Stuck in Second Gear

There was something slightly charming about hearing about Selwyn's family and where he was from, even though Adrienne hadn't expected it to be. It brought a smile to her face before she even realized her expression had changed, and she couldn't bring herself to push it away.

"Talent?" she asked slowly, pausing to bite her lip as she considered it. "I'm not sure it counts as a secret, really, considering I taught for a term and all. But I did learn Transfiguration from a very good mentor. So I can help you out there," she offered with a sort of shrug, bumping his shoulder with hers as a sort of payback for earlier.

"Other than that, I honestly don't know. Maybe I just haven't found it yet." Adrienne suggested lightly, bouncing a little on her toes. "But you said dishes! So I'll start there and see if I can't discover a super secret skill through those," she teased, inching towards the kitchen. She probably could've just gone in, but she still didn't feel she had free reign of the flat or anything. So she just offered a smile and waited for him to agree or lead the way.

"Hmm, not sure I have anything that needs transfiguring at present," Selwyn replied,  "but it's good to know who to call."

As he returned from gathering their plates he glanced at her quizzically, standing on the threshold between the kitchen and hallway.  Right.

"I'll teach you my trademarked scouring charm, yeah?"

---

He had apparated from Grimmauld Place to the park across from the apartment.  Selwyn was still furious with Oliver, because seeing Rookwood in the Order's headquarters had plunged him back into darkness and flickering firelight and blood on his hands because he'd forgotten he even had a wand that night.  

He held tight to the anger, feeding it with every slight anyone in the Order had ever visited upon him, because he knew if he wasn't angry he'd succumb to fear, or worse, break down again.  

The bolt sounded too loud as Selwyn unlocked the door and stumbled inside.  Everything sounded too loud.  His keys as they landed in the bowl, his own breathing in his ears.

Selwyn took the stairs two at a time, then rushed across the hall and into the bathroom, leaving the door open as he began throwing up.

Graduation had come and gone, meaning everyone seemed to have a bit more free time. Oddly enough, that went for Adrienne as well, even though she had no longer been involved with the school. She was just hanging up one of her newly cleaned shirts when the door opened and she leaned to look around the door frame, intending to place the hanger on the beam and then peek out to see why he was out early. Hadn't he gone to some Order thing? When he was out late, he always seemed to come back frustrated, and she had just sort of assumed it was their fault.

When he came bursting up the stairs and crashed through the hallway, she blinked, freezing even though her hand was halfway to the closet. The hangar clattered to the floor when she heard him, though. Her hand swept up her wand, just in case, and she stuffed it into her boot, glad she had kept them on to keep her toes warm.

"Sel..?" she called gently, making her way out of her room and into the hall. She didn't want to say it, but whatever was wrong must have been dreadful to cause something like this. "Are you ill? I can get you water or, um, a potion to settle your stomach or something if you want."

He hadn't expected Adrienne to still be awake, but when she called out, Selwyn realised that he had no idea what time it was. The Order was full of strong personalities and their meetings often lasted late into the night or early morning. Now he thought about it, he realised he couldn't have been out longer than half an hour; forty-five minutes, tops.

The toilet flushed as he washed away his stomach contents, pretty sure he was done throwing up for the moment at least. Selwyn pulled a towel off the rail to wipe his face and then slid down the wall until he was leaning against it. He stretched his legs across the narrow bathroom, tiles cooling his back as glazed eyes stared at nothing.

"Water'd be nice," he agreed dully. "Thanks."

Despite being fairly concerned already, when he replied and she looked at him properly, Adrienne almost couldn't stomach it. She had never liked the idea of someone being unwell, but this man who had been supporting her was one who she was particularly uncomfortable seeing when he was in that state. At the request for water, she leaned out into the hallway and accio'd a glass, then held it under the bathroom sink's faucet to fill it up. When she shut off the tap, Adrienne knelt beside him and held it out.

"So... I don't know how you are in situations like this, but... if you need to talk about it, I would be happy to listen," she offered. "If you don't want to, though, I can go back to putting things away. Or, similarly, if you would prefer to just do something else, I wasn't exactly up to much of anything, so I don't mind a distraction."

Selwyn accepted the water and took a mouthful before levering himself up to spit into the nearby toilet.

"Evidentially, how I am is a bloody idiot," he said.

The glass was placed on the floor and Selwyn curled in on himself, both hands raking through his hair in a more extreme demonstration of his usual habit.

