Clearing Up Lose Ends

Christy took a seat next to him on the edge of the bed. No one had ever called her weird before. At least not to her face anyway. Her eyes were slightly wide as he told her that she was weird. "I'm not weird." she retorted back, "At least compared to someone who has spent their last two years in the woods living off of cute little bunnies."

She wasn't mad at him for calling her weird it just took her off guard for a moment. She leaned her cheek into his hand as she listened to what he said. Did she really understand? In her mind she really didn't need to know the specifics of all that he had done evil in the world. Like her brother as well. She knew he had done some pretty bad things and he had actually murdered before.

"I do." she replied nodding her head. "I don't need to know the specifics but I do know you've done some terrible things to people...some who I was once friends with. But I also know you want to be good."

She sighed as she looked at him, "I promised I wouldn't turn you in and I keep my promises. Those don't come lightly. Besides if I had wanted to the other night in the Leaky would have been the perfect place to do that wouldn't you think?" It wasn't like she wanted to lure him into a false sense of security. Christy was never that type of person. Godric had always told her she was too forgiving but at the same time he had helped her to become like that.

"Most people deserve a second chance...especially if they are as remorseful about it as you are."

Felix shook his head, struggling to sit up, his eyes finding hers again, his breathing was heavy as he grabbed her wrist lightly. "I need you to know." He said, his cheeks a feverish red as he stared into her eyes. He looked like a dying man, someone who was ready to give up on life, but he needed her to know.. he needed to know that she knew what he had done, and he needed to know that she would forgive him for it too.

"Khaat Lupin, Elijah Krum..." He stopped to take a breath and continued. "Sophia Granger, Chase Moor, Hitame Higurashi, Samantha Burns, Melissa Hayes, Samuel Grigori, Rhys O'Neill, Jamie Prophet, Cecilia Krum, Naomi Greyback-Barker..." Felix's voice broke on the last name, his hands were shaking harder then ever, but still he kept his eyes on hers, still he stared at her with that same intense look. "Twelve in total.."

"Twelve people who's lives I destroyed with what I've done to them. Who's pasts are marred with the memory of me. Who I tortured, and nearly killed. Maybe not literally in all cases, but I broke their hearts." His voice was shaking nearly as bad as his hand on her arm. Tears were welling in his eyes.

"Eleven of the twelve... I tortured in some way. Nine of which I kidnapped before I did so. Three of them were students at Hogwarts. One went completely mad when I let her go. One I fell in love with and married, only to later break her heart and she tried to kill me. Eight different Aurors, who had families and lives, were tortured and left to die in a cave in a mountain, chained to the walls, I could still hear some of them screaming as I left." Felix's grip went slack and he let his hand fall to the bed, his gaze went with it.

"I hear them screaming in my sleep.. I feel their pain in my every breath. I have their scars in every portion of my body, even if they aren't visible, I feel their pain still." He gasped and felt another shooting of pain spiral from the tip of his head to his toes, making him cough and gag in pain and remorse.

"I feel their eyes on my back when the room is dark... I hear their breaths, I smell their blood. I know they blame me. I was not a caring man, I cared for myself and myself only.. and they know that, and they haunt me with sunken eyes. They watch my every move.. they condemn me to hell." Felix was hot to the touch, his eyes were mad and his hair a mess. He looked as mad as he was, completely gone as he confessed his crimes to the one person, the one person he honestly cared if they hated him or not. He didn't want her to leave him, but he wanted her to know now, rather then later. From his own lips.

"My name is Felix Barker... and my past is the dirtiest of all people's... Even the Dark Lord had others to do his dirty work, he killed very few on his own steam. I've watched people go mad at the end of my wand and laughed... I've watched people beg for their lives, and killed them anyway... I've been called every name under the face of the planet and I do not deserve forgiveness, this is why I have no hope.. this is why I cannot see myself winning. Because I do not deserve to win. I do not deserve kindness from strangers, or the hope of success. I deserve to die by the hands of the people who I killed inside."

"But... I want your forgiveness.. if I am to survive this.. I need your forgiveness.. I need to know I can be forgiven... because I cannot forgive myself."

Christy leaned towards him as he grabbed her wrist, “Then tell me.” She said looking at him curiously. He didn’t look very well at all. She had a feeling of what he was going to tell her, well what he wanted to tell her, but did she really want to hear it? Of course you do. she thought to herself. You’ve never been able to look at him and not wonder exactly what he had done to feel the way he does.

She listened intently to every word he said. She had been somewhat friends with Elijah, knew Samantha and Cecilia and had even captained Jamie on the quidditch team in her final year of school. All these people she knew. Sophia had been one of her best friends at Hogwarts. Her eyes grew wide as he named all of these names. She listened as he talked about what he had done to these people…some of who she used to call friends. She noticed the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

She was never good at dealing with men crying. It made her cry. Her heart felt for him as he spoke of the things that he had done to them and the remorse that he felt. She knew better than to speak while he was telling her all of this, and truthfully she wasn’t quite sure what she should say. She also wondered if this was something that her brother had felt or was feeling. They were alike in this. She knew she would have to tell him about that.

