't sure what part.

"So the next day, I may have got high and gone round to Shylock Ashcroft's house and tried to seduce him," he said, wincing in anticipation of the reaction this would bring.

"That's not all, there's more," he added quickly, as he dropped his face to his hands and felt himself go red. This was far more difficult than he'd expected.

"It wasn't great," she conceded gently, nodding. She watched him as he continued, even knowing that he probably would prefer that she didn't. But it was one of those moments where she knew she ought to look away, but she just couldn't.

It hit her very suddenly that someone had probably written this moment - or, at the very least, something similar - into a Muggle film. But she reminded herself that this was not a movie, this was quite real and she needed to pay attention as he would have done for her.

Perhaps oddly, the thing that struck her as the most out of joint was the fact that he had gotten high. She didn't even know why that shocked her, but perhaps after he had introduced the idea of feeling interested in men it was comparatively less strange. She wasn't sure that she knew the man he spoke of, though, and she wasn't sure, either, if that made it better or worse.

For all of two seconds, she wondered what would have happened if she had stayed with Kaiden. Then she informed herself that she was mental and moved past that question. No good would come from those thoughts.

All she could do for a moment was blink at him. "... Alright," she replied finally. Adrienne didn't know what he wanted her to say. She couldn't come up with anything worth releasing into the air yet. Everything sounded offensive in her head, even if it wasn't really, and she couldn't brave up as she sometimes did on accident when speaking to him. "Would it help to just... say it all at once and have me wait..?"

Selwyn looked up, eyes shining at her comment.

"No, you don't understand, it was great," he said emphatically. "I was depressed afterwards, but I wouldn't want it not to have happened."

Have you told her all this? Shylock's words echoed through his head.

"I just didn't know what to do," he tried to explain. "I couldn't get you out of my head, but I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to scare you off properly. And then you were, I mean, are staying in my house. It wouldn't have been very fair..."

He sighed.

"So, Shylock has this reputation," he said. "And I thought, maybe, I dunno. I didn't really think that far."

"I wanted to be not thinking, in fact."

"So I got high, I went to see him, and Shylock rejected me. The first time, at least. There were other times."

"It doesn't mean I'm less interested in you. I just happen to also be interested in him. Is that okay?" he added urgently.

Her eyebrows lifted slightly at his response, happy with it despite the circumstances surrounding their conversation. She wasn't happy that he had been upset about it, per se, although it was nice to know that it wasn't just her. As he kept on, however, she pushed that aside in favor of taking in the new information he was giving her.

When the question dropped, she stared at him. There was a moment of shock, but when it fully processed she frowned.

"I don't understand," she replied. "How... I mean, How are you expecting me to take that? I'm not sure at all what you want. For me to... date you while you see someone else? That's... insane."

He could almost see her thought processes.  The surprise, the shock, the disapproval.  But he couldn't be sure whether all that was genuine or just social conditioning.  Hell, he himself hadn't believed he felt this way at first.

Selwyn swallowed.

"I don't have a right to expect you to take it any particular way," he replied wretchedly.

"I can hope you'll take it well or at least be able to see my side of it intellectually, but I can't force you to like it or want it or be comfortable with it."

"Why do you think I asked if it was okay?  I'm not a legilimens, Addie.  And regardless of what happens with Shylock and I, I can't keep trying to read your mind.  It's driving me mental."

"But, um, yes," he added. "You did kind of hit the nail on the head there.  Being able to date both of you is what I'm envisioning as a perfect outcome.  Before you reiterate how insane I am, again, at least take a moment to consider it."

Selwyn sounded thoroughly bored as he spoke the final sentence.

"I understand you not liking it, but it's not insane to be attracted to two highly attractive people at the same time, you know.  More like totally natural, really."

Adrienne wouldn't have believed him if Selwyn said he was surprised by what happened next. Her thoughts caught up to her,  and her temper went off as it had done a few times before. Something behind her eyes changed, turning cold.

"No, there's nothing wrong with finding multiple people attractive," she agreed despite her terse tone. "But this is me you're talking about. After what I just got out of, do you really think I would be comfortable with that? How could I trust you like that if - an hour later, you could be off with someone else? I don't even care who the person is."

Lifting a hand to her face, Adrienne let out a frustrated sigh. When she looked at him again, she shook her head. "I can't do that. If you want to know exactly what I'm thinking, since you said you can't tell? Well, ... it feels like you're more interested in the physical than in who I really am. It sounds like you don't know me at all. I just... I don't know, Sel. Maybe I should go."

