Drinking my self into oblivion

Felix found himself groggily taking a step towards Robert, he just wanted out of the reach of Jen's boots, that was for sure.. but when he handed him a drink, he knew that he was in for a treat... a really painful treat. But what else could be done.. rather take the pain now, and suffer, then have no control later and suffer. If he cooperated, maybe they would let him go.. that was good thinking.. if only his mind wasn't telling him that was the biggest load of crap he'd ever thought of.. but in his state, it wasn't like he was exactly prepared to be tortured, and he was still highly drunk... the depression side of the drink clicking in quickly now that he felt the lingering pain of Jen's foot on his side, and the lasting effects of the multiple cruciatus curses.

He stumbled forward and reached for the drink, nearly knocking it out of Robert's hand. If it was pain they wanted into inflict upon him.. well, bring it on. "Hmm..." He said staring down into it, and felt a lazy smile flick across his face. "Rum? Brandy? How very sweet of you Robert, drinking like old friends are we?" He asked laughing lightly and sitting down opposite of Robert, kicking his feet up onto the table between them. "You know the saying, keep your friends, close, but your enemies closer, and what's closer then having a drink with the man who is the father of a woman you nearly killed." He laughed uproariously, and sat the drink down on the table. "Why don't you get one for yourself eh buddy?" He said laughing, and picking up the drink, he threw it down in one gulp, waiting, expectantly, for the pain.

"No thank you,: Robert said, leaning lazily against the bar. He motioned a bottle of the top shelf firewhiskey over and poured himself and Jen a drink. He levitated Jen;s drink over to her. "Do keep an eye out, my darlng," Robert said smoothly to Jen as he picked up his own glass. "Things are about to get very interesting. This is the brew your brother did not even dream of making. Give it a few seconds." He did not want Jen to be inadvertently in the way if Barker lost his tiny mind.

Robert saw the telltale signs that the potion was working. The flushed pallor, the cold sweat, the violent tremors--all part of the overload it created to the central nervous system. It was creating a sharp increase in blood pressure, breathing, heart rate, fight or flight response--all sent into overdrive. Barker surely had a lot of crap in his past, and most likely in his present as well. It was about to all come down around his ears, quite literally, and all at the same time. What Robert did not know was if Barker would survive it, and if he did, he fully intended to let Jen have her way with whatever little pile of mental goo of him that might remain. If it worked well, it would forever scar him enough that when he tortured now, if he ever did it again, he would have to think twice or maybe three times before he ever made the first move.

Felix could feel it starting within him, a pain, a pain so incredible it felt like it just might make him explode. He gasped and his legs came off of the table he had rested them on, and his hands went to his throat, making choking noises. He hadn't actually expected Robert to kill him full out, he thought he was going to make him suffer, but he was sure this crap was going to kill him. Completely and totally kill him. But then the memories came, one after another after another. Pain, torture despair, his father.. his mother.. his sister. It all flew into his head at the same time. The image of Naomi in front of murderous werewolves, the image of Naomi being pressed to a door by a werewolf man who had a thing for her, his love for her, his feelings that she would die. It hurt so bad, Felix fell off of his chair and fell to the floor, screaming in pain, tears falling down his cheeks, pain his body as he tugged at his cloak, desperate for air.

"NO! He loved me!!! He did!" Felix sobbed, grabbing at his hair, muscles twitching, every flash of terror he had ever seen in his victim's eyes came back, and for the first time, he felt the full blow of remorse towards what he had done. Yelling out and pulling at his hair, Felix sat on his knees on the floor, rocking back and forth, screaming the whole time. "NO! NO!" He sobbed, grabbing at his chest, causing his fingernails to literally rip through the fabric and tear at his skin, leaving long bloody streaks over his heart, as though he were trying to claw it out.

