I'm proud of myself, but also angry with myself.
I was writing out Avery's dialogue for when she tells Robin about her past, so that I could return to it later and make edits and add action to go with it. But as I did so, I realized that I hardly knew her at all. Have you ever had that character that you're so sure you understand, but then you write something or they experience something that uncoveres them so much that you realize you were completely blind? Because what I wrote physically hurts me.
I don't think I wrote myself into her on purpose, but sometimes I think characters and feelings have a mind of their own. Parts of her story, I've discovered, come from my own. The darker parts of mine, mind you. So I found myself actually crying as I wrote it. I think I'm proud of myself for
A. Writing it down at all
And
B. Being able to pull such emotion from myself.
I almost never cry at anything, because it's embarrassing, even if no one is around. It hurts and it makes my eyes all red, and I hate it. But when writing can make me cry, I actually love it. It means that I actually let my guard down enough for the tears to form and I didn't stop them. My writing has never done that for myself or anyone else before. So maybe that's a good sign?
They always say to write about what you know. Well I realized how much I limited Avery by failing to look into her past enough to understand her. Whether or not my choices were subconsciously intentional, I'm angry with how long I let myself go before I questioned her actions. Before I wondered about myself. Some of my fears and pain have become hers, and I suddenly ache to think that I've wasted so much time. Now I'm going to end up using her to work through my own issues, or something, and it's going to tick me off. I never wanted a character like me, but I wouldn't change her for the world. I can't, now that I've discovered her.
I'm almost afraid of posting the story now. For fear of both ruining how she was with Robin due to her reaction to telling it, as well as worrying that it will be painful to post. I really should post it, if only to confront those parts that hurt the most. And because a writer should never be afraid to share their work. I used to think I was the exception to that rule; I usually refuse to let anyone see my writing. But now I found you lot and most of you will never see this and never read the post once it's up. You'll probably forget it by then. But at least that's one fear I can get over.
I sound crazy, talking about a character like she's sitting next to me. But it's 5:30 in the morning, my wisdom teeth hate me, my writing hurts, and I'm not sure I'll be getting any sleep. So at this point, crazy makes more sense than you might expect.
by Robin Ivanov Sun Jan 05, 2014 1:19 pm
