Desperate for Forgiveness

Jack stood in the Garden of Solace quietly, her piercing green eyes traveling slowly over the intricately designed gasebo. She had her arms folded behind her back, her left hand gripped tightly in her right, as she stood in the quiet garden. Birds chirped from the surrounding forest but all of the protective spells seemed to muffle all the noises from the outside world, leaving Jack alone with her thoughts.

Those who had died had died because of her. Candice Bowls, 16 years old. Garrett Conolly, 11. Thaorson Kam Elldir, 59. Ben Fisher, 12. Marki Gordon, 15. Marla Higgins, 21. Skeeter Hudson, 24. Simon McLaggen, 16. Lisa Stills, 13. Kaily Volkov, 14. Missing in Action, Dexter Carrigan, 17. The names haunted her, would not leave her mind. The battle had been called on by her. Their deaths were her responsibility.

She felt disgusting. She felt like she was intruding in the place of remembrance. She felt as though the blood of all those who had died were shining brightly on her hands, the trees were pointing accusing branches towards her, the wind was no longer a mere whisper, because she could hear the word Murderer being called after her. She could never escape this blame.

She closed her eyes. If only she had been able to save Thaor, or Chase earlier. Maybe she would not feel like she was such a failure, such a cursed, terrible person. Misfortune seemed to follow her and seemed to infect the people around her. That was why she refused to let herself move in with anyone, lest something terrible happen to them. She would risk misfortune on the owners of the Leaky Cauldron before she would risk her friends.

That reoccuring thought popped into her head. Would it be better if she just packed up and left- disappeared from this place, left the country. Then everyone could move on with their lives. She also knew she would be leaving a mess behind her.. And she was too selfish to leave them all. Michael, Keith, James. She would even miss Vito. She could not leave Chase. And she could not face a world where she didn't get to see Ari.. Instead, she closed her eyes, pretending to be an innocent witness of remembrance.. Rather than a murderer.

Chase knew that Jack would be here... Reid had mentioned something about this place, and Chase had managed to convince them to let her go here alone. So she stood in the garden, having to lean against things often, having to sit down more then that. She even had a special cane she used, to lean on a bit in case she got to tired. Calvin had made sure she was prepared, that's for sure. Chase came into the garden, and immediately, she saw who she wanted to talk to. Jack Dyllan... her friend, her savior.. she was totally in debt to Jack, and she knew that had it not been for Jack.. she would have died. Chase carefully, walked over to Jack, and stood beside her. "Hey Jack.." She said softly, coming to a stop beside Jack, and leaning on the cane slightly. It was more like a large stick, with a ball on the top that she held onto, and leaned against.

"Reid told me you might be here..." She said softly, and smiled at her. "I haven't gotten to see you.. for quite a while." She said smiling at her friend. "They tell me you stop by.. but I'm always sleeping.. sorry." She said softly, looking around her. "I haven't visited this place either.. It's nice.. very peaceful." she said leaning on her cane, and looking back at Jack again. "What have you been doing Jack? I heard you come over quite often.." She said, grinning at her friend again, and running a hand through her short, choppy hair. Chase was looking better these days. She had gotten some color back into her cheeks, so she wasn't so pale, her wounds were well cleaned and healed up to the best they could. Her biggest wound right now, was her eye. It had healed to a point of looking relatively normal, but she couldn't quite see out of it. Which was an improvement, because before, she hadn't been able to see out of it at all. Chase had refused to regrow her hair, preferring to let it grow back in on it's own. "I never got to thank you Jack.." She said softly, gripping her cane, and staring straight ahead.

Jack was so out of it. It used to be that no one could ever take her by surprise and when they did they could not incite any reaction out of her. But when Chase's voice suddenly reached her words, there was an electric shock that was sent through her body. All of her sense jolted and she gritted her teeth, her eyelods closing. She was not upset to see Chase, but her sudden appearance completely threw Jack off.

She opened her eyes and expelled a slow breath. "Hello, Chase." She turned to look at her, offering her a small smile. "You're healing," she commented. She still saw flashes of the way Chase had looked when Jack had found that, and that vision terrified her.. If she had not found Chase.. She already hated herself for not finding her sooner.

"Yeah, I've dropped by once or twice." Maybe three times or four.. Or a dozen. She could not help but worry, because if anything happened to her.. She nodded, rubbing the back of her head, "Uh, this is actually my fourth time here," Jack said, clearing her throat awkwardly. Each time was more torturous than the last, but she could not keep herself from returning, begging for the forgiveness she did not deserve and could not grant herself. "I've been.. uh, hang- hanging out." She shrugged. Chase continued on and Jack shook her head, "Don't. I didn't do anything anyone else wouldn't do."

Chase frowned at the large reaction from Jack. But she smiled slightly at her. "Yes... I'm almost healed up completely.." She said smiling at her, and watching her carefully. There was something not right with this... Jack was to.. jumpy... Chase had never seen her so jumpy before! It was unnatural. But it didn't matter, Jack smiled at her, and she smiled back widely. "I've missed you! I'm glad to see you survived the attack on the school.. I wasn't there.. maybe I should have been.. but I wasn't." She said shaking her head. "I've been through one.. I don't need another." She said with a small grin, shaking her head. When Jack told her don't, she stopped and looked at her.