"They took it all away! Don't you understand?! They took it all away from me! So I took it from you!" Felix pointed a shaky finger at Robert. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" He screamed and then doubled over on himself and sobbed uncontrollably. "My father... he loved me! HE LOVED ME! AND YOU TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME! You did this to me! You chased away my mother with my sister! You forced me to join the Death Eaters or die... I HAD NO CHOICE! I Didn't even want to torture! But it was well paid!" Felix's sentences were finished between long bouts of sobbing, his breathing was wracked with grief and pain. "The look in their eyes! THEY HATED ME! But what could I do?! I made it look like I loved it! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE MYSELF! I HATE EVERYTHING I DO!" Felix was screaming now, screaming over the own rushing in his veins. He felt like he was on drugs, but not the fun kind. The whole room was spinning, his mind was tearing at the seams that he had so carefully sewed together. "I love Naomi! She... she's the only one who gets me, and you go after her too!" He sobbed, body trembling. "And it just got worse.. the longer I went, the more I realized how much was expected of me.. I was the bad guy!" Felix sobbed and tore at his hair, screaming in anguish as pain wracked his body mercilessly.

"So I continued.. YOU DID THIS TO ME!" He pointed a shaking finger at Robert again, before he pulled his hand back to himself and rocked on the floor. "I hate it! I hate you.. I hate myself... just end my suffering please!" He fell onto his side on the floor, tears falling across his handsome face, dripping onto the floor, his hands moving to his head, moving to his wand. "You do this to me! So I did it to you back! YOU STARTED IT!" He screamed and grabbed his wand, pointing it at Robert, before he let it drop and sobbed, falling to the floor again and laying unable to do anything but scream and sob on the floor.

Robert had no intention of moving. Barker really was a sick little man. Robert sighed heavily.

"You really do believe all that drivel you've told yourself, don't you?" Robert sighed. "Perhaps I need to give you another dose of the potion so that you can have a refresher course about what the truth really is? I didn't create you, Barker. Your mama didn[t create who you became, nor did your father. You chose that yourself. Your father was a loser who kidnapped and killed children, Barker. I found him in a dark alley with a child. A toddler. He was going to sell her because he only saw the potential on how much money he could make on her. And you know what, Barker? She was your stepsister! Thats right! A 3 year old that he had conceived with some woman he took up with in Knockturn one night when he was just about as drunk as you are now. He gave me no choice. It was him or your sister and me. I didn't tell you or your mother because you didnt need to know what a bastard your father was.. You want the proof? Here!" He opened the bag again and tossed a maila folder on the table. It had an old photo of a child that might well have been a twin to Felix when he had been that age. And a copy of a receipt where Felix's father had sold the child to Gelding's father. "He was delivering her to the auction block. Is that what you wanted for your sister? Honestly?

Robert had no intention of telling Barker whatever had become of his illegitimate half sister. The girl was far better now than she ever would have been as she was. "You're alone and desperate because thats who your father was. He was a lonely, desperate, evil man. And you made your own choices to follow right in his footsteps. And you know something else? You've stooped lower than he ever did."

Felix lay sobbing on the ground, rocking back and forth, the potion forcing him to listen to the man's words, knowing each one was true, and knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it. When the folder landed in front of him, still sobbing, Felix reached out and gently took it, looking at the picture of the young child, gently touching his finger to her face, recognizing his own features in her, she would be a lovely woman by now... saved, unlike Felix had been. Saved from the torture, the abuse, saved from being left alone, at a young age, forgotten, left alone to do whatever he could find fit, forced to sit in his old house, and wait.. hoping, praying that someone would come and take him away.. the nights alone.. the suffering.. the tears... he had only been 13.

"I waited for you." Felix whispered, tears running across his cheeks. "I waited for you... I thought that if the Ministry cared about my father enough to throw him in Azkaban.. and let him rot and die... then maybe they would care about his family.. and check up on us... I waited for MONTHS!" He yelled the last word, tears literally taking flight off of his cheeks, and landing a few feet away from him, angry, glowering, in pain. "I sat in an empty house! When I went back to Hogwarts, I hoped someone would notice me! Look at me differently.. they didn't even know the man was my father! I sat every night in that house, begging Merlin that someone would find me and help me.. I looked for people.. and they ignored me.. brushed me aside as Barker's son!" Felix bent over double, unable to look at Robert anymore, reliving his worst memories over and over in his head, tearing his mind apart, as well as his body, which felt like it was on fire.

