Drinking my self into oblivion

Felix flinched as a hand touched his forehead and he looked up, his hand reaching forward sharply and grabbed her wrist, looking up into her eyes, before his hand fell away and he felt himself shuddering. He listened to her speak, and his eyes grew wide, staring at her, his hands shaking hard in his lap, his arms wrapped around his legs, as he looked up at her. He nodded when she asked if he had found it in Naomi. He knew that she spoke the truth. They had the right to control right then if he lived or died, and it scared him to death. He was asking for death, he was wanting death, but he didn't actually want to die. When she asked if he wanted to die, he found himself shaking again, dry sobs escaping his throat. "I don't want to die... I can't leave her... Please." He whispered, eyes looking up at her sadly, shuddering at the effort it took him not to just collapse into the dry sobs that were still escaping his throat, he knew he had only a tiny bit of control over them, and right now, that control was faltering.

"Are you saying you'll help me?" He whispered, staring up at her, eyes wide as he shuddered. He knew he couldn't trust her, and somewhere in his mind, he was desperately trying to get his hand to move towards his wand, get it up and curse her.. but she was being so friendly, the way she looked at him, and for an instant he saw his mother, bending down to help him up after he had fallen and scraped his knee. "I don't want this anymore... I don't want this! I want to stop being hated.... I hate myself... I hate my life... I hate it so much..." He sobbed, unable to bring up tears, but coughing and sobbing, his whole body beating itself into exhaustion with the effort it was taking him.

Robert opened a file that he'd laid on the bar in front of him. He picked up a copy of Felix's mother. She and Khaat could really have been sisters in another day and time. She had Khaat's reddish blond hair, her beautiful brown eyes, and Robert could see the woman had heart. She had been a good woman, and Robert couldn't see why she would have left Felix behind anymore than Khaat would ever leave her own children. There was something in that history that Robert didn't understand.

Robert floated the wizarding photo of her. She was wearing a little delicate organza party dress. The dress was a tiny floral print. She was at some sort of outdoor party, dancing. Spinning and laughing under some paper chinese lanterns that made the red tones in her hair shine in tthe decorative lights. She had been stunningly beautiful.

"Why did she really leave you behind?" Robert asked quietly. "What's the real truth in that? A woman like that never gives up on her children just for the hell of it. Never. What was it? Who or what was she running from? She'd have not left her son behind unless she had no other choice. Get honest with yourself for once. Stop blaming everyone else for the fact that your childhood was crap, and look at why she left you behind."

Felix's eyes went from the good cop, to the bad cop, and he found himself glaring at him. But his eyes were drawn to the picture of the woman who looked so much like Khaat. He reached out and took the picture, staring at it, his hands trembling. "Where did you get this?" He hissed, his eyes moving from the picture to Robert and back, agony in his eyes as he stared at the picture, tracing her features as he held it to him. When he asked why she actually left, Felix slowly focused on Robert, his heart beating painfully, unable to shed another tear for this man. "I don't know." He hissed, glaring up at Robert. "I told you everything I know! I was at Hogwarts... and when I got back from the holiday's.. she was gone, with a letter that said she had taken my sister and taken herself to America!" He was shaking, as he pressed himself into a corner, holding onto the picture for dear life, like it was the last lifeline he had, the only thing he had left to keep living, he held onto it desperately.

"I don't know if she was in some sort of trouble... but.." Felix glared at them both, before carefully opening his cloak, and bringing out a folded, wrinkled, and messy paper. It looked pretty old, and had obviously been read over, and over. He carefully held out the letter. "This was what I found.. the letter she had left me... it's her handwriting in case you don't believe me... I took every letter I could find that she had written, and I compared it, making sure it wasn't a copy... checking it over and over... and she wrote it, it's hurried, it's messier then normal.. but it's there... she was leaving, and she left me behind." He said, glaring at them, hating that he had said every last detail of his life to this man.. this man who didn't know him at all.. who he didn't want to know, who knew more about him then he knew himself. "Maybe you should just go find her! It would make it easier on us all... ask her why she left me!" He shouted out, and put his face on his knees, letting dry sobs wrack his body once more.

