Oct 2023, Year 7
Deary Diary... thingy... whatever
Uhhh... Okay, I have no idea what to do for this. I was told this would help me cure my crazy or something, but I don't get what spilling my guts to an inanimate object is supposed to do. Matt says I should, and that if I can't talk to him, I should get everything out in the open to something. Besides, he'll get off my case if I do, so I'd better just do it. Not much of a choice really.
Look, there's nothing wrong with me. Really. I have had some difficulty with some friends and stuff. But I mean... I'm fine. I am okay. Really.
Ugh, what the hell am I supposed to say?! I'm not creative. Well, okay, I can be, but I don't... do feelings. They are just... ugh. I don't know. Maybe if you knew about me.......... A diary... knowing about me. Never mind. I have to do this. No matter how stupid it is...
Let's see. Focus. Um, okay. Things about me. I don't cry. Or get pushed around, or scared, or emotional. That's me. I've always been like that, forever, never anything different. But this summer... decided to screw with me or something.
Another thing about me is I don't really make friends... or whatever. I guess I sort of have that lone wolf thing about me. I don't know, I just... find people... stupid and pointless, you know? More trouble than they're worth. But I made a good friend towards the end of my sixth year. My Quidditch captain, Andrew. We flew around and stuff and became pretty cool.
Another thing about me... Or well, that used to be about me, was that I had right and wrong figured out. (Key word: had). There were bad people and there were good people, black and white, but luckily I had only really dealt with the latter. Then I joined Potter's Army, and I got pulled into this battle, trying to save the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. And I'm not gonna lie... I was excited. We were gonna kick butt, right? But we lost. And I ended up battling the most bloodthirsty death eater you can find. But as terrible as she was, I did not lose control. I got a scar but still... At this point, I still firmly believed there was good people, and there was bad people. No gray.
Okay, I'm gonna skip forward a bit. Y'know that thing about me not making friends? Well, I made another friend, the opposite of me in almost every single way. Girly, Hufflepuff, sensitive. Chase Moor. I have no idea how the hell we got along. We probably would not if I hadn't been hyped up on brownies and battling the Loch Ness monster... Sigh... Don't even ask. (Oh, right you're a book, YOU CAN'T! Grrr...) But we became friends. Good friends, actually.
Okay... Now going back...
I have had this weird little rivalry for some time now. Y'see, I know this poltergeist... Vito Dee Symons. Mean son of a... Well... We've always focused on pissing each other off. Messing with each other. We're both pranksters and, to an extent, assholes. So we get along in a weird way. Anyway, one day we were messing with each other and he thought it would be fun to dare me to go to his club. And I have this problem... I don't walk away from challenges... Another vice, I know.
So I ended up in his bar. He kept trying to get me to cozy up to him, because he knew it would irritate him, so I asked him personal questions, because it would irritate him. He was trying to get something out of me, I know it now, because he answered. And somehow he admitted things about himself. He told me that as a poltergeist he had no idea where his creator was. I felt bad for him and I