"I starved.... I was cold... and yet I waited! I WAITED FOR SOMEONE TO TAKE ME OUT OF THAT HELL! And when I realized you weren't coming... I left! I hardened myself and left.. and got taken under wing by the man who had originally... apparently, bought my step sister!" He pointed at the picture of the girl, sobs wracking his body for a few minutes, sobs unable to be held in anymore, so that he could speak. He lay on the ground weeping like a child again, looking so much like that child, who had sat in the corner of the house, watching as his father abused his mother, and then went down on him next, beating him into near unconsciousness, only to wake him back up and beat him again. "He took me in.. and taught me what you didn't bother to teach me... he taught me what it was like to be a man.. and guess what.. he was wrong! He... he taught me all wrong, and I know that now! But what can I do to stop it eh?! What can I DO?!" He pointed his finger at Robert. "Why tell me all of this! You don't want to help me! You're doing this to kill me! Tear my mind apart, and kill me! You want me to die, just like I nearly killed your daughter! Why did I torture her again? Because she was the one who could have saved me! SHE was the one who was able to protect an innocent child, alone without a family, because YOU threw my father in jail! IT"S ALL HER FAULT! SO just kill me now! Get it over with! I can't live with this life I lead anymore!" He shouted and spread out his arms, eyes closed.

"Oh, grow up," Robert sighed, bored. "Tell me. How often did my daughter cower and scream and beg for her own death from you?" Robert knew better. The screaming hadn;t come when she had been with him. It had come when she was safe. In fact, it was her refusal to satisfy his sick little need for it that had created now within her the ability for her to just basically turn her mind of if life got to a certain terrible point again. "Do you think I just blew you off because you were his son? Seriously? The reason I never came for you is because he told everyone that he was single and didnt have a child. He lied to everyone that you even existed. He even lied to Gelding. When have you ever know of Tom Gelding to hire a family man? Never, that's when. Family men are liabilities. They're risky. They could turn at any time on him and rescue the 'product' Gelding needs to make profit on. Where do you think he learned that from? His father! Your father lied to the Gelding family about your mother, you, and any other child he had out in the world. And you know how he spent the money he made? On a little place in the Alps where he could try to hide from us, from you, from your mother...

"By the time we even knew you existed, you were legal age. And you were already going down the wrong path. What exactly did you want me to do then. As far as Khaat goes, she might symbolliclally fit your need to be angry with the court, but the man who wronged you might well have been Barty Crouch or his replacement. Either way, Khaat was a child when that happened. Where exactly did your mother go, Barker? Huh? Why didnt she take care of you? Maybe you don't know the story about that either as well as you think you do. If there is anyone to be angry with, then go shake your fist at his grave. But believe me, when you messed with me, you messed with the wrong man."

Felix didn't want to hear it, he couldn't hear it. He put his hands over his ears, but his voice just wouldn't get drowned out, maybe it was the potion, maybe it was Felix's own need to hear the truth, from the person most willing to give it to him. Even if that person did it to him, while a potion burned through his system, that was literally burning him dry. His mouth felt try, and he had no more tears to give, he just lay there, dry sobbing, the tears run out, but the pain and the sorrow still there. "She didn't scream..." He whispered, shaking hard, trying to keep back the tears now. "She wouldn't scream for me.... and you well know that.." He growled and looked up at Robert, pain, humiliation, and defeat in his eyes. Felix stared him, and then found himself shaking harder.

"Don't you EVER, EVER Blame my mother for what happened to me! EVER! My mother... she.. she loved me... she loved us.... she just loved my sister more..." He was half rising to his feet, but was in to much pain to actually stand up and go for Robert. "It wasn't her fault... it wasn't her fault.." He fell down to the ground again and lay rocking back and forth, sobs wracking his body, pain tearing through his brain. "You aren't any better then me.. Robert." He whispered. "Or else you wouldn't be doing this right now.. you'd have killed me while my back was turned.." He was sobbing. "My family loved me... they loved me.... and the only thing I could do... I had no choice... I would have died.." Felix was sobbing again, tears in his eyes once more, his body had found the last reserve of water he had to give him his final bout of tears. "What do you want me to do Robert? Beg on my knees for forgiveness? Just let you torture me, and then leave me again... I DON"T HAVE A CHOICE! If I don't do what they want, They will kill me! I HAVE NO CHOICE!" He screamed and fell over onto the floor curling up into a ball and sobbing hard, finally at a point where there was nothing else left in him but his sobs, and the occasional burst of words, repeating over and over. "I don't have a choice..."

