Regret

Jack sat on a bench in this garden, this garden full of torture and nightmare and guild and shame and anguish... Jack was wavering slightly, a bottle of wine in one of her hands. She held it on her legs, both hands on the neck, tipped back so she could stare at the label on the wine. She thought that maybe if she stared long enough the only thing that would matter would be that label.

If only.

She lifted the bottle to her lips and threw her head back, guzzling downt he wine in an unhealthy matter. She pulled the bottle away and set it down on the bench, sighing, her throat burning. She wiped her mouth, wavering again as her mind tried to combat what the alcohol wanted to do to her, but she did have a strong will. Yes, she was grtting quite drunk, but not in the way she wanted too. She had wanted to forget, not wanted the pain to intensify.

Her hand fastened around the round, gold pocket watch that had been resting on her knee. Her palm dug into the edges of the watch painfully as she stared stright ahead. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Hapy brithday you foolish moron. Happy birthday to you," she sang it loudly, before whispering, "Happy birthday, Jack. Is this what you wanted?"

She was stupid. She had been petty. She woke up this morning, sent owls to Chase and Ari, inviting them for a day out in Hogsmeade, content with letting them assume July 11th was nothing important. She had thought nothing of the day, having arrived at Hogsmeade, happy and carefree- well, happy and carefree for Jack- thinking there was nothing going to happen.

She was stupid. She should have found Elliot, been more serious about finding him and making sure that he was actually okay. The Auror found her easy enough, explaining that he had been killed after being beaten for owing money. They found his watch, identified him, and she was the first to know. Then the Auror had left, just like that, left her to her own devices.

Great 18th birthday present.

She nicked a wine from a bar, too distressed to realize it was stealing as she summoned it with Accio, before stumbling off to the place where she went to feel terrible about herself, the Garden of Solace. She took another swig of wine, feeling nothing inside. It was as if she were a shell, full of senstive feelings and if one hurt, it sent shocks through her skin. But there was nothing underneath. Jack was slowly losing the ability to feel. Or maybe, she was losing the ability to be strong.

Thaor had been lurking around Albus Dumbledore's grave for several hours when he decided to head to Hogsmeade, if people 'sighted' him, it would be fine. He would reveal to the world he was still alive at the Graduation in the Ministry in a few short days anyways. He walked down the path from the school gates into the small Wizzarding town. There weren't very many people out and about. But one person caught his attention, he noticed her hair in the Garden. That was firey red hair he would never forget. Jack. She was drinking. Thaor observed as she stole a bottle of wine, and approached from behind her. You know, stealing is frowned upon. Thaor said as he came around to her front side. Protego Totalum Thaor cast, just in case Jack got upset, which he knew she would.

Jack twirled her foot in the dirt, creating swirls as she brought the bottle back to her lips. She almost dared someone to tell her she did not have a right to drink. She was a monster, she had poltergeist drama, she was pretty much homeless, she had witnessed a death, she was suspected for murder, and now the last of her family was gone. She swallowed another gulp and set the bottle onto the bench with a clatter.

She felt like she was drowning but the only person capable of dragging her out was.. herself. She was everyone' guardian angel- an orthodox one, yes, but she stayed back in the shadows, guiding them along, holding back trouble, and, when necessary, flinging herself in front of them to make sure they survived. So who did the leave to puller up when she was being trampled?

She had to be her own lifeboat, apparently.

She heard a voice behind her, an oddly familiar one that chilled her bones, but she did not register that until she had begun to say, "Yeah, well lettem frown-" she turned around to see nothing, only the trees behind her. that's when the familiarity of the voice struck her and she felt an eerie feeling wash over her. She turned back around, to see Thaor Elldir in front of her.

"Holy sh!t!" she exclaimed, falling over backwards, off of the bench, landing painfully in the dirt, though that fazed her little- if she could deal with being stabbed twice in one night, she could deal with falling. What she could not deal with iwas seeing the man that was supposed to be dead, the man that she had screwed herself over for, the man who had wanted to kill himself and ultimately done so by accident standing in front of her.

It could not be Thaor. It was a trick. She reacted without thought, yanking her wand out of her pocket and saying, "Stupefy!" not bothering to pick herself up yet. The spell bounced off a shield and she felt her eyes widen. "What the hell is going on!?"

Thaor watched as Jack stumbled around. How drunk is she? he asked himself. He didn't even flinch when she shot a spell at him and it hit his shield. Muffliato he cast, so no one outside of the area could hear them. Jack, it's really me. I needed to tell you, I'm still alive. I had to fake my death for..hard to explain reasons. I was never going to kill myself, but you came at a bad time. Thaor said, lying about the suicide part. He sat down on the bench and motioned for her to join him. Now lets discuss this training. he continued with a smile.

Jack stared up at Thaor, acting so calm. Typically, that would be the way she would act about something like this- she had acted calmer when threatened with death by Vito after all- but she had seen him DIE.. and she had quite a bit of Firewhiskey in her and it had been a bad month or so for her.. So yes, it was understandable that she was a little freaked out.

She ran a hand through her head. "What the f*ck, man?" she said. "I.. I've been hunted down! Everyone thinks I killed you! I.. I had.." She would not admit she had nightmares.. It was the added horror of ther battle, her failure, his death, everything with Vito. It was a surprise she got out of bed in the morning.

He started some bs about never meaning to commit suicide. Jack did not know what it was about her, but she could tell things. When someone was in real pain.. she just knew it. She shook her head and said, "Don't lie to me Thaor. You'be been lying to me for a month and I won't take any bullsh!t. I'm sick of people lying to me." He patted the seat next to him, but she stayed where she was, staring up at him, waiting for the truth.

