Finding Femininity

"Part of me knows that, Jack," she said, "If for no other reason than my work as a healer. I see it in other women. And I know its a psychological thing. I'd like to just shove it out of my head so it wouldn't be there anymore."

"Dear," Kate asked her. "Is there anything that you haven't told us? Something you've kept back from us?"

"No," she said softly. "Nothing."

"And you havent' hidden your feelings, have you?"

"No. Except how much I wish I didn't have any of those feelings."

"Well, I think thats understandable. But your estate is huge. And there are loads of empty rooms. Couldn't you just hold up in a different room if you wanted to be alone? What is this all about?"

"I just want to get my head straight, thats' all. I want to go back to being who I was before I had to go everywhere with a huge entourage of bodyguards. Before I started jumping at every noise I hear. Is that so bad?"

"No, of course not. Can we compromise?"

"How?"

"Let someone stay with you? Maybe getting out of the house for a couple days would do you good. Maybe this isn't so bad, really."

"Like who?" she frowned.

"Well, I know a certain young auror and healer who would jump at the chance to spend a night or two in this beautiful hotel with the only woman he has eyes for. You need to do some work at not shutting him out right now, Khaat, as tempting as it might be to do otherwise. The more you practice letting him into all of it right now while its at its hardest, the quicker the hard days will quit."

"Do you honestly believe that? Or that he'd come? Really? And what about the girls?"

Jack stood up and paced " the girls are fine there with jess happy and un aware you left and i think he would come hes going nuts with out you, it took kate asking him to stay to stop him coming now khaat " Jack paced now back and forth on the carpet in the room he hated sitting for too long as he felt it gave eny enimies a chance to catch him off guard he moved to the window and opened it slightly for fresh air to cool him down. He smelt the city air all the smells filied him and he cosed his eyes closing them out of his mind fucuing on the subtl scent of mountain air that drifted from who knows where.

"Jack? Can I ask you? What would you think--what would you want--if it had been Jess? I know she had her share of trouble too, but what if...what if it had been all this? Wouldn't it just be easier to walk away from her? From all of it?" she asked. She really wanted to know what Jack's opinion was. She didn't see Jack leaving Jess, not for this, not for anything else. And she didn't really believe Brian wanted to be separated from her either. But neither did she want to be nothing more than a mere liability for him. Khaat was a strong woman. She always had been. And her father had reassured her that this confusion and pain was very normal, given the circumstances. He promised her that she needed to just give herself a bit of time and that it didn't weaken her to be hurting right now. She was trying to remember that.

Jack faced them and looked at Khaat and Khaat "I have been threw this, remember jess was taken that first time and i was left with Andrew an new born babby, every night i would sit and look out willing her to come home and slowly dieing a little from asking my self why and had I don't somethig to drive her away , it take a strong person to face there demonds that one who runs away from them " he said softly" don't put Brian threw that it kills part of you inside, I know, i know " he said it again softly as he turned to face out the window again " even when she broke down it killed me to see that vacant look in her eyes it was like how she looked when I found her that day in the three broomsticks in front of the fire."

"You really don't get it, do you?" she scowled. "I'm not running from anything. Everywhere I go, I take it with me. Its not like I can escape that." She was angry now. "Nobody deserves to have to walk this with me. Beatings? Kidnappings? Repeated attacks on my life? Look at my life in the past year. I"m not trying to sell Jess short, but her time away from you didn't last a year. Look at how many women I've tried to add to my staf who weren't strong enough to stay the course. There's been three and all three have found it was too much to handle. I'm just saying that perhaps Brian needs to take care of the kids for awhile until I can settle this once and for all."

Kate did not reply. She knew Robert had told Khaat specifically she was not to go looking for Burke or Gelding. Robert firmly believed that it was far too dangerous for any one person to do alone. And she wasn't sure whether Khaat was referring, at the moment, to just simply learning to cope with her own emotions, or whether she was actually planning on going after Burke and Gelding. For the moment, Kate decided just to listen to the conversation between Jack and Khaat to see where it led.

Jack looked at her again and grew angry at her as he moved to face her. " she might not have been gone long but what he did to her, she still won't tell me about some things he did to her even now , locked in a darkened room for months, tortured and subjected to humiliation only to find she was pregnat buy him when she espcaped , yes the twins. then she broke down totaly, her mind colapsed in on its self when she felt your pain and fears just as if they were her own come back to haunt her again, along with the fear she could not help you for fear of her own weaknesses and memories become out in the open" his eyes flashed at her " shes a strong woman now, stronger than she was , she came back for me and her children, she didn't turn her back on things just for the sake of it, she met it head on and over came it." he moved away from her looking at kate hoping she would understand.

Khaat didn't reply. There was nothing more to say. Jack didn't get it either. Nobody did. She didn't reply for several minutes. She could feel the tension building in the room.

"Go home," she told them coldly. "I bought this room for the next few days, I paid for it honestly. I am a grown up--I'm allowed to do that. If it helps, you're all relieved of your responsibilities babysitting me until I decide to come back. I think I can manage for a few days."

"Khaat," Kate began softly. "You really are not alone in this. I know it feels that way. You do not have to try to be so brave. Regardless of how we're coming across to you right now, that's the reason we came. This was not your fault, and its not up to you to fix."

"Tell Daddy to call off all his goons, would you?" she asked her mother.

"I'll tell him," she said. "Promise me not to run?"

"I"m not running! I have no place else to go but a hotel if I want time alone, unless I go to Tuscany! And if I do that, then I am running! I just went across town! I am also not broke--I have money. I didn't rent a filthy bottom bin hotel room...."

"No, you certainly did not," Kate agreed. "Its gorgeous."

"Then what's the problem? Was I naughty?"

"Khaat," Kate smiled. "You know better." Kate could feel Khaat's anger now. She was entitled to be angry, and Kate would rather her release her anger than to keep it bottled up. As ugly as it looked, it was not a bad thing. Robert had tried to get her to get angry about it, and at the time, Khaat had not had it in her to do. Not yet. Kate knew she had a right to be angry and needed to voice it. She had no intention of stifling it.

Jack growled at her as she spoke harshly to Kate he was nobodys goon he did this because he wanted to know she would return but now she was being plain stuborn over this . he walked to the window again trying to give them space " Khaat ,I'm nobodys goon " he said to her brfore turning back to the window feeling the cool breeze against his face again thinking of jess .

"I wasn't talking about you!" she snapped at Jack. "If I had thought you were a goon, I'd have told you so! For your information, I was talking about all the men Daddy used to trace me. Yes, my father does have goons working for him, and no doubt he used them to track me. How'd he do it this time?"

"He tracked your withdrawal and money exchange at Gringotts," Kate admitted quietly.

"THOSE are the goons I'm talking about! When my father wants something, he generally gets it! If I had intended to call you a name, I'd have at least had the dignity to have insulted you to your face, Jack. How dare you accuse me of calling you a name! You obviously don't know me anywhere near as well as you think you do. That hurts. I thought you knew me better than that."

"Khaat, I dont' think he meant to hurt you..." Kate began.

"I know exactly how he meant it. I am a seer. I haven't lost my powers yet," Khaat said.

Jack looked at her and frowned " Khaat, I thougbt I knew you, till you did all this, guess I was wrong , the Khaat I knew would never leave her children or the man she loved or eve her freids who care about her so much that they come looking for her. " he said looking right at ehr he could feel his anger rising but he growned his teeth ot supress it down he knew he could not lose his temper at her as it would start his transpohormation even with the potion he had taken. He looked at Kate hoping she of all people would understand what he was trying to do with her.