Lily L. Potter, 2030

Apollo,

I think I'm paranoid. I feel like Molly knows. If there's anyone to trust a secret with, it's certainly her. But something in her eyes seem so knowing to me lately. Much beyond that teasing 'I see through you' look she usually has. And, I don't know. I feel like other students look at me like I've done something too. I get an odd vibe from Lux. And Julian Kapur is always stifling a laugh when I look up at him.

If we didn't have to keep it a secret, I wouldn't feel this way. My whole life has always been on blast as it is, and you're one of the few things I wouldn't mind people knowing about. But I also want to keep you to myself, not just out of need, but so no one can ruin it. I trust us enough to know we'll get through but the world is so hostile and unfair and it makes me nervous.

None of the staff treat me like anything's up. I suppose they are who I should worry about. Weirdly, I don't really talk to any of them. Maybe I should make an effort to befriend at least one other person here. Maybe it's time I talk to Teddy. I'm scared of that. I know I am. I know it's just my pride and my shame and my own sense of self worth keeping me from reconciling with him. But I'm going to try. I really will.

I hope you're not forcing yourself into seclusion. Let people be there for you, love, while I can't.

I love you, I love you,

Lily

Apollo,

I leave the journal in my room. I've seen you with it, but you have a much better excuse from privacy. If I'm ever suspected, Keir the Headmaster has a right to ask to see it, if there's ever a connection. So I'm keeping it tucked away safely, discouraging suspicion altogether.

Which means, the few times that I'm caught without something to do, I've taken to reading. I've been sending lists to Flourish and Blotts and getting  exhausted owls in return, loaded down with books. I used to read quite a lot. I don't know if you knew that. It was probably my favorite thing. I don't know when I stopped. I'm going to start again. Books can be my friends.

I'm kidding.

I really am going to try. To reach out, that is. You're all I need, but I don't want us to ever feel like we need to rely on each other. That's too much pressure. I think my mum relied on my dad. Everyone treated her like she was this strong, independent person but I never saw that. She put on a good act, I guess, but what I saw was a woman who seemed to forget why I was even around. Without him, nothing seemed to make sense, and I don't want that for either of us. You make me stronger, but you don't make me, and I think it's the same with you.

That said, I'd put up a pretty big fight to keep you around.

All this to say, I'm going to reach out. I'm not sure where. Or to whom. But I will. I hope you do too.

I just can't wait for summer. I don't know what your plans are, but I sure hope they include me.

Waiting, almost patiently,
Lily

Apollo,

Things have been so busy. More and more I am reminded of how ill-equipped I am to be a teacher. I have the 'mastery' of the subject, and that is it. I don't have the temperament. I don't have the natural ability to teach or lead. I don't have the right. At least, that's what I can't help but feel. And sometimes see in some student's eyes.

It's made me wonder, though. What should I be doing? Before... Well, before you, I had sort of given up on the sense of a future. Now was hard enough, let alone later. But now I've realized I'm almost 19 and have absolutely no plan. Not even an inclination. I don't know where I'd be useful. I don't know what I'd even like to do.

Let's just run away. It can be Christmas every day.

I love you,
Lily

Apollo,

People have been talking about you and I hate it. They must not know about us - which is a good thing - but there's a special torture in hearing you talked about and being powerless to stop it. It's not slanderous. It's not unkind. If anything, it's praise. But it's clear that there are people who are trying to hurt and manipulate you and what can I do about it?

Lux visited me. About you. Suggested I give you detention or something so I can get a chance to 'set you straight.' I told her I had no business to do so and tried to double down on the whole unhappy break up charade. It's much easier for me to just stay out of view from people.

You look tired these days. I hate not being able to reach out. My patience is running out.