People continued to persevere with life for strange reasons. It was rarely for love. Jen’s heart softened a little at Felix’s admission and could no longer will herself to loathe such a broken man. He couldn’t bear to part with her. What an amiable creed. The man that was so hell bent on hurting others couldn’t bear to lose the one person that meant the world to him. He didn’t think for a second that the people he hurt...that they didn’t have people who thought the world of them? He was selfish, yes, but not without his few redeeming qualities. For many criminals, the ability to love was the only redeeming quality they possessed.

“Look at you,” She murmured to him. “You’re falling fast with no one there to catch you. You’re not worth our efforts tonight. Where’s the fun in the chase if your adversary is too weak to raise his wand to you, eh? It is part of the fun isn’t it?” Jen lowered herself down onto the floor and crossed her legs, her hands coming down to rest on her calves. “What amusement can this provide? Little, I’m sure. But look at you...you poor, poor little boy. What on earth are we supposed to do with you? You don’t want to die. You’re not worth death whatever anyone else thinks. Redeemable factors make a person just as our weaknesses, don’t they? I might help you yet. You’ll still have to pay for what you’ve done Felix but there’s no use throwing you back to the Dementors. They break people and you...you’re already broken. They’ll just fuel the anger won’t they? And when you get out we’ll be back to square one again. No, I think you need a chance to get better, Felix. But no one wants to take a chance on you.”

Jen wasn’t saying that she was willing to take that chance but she felt as if she were leaning towards that. She didn’t want to see him completely fall apart. Robert, however, seemed to have a different approach, as ever. He reserved his compassion for his family and that was where it ended. The selfishness was there and it never seemed to end. He was always willing to tread everyone else down for Khaat and the rest of them. Jen had to bite her tongue. Facing someone with their demons was often rewarding but kicking a man while he was down and then adding insult to injury wasn’t worth it. This wasn’t worth it. Jen kept her eyes on Felix, her eyes searching his face for reactions as he stuttered and splayed out his words. Jen didn’t quite know what to do, or what to say, but she could sympathise with the abandonment. Though, it wasn’t even sympathy. It was experience. She knew just how it hurt.

“Tell me about your father, Felix.” She murmured. “A mother doesn’t just leave her son, as Robert said. She wouldn’t leave you unless it was absolutely necessary. No, she adored you, I’m sure. But what about your dad, huh? We’ve got the gist of it but bureaucratic bullshit is never much to go on. No, I want you to tell me now, right here, what he was like, and more specifically, how he treated her. From as far back as you can remember until she left. How did he treat her? You said you had a sister? What about her? People do things for strange reasons. Merlin knows we all want to find some sort of escape from this grim reality. But why did she choose to...and without her baby boy?”

Felix couldn't help feeling a bit better at Jen's gentle words, his tortured expression lessened slightly and he found himself more able to focus. His eyes slid to her as she spoke, watching as she lowered herself onto the ground. "I don't blame him..." Felix whispered, his eyes glued on her nervously, still to afraid to trust her. "I don't blame him for wanting me dead... for wanting me to hurt..." Felix carefully looked at Jen and frowned, nodding carefully. "I know... I know.." He whispered, the potion still working through his system, but to a lesser degree after he had probably cried it all out anyway. "I understand that the world hates me...." He said in a stuttering voice, unable to look at her anymore, forcing his eyes to stare at his knees, pain wracking through him for a sudden assault, and he gasped, forcing a few more tears out, before it settled and he forced himself to look back up at her.

When Jen asked about his dad, his head jerked slightly, and he frowned, closing his eyes. Listening as she spoke, and he immediately thought again of the good cop bad cop inquiry. She was the good cop, being kind, gentle with him, and Robert sat in the back, trying to force the answers out, and not succeeding. "He was okay most of the time." Felix said quietly, but it was easily heard across the pub. "He would leave for months at a time... and we wouldn't see him.. those were the best days usually... and suddenly he would turn up drunk... and he would hit my mother... he hit her.. and I didn't understand it at the time.. but he.. he raped her..." Felix stuttered the word rape, his whole body shuddering against the need to reject the thought.