Selwyn was a little surprised at her reaction.  He was a Slytherin, after all, and he'd been trying to appeal to her Ravenclaw side.

"Well, honestly, Addie, how would you even expect me to know?" he asked shortly.  "You never tell me how you feel. I could have just made an assumption but I thought if I'm trying to get involved with you, maybe assuming you can't cope with my sexuality isn't the route to success."

As she sighed, he felt a strong urge to do he same thing.  She clearly had no idea where he was coming from.  

He rolled his eyes.  It was probably a bad idea, it would probably be taken the wrong way, but sometimes, he just couldn't.

"God, no!" he exclaimed, drawing brief attention toward them before lowering his voice once again.

"That has nothing to do with it," he said.  "I could be celibate- Hell, I could be asexual and that wouldn't change how I feel."

"But if we're talking about how well I know you?  I agree, I don't know you.  You don't let anyone in.  To be fair, if you think I'm only interested in your body, you don't know me either."

Frustration brought out a more exasperated expression, and she couldn't help that she was bristling, even after he called her out.

"To be quite clear, your preference doesn't bother me. I don't care who else you're interested in. That doesn't upset me, or offend me, or anything like that. I've no right to feel that way. But you have to see why this is scary for me," she retorted, her plea evident not only in the way she leaned forward across the table, but also in her eyes as she looked at him.

"Open relationships are dangerous, particularly for someone like me. It isn't that it's you, or that it's whomever else you're interested in. I get the idea of caring for more than one person at once. I've read enough to know that it's entirely possible. I personally haven't felt it, but that doesn't mean anything, really. My point, though, is that people - as a rule - are pretty awful. And that may not apply to you, but it just as easily might down the road.

"And I don't mean that I think you're hiding things or.. lying or anything like that. I just mean that you might change your mind and not feel able to tell me. And I might meet your other person and not be able to deal with it. I can hardly deal with the idea of it, besides."

She set her elbows on the table, dropping her forehead against her upturned palms. "It's not the now that's scary. It's the later. The year or years from now, when you haven't made up your mind. When you haven't chosen one over the other. I can't do it forever. I refuse to, in fact." Lifting her head enough to look at him, she just frowned once more.

"No, I don't let people in. That's true. But that's because, in the end, every person I care about is going to go. That isn't something that's going to change. Either I'll have to leave, like I did with Kaiden, or someone else will. But there's no forever when it comes to people, and if I'm not the only one involved, that makes it twice as likely that I'll lose out."

Selwyn squinted, fascinated at how Adrienne could say one thing, yet mean the complete opposite.

Where to even begin?

"Okay, maybe my sexuality doesn't bother you," he allowed.  "But some of my preferences clearly do, else we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"And that's okay. You do have a right to your feelings, even if they're not such nice feelings."

He reached across the table like he'd done once before in this village.

"It's scary for me, too. This isn't something I set out to do.  It's not experimentation or youthful high spirits. I've realised it's part of who I am.  Which isn't to say I can't live without it."

He sat back as she went on to explain about lying and hiding.  If he were going to do that, he needn't have even told her this, but Selwyn did find it difficult to share with Addie, so he took her point.

He leaned forward as she finished musing on the future and where it might take them, a tiny smile on his lips, knowing this shouldn't amuse him.

"Gosh, I've really stuffed this up," he said. "Addie, I'm not making up my mind; there is no choice.  The same way you didn't choose to love one of your brothers more than the other.  I chose both."

If she stared at him in shock, Adrienne didn't really feel that it was her fault. She had heard, she thought, about people who felt that way. Maybe she was imagining that to keep from being rude again. Or looking stupid. Probably both, really. It wasn't that the idea sounded impossible or that she felt offended by it. Really, the concept that he couldn't decide was a rather curious one. It wasn't... technically an insult.

Still, she pursed her lips and sat for a moment in silence, surprising herself by actually giving it a moment of genuine consideration. In the end, though, she accepted the fact that she had known her decision from the start.

"I understand the concept of loving more than one person. But, for me, someone is going to win out. Someone is meant to be my person. I believe that," she explained.

"Obviously, just because I feel differently doesn't make your way of caring for people wrong, it just... I don't think it would be enough for me. I'd like the independence it would grant, certainly, but in my head I see an eventual family. That's what I want for my future, regardless of who I choose. And I don't think I could help a family thrive or even succeed if it's confusing to me."