Chase stood on the grounds, staring into the orange and yellow sunset. It wasn't quite time to go inside, but the sun was sneaking over the mountains, making the little valley that Hogwarts was nestled in, darker then it should have been at that time. Staring into the beautiful sunset, Chase wrapped her arms around her stomach protectively. Her mind seemed to be at peace for the moment, content with watching as the sun sank more and more out of site. The grounds losing the brilliant orange, and turning into a gray, color bleached land. Long after the sun had gone out of site, Chase sat on the grounds, staring up at the sky as first one, then two, then thousands of stars peaked out from the black velvty curtain of night. Showing their faces to the world, they twinkled, as though speaking to one another, and then settled against the black, content to wait out the night.
Was Chase a star? Sitting, and waiting for eternity, beautiful when put together with others, but ugly and incomplete when set alone in the night. Like the one star that one could see, hovering as though a rebel, in a sky that was washed orange with city lights. Chase looked at the sky for a long time, feeling it grow colder around her, and the sounds of the forest coming alive with it's night time wanderers. Chase was like them too.. the ones who only came out at night. The ones who waited until the rest of the world was asleep, in order to reveal their true identities, the werewolves, the vampires, the creatures of the night.. that was Chase, just in a prettier body.
She didn't deserve all of this... she didn't deserve to have the comfort and security she had right then. The people who had teamed together to help her in any way they could. Giving her potions, medicine, advice, love... There was no way she deserved any of that. Thinking back, Chase had only caused grief, grief for others, and then cried about it. She didn't have the right to cry. Not when she was where she was at. Sure it was sad.. she had gotten herself knocked up, and her body had responded in the way it knew how. She had cried.. but every time she got teary eyed.. her mind went back to Jack screaming at her.
"STOP CRYING! You always cry, and it's your own damn fault. Stop making yourself cry! I've had so much happen to me, you have caused sh!t for me and I have not cried once. You don't get to cry."
You don't get to cry.. it was like an echo in her head, it was like, her body was telling her that she was done with the life she had once led. The other day, she had read her diary over. Read over, and tried to feel like she had felt when that had happened. She could remember some things about it, the major decisions, the feeling of complete worthlessness. Her mind went to Vito Dee Symons, pinned against a wall, her life flashing before her eyes. And Chase had realized, realized how stupid she was. How completely and totally worthless she truly was.Chase shivered and looked down at the lake, the moonlight playing across its features now that the sun had gone down completely.
Chase closed her eyes and felt the moonlight on her skin. She was like the moonlight to, beautiful when you looked at it, but cold and unintelligent when you felt it. Bringing with it, the cold of the night, the beasts, the monsters of the world. Chase was the cause of all of those horrible things. SHE was the one who caused problems in everyone elses lives. And she knew it now.. it had taken a long time to come around to it, even after Jack had yelled at her. Even after Sophia had sided with her, and Elijah had decided to stay. Even after her life finally took a turn for the better, she was realizing that she didn't deserve for her life to take a turn for the better.
That's when Chase realized that she wasn't the horrible things that came out at night, oh no, she wasn't.. she was LOWER then the monsters that came out at night. She was the dirt that was kicked up under their paws and feet as they ran around, doing their wicked deeds. She was their teeth, that slashed into their prey. The tool used to make the others lives as miserable as possible. Except unlike the tool of the monster, Chase had no higher purpose, except her own goals. Like a splinter, it hurt when it went in, it hurt while it was in, and it hurt after it was pulled out. Sometimes it splintered off, and wouldn't come out, making it that much harder to pull out, that much more painful to get out. She was the splinter, she was the one that no one wanted, she was the thing that even though no one wanted her, she stuck around just for the fun of it.
Who wanted Chase around? Right now? No one... the only reason people were nice to her was because she was pregnant.. when the baby was born? They would like her because she had a newborn child.. when the child grew up? Was five? Chase would be pitied for not being able to lead a life, because she had had a child so young... When the baby grew up? Moved out? What would Chase have then? Nothing but the worst memories of her past, and somehow unable to cry about it. Because even though Chase knew, on a normal day, the tears would have been flowing now.. but now? They were used up, she was in a constant state of unhappiness. The chocolate? Disgarded, she didn't deserve that... the happiness she felt around Eli? Temporary, because it always came back to this.. lifeless, dull feeling in her heart.
She was a monster.. Jack had told her everything she was. Insane, stupid, selfish.. that's what she was, and that's what she would always be. Unless she changed it all around right now. Unless she changed her entire life around, this second.. she would forever be that stupid, insane, selfish Hufflepuff, who had gotten herself knocked up by the beautiful Slytherin, made friends with the Death Eater teachers, and had no idea what the real world was like. Chase felt the sorrow build, but suddenly, it got lighter, as though, through this time by herself, through finally stating what she was, it was going to be okay now.
"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you"
“Jack..” Chase had sung the entire thing, but the last word, Jack.. seemed to stay the longest in the air. As though captured by the coldness, and thrown back into her face by the wind. But it was like the wind had turned it over, gave it a new appearance while in the wind, and when it had thrown it back into her face, it was like a fresh blast of wind.. a wind that smelt like brownies, and lake water. She closed her eyes and stood up, staring at the star dotted sky. “I'm sick and tired of who I am.. I'm sick and tired of being Chase.. and I realize now.. that without your help.. I would never have come to this conclusion.. so Jack..” She said towards the stars. “If you were to know what I were feeling right now.. if you were to know how I felt.. about everything I did towards you.. I'm sorry.... I'm not going to cry anymore, I'm not going to give in, it's my own damn fault after all... But.. Jack.. I just wish I could tell you how very sorry I was.. for ruining your life, and even though you're so much better off without me, and if you never saw me again, it would probably help you... I wish we could still smell those brownies and taste that lake water.. even if it were just once more..”
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