"When my mother blacked out.. he turned on me... I always made Grace hide under the bed... Grace... she's.. she's my sister.." He gulped and frowned. "I made her hide.. and I tried to get him off of mom.. and when he did.. he turned on me... he hit me... then nearly killed me a few times... But when he was better... when the drink wore off.. he was kind.. he helped me up.. cleaned me off, cleaned my mother off, and would apologize, over, and over, and over... and then we would do something.. he would make dinner... or we would go to a movie.. never during the day, because usually mom and I were still beaten up looking.. pretty badly.. but he never touched my sister.. he would hold her in his lap... care for her.. stroke her hair and sing her to sleep.. but he never once laid a hand on her I swear." He gasped slightly and his eyes found Roberts.

"And then.. just before 2nd year.. he got into a big fight with mom.. he.. was yelling, and I was holding Grace upstairs... my hands were over her ears so that she wouldn't hear them shouting... she was so young... only 5 or 6 around that time... and she didn't know what was going on... and then after a long time, he left.. and I went downstairs to check on mom.. she was bleeding, and I could tell he had hit her.. she had a black eye coming on... but she merely cleaned herself up, and took us both upstairs and held us for a long time... and when I got back after 2nd year... she was gone." Felix's speech had been stuttering, often he had been forced to stop and take deep breaths, sometimes he would stop for long periods and be forced to roll through another jolt of pain, but he finished it eventually, his eyes on Jen when he was done. "I don't know what happened.. maybe he came back... I don't know... but... she took Grace and left..." He was shuddering hard, his eyes on Jen, praying she would understand, praying she of all people would understand how lost he had felt, how alone, and afraid, and betrayed. The fear had set in after the denial.. and then the anger, and the rage that hadn't quite left him yet.

At Felix’s admission, Jen couldn’t quite bring herself to hate him; yet her mind was determined to show her visions of Khaat after the torture, visions of Eli and insisted on replaying the whispered words that depicted Chase Moor’s frazzled mental state. Though Jen had never actually liked the girl much, she hardly wished Barker’s onslaught on the foolish girl. Wise beyond her years she was not and she was foolish for believing she’d survive with the Krums. She pitied Chase a little; whether for her idiocy or perhaps her perseverance, Jen did not know though it was most likely the former. She didn’t exactly garner the most respect from people; though Jen wasn’t exactly the type to give it most of the time. No, the girl was one of Barker’s many victims and quite possibly one of the irreparable ones. Jen didn’t quite know what to do about Barker. He was just as irreparable as his victims, it seemed.

“It’s always the way,” She murmured to Felix. “They seem so...nice, when they’re not out of their minds don’t they?” She laughed humourlessly and shook her head. “Always so full of promise. Then they open the bottle again.” Jen sighed a little and patted Felix’s hand. “I think she thought that at Hogwarts you would be safe, even if it was only for a little while. She couldn’t protect you, Felix, but I’m sure that had she had a chance to do it over then she would have taken you as well. No mother wants to leave their child. No, I think it would do you some good if you did talk to someone about this; so you can come to terms with what happened. It’s still incredibly raw for you isn’t it? I think it’s time to let these wounds scab over and heal, sweetheart. He can’t hurt you anymore. The memories can be dulled. You don’t have to be burdened with them. Now, I think we should get you sober shouldn’t we? A trip to St. Mungo’s will do you a little bit of good, darling. And how’s this? You have my word that I won’t let them kill you. Deserve it you might, but we’re hardly on even footing here. Come on, let’s go. There’s no point sticking around here. I’ll help you up..”

