So I've finally decided I need more help than just keeping a journal. A lot of things have happened...well not a lot of things. Other than my job and a fight with Emil nothing new really has come up. I feel so foolish about it. Work is becoming harder and harder now with Emil constantly worrying about whether or not I'm going to get hurt. I'm deputy mistress of magic in Germany. I have to get involved with the Aurors, its just part of my job. I will take missions with them. How else will I make a better leader if I'm not fighting along side of the people who work for me? It was the same way my father made his way up to be Minister of Magic there. Only difference is, is that I'm not going to die from idiotic mistakes.
Emil on the other hand, has sadly found out how crazy I can really be. It wasn't even like I wanted it to happen. I had never thought he would have hit me with a cruciatus curse but he did. And I know, had I not already been tired from my mission with the German Aurors that I would have easily dodged such an attack. Really I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did in that fight. It really shouldn't have escalated to throwing spells and curses at each other. I just wish my stupefy had hit him. At least it would have knocked him out for a moment and he would have probably come back up a little calmer. Still, I guess I should have been more careful myself and made sure I had been healed up before he got to the castle.
The worst part about it. After I was hit with the curse, I don't remember anything. Well bits and pieces really. More so his terrified expression on his face and then having Godric's snake at my neck after I had been knocked down to the ground. Emil really could have overpowered me quite easily, if he had wanted to I know, but I must have been a pretty frightening site to say the least. I mean it was bad enough for Godric to get involved and knock me out himself.
I feel like I might have ruined things between us but I really can't help that now. I need to seriously get into some sort of therapy I know. I've been determined to talk to him, and if he doesn't want to see me anymore I can't really hold it against him. I just hope that he understands that I truly wasn't in the best state of mind when I had been hit with that curse. I'm just glad that the effects are only temporary thanks to Godric. At least for now. The potions he makes to help me with them are becoming less and less effective.
But now he has his own problems to content with. From what I've seen through the link he and I share, Tourk is not dead as we thought he was. I really do hate that werewolf jerk. He better hope he never sees me because he will have an avenging angel to contend with because I will not be as nice as Godric once was. I know thats probably because at one point he was Godric's best friend and probably even more, although I don't ever ask. But he's changed my soul twin. He's a much more hardened person than he was that night he came in little over a year ago, needing me to heal him. Probably because he lost Gift too. Thats even hard on me. Set just isn't the same as Gift. He cares for no one and nothing and doesn't even let me close to him, unless I'm near Delk. At least Gift would crawl up my arms and legs like he did with Delk. I just don't understand.
But he also thinks he's come up with a potion that could actually cure me of my stages of psychotic tendencies. I'll be so glad when he does. And I'll be glad to know when Tourk is finally dead. I just feel like everything is falling in on me all at once and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like feeling this helpless about anything. I've really never had to rely on anyone for anything and now I feel like I'm having no choice. I just wish I could close my eyes and everything thats happened would be a horrible nightmare.
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