Knee Deep

Keiran couldn’t tell if Millie noticed in her leaving his side to head into the adjoining room, but he let out what felt like the grandest sigh in his entire life. She wasn’t as angry as he had expected, even after everything that day. Avoiding any intrusion into her privacy, he changed clothes on the other side of the door, careful to keep from seeming reluctant, but also careful to keep his actions calm and not at all rushed from his desire to sleep for years. It wasn’t until he heard a flop on the bed that he glanced up, shirt wound round his arms as he paused in his pulling it on over his head. A quiet smile crossed his face at how very… Millie she was. Her words caught him off guard, realizing she had probably noticed his affectionate gaze.

He turned his head away to pull the shirt on before hesitating only a moment, his feet finally carrying him back into the room where she had scared him so badly. If she cried again, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Keiran knew, though, that if he intended to gather breakfast in the morning, he would probably need to tell her where he was headed this time. Granted, she had been the one to leave a note last time, even knowing that he could have been long gone by then. Maybe, even then, Millie had known that he needed her just as much as she claimed to need him. He wasn’t so sure that she did, sometimes; the woman was far too Gryffindor sometimes. Even still, she was somehow inherently Slytherin, leading Keiran to believe that she could likely get away with whatever she wanted.

Upon reaching the bed, Keiran knew that the moment he laid back, he would want to let the pillows drag him down into the depths of sleep. Instead of allowing them to do their job, he remained upright, legs crossed so he could face her and hear whatever it was that she wanted to say, or reply to whatever it was that she wanted to discuss.

A momentary silence fell and Keiran wondered if she would be confused by his actions after everything that had gone wrong. He had to say something to break the quiet, he decided. “If I lay down, I’ll be lost to the world. I can manage a while longer, though, if it means figuring out what happened.” He could make it a few more hours if he had to. Especially if it meant that they got past whatever this was.

Something, though, struck him as he sat there. They had been having the same stupid argument since that past Christmas. The question of one wanting the other was always in the air, and Keiran couldn’t figure how to quiet the wondering in either of their minds after whether or not they would last. For a while, after the twins came and he had been between jobs, he had been sure that they had gotten past this. He had accepted, for a few months, that he needed to be there for Millie and would accept Bridget’s help regarding money. After a while, though, Keiran had come to the conclusion that he hardly seemed like much of a husband or provider if he were using his family’s money, regardless of the fact that it was openly offered.

But they were never together anymore, and he was so afraid of being the negative force in Millie’s and the twins’ lives that he never interjected himself.

Keiran had never taken the moment he should have to wonder if Millie missed working with Elliot or if she wanted more time to herself. He was so concerned with being the one earning the money he was told by society that he should. Would it be so bad if he dropped the nonsense job that he hated and let her do what she wanted? Right then, he was so exhausted that the idea sounded like the most brilliant thought he’d ever had. Perhaps it took him being so tired and him needing her so badly to make him realize that he had been the most oblivious and stubborn git that ever was. His family’s money would easily take care of them, especially considering what his mother had admitted to him recently.

That rather clinched it, then, didn’t it? He hated the job, and Millie seemed to dislike staying home, as she always had even while carrying the twins and avoiding the anger that the Ministry might bring down upon them. If nothing could be solved in their discussion, he resolved to just throw out the idea and see if it would make her happy. Keiran would gladly do as was necessary if it made her happy with him again; an angry Millie apparently meant a lost and sleep-deprived version of himself, and he already missed her more than he did at home, regardless of their having been together for a good bit on their vacation.

There was a part of Millie that was still angry. Livid, actually. All of Millie still loved Keiran, though. Mountains could be moved and the seas could change and turn but at the close of each day she’d still let her eyes fall in the knowledge that she still loved him. She would always love him, of that she was certain, but she could not live with a man who did not want to be a part of the world that he had helped create. What she refused to believe was that he had just assumed contentedness in her. What she couldn’t believe was that he mistook trial and error for natural ability and for proficiency in childcare which he could not aspire to. For not trying, she hated him. For hiding behind his work, for hiding from their family, she wanted to strangle him. But she still loved him.

When Keiran entered the room belatedly, Millie couldn’t help but smile and she sat up, shaking her head briefly at him. He had always tried to protect her. In this case it was her modesty, however ridiculous that was two children later, and in the past it had been his endeavour to safeguard her liberty, often at the expense of her happiness. She had to give him credit for his stubbornness, though. She just couldn’t believe that he still trod on eggshells. She supposed he always had done. The first day, when they’d met each other in the knowledge that they’d be married, he’d tried to make her comfortable, gone out of his way to not offend. The only times she’d seen him candid, perhaps true, was when they’d argued over Avery, mourned his father, had the children and then the argument the day before. Four times. Other than that, she wasn’t sure which Keiran it was.

