Thinking of You

R-


Why is using old endearments so terrifying? What you sent makes it seem like I could, but… but, you haven’t used them, so maybe I’m not allowed to…?

Yes, I’m ignoring that first bit. I can’t think of a single thing to say that makes what you said okay. Because it doesn’t make any sense. How can you love seeing me more than something you’ve adored since you were young? After everything I’ve done wrong, you shouldn’t love anything about me. Except maybe the baby, since they’re partly yours.


Excuse you, sir. I don’t think you understand the level of planning I’m prepared to do. I’m quite certain that I could come up with something better. Many things, actually. A whole day, if necessary. I’ve warned you over and over about daring me to do things; you really may want to take it back if you won’t want to be shown up too badly.


I’ve got nothing. Just snark. Because otherwise I’ll just ramble and be too vulnerable when you never need to be. I always give too much away in these letters, and come out of it still wondering what you think of me. What you want from me. I wish I could just talk to you. I never really could, though, could I?


If you buy me a giant teddy bear, I guarantee I will use it as my new pillow. So you may wish to rethink that if you don’t want to be replaced.


You don’t want to be replaced, right...? This isn’t all because of the baby…? You found out about them before you saw me in the hospital.  Maybe you changed your mind because of them. You already know more about them than I do. I can’t be a mother, anyway. What do I know about making kids happy? About making you happy? It probably is about them, isn’t it? You don’t want to be that guy who leaves when the baby is on the way. Not that you ever could be.

The only thing I can’t figure – Why were you in such a rush at the hospital? I didn’t think you were that close by when Audriana sent her note. You got there so fast. Gavin was the one in trouble – she should have said so at the time. I tried to tell her not to warn you; it shouldn’t have changed things. Now it feels like you don’t look at me the same. Like you’re afraid to… to touch me. And I need you to. I need to know that you, you know, want me.


-A


I miss being ‘Your Mrs. Ivanov.’


P.S. …Ours? Are you sure? I mean, I’ve not even been there very long…


I haven’t been at your house very long. Or, maybe I have. But then, most of the time I barely saw you, so it felt like we were in two different places. At the same time, I haven’t been in your life very long, either.
How is it ours when you may not want me to be yours?

Shown up? Darling, you have to stop underestimating me.

This feels almost normal. Is it wrong that it feels this normal? I know nothing has changed in the last couple hours but for a second there it was almost like November again. Maybe I shouldn't say things like that - I know how fragile she is right now. It worries me how well she can hide all the bad things and sometimes I can't tell if she's really feeling better or just humoring me. God, it was just a letter. Stop reading so much into it.

You know what? I challenge you to a Valentines Day Showdown. Whoever can make the most teeth grindingly cliche, nauseatingly cute day wins.

I could really use a day like this. A bubble bath would be nice. Maybe with a bottle of wine.

But you better watch out, love. Because your life is about to become a rom-com..

You deserve it, Avery. All the cheesy fairytale romance shit. Maybe I can make up for being such a bad husband lately by trying to be your prince for a night. I don't do enough to show you how I feel and I can use this as a push to make me try a bit harder.

Minus the teddy bears.

Nobody takes my place.

For the record, Mrs. Ivanov, what's mine is yours.

I sound stupid. Really taking that whole Prince Charming thing to heart. She's going to laugh at me, isn't she? Ah, well, starting the cliches early. I should have corrected her a long time ago when this first came up. I really do want her to feel at home in Dublin but it's just strange. Maybe if she was more willing to claim the apartment it would be easier for me to share it? I want it to be hers, but something is stopping me.

Every bit of it.

And I suppose that includes me too.

Robin,

Oh my Merlin. How did you figure that I needed you to say those things? I’m staring at your letter. It’s taken me ages to even start writing.

Challenge Accepted. It’s not that I underestimate you. Honestly. It’s that you have no idea how crafty I can be when challenged.

Well, that’s not exactly what I mean. I just mean that if you let me, I’m damn well going to show you that I mean business. Because I’ve been too afraid and too weak to so far.

You should watch out, too, you know. You’ll have a whole day of plans to deal with, I’m afraid. Not to mention an early morning. I promise you, I will win. I’ve never been able to use any of my clichés before, so they’ll all be thrown at you at once. As this is the first Valentines that I’ve had to actually wonder after what I’ll be doing with someone, I do hope you make it entertaining.

Please, for the love of everything, make me stop hating this holiday. You’re the only one that can. I’ve never celebrated it before. If this goes badly… Gods, it’ll be worse than I can even say. This is supposed to be a day where you lay down fights and make a point. Prove that no matter what happens you’ll never truly… hate me. I was so sure you did. I might still be afraid that you could. Or that you will, eventually.

What does the winner get? Or is that something I can decide when I win?

Frankly, I couldn’t care less what I win. As long as one of the prizes is you. You forgiving me and making it seem like you need me, too. Need us. After the fight and the attack, I was so sure I’d hurt you so much that you wouldn’t see me, but rather would see myself and my sister as one entity that does nothing but ruins you. I swear that’s not all the Bishops are good for. Don’t let my issues shake (or destroy) your faith in us. In me.

And, Robin…?

He’s not ready for it. He couldn’t be. It took me a while before, but this… He won’t accept it. Stupid girl, just write it. If he doesn’t want it, he’ll say so.

I love you.

Gods, do I.

x

Please…

Please say it back.

Contrary to popular belief I'm just as much of a Valentines Day Virgin as you are. I've been sitting on ideas for years without a girl to try them on and you, my wife, are the lucky winner of them all.

Even including Claire, there was no one before you. The one Valentines I spent with your sister I completely forgot, stole my dormmates present, and made a card during Potions class. I have no idea what I'm doing but I'll try my best for you. I wasn't lying - I've been subjected to too many romcoms. How hard could it be?

You shouldn't even have to ask about by entertainment value - especially after Greece.

I hope you remember those times. I think about them a lot.

Besides a plaque on the family wall of fame? The winner should be treated to a proper date out wherever they want, whenever they want, all expenses paid by the loser.

We need to spend more time together. I miss going out dancing or to the pub. A date would be an excuse to just.. be together. I miss talking to you.

(You.)

Can't let her win too easily.

I love you too, darling. More than you know.

I really do, don't I? When did that happen?

More than you know.

More than I know. You snuck up on me, Avery. I never saw you coming and even now I really don't know when or how it happened. Was it when I kissed you? No, it was much slower than that. But all I can think of is that day after we got home from honeymoon and you had to go back to work. That was the first time I missed you, at least. You left the office early that day and practically tackled me in the living room but suddenly everything felt.. complete.

I'd really like you to come home now.

x R

I can't believe I just used an 'x'. What am I? A thirteen year old girl?

[i]Avery,

I wish we could talk about this in person.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

I've been meaning to talk to you about this but I hadn't found the right way to bring it up.

This is bad.

It was silly, really. Keiran and I just get.. competitive.

This is really, really bad.

It wasn't a big deal. We just wanted to see if you would go out to lunch with me or not. (Which you did and I am eternally grateful.)

Shit.

- R

Please don't murder me.