Sand and Snow

Khaat laughed. "Good. Good for you," she laughed. "By summer, you'll be diving with me. Its looking good. Keep going."

She pushed herself to keep going. She went farther and farther, and then she heard Brian calling her. "Hey, Slick!" he shouted. She stopped and looked back at him.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Come back this way. You're getting way too far out from the ship. Come back."

She looked and saw that she was a long, long way from the ship. It surprised her to see that she was so far away. And it was just as far to swim back as it had been to swim out. What on earth was wrong with her. How did she get so far away without realizing it? She felt herself panic for a very brief moment. The potion. It had played on her mind more than she had anticipated. She summoned her strength and began to swim back. She was feeling more and more tired the more she swam. She began to not feel well. She was feeling weak and dizzy. And she still had a little way to go. She wasn't sure she was going to make it.

She looked up towards Brian, her mind feeling foggy. Brian looked back at her and seemed to be looking deep in her eyes.

"Steven! Get her! Now!" Brian ordered, seeming to hear the words she could not say.

moving cassidy to the side he dove under and swum to Khaat rising he grasped her around her waist. "sorry Khaat orders " he said and slowly swum with her back to the boat feeling like he was dragging nothing with him. Reaching the ship Cassidy lent down and helped him with her sitting her down on a lounger wrapping a towel around her again.

" Brian, i think swimming should be off the list for the rest of the day, she won't stop swimming away, its like she wants to drown." Cassidy said as she felt Steven place his hands on her shoulders as she looked at Khaat worried.

"That's not what she's trying to do," Brian said, understandingly. "Look. Here's the deal. Since I came back into her life, I've been forcing her to spend at least an hour swimming, nonstop, every morning, seven days a week, pretty much no matter what. She hasn't been able to train or swim or exercise since Barker damned near killed her.

"All she wants is to see where she's at with her training," Brian explained. "All she wants is to see how much Barker took from her and what she has left."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm truly sorry. I don't know what I did to make you all think such a thing." She apparated away from them downstairs into her cabin and shut herself in, locking the door.

"You stay here," Brian said, feeling angry and protective now. "I'm going to go talk to her. She just wants to be normal again. I'm not so sure whats so hard to understand in that." He got up and apparated down into the cabin with her to talk.

Cassidy was about to say she was sorry if she misunderstood but decided she would not , seeing Khaat leave the way she did and at Brian's voice she turned to Steven . standing she said nothing and moved down to her cabin she knew Steven would follow but also that the day was over, Jess was in her cabin with jack more than likely asleep , now she had upset Khaat and Brian. She sat on her bed and threw her pillow against the wall.

"God dam it !" she said and lay down on the bed her face covered buy her hands more angry at herself because she couldn't figure out what she had done wrong. A soft knock at her door made her look up she saw Jess smiling.

"Problem?" she said softly and walked in picking up the pillow "Khaat right" she said and saw Cassidy nod . "shes a fighter , she is not use to being slowed down like Brian said she is finding her limits again and right now she is constantly pushing her boundary including ours" she sat with her on the bed "Don't take it personally i have been trying to figure her out longer than you can imagine , just enjoy things, she will let go eventually she'll have no choice but to"Jess saw her look and retched over to her pulling her into a hug " feel better ?" she asked.

Cassidy listened to Jess and sighed realizing she had no hope in figuring her out, sighing she looked back at her "what about Steven?" she asked.

Jess smiled at her and chuckled "what about him hes a grown man if hes in love with you as much as I think he is he'll take his time your a good woman Cassidy just take your time slow down, kissing's ok, but don't feel forced into anything else or your going to regret it " she smiled at her "you may end up with more than you planed" she said and smiled seeing the man in question walk to the door.

Cassidy saw him an stood up walking over she held him tight, "I'm sorry " she said softly to him she felt his arms around her and he spoke softly "its ok , she'll be ok buy tomorrow shes just frustrated right now" he said kissing her he said. Jess left for a hot coffee while cassidy changed into a light shirt and black trousers then with Steven moved back up stairs to find now the sun was setting.

Sitting down Steven held her close to him, soon the sound of plates being moved came from below but Steven and Cassidy sat watching the sun set. Her hand holding his as she lent against him. Jess walked up and sat with her now wearing a light blouse and skirt her feet still bare.

((OCC: Hope thats better ?))

OOC: Much. thanks. lol

Brian had spent the afternoon with Khaat and by then she was feeling bonded to him again. She still hadn't done what would have been ultimate bonding--the confession of her use of Rob's potion. She realized that Brian would be outraged. She knew he would be so full of anger and rage, that where Brian was concerned she was trapped. She didn't want to lose him. She didn't dare tell the one person she loved the most. The one she was closest to.

She didn't want to be like this. Much as the mind numbing helped her cope with life, it also made it immensely complicated. She had to shrowd herself and how thin and gray she was becoming. She had to use glamour spells and glamour potions just to maintain who she had been without the potions.