"No... I do need to thank you Jack... obviously not everyone would have saved me... the people there... they thought I was a ghost.. and you.. you saved me Jack... Thank you.." She said, and looked away again, unsure of what else to do. "I'm sorry I fought you.. that.. that night.. I was so scared.. and.. Barker, his biggest weapon isn't breaking your body, it's messing with your mind.. he made me think.. made me afraid, afraid of you.. afraid of everyone, he made me think that you hated me.. and would never find me.. never save me.. and I'm sorry I fought you.. did I hurt you?" She asked turning to look at Jack with a small smile. "Luckily he didn't know about Calvin and Reid.. and it took quite a bit of... convincing to let me see you.. because I was... still afraid. "She said looking down at her feet.

"I'm sorry, I talk to much... I really do.. I just wanted to say thank you.. and.. catch up?" She said, and spotted a bench nearby. "Wanna sit down?" She asked, softly, looking at Jack carefully, half comparing haircuts, even though Jack's was a bit more even, less jagged, and more natural looking then Chase's chopped up hair, that was still uneven.

"That's good," she began absentmindedly, not really processing until a moment later. "No, that's really good, Chase. I'm glad because I was worried." She nodded slowly, because it was true. Jack smiled a small smile, an actualy genuine one this time. "I really have missed you too." This was true too. Chase's presence in her life meant normalcy. She missed both dearly.

Jack shook her head, "No, please don't thank me," her voice was almost pained, because she did not want Chase to thank her.. Not when she should have hated her, Jack still could not believe Chase had allowed herself to forgive her, the person who had sided with the man who had killed her family and tried to kill her as well. That's not what afriend did.. That's not what anyone did. Not anyone decent anyway. "Don't apologize, it's understandable. I've read about Barker.. I understand, and even if you had hated me and been afraid.. I'd understand that too," these last words were as earnest as anything she had ever said. Jack almost hoped Chase would hate her. She could understand that hate.. Hate for a good reason. She could not understand care without reason.

"You didn't hurt me," Jack said, before slowly raising her arms up and flexing. "Strong, remember?" she joked weakly. She nodded. "Sure. Let's sit." She went and sat down at the bench, dropping her knapsack of the usual stuff, though it also held money and food and some clothes.. Always just in case.

Chase smiled at Jack, and shrugged. "Yeah.. It took a bit to stand up on my own.. but.. as you can see, I'm getting there." She said smiling at her, and gesturing to the cane weakly with her free hand. She smiled largely when Jack said she missed her too, and she looked around again. "It has been a while... since we were able to see each other.. did you ever get to go to that Ministry of Magic concert?" She asked, glancing at Jack, smiling at her. It had been a long time, but she was pretty sure the concert had been a while ago. "Or has that not happened yet?" She asked smiling at her again. But Jack sounded so.. pained.. why couldn't Jack thank her? Thank her for saving her life!

She bit her lip and looked at Jack. "I couldn't hate you..." She said softly, looking at her carefully. "I thought I did... because of what he said.. but... I know now.. I can't hate you Jack.." she said softly, biting her lip, and moving over to the bench that they had agreed to sit on. She sat down and shook her head. "I can't hate you Jack... There isn't a reason too.." She said smiling at Jack and shaking her head. "I was just so.. afraid, because of what he did.. so.. I am sorry.. for that... for being so.. difficult.." She said softly, looking down, gripping the cane weakly. "Do you still... have Nessie?" She asked smiling at Jack and looking over at her, a small weak smile on her face.

Jack remembered with a small pang in her heart the Ministry of Magic concert. Yes she did remember it.. She had gotten caught up.. Actually, that had been the time she had been attacked by the werewolf and that man Collins. She was in the hospital wing most of the day and she was supposed to stay there, but her favorite band.. She had gotten there in time to slip inside and hear the last song.. battered and bruised and with a broken rib and terrible eyesight.. but she had heard a song.

Only Khaat, Michael, and Vito knew of that night. Jack did not want sympathy or concern. She just wanted to go about her way causing minimal psychological damage to herself and others. So she smiled and said, "Yeah, I did! It was amazing!" She nodded eagerly, surprised at how convincing of a performance she could give.

Chase continued on and Jack tore her eyes away, staring at her hands that rested on her knees, on her shaking legs- Jack's legs shook when she was restless and frustrated.. She could understand what Chase said she supposed, seeing as Jack could not hate Vito but that was.. there was something different there. Something neither could control. Jack didn't agree but she just said, "Mmm." She cleared her throat. "Yeah I do." She smiled slighty. "So.. how've you been.. besides.. that?"

Chase grinned happily, and looked at Jack. "I'm happy! I listened to a few of their things lately, I really like them.. I can't believe I hadn't heard them before." She said smiling at Jack and looking around the gardens. Chase stared around, unsure of what to say anymore. Jack didn't want her to like her.. or something, sure there were things that she shouldn't like about her, but Chase had never been to angry with Jack.. more with Vito. Sure she had been.. hurt, when Jack had chosen Vito, but that didn't make Chase hate Jack.. it was Sterling all over again, she hoped that Jack wouldn't try and force her to hate her.. she couldn't do it. Even now.. when she said she hated Elijah.. she didn't.. she just was angry at him.

"How have I been? Better... A lot better actually." She said smiling at Jack. "Well... I should tell you, before anything else really happens...Me and Calvin.. we... I'm not sure what we are!" She said putting her face in her hands, before looking up at Jack. "Well.. Jack... I feel... weird.." She said looking up at the sky. "I mean... Calvin and I... I hate myself for this.. but I think... we like each other.. I mean.." Chase leaned her head back, staring up at the sky. "It JUST happened.. like... really, these last few days... we kissed Jack... and..." She shook her head. "And he fainted... and.. I just don't know, I don't feel as though, I should.. But.. It's so hard to describe!!" She sighed, and looked at Jack, confused for a moment, hoping she would understand why she was telling her this..

Jack shrugged, commenting at her words with, "Few people know who they are. Makes them more exclusive." She forced another grin- she missed out on backstage with them too. She just remembered that.. Oh, how much that hurt. To have that taken away. She was getting used to it though. She had given up her ambitions to play pro Quidditch, might as well give up all her dreams, right?

Jack began to get nervous as Chase began- sure, Chase had said she was getting better and all, but the way she was speaking, so reluctant to actually get to the point.. Jack had to wonder what she could be so relucatant and hesistant to say. Surely, it had to be bad to make her so nervous. Jack felt herself get on edge about it...

And then Chase said it and for a second she was shicked- Calvin, crying over boo boos Calvin? And then Chase said he had fainted and Jack spluttered into laughter, disrupting the peace with her laughter." "I'm sorry, Chase, that's just hilarious. I was worried, and- that's amazing! I'm glad. You both need someone good in your lives." She calmed down for the last two sentences, still snickering under her breath.

Chase looked at Jack, and nodded. "I like them a lot though, very well made songs.. " Chase smiled at her, and then sighed. "I almost wish I could have gone to that concert with you, it would have been a blast." She said smiling at her, and running her hand over a scar on her cheek, not really thinking about it as she did. But she had much bigger things on her mind then the Ministry of Magic.. Calvin S. Ransom included in these thoughts. These wonderful.. heart warming, sweaty palm inducing thoughts, that made her want to jump up and tell him everything that was on her mind, but she was to afraid, and then she heard something that she hadn't heard.. in a long time.. or had she ever heard it? But Chase nearly jumped at the shock of the sound.. Jack.. was laughing?

Chase stared at Jack, and then felt herself laugh also. She shook her head and hit Jack lightly on the arm. "Don't laugh at him! He forgot to breathe! It wasn't like... we haven't made that mistake.. once in our lives.. I mean.. he just.. I don't even know if he knew how to.. or had.. and.. Merlin.. he was unconscious for ten minutes Jack! I thought I had killed him! I thought he was dead.. seriously.. I sat on the floor for TEN MINUTES... and I just didn't know what to do! He had fainted.. because I kissed him... and... wow.. it's so weird! He's just.. so young acting.. but really.. he's so much older in there... so much more.. mature then any of us combined! I mean.. look what he did!" Chase said, and without waiting, pulled up her shirt, so reveal some thin scars, that were completely healed. "A few days ago.. those were open and bleeding, I couldn't move... in case they reopened! And.. he was so gentle.. and held my hand.. and... Jack.. he made me feel special.. totally, and completely special.." She said, dreamily, putting her hand on Jack's arm, before removing it hastily. She knew Jack had a thing with personal space.

Chase stared ahead for a moment, and then sighed. "But.. it's just.. so soon, after Elijah.. and so... I feel like a slut! Like a horrid.. slut.. and I just.. I can't Jack! Everyone I've ever lo...liked... they end up hurt.. and I CAN'T DO THAT to Calvin! I can't hurt him Jack..." She said turning to stare at Jack. "You say we need someone good to be with? I'm not good! I've never been good! I mean.. Look what I did to you! Look at where we are! Look at how you act.. I did horrid things to you! And it's all my fault! I didn't mean to... but nothing ever goes right to the ones I want to protect.. I tried to protect my family.. I tried to protect everyone.. and it all ends up in sh*t.. what happens when the same thing happens to Calvin? What happens when I break his heart Jack? What happens.. when I can't look at him.. without seeing what I see with you.. how I let you down.. how I hurt you.." Chase said, not even realizing how much she said.. she didn't even begin to think about how much of her feelings towards Jack had come out in this passionate speech. About the real emotions behind what she and Jack had been through. All of it came out in one long, passionate speech, that ended up with Chase burying her face in her hands.