Robert took crouched so that Barker would hear him, and he lowered his voice into an iron strong, unyielding hiss. "Dont think for one brief moment that Grindlewald is the worst problem you have in your life," he said, with an eerie, unsettling tone. "If I were you, I would worry far more how you're going to survive me. Or perhaps I should just walk out right now and let Jen take care of you piece by piece.

"You want to know why you're still alone? Well, for starters, you can't choose your line of work and expect women to fawn all over you and want to have your children. It just doesnt work like that, Torture, sadism, cutting up the ladies--it does cut down on your date life. I want you to think. How many times has a victim looked into your face and either with their words or their eyes they begged you just for a minute or two without he pain that you put them through? Just for a moment's reprieve. And how often did you think it was funny. Well, tell me, Barker, is it just as funny now that the tables are turned?

"Did you ever notice your mother's hair? Her eyes? That reddish light blond she had? And those big brown eyes. Do you think that because Khaat has the same hair color and eye color that your anger at her is doubled because she looks so very much like your mother did when you were very small? Is it just even the slightest posibility that you targetted her because of how much rage you feel towards your mother because she didn't stand up for you ? Or because she didnt take you and leave and get you out when you knew she should have? And so you go after Khaat instead because she looks so much like your mother used to."

Felix lay there, listening as his words cut him to the core. He was going to die here.. he would never seen Naomi again... ever.. maybe she would be better off.. she could be with her werewolf boyfriend... She would be happier... She would live.. and he would die... the world would forget him eventually.. if he was remembered, he'd be remembered as the torturer, who died at the hands of the Minister of Magic. Not the best way to be remembered.. but it would be remembered.. hated, forgotten.. his death would mean nothing but rejoice to the wizarding world. He wondered vaguely if that was how Voldemort felt on occasion. Voldemort had never been loved.. and he had gone the same way Felix had.... gotten worse, and worse, his own fear of death keeping him alive. Refusing to admit that love worked in strange ways.. Felix had experienced love.. and he never wanted to let it go.. and yet.. it was slipping out of his fingers like water he was trying to keep cupped in his hands. The image of Naomi pressed against the door flashed through his head, and he moved his hands up to his head, gripping at his hair.

"I have someone to love.. I don't need to date to be happy..." He whispered, eyes finding his for a moment. "I have Naomi.... and to be honest... I'm losing her too.. and it's not even my fault.. I've tried so hard to keep her with me.. I cook her supper and breakfast... I take care of the house... I give her everything she could want, except for freedom... I've told her to leave me.. and she won't.. I love her... I love her." Felix whispered and dry sobbed all over again. "I love her and I'm losing her! And I don't want her to go! I'm afraid.." His voice had fallen to a whisper, he was rocking gently on the floor, curled up as tight as he could get.

Then he spoke of his mother, and his mind immediately filled with her image. The bright, happy look in her eyes, the way the entire house smelt like sunshine, the windows thrown open in the summer, the smell of cinnamon in the winter. Her hair falling around her shoulders as she took them out to the park... him and his sister, attached at the hip, curling up together in the sunshine, his mother with her arms around her children as they curled up against her chest. But the image changed quickly, the look of fear on her face, the bruise as it welled up on her lip, the anger, the fear, the humiliation. Felix watched his father go at her in a drunken rage, yelling out that he would help her.. but to young to actually do anything to save her... thrown to the ground... kicked, punched, crucio'd..

Then waking up to have his father standing over him, looking concerned, helping him to his feet. His mother was somewhere upstairs, but his father took care of him, healed him with simple spells, washed the blood off of his face. Whispering kind words, apologizing for hurting him, over and over, he apologized, whispering how sorry he was, and Felix forgave him.. every time, he had to, it was his father. And you were supposed to love family no matter what.