Millie brought her hands to Keiran’s cheeks and her lips to his. She pressed one kiss, then another and another to make three before sitting back once more, dropping her fingers into his palms. She took a breath and tried to pick her words. An interlude had let her rehearsed speech slip quietly out of the back door of her mind. All she wanted was for Keiran to understand. She wanted Keiran to want to want to change. She needed him to be a part of their family. Damn the money. Damn the job. Damn it all. They’d live off of nothing, for all she cared, and as long as they were all together they’d be happy. They could be living in the dizzying heights of wealth and status but if they weren’t together she didn’t care. She wanted her babies clustered between them. She wanted them to be their children, properly equal parts his and hers. She wanted him to marvel at them and for them to traipse around on his heels, far more interested in what he got up to than their mother. She wanted her family back again.

“Keiran we’re falling apart,” she whispered. “If we’re not in pieces already then we will be and I don’t want that. We need to fix this. I don’t think we ever learnt how to properly be together. I just don’t. I don’t think I know who you are and you don’t know who I am and to be honest I don’t think you know who you are and me… Merlin only knows who I am. Now we’ve got these children who I certainly love to death and though they’re a blessing I know they’re not helpful because we can’t even fix ourselves, how can we raise them, right? But we’ve got to fix ourselves. We have to want to do it because I love you so much and I want this to work. I don’t want to wake up one morning and find you gone or to leave you or to leave our children without one parent, only to then get them four with me trying to replace you and vice versa. I need you, Keiran. Our children need you, too. They need their father and I need my husband. Drop the ball. Let’s just have some time as a family, please. If we don’t sort it out now, I don’t think we’ll ever be a proper family.”

He didn’t understand the reasoning behind Millie’s kisses, but Keiran wasn’t going to complain. Each one felt almost like a step in the right direction, even though that was ridiculous. Silence reigned for a few moments before she started, Keiran doing his best to pay attention regardless of the ache that her words set into him. They were entirely true, which kept him from interrupting or trying to deny anything. Every bit of it was proper and deserved, and he hated it. When she finished, though, he knew he had to say it. Had to give in and accept that what was best for the family would be best for him in the end as well.

“I was thinking,” he began slowly, trying to restrain the sheer distaste in his voice. “It might be better if I just stayed home, and you could do that, or you could work with Elliot again, or- I don’t know.” Shaking his head, he did his best to push away the exhaustion so he could get the words out. “You know mum would help us, and that dad would have wanted her to. So money isn’t a problem. But if you want me around I will be. I don’t- I don’t know exactly what that will mean for us, but if you’re not happy with it we can try something else. Anything. The last thing I want is for you to decide that this isn’t worth it because I have a temper, or because I get scared every time you call me out on my flaws. I can’t help but think that those things you point out are things that you mention because you hate them. But I get it, Millie. I do.” He added hastily, hands enclosing hers between his fingers, “Because I do, too. So that’s not a problem. The problem is that I haven’t done anything about it. So I have to. This is all I can come up with right now, but it’s a start.”

Keiran didn’t realize until he’d stopped that his words were practically flying out of his mouth, trying to get everything out before he either fell asleep or was interrupted by his wife for some reason or other. He hung his head briefly before lifting it to glance at her warily. It had to work. He couldn’t think of anything else that could fix it quickly, if it actually managed to fix the problem. Then again, judging by Millie’s words, he was the problem. So changing his habits and tendencies might just do it. He pushed back a yawn, his fingers passing over the backs of Millie’s hands.

“This can be fixed.” He swore, eyes searching hers.

It wouldn't have been such a complicated conversation were it not for his not having slept. It certainly wasn't helping that the bed was comfortable and that he had gotten his thoughts out. Now he felt like he was sinking into the sheets and listing towards Millie for both approval and warmth. At night, Greece was rather like a desert: strangely cold despite its location in the Mediterranean. His eyes drifted across Millie's face even in the shadow created by the low light, searching for a reaction and permission to sink into the pillows and catch up on the sleep he had missed.

All Millie could think to do was hug him. Hug him and cling to him and try and steal away all of the hurt that was there, placed by herself, placed by Keiran and placed by the truly unfair world in which they lived. Her hands looped into his hair as she pressed herself against him, peppering kisses onto his jaw and neck as she did so. Under each kiss, she whispered just how much she loved him. And she did. She couldn’t think of anyone else she would have rather been with, for better or for worse. It was for better or for worse that she wanted it to be. She loved him so tirelessly that all she wanted was the best for him and the best for all of them by extension. Keiran was the man that she wanted to grow old with but if everything fell apart before then, how could she? But it wouldn’t. He was right, they could fix this. She was determined to. They were determined to.

