[[OOC: 1128 words, and yes you better read all of it! It's one of the most, if not the most, important posts for Jemma on this board. So read or DIE.]]
Jemma watched everyone getting up and leaving, in amazement. She knew the Order had been planning to do something...but she hadn't realised it was so soon. She stood up, and stood between where the Order were at the door, and where the Headmaster and another couple of staff members were.
Ok. What the F*** am I supposed to do now. Yes, Jemma, now IS a time I can swear. It's like, I have to choose between like the two most important things in my life. And yes, it IS that bad. I mean apart from my family, obviously. These two things have just, been a part of my life for so long now! I don't want to loose either of them!
The school. The Order. The school. The Order.
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DECIDE THIS SO DAMN QUICKLY ON THE SPOT?
I mean, really. Nobody has given me any warning about this decision. They can't expect me to decide just like that. So I won't. I can stand in the middle of the room, make tension, and decide in my head. I can block out everyone else. This is one of the biggest decisions I'll ever make. There's no reason to rush it. In fact, there's a great reason to take my time and make sure that I make the right decision.
Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll go through the pros and cons of both staying at Hogwarts and going with the Order. Yes. A mental pro-con list. That is the logical thing to do. I'll do that.
Ok, the school. The school is my home. I do have another home, but the school is more...home-ly. Although with half the teachers gone, it's not going to feel like that anymore. Then again, leaving the students with Majere and only staff that agree with him is a frightening prospect. I can't leave the students...can I? I might be their only hope for survival in this school, with Professors like that. Plus, what would I do if I left? I would have no job. I can't live on no income. I mean, I would have some money that I've saved up, and a place to live, but I need food! Even if I sold my place and lived with the Order, that would take months! And what would I do for a living, even then? I'm going on fifty-five now, how many people would want to hire someone my age? How could I survive without the school? It's a two-way thing. Could the students survive without me? Could I survive without this place?
What about the Order though! I've been a Member of that for longer than staff. They're like a family too me. I don't have a proper family anymore, they're like all I have. I have Marie, yes, but she lives in France. As much as I love her, I can't see her all that much. The Order are an amazing organization. They've fought wars, they've always brought justice to the situation. They have never failed, yet. How could I leave them? I mean, choosing a job over what is right. As Dumledore (RIP) always said, you have to choose between what is right, and what is easy. Neither of these decisions are easy though! If I stayed at school, the Order might take it to mean that I leave them and no longer want to be a part of them. But I do! I can't leave the Order now. None of the staff know about my affiliation though. The Headmaster won't be expecting me to leave. If I leave, I'll be free of that horrible man! I don't know him at all, but his auror...it sends out bad signals.
SCREW LOGIC. It doesn't work. There are many, MANY pros and cons for both decisions and going through them all doesn't help at all! Why does this have to be happening with EVERYONE on staff watching me? Why couldn't I have had any warning? But I didn't. No. That would have just been too easy. Well actually, it wouldn't have been easy at all. But it would have been way easier than this, that's for sure!
So logic fails me. As usual. I've never been a logical person. Why did I ever think logic would help me, at all? Really? Nope. Of course not. So now what do I do? Go on gut feeling? Instinct? What?
What I always do.
Jemma closed her eyes, and tried to picture the future. There weren't many times in her life she actually tried to see the future. It usually came to her, rather than the other way around. The others probably think I'm a complete freak. Well tough. I need to decide. I don't know what to do.
Jemma opened her eyes inside her head, looking into the darkness in front of her. Or what seemed to her like it was in front of her.
Which path to go down, which path to go down? The school? The school, I could...I could keep my position...miss the Order...really miss the Order...Order might come back to school...if they come back...I leave? I don't want to leave..
Other path, other path! Order...leave school...miss school...no money, no food...but friends. Yes food, from friends. Little, little, little...but friends...friends...Return to school...Order return? But they might not...but they might...there is a chance...though...how big...not sure...
Wait...what is that...me...being...Merlin...but I can't...I mustn't...I have to...that's it...my choice. Done. Done. Done...
Jemma's head jerked down, to face the wall, her eyes opening with a jolt. She knew what she had to do. There was no avoiding it. She had seen it happen. She couldn't avoid making the decision any longer, no matter what. She would have to decide sooner or later. Standing in the middle much longer would only make the decision that much worse.
She turned to face them. Them. She knew she had to leave them. She couldn't bring herself to say it. "I...I...I'm sorry." she said, tears in her eyes. Something that had been a part of her life for so long now. But she couldn't leave the others either. But she... Jemma pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket, and wiped her eyes. She took one last look at them. "I am truly sorry. But I can no longer be a part of this." she said directly to the man in charge.
Then, she turned to the others. It was them, to whom she was loyal. However much she wished to be loyal to the both groups, she had made her decision. There was no turning back now.
Slowly, Jemma made her way over to the door. She was with the Order. That was her choice. Now she would have to live with it.