"I, um," he began. "I don't know what I want. This hasn't happened to me before. I knew it could, but this is the first time."

He tilted his head to look out at Addie across the crook of an elbow.

"I feel really awful," he was aware this was a practically useless description.

"Like, all keyed up, and I can't relax even though I'm trying."

Her lips turned down in a sort of pout when he replied, disappointed that he felt so badly for feeling unwell. She reached out, but hesitated before letting her hand find his shoulder. Was it okay to touch someone when they were like this? She didn't know. Perhaps if she had decided upon healing instead of journalism, it wouldn't have been so awkward for her. To be fair, it would have been a big leap for her to actually decide to go through with healer training. Clearly, she wasn't exactly made for moments like this.

Somehow, she felt she could understand what he was getting at. Not in exactly the same way, of course, considering she had never had an experience quite like what he was going through just then. But she could understand that feeling of being worked up and unsure how to get out of it. But when it happened to her, she tended to just grab a pillow and punch it. So that, perhaps, was not helpful.

"Well," she replied gently, her fingers brushing over his shoulder, back and forth, "for what it's worth, I do think I understand, at least slightly, how you're feeling. However, I'm usually rather rude to upholstery when I'm upset, which explains why I have had to replace my pillows once or twice. So if that isn't your thing, I have an... offer, I suppose. Whatever you ask for, if it'll help, I'll do it. Even if that means leaving you be. Just... anything you need."

Selwyn found himself leaning into Adrienne's touch, trying to get as much contact as possible.

"I'm not upset," he clarified. "I'm worried."

He suddenly stood, crossed to the sink and splashed water over his face. An attempt to clear both his mind and his features.

"From what I can tell, the Order's well and truly gone off the rails," he said.

"I don't mean they've done anything wrong," he hastened to add. "Quite the opposite. They just don't seem to think anything through and can't take decisive action."

"And I didn't exactly make the most graceful exit tonight, so I doubt I'll be welcome back any time soon."

He looked down at his hands, long fingers fidgeting with nothing at all.

"They had a Death Eater there tonight and I'm just worried I should have stuck around, y'know?" he said. "Now I'm completely out of the loop and I can't help thinking something's bound to go wrong. When I walked in, he was sitting there pleased as punch, not even restrained."

A darker expression ghosted across Selwyn's features for a moment as he considered all that had gone on in that meeting. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell Addie what he'd been willing to do, but at the same time, she was living with him and he suspected that meant she was entitled to know.

He lifted his eyes to meet hers.

"I..."

When he stood, Adrienne stayed settled on the floor, more interested in letting him get out the words he needed to than in worrying after the picture she must have made when she let her hand hover in the air for a few moments after he had gone. But as he spoke, she started to piece things together - enough to understand what was so troubling to him, at least. Even if she couldn't fit the entire puzzle together correctly, she had an idea of the image and that was close enough for now.

When he looked at her, something about his expression made Adrienne get to her feet. "It's okay," she said gently, doing what she could to assure him that she didn't expect him to be able to get all of the words out. That sort of thing, she understood, was never easy.

Without allowing herself to think on it too much, mostly for fear of changing her mind, Adrienne quickly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his middle, and pressed her cheek up to his chest. The brunette had never been the hugging type, but she got the feeling that he might could use one. "It's okay," she repeated, her voice muffled against his shirt. "You're home, now. For a little while, at least, it's over. Maybe you can send an owl in the morning and see if everything is alright."

Selwyn froze when Addie hugged him, not quite sure how to respond.  He knew she was trying to be comforting, and it was uncomfortable exactly because of that.  From where she'd managed to snuggle her head beneath his chin, surely she'd be able to hear his heartbeat increasing?  His sudden struggle to even breathe?

It would be a lie to say Selwyn hadn't wondered about this before, although the roles had always been reversed.  Adrienne was running away from her abusive husband, so obviously in Selwyn's rich fantasy life, he was usually the one giving comfort and that was probably why nothing had happened so far.  The idea that he might be lumped in as yet another man who'd betrayed Adrienne's trust terrified him, and so he kept his hands firmly to himself.

Neverthless, he snaked arms around her waist, holding her close, but still loosely enough that she could pull away in horror, for she surely would in a moment.

He swallowed hard.

"'S not okay," he said.  "I was well prepared to kill the guy.  I suggested killing someone."