“It wasn’t just you, Keiran,” she whispered gently in his ear. “I wasn’t helpful either. I let this fester and I shouldn’t have. I should’ve supported you and I didn’t, I was just angry and I-”

A soft sob rippled past Millie’s lips as she felt her eyes spring with tears and she instinctively wrapped her arms more tightly around her husband. Perhaps in time, the holiday will be looked back on with wry fondness. All Millie wanted was for things to be right again. She needed things to be right again. The emotional turmoil was too much, though. All of it, all in one go, seemed to want to leave her and she collapsed against him, riddled with tears and wracked with sobs. She shook her head against him, bringing her hands down to rest on his shoulders.

“I want you to stay with us always if we can afford it, love,” she murmured, lifting her watery gaze to his. “I want our babies to know how wonderful their daddy is,” she sniffled a bit despite herself and rubbed at her nose with the back of her hand. “I just want you to be with us properly and be happy and not be bogged down in a job you hate. I want you to be you, my love. I want us to be able to breathe easy instead of worrying after the next thing or the next thing. We need to be a family, Keiran. We need this. Stay. Stay forever. Don’t leave us again.”

Millie separated herself from him a little but not for long, just long enough for her to peel back the covers from the bed and tug him down into it. She brought the covers back up around them and settled into his arms, curling against his chest as she always used to. Too long having fallen asleep on the other side of the bed, too exhausted to even think about cuddling him, had elapsed unimpeded. She looped her fingers with his and held on to him, fearful even in the eventual sleep that took her that he’d disappear on her again. She needed him and so did their children. He didn’t realise how needed he was, how cherished he was. How much he had underestimated himself.

Things would change, of that she was sure, and most certainly only for the better.

At the young yet important age of eleven, one Keiran Hayes had trundled into the wand shop in order to procure his wand. Father in tow, the young boy had tested naught but the one wand, the shop owner being quite certain upon meeting him that the wand would be quite perfect for him. A pliable wand was settled in his hand, the implications not quite realized until the boy became a young man: Not only was he surprisingly skilled at Transfiguration where his father was not, but the Slytherin was painfully mercurial and changed to fit his surroundings.

Although he had always known himself to do so, Keiran had to note that this was likely one of his biggest changes. Giving up his career hadn’t ever been something he wanted to do – at least, not until he was quite old and thus forced to retire for any number of reasons that might come with aging.

Regardless of the fact that sleep was begging him to give in, Keiran was determined to show Millie that he was serious about his promises. He couldn’t simply turn round and burrow into the sheets as soon as she finished speaking, regardless of her obvious display of how pleased she was with the idea. At least he had chosen properly when offering potential ways to fix the problem. Her kisses and touches warmed him straight through, her quiet murmuring of her feelings actually threatening to make him collapse purely out of relief. At least he wasn’t so tired that he felt the need to cry – he had only done so once (twice at most) in front of his wife, and refused to do so again.

His hands brushed over her arms, sides and back, trying subconsciously to convince himself that they were fine and that they would continue to be that way. They could manage it, he knew, but it would take Keiran doing his damnedest to take over a good bit of responsibility for the kids. For the little ones that he had wanted so badly to do right by in having a job and letting them spend time with people who understood babies where he didn’t. Millie would just have to teach him, he mused silently, registering belatedly how pleased he would feel when he walked up to his employer and quit without warning or reason. It would actually be rather fantastic. Perhaps the enthusiasm that came with the freedom of abandoning such an awful job would kick start him into doing more properly at home, too.

Keiran realized, too late, that his hold on her was probably too strong. But the moment her heard and felt her crying, he just couldn’t help it. Her tears always managed to break him, regardless of the reason. The only time he couldn’t say that applied was when she glanced up at him, eyes shiny with tears after the birth of their twins. That time, and likely only that time, Keiran would admit to having gotten a bit on the teary side as well.

It was unfair, obviously, to claim that he was giving up everything or more than he should have been asked to. In giving up something he disliked, he was gaining two little ones he knew he might grow desperately attached to, and was having his wife returned to him. Although it would be scare in the beginning, Keiran couldn’t see himself turning Millie or the twins away – especially not now when he had determined so seriously to cling to them.

It wasn’t until Millie tugged the covers over them and settled against him that Keiran found his voice. “As long as you don’t grow tired of me, I’ll never leave. You’re my forever, Missie.”

Clichéd though it was, Keiran couldn’t think of other way to put it without coming off as insincere. He had never been sure he would find someone that could make him say something like that – no matter how many women he and Robin ran into, neither man seemed willing to commit until now. These blondes had really done them in, he mused with a tired smile. His fingers threaded through her hair several times before wrapping it around her and pulling the sheet up to Millie’s chin to ward off the Greek nighttime chill.