He started talking about how he needed her forgiveness. Why hers of all people? She didn’t understand why her? She knew she had to be crazy to care for this beautifully broken man that was laying on her bed. She leaned down and looked him in the eyes as she finally found the words to say, “I can forgive you for everything you’ve done but I don’t think its my forgiveness that you need to be asking for.” She wasn’t sure what to say.

“All I know how is to forgive, and hold grudges. Godric has a tattoo on his back of a phoenix. Everytime I see a new feather on it, I know he has tortured and killed someone else and I can forgive him. That’s got to count for something doesn’t it?” she asked, “I see the good in you that you might not see in yourself Felix. Deep down I think you can be a good person, we will get past this I promise. I’m not going to kick you out or say that I don’t want to see your face anymore…” she broke off in the middle of the sentence.

You might as well tell him. she thought to herself. She sighed, “If you haven’t been able to tell I care for you far more than I should despite knowing just how much of a crazy bastard you can be.”

Felix felt tears well up in his eyes and slowly fall down his cheeks when she told him she forgave him. Him of all people... a monster like him, and she forgave him. He half collapsed on the bed, still holding her hand, which he brought to his lips. He kissed her hand lightly, before simply resting his lips there, his entire body shaking as he did so. The pain was slowly subsiding, far faster then it had ever gone away before. He was shaking, but less so as he listened to her speak, moving so his cheek was pressed against her hand, unable to do much more then that.

Felix slowly stirred at her last sentence however. His mind cleared for a moment of clarity as she spoke and he felt his pulse quicken, his ears go red, his hands started to shake more. She cared for him? She couldn't care for him.. he was a monster, he'd drive her crazy, she'd either die or end up hurt. He couldn't do that to her.

But he also couldn't lie... and he knew that he cared for her too. He hadn't cared this much since Naomi, and that had been years ago. The very thought of Naomi now brought bile to his throat and made his body shake in pain and anger and fear. She was no longer a happy memory, his body had made sure of that. The very thought of her could send him into fits of pain that lasted days. He no longer wanted her back, he just wanted to have a memory of her that didn't fill him with disgust and anger.

"Christy.." He whispered, his eyes slowly rising to find hers, his hands and body still shaking, but no new tears fell down his cheeks, only the ones left there from the last bought of crying. "You shouldn't care for me... I will destroy you." He slowly rose to his knees, sitting up on the bed so he could stare her in the eyes, his hands moving up to her cheeks. "You cannot care for me... because I care for you, and I destroy the things I care about..." He closed his eyes, holding her face, he brought his forehead to hers, tears starting to slide down his cheeks again.

"I don't want to lose someone else.."

Christy couldn’t stand to see men cry. It always brought her to tears. She wasn’t used to seeing a man cry either. She could count on one hand the number of times she had actually seen her brother cry. She couldn’t even remember what it had been for it was so long ago. She stayed still as he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. Tears threatening to fall from her eyes at any moment.

She knew the kind of trouble that Felix could cause her. She squeezed his hand as it started to shake more. She could only imagine the things he was thinking about…Well she really couldn’t imagine but she could at least have some idea of what was going through his mind. He had destroyed so many people’s lives in doing what he had done. But he had felt remorse for it. Didn’t that count for something?

She listened as he finally spoke. She reached up and wiped the tears off of his face. “I’m old enough and smart enough to decide what I want aren’t I?” she asked looking at him. “You wouldn’t be my destruction. That would be my own fault for not listening to anything you said.” She put her hands on his face staring at him. “You won’t lose me, not because of yourself.”

He cared for her though. He had actually said it. Was he saying that to make her feel better? Did he say that so she wouldn’t feel like a fool for telling him she cared for him? “I want to make my own choices in life.” She added as she brought her lips to his, kissing him softly.  “You can’t keep me from making that choice. It’s my right to make it.” Her lips were still just a fraction away from his, barely touching them.

Felix felt a shock of warmth spread through his body as her lips touched his. He hadn't kissed her.. she had kissed him. It wasn't a cold, hard kiss, it was a soft and warm and gentle kiss. She spoke with her lips barely inches from his, and her breath warmed his shivering skin, warming him better then any soup could do. Heat hotter then tea spread from his lips to his limbs and he felt a shiver run through his spine as it did so.

He really cared for her..

He felt the sudden realization hit him like a ton of bricks. His eyes teared up again, and a sob choked it's way up his throat as he pressed his lips to hers again, kissing her hard on the lips once more. "Thank you." He whispered, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, drawing her closer, his lips touching hers and moving away again. "Thank you... Christy thank you." he half sobbed as he sat back on the bed, his hands still on her so she would be forced to join him.

Felix stopped kissing her, only to bring her to his chest, so he could hold her, feel her warmth, shudder through another wave of pain and heat, and keep her to him so he could remind himself that someone could forgive him. He words stuck in his brain though, words he had never heard anyone say to him in his life.

“I can forgive you for everything you’ve done but I don’t think its my forgiveness that you need to be asking for.”

He needed to forgive himself, but he couldn't, not until he could make a difference in the lives of the people who he had hurt. Not only that, but he needed to make sure that she wasn't hurt either. He needed to get out of this hole he was in.. and then he could forgive himself. Long after the world had forgiven him. He had to find a way...

And that's when it happened.

He brought his lips to hers again, kissing her passionately, and there was an odd fluttering sensation in his stomach. A strange whooping feel, kind of like the feel you get when going really fast up and over something, and then dropping on the other side, like a rollercoaster, or a driving in a car. Or a ride on a broomstick, he felt his take hold of his stomach and he felt like the whole world was lifted for a single breathtaking moment.

He felt light and giddy and almost let out a laugh, and would have if he hadn't been kissing her. Because for the first time in his entire life, a life of darkness and anger, and sadness...

Felix Barker felt hope.

Christy looked at him slightly breathless after he kissed her hard. She returned the kiss and looked at him slightly confused as he began thanking her. She didn’t understand what in the gods he was thanking her for? Then she realized it, she had somehow managed to snap him out of his self loathing and depression that he had sunk down into upon arriving at her apartment. “You’re welcome?” she replied sounding a little confused.

She knew he needed to forgive himself. That would be when he could finally move past everything that he had done in his past. She honestly didn’t know he would ever be able to forgive himself though. She had witnessed what his self-hatred had done to him not but a few minutes ago. She laid her head on his chest as he pulled her towards him. She smiled a little. She looked up at him as he brought his lips back down on hers.

She was kissing him back just as passionately as he was kissing her. Her lips easily softened against his and almost molded themselves against his own. She moved her hands up cupping his face in them as they kissed. She was practically sitting in his lap, half of her on him and the other half on the bed. She could feel the happiness radiating off of him and shivered alittle. She finally broke the kiss off after a few moments.

“Better now?” she asked smiling at him.

Felix shifted her so she was straddling his lap. His arms moving down to her waist as they kissed. He was completely breathless, his stomach felt like it was a million times lighter. He didn't forgive himself.. not yet, but he had the hope that somehow he'd be able to at least clear his name, if not clear his name.. then well... get out of the severe trouble he was in.

He just wanted to walk down the road and not be killed. That's all he wished, maybe get a job, get a home again, move away from the life he had led and live a normal life. Maybe even settle down and date Christy. Felix leaned back, his chest heaving as she smiled at him. His stomach was still in knots as he grinned at her and suddenly his lips found her neck, and he gently kissed down to her collar bone.

"It's been a while since we've seen each other Christy.." He whispered, his lips brushing against her collarbone and back up to her neck, kissing and licking and sucking as he came up to brush against the area next to her ear. "I can stay the night?" He asked, sitting up slightly and kissing her jawbone, sliding up towards her lips to capture them again.

She closed her eyes as his hands moved down her waist. She wanted him to be a free man as much as he did. She looked forward to the day that he could walk down the street like a normal person…well as normal as he could with a past like his own. They just had to get his name cleared first. That was going to be easier said than done she was beginning to realize.

She gasped as his lips found her neck. Christy’s hand immediately found his hair, lightly pulling at it as he was kissing and sucking on her skin. Her mind was spinning around with sensations so much that she had barely recognized what he had asked before his lips found hers again. Stay? she thought. I thought I had already asked him to. She kissed him back and pulled back a little, her lips brushing against his as she spoke, “Of course you can stay as long as you want.”

But her mind worried that he wouldn’t stay. That she would wake up in the morning and he would be gone. She didn’t want that to happen. Her mind worried about where he would stay if he was gone in the morning, even though she knew perfectly well that he was capable of taking care of himself. Her lips captured his in a torrid kiss as she tried to push these thoughts away from her mind.

Felix smiled as she said he could stay, and suddenly moved over, pushing her back against the pillows as they kissed. One day, he would take her out to restaurants, and take her shopping, and give her everything she wanted. He would make sure she was taken care of, and if she wanted to leave him, he would let her. However, for tonight... he was going to stay right there. He wasn't going anywhere at all.

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Felix laid back in the bed around four in the morning. His body was covered in sweat, and he was still breathing hard. He had one arm wrapped around Christy, but very carefully moved it so he could sit up. Not bothering to put on clothes, he stood up and made his way into the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of water and leaning against the counter. He wore nothing but his boxers and he shivered as the cold counter pressed against his lower back.

He couldn't believe she had forgiven him... she had learned of his crimes.. all of his crimes, and then she had forgiven him and they had made love. He was hot and sweaty and felt almost free for the first time in his life. As though he could walk out that door and not worry about covering his face, or magically growing a beard, or worrying that the first Auror to see him would immediately kill him on the spot.

He felt free, and alive, and happy for the first time in years.