He hadn't know when she had broken down and wept uncontrollably in his arms what it was about. He mistakenly thought it was about Barker, and she let him think it. She didn't correct him. But her pain was about this horrible trap she had created for herself. One she didn't see any way of getting out of. The only one that perhaps might stand by her again to help her get off was Rob. But, then what?

Who would stand by her when all the demons of her own mind came back to claim what was left of her heart and her soul?

She got up and showered, fortifying herself with more potion, and more glamour spells and more glamour potions. She dressed in a red, Asian dress, made of embroidered brocade, with a mandarin collar, closed by black silk frogs. She put red embroidered flats with it and ruby and diamond earrings.

When she came out, he was dressed in casual tan pants and a light blue shirt. He smiled. "There's my girl," he smiled, kissing her. "Come on. Let's go for dinner." He reached out his hand for her. She took it. He held her hand now, but would he still hold it when he knew what she had done?

Jess watched as Khaat walked up she closed off her mind just as Jack had suggested but she knew inside Khaat hid a darker secret one she would tell when she was ready. Cassidy moved closer to Steven resting against him as she saw Khaat and Brian she already had a glass of orange juice and so just drank quietly.

Jack smiled to Brian and Khaat " everything OK?" he asked his arm around Jess who looked at Khaat a small smile on her face as if knowing her dark secret. Jess looked at Cassidy and Steven who sat quietly eating their dinner. She could see the look on Cassidys face, fear a slight fear now sat there and she sat with her smiling.

"let it pass Cassidy " she said softly Cassidy smiled at her touching her hand lightly as she spoke.

"Everything's fine," Brian smiled, kissing Khaat's cheek. "Dinner looks great. Thanks, Angus." He helped Khaat to her seat and then sat down beside her. "Well," Brian said. "it seems we have a choice before us. Angus tells me he is prepareed either way for us. Whether we want to end our cruise tonight or after breakfast in the morning. What do the rest of you think you'd really like to do? Khaat and I would be happy either way. So, what do you all vote?"

Khaat didn't respond. She picked up her glass of prosecco that Angus had poured for them all and she took a sip of it before deciding to try her salad. It was mixed greens, fresh fruit and nuts with a wonderful dressing. The main course was the fresh catch right off the side of the boat. The freshest fish possible. Grilled. Put with grilled asparagus and with a wonderful risotto.

For dessert, Angus had spoiled her and had made tiramisu--one of Khaat's all time favorites.

Cassidy staid quiet but Steven spoke first "I did promise to show Cassidy the stars so... mornings fine with me" he said looking at Cassidy.

Jack nodded "I'm not sure about Jess, but yeah, morning would be fine with me " he added smiling at them both.

Jess sighed and smiled "yes morning would be good , I'm sorry Khaat for leaving when i did, i had a bad head ache , its gone now though." she said finishing her food she watched Khaat closely but found her to be like her old self. "well i guess I shall be on deck, I like the sea " she said smiling as she passed Khaat "Khaat you joining us up top?" she asked

"I think I will," Khaat said. She looked at Brian. "You coming?"

"In a minute. You go ahead. You'll be safe tonight," he smiled. "I'll be right up in just a minute." Khaat got up and went up on deck. It was a beautiful evening. The stars were awesome. It was a reminder that there could still be peaceful moments in her world.

She sat down on one of the upholstered benches and drew out of her pocket a small wizardingg photo of Remus. She looked into his smiling, laughing face. She didn't think he would actually be smiling and laughing with her now. He would be sorely disappointed in her. At what she had become. He was a pure master of the Defense Against the Dark Arts. One of the best that ever lived. He would have been like Rob. he would have smelled the potions in her system. He would have known. And it would have disgusted him. She was becoming a disgrace to anything she had ever stood for. She had used the potion to chase away the ugliness that she had tried so hard to chase out of her mind. And now it was coming between her and her real life. The life she wanted. It was making her nothing but an empty shell.

A moment later, Brian came up and draped a gold shawl around her shoulders. "It's getting chilly," he said softly, nuzzlingher neck from behind. "What is it, Khaat? What have you got so hard on your mind again? Tell me. You can tell me anything."

"I'm just glad you're here with me," she said very softly. "Sit with me?" He sat beside her and took the photo from her hand. "Remus? Is that where your thoughts are?"

"Yeah."

"Don't ever forget how much he loved you," he said softly, kissing her cheek.

Jess looked out over the sea as she stood feeling the rock of the boat beneath her she looked at Khaat as she glanced at a small picture she held.

"what is wrong that you keep your self so locked away " she thought to her self as she saw Brian walk up. She moved to sit facing her she smiled over hearing Brian's words. Jack walked up and over to her sitting with her.

"I told you once i will tell you again Jessica dark heart, drop it with Khaat she is Brian's responsibility as you are mine" he whispered.

Jess looked surprised at him it was the first time in several years he had used her full name "Jack black heart , thats the first time you called me that " she said and chuckled as he kissed her , she lent against him looking at the stars above them.