Hold on for me,

Lily

Apollo,

We spoke today. Today I gave you and Ace a fake detention - just when I thought Ace had warmed up to me too - because you hadn't healed your hand. Apollo, I know you claim it was an accident, and I believe that, but you're a healer in training. You know/knew it needed to be healed. You didn't let it. Whether or not you recognize it, that's a form of self harm. I'm worried about you. Between Christian running around and your parents being hard on you, and the school ostracizing you, I'm scared you'll spiral and lose yourself. I won't let it happen.

I know a thing or two about self sabotage. I know what it's like to punish yourself. We've never exactly talked about what you saved me from. And what I did while I was away. Mostly because I'm ashamed. And I also don't want you to look at me like I'm broken and fragile and close to falling to pieces. I feel stronger than I have in years. I'm not 'good' yet. I probably need to go back to therapy. Good is elusive, and easily compromised, but I'm okay. And you forget to take care of yourself as it is, it worries me to give you another excuse to focus on me instead of you.

But one day, I'll explain it. I'll explain it so you know why I know the signs of depression, why I avoid certain types of places, and why I'll never be able to see myself as being a noble Potter. You can ask me anything you want, and I will tell you with complete honesty as long as you swear to not look at me like I need saving. I can't help if any of it changes the way you see me, or makes your feelings change, but you cannot get it into your head that you need to be my savior. You've done your share of saving.

Is it weird that I can still feel you? It's been long, and it'll be longer again. But summer will arrive and we'll run away for awhile. And in the meantime, we'll get our heads sorted out.

I love you,

Lily

Apollo,

I don't know if you noticed.

I had the journal on my desk today.

It felt risky. I worried about it and immediately shoved it away after your class left. But I wanted you to see it. I wanted you to know I write in it. I wanted you to remember that I think about you every day and am always sending you little thoughts. I hope you feel them. I hope they make you happy.

Lily

Apollo,

I heard you. I think you wanted me to hear you.

I'm so happy.

I love you. Things are getting better. Hold on.

Not yet but soon,

Lily

Apollo,

Days pass, and I work on lessons, and I work on potions. Have I told you that I'm trying to work on a wolfsbane that's less horrid, and less expensive? So many werewolves transform without help because the potion is so complicated and so expensive. It's a feat in itself to get it to be accessible to every werewolf, but I'd also like to work on making it so the transformation is less painful. First thing's first though.

I still don't know what I want to do, after all this. All I know is that I feel obligated to give back to other werewolves, and that I'm good at potions. I want to be useful, but I want to work behind the scenes. I don't know. I don't know.

I hope you're well. I want to ask you about everything you're doing. I want to hear about your days.

Please show up sooner, summer.

Your love,

Lily

Apollo,

So.

Professor McKillon offhandedly mentioned you visited Teddy. She was talking to someone else, but I saw her glance my way. I don't know if it was because I was looking, or because of you, or because of Teddy. I want to ask what that was about. I want to ask Teddy what he thought of you. I want to ask you how you two got along.

When will I be brave enough to actually make things up with my brother?

I feel bad that I've ever given you advice on what to do about Christian, when I can't even talk to Teddy. He's not even blood and he was a better brother to me than Albus and James combined and now we work together and we never even talk...

I love you, Apollo. I can't wait for the days where we don't need this middle man of a journal.

Waiting, waiting, waiting,

Lily

Apollo,

Flipping through, I realized I start all of these the same, and I think it's because I just miss your name. It's been awhile since I had a proper excuse to say it aloud, since you're Mr Zabini in class. I feel like an idiot but I just said your name aloud and it feels so comforting - it's just a good name to say. You, at the least, have your parents to thank for that.

Where I originally was going with this was to mention that I also miss the way you look when I say your name. It's strange how our names become these intimate little things when you really love someone. It's like everyone has been slightly mispronouncing your name and then one day someone says it and you almost forgot what it was supposed to sound like, and this person is going out of their way to remind you and tell you that it's a good name, a beautiful name, and you're beautiful for it too.

The point is, love, I miss reminding you how highly I think of you in just three syllables.

A-poll-o.

I-love-you.

Love, Lily