Robert was just going to let Jen handle things, just let him bring him in quietly. Why didn't things every quite seem to go in any sort of textbook fashion? Ever? Just as he thought this was going to wrap up quietly and without incident, a Ministry owl flew in, landed on his shoulder with one of those damninable coior coded envelopes that always made whatever he was doing come to a screeching halt. He took the envelope silently, and the owl waited to bring back his response. He opened the envelope, read the parchment, showing no emotion whatsoever, took a pen and scribbled a hasty message on it and sent the owl back with it.

It wasn't until then that he turned to Jen. "Wrap it up, my dear," he said quietly. "And don't kill him--not yet. Just bring him along, would you?" The last thing he ever wanted to have was a need for Felix Barker's heart to still be beating. But, wasnt it just kismet that just when he was about to have a tasty slice of revenge pie, that he and his family were to be deprived of it one more time? Still, ever a Gryffindor, the greater good took precidence. Asinine principle, really, but he and his family stood on it above all others. Even when they didn't know what for.

Felix Barker, unless Robert was very careful, was about to come face to face again with his mother. And it was not something she wanted. At all.

Felix listened to the kind words, and nodded slowly, his eyes unfocused. Now that the potion was draining out of his system, the alcohol was taking affect on his brain again, and his eyes were becoming unfocused again. He listened to her speak, and gulped, nodding. "Talk to someone?" He asked slowly, not quite understanding her words. He could talk to people about this... get he help he needed? It just didn't feel plausible after all he ha done.. all he had been through. The second the word St. Mungos was uttered, he knew what they were going to do with him. They were going to turn him into some, miracle project, successfully turning Felix Barker, famed madman, kidnapper, torturer, into their own personal triumph.

But he was to drunk to care... in the back of his mind, he was screaming at himself to get out of there now, to get out while he still could. Before he had to endure the pain of remorse, the pain of seeing people pass him with hatred in their eyes... the torture they would put him through simply by not looking at him. The thought of it nearly drove him insane, the look on Naomi's face when she found out where he was.. the look of pure hatred towards the people who had taken him in his drunken state, taking advantage of his weakness.. she would be murderous.. but the alcohol, it allowed him to obey to their whims, and he carefully took Jen's hand and stood up.

"St. Mungos? I'm not crazy.. I'm drunk." He growled out, "I'm far from crazy.... I'm perfectly sane.. it's all you...." He muttered but sighed and complied with her wishes. "I just... want it to go away." He whispered, his eyes finding Jen's again and staring at her, finding his heart beating heavily in his chest. "Naomi.... I don't want to die." He growled out, grabbing her by the shirt, and pulling her face close to his, the alcohol strong on his breath. "If I die.. you will have Naomi out for your blood, her and her pack.. be warned." He said and let go of her, before moving into the middle of the room again, his hair messed up, tears drying on his cheeks, and very much drunk, but ready to face whatever punishment Robert threw at him, besides the whole, St. Mungos, arms tied to the walls while they checked his wounds, and bound his magic... again. He hated it, but what other choice did he have? They had him, better play the willing captive, he held out his hands for them to bind silently, eyes glaring at Robert, breathing heavily, and ready for them to take him away. "I'm a mad man remember, keep up the pretense.. you might hurt my ego if you don't.." He growled, glaring at Robert, before he closed his eyes and held out his hands towards him, letting him bind them his way.

St. Mungo’s wasn’t perhaps the best place to take Felix after all. Jen’s maternal instinct had kicked in at the wrong time and now she felt an overwhelming desire to protect the boy. She had to. If no one was going to give him a chance then how did that make them any better than him? It didn’t. The Lupins had every intention of killing Felix Barker and Jen...she just couldn’t let it happen. With his face screwed up in pain of his own mental design, she didn’t know how on earth anyone would want to inflict more upon him. He wasn’t innocent by any means and perhaps he did deserve death but he didn’t want to die. He had every right to live and who was she to take that away from him? And certainly, who was Robert Lupin to deny him of life? Oh of course, he was the Minister wasn’t he? Corrupt and biased towards his family, allowing the country to fall to pieces around him as he meddled in the affairs of his daughter who just wouldn’t let daddy go.