You can obviously hold your own, and Michael made sure nothing happened to you. Thaor replied to her. Thaor stared into her eyes. All emotion drained from his face, his eyes, his body language. He was not sad, nor happy, but content. When she remained on the ground, he didn't say a word. But he finally spoke up when she talked about being lied to. I've done my job here, which was to let you know I'm alive so you don't have a break down at graduation. I'll see you later. He said with a slight smile. He stood and turned on the spot. Disapparating. Appearing moments later outside Elldir's wands.

She stared after he apparated and felt.. cheated. She should have been allowed to scream at him. She should have been allowed to be angry. She should have at least gotten the chance to figure out why he had done it, what he had been doing since. She should have gotten a chance to explain to him the story she had given everyone so he could stick to it.

But when had Elldir ever given a sh!t about what Jack deserved? When had anyone really? It might have been the alcohol or the terrible month, but she was a little cynical right now. She slowly picked herself off the ground, sliding onto the bench again, remaining tense as though she expected him to reappear. She waited a second and nothing happened. She sigh, her shoulders relaxing, and then grabbed the wine.

Chase watched in the background, her friend sitting on the bench with firewhiskey in her hand. So this was what Jack was like behind closed doors. THIS was the Jack Chase so desperately wanted to help.. to heal... to show that she didn't have to be alone.. Chase was debating though.. should she go over there? Announce her presence? Cough to get her attention? But just as she was about to take a step forward, someone completely unexpected appeared in front of her... Deputy Headmaster Elldir, the man Jack supposedly killed, Chase had read all about it.. known that Jack was actually WANTED (Helped to be in love with an auror). Chase watched in astonishment as Jack tried to curse the man, but before anything big happened, he was gone, and Jack was left to pick herself up, and sit back down, bottle still in her hand.

Chase glanced down at her cigarette. She had told Calvin she would stop.. but come on.. these things took time. She had started up pretty soon after Katie's birth... soo... she stood there, in Hogsmeade, watching her friend, a cigarette sticking out from between two fingers. As Jack sat back down on the bench, Chase took a quick look around, and very carefully moved into the garden, and moving right over next to Jack on the bench. "May I?" She asked, gesturing towards the bottle, before picking it up and taking a swig, setting it back down and feeling the comfortable burn down her throat and into her stomach, making her feel full and warm. She didn't say anything for a long moment, hoping Jack would get used to her presence for a moment. It wasn't often Chase acted in such a way.. smoking her cigarette, taking a swig from Jack's drink... Chase was normally a lot different around Jack.. but it was painfully obvious just how little they really knew each other.

"Jack..." She said finally, exhaling a cloud of smoke, before turning to look at her friend. "You didn't kill Elldir.... I knew you didn't.. and people didn't believe me.. but I said it.. and I was right.." She said, unable to bring herself to smile, looking at her friend miserably. Why didn't Jack ever let Chase help her up? Why did Jack feel like she needed to be alone all the time.. if only she would let Chase in.. Chase could do it.. she could show her friend that she didn't NEED to be alone.. she needed to trust her, and let her be the friend she had wanted to be.. and failed miserably at..

Jack drank in silence for a little while, content to let the alcohol take over her bloodstream, making her feel heavy while her head remained light. It was a weird feeling, one that Jack had become accustomed and familiar with, almost favoring the feeling after all the times it had rescued her from all her problems- usually getting drunk with Vito.. and then with Ari at Christmas.. Funny, the times she had been with men who she had before hated when she was drunk, seemed to be the times that turned things around. She set down the bottle and sighed.

She heard another voice, one she recognized but still made her alcohol drenched heart squeeze in surprise, though she still managed to keep her calm and not leap out of her seat. Chase asked her for some of the alcohol. "It's a free.. no, not really. But go ahead." She scunched her nose as the cigarette smoke hit her nose. Still reminded her too much of her mother.

Chase took a swig of the wine.. the wine Jack had stolen because it was the wine that she had always drank with Vito. It always seemed to work wonders. Wasn't doing much for her now, though. It was too much, too much in too short of a time period, or perhaps on to endless of a time. She had not really gotten a break since last summer.

Jack chewed on her lip at Chase's words, trying to decode, first, what they meant and then, second, what emotions hid behind her words. Was it surprise? Disbelief? Frustration? Pain? Maybe.. a mixture of all of them- Jack could not tell with all the clouding in her mind. Jack sighed, knowing the conversation would lead to lies, because Jack could not tell the truth.

"Yeah, well, it's a small price, I guess," she said, unable to control the honesty in the words. "I can't be mad, I guess. Glad he's alive." She realized this was a little out of character, since Jack and Thaor had never gotten along. "Y'know, now, I'm free to not.. y'know.. hide.. And I don't have to worry about Death Eaters trying to get back at me anymore, so.." She shrugged and kind of chimed, "It's all good," in a weak, fake cheery voice, before quickly swigging more wine.

Right as Thaor appeared outside Elldir's wands, his conscience hit him. He couldn't just leave her alone, drunk, depressed, and hurt. She had helped him remain alive, and it got her into a world of trouble. She didn't have a place to call home, a place for a warm bed, and hot shower, or meals. She could come to his place, he could teach her all she needs to know about Magical Creatures.

Finally making up his mind, Thaor sighed and apparated back into the garden. Right when he appeared his heart stopped. She was no longer alone. Chase Moor was with her. He was about to disapparate once more when it hit him, she already knew.

Well, now this is just awkward. Thaor said, trying to break the silence.