Then he would leave, disappear for weeks, and life settled back to normal, only there was always that fear for when he would come back, drunken, and wanting to beat someone up... or hurt his mother in ways Felix hadn't understood at the time, but understood perfectly now. Felix pulled his arms over his head and whimpered. "She left me... she had loved me... she loved me.." He whispered, and his eyes found Roberts, and instantly he saw his father, he immediately backed away from him, hitting the bar, and moving into a corner, his eyes wide. "Please.. I didn't do it this time, I'm honest!" He looked up at Robert, eyes wide as he saw his father in his every feature, imagining him as his father, knowing it was a lie, but unable to see past what he was seeing. "She left me.. she took my sister! She took Grace.. she took her.. and left me... I did nothing but save her.. and she left me.. alone..." He was whimpering now, his hair falling into his face, sticking in his sweat, plastering his forehead. "She took her... and Khaat was the closest person I had ever seen to her in so long.. when I first saw her.. on that table... I thought for a moment it was her.. I swore it was.. and I got so angry.. so... incredibly angry... and I... I let at her.. and when she got away.... I had to see her again.. even if it was chained to my wall, bleeding.. I had to see her again.. I had to see my mother..." He whispered.

"Elijah... Chase... they were both just... ways to get her to open her eyes.. so I could see them... ways I could see past the differences from my mother that she had... and see down to where I knew she was.. but she wasn't... she wasn't.... so I got angry.. I go so angry when the person I saw in her eyes wasn't my mother.. and I let that anger control me... I let it take over.." Felix whispered, his eyes locked on Robert. "Is that what you want to hear? The reason behind torturing her? She looked so much like her.. and I was so angry at her.. and... she wasn't her.. I want to see her so badly... I want to see my mother.. and she's gone... she took Grace, and she's gone.." Felix pulled his knees up to his chest, and shuddering in pain and exhaustion, laid his forehead on his knees, listening to his own increased heart rate, trying to calm himself down. "You don't understand... how much it hurt.. to come home from Hogwarts after my 2nd year at Hogwarts... I had just turned 13... and... I opened the door and there was no one there.. nothing there.. only a note, saying she had taken Grace and left, and not to look for her... it was months old.. I could have never tracked her down.." He was talking to his knees now. "So kill me... just... get it over with.. I've become the man I told myself I would never become.. all because I was lost, and confused, and made bad choices.. and now I can't break away from those choices.. so it would just be easier if you killed me... and saved the world a lot of trouble.." He suddenly jumped to his feet, ignoring the agony that swept over his body and went at Robert, arm's outstretched, before he stopped, and glared, standing right in front of him, not moving, before he slowly lowered his arms.

"Just do what you want to do.. don't do what the potion is making me do.. make me bleed... make me scream.. I deserve it.." he whispered and let his head fall backwards, his eyes closing as he waited for Robert to strike.

Jen looked at Felix with a mixture of pity and contempt. She gave a heavy sigh and pulled her feet away from him. He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t brave. He was just a man; a man capable of feeling guilt without their help. Jen stood up and kicked her seat away. Barker was not someone who scared her. No, she was prepared to get close and prepared for his eventual retaliation. She crouched down; her hands clasped together, and looked at the poor, poor man that had become so warped in the exhilaration of the kill, that when it finally registered with him to care, it hurt him more than he’d first thought. She knew that feeling. Blood was on her hands too; Muggle and otherwise. She knew what it felt like to feel it all come back, to have to suffer through the screams that hurt instead of excited. For Barker those days were long gone, especially with regards to those he’d hurt in the past. There were still those to come.

“He doesn’t need it,” She murmured. “He’s drowning in his own guilt. Depressants won’t help him any more than they already haven’t.” Jen reached forward and swept Felix’s hair off of his forehead. “You’re just a sad little boy desperate for someone to love you. Did you find that in the Greyback girl, Felix? Does she love you? I’d hope so, after all you put her through. Or is there something else to it? I doubt it. No, she likes the power as much as you do. The power over life and death. It’s ridiculous isn’t it? It’s better than a quick fix. It’s pure adrenaline. There’s literally nothing better than that feeling is there? We’ve got that power over you Felix and you know it don’t you? Do you want to die? Well, no one truly wants to die but do you want to? Right this second? Would you trade your life for a chance to truly be free and at peace? Would you trade her?”