Had it not been for his brother, their family name would have been mud. As it was, their family name was still mud as far as the Purebloods were concerned and Jen had a tendency to listen to a lot of Pureblood propaganda. The fact that a werewolf’s brother was sitting in the highest position in Britain more than ruffled a few feathers. Many were calling for revolts but many more were joining Grindlewald’s ranks; which interested Jen to no end. No, the Ministry was sinking and so was the Order. Jen had been offered a way out of that sinking ship and Felix was on there too. Jen wasn’t entirely sure how Grindlewald would react if he was informed one of his better ‘followers’ had been lost due to one of the Lupins. Jen would never truly understand where their political sway had come from. They had every intention of killing him and she was his lifeline; his only chance at living. What was it going to cost her to keep him alive?

Jen gasped as he grabbed her shirt. She closed her eyes but hesitantly reopened them when he spoke. She raised an eyebrow and couldn’t quite keep the smirk off of her lips as she murmured, “Is that a promise because I do like a challenge? Regardless, Felix, I’m not going to let you die tonight, okay? So get that little inconvenience out of your head. You’ll be just as useless dead as you are drunk so do shut up.”

Taking a step back when he released her, Jen fixed her clothing before looking up as he spoke again. She pursed her lips at his sarcasm and strode past, slapping him around the back of the head, a silent way of telling him to wind his neck in. Jen needed Felix to believe she was helping him, if only for a second. She wasn’t particularly fond of murder in cold blood, regardless of the cause. She always liked to wait until they struck first because if they started it then she finished it. Felix was no threat to them so it would be a considerable blow to Robert Lupin’s ego - if he even had a conscience - to kill a man so utterly defenceless. He was going to be treated for intoxication and sobered up. A quick sobering potion and he’d be discharged and let out to wreak havoc or go home - whatever he wanted to do. Jen wasn’t going to allow Felix to be killed tonight; not when there was so much sport in it and especially not when there was so much fun to be had.

“Do you want to Apparate with me Felix or do you think you can do it yourself?” She asked carefully, her eyes wide as she looked at him imploringly; asking him to say yes to the side-along.

Felix could tell that by going with Jenifer, he would be putting a lot on the line. Even after he had grabbed her, and that small sense of satisfaction he felt from seeing her fear, it was useless... she just smirked at him, and he had basically let go of her in disgust. He wasn't going to die.. that was it.. he was in the hands of Robert f***ing Lupin... he had him, why didn't he just kill him for the sake of what he had done to his daughter.. why didn't he end him there? On the spot, the moment he had heard about him being in a pub, alone, drunk. Why had he taken one woman, and the first thing he did was send a crucio and clear everyone out of the room. Felix turned to look at Jen carefully when she spoke, and then he carefully nodded.

She was his lifeline here... she was the one keeping him alive, even drunk he could tell that was true. He could see it in the way she looked at him then, knowing full well that he would have to trust her. Knowing full well that she could kill him.. but knowing full well that he didn't have a choice. Get him sober, and get him out of there... the wizarding world would not be happy if they found out Robert had had his hands on Felix Barker, right before his kidnapping spree escalated. Because after this, Felix knew what he would do, and he had a few... plans that would help him get more and more people in his dungeons, and to lead the Auror's around the country, distracting, kidnap, torture, murders, it would all be there, the only thing he didn't do was rape.. that was wrong.. but he did brutally kiss, and that was often enough, the THOUGHT of the act was often enough to get his victims begging for mercy. But for now...

Felix pulled his mind back onto his task, and he wobbled over to Jen, taking her arm. "I am in no way able to apparate on my own.. off you go!" He slurred, looking her straight in the eyes for a moment, his face way to close to hers, but it could easily be passed off by the way he was sagging against her. "Let's go Chop chop, don't want to keep Robert there waiting." He smirked and held onto Jen's arm, waiting for her to take the lead and whisk him away to wherever she was taking him. He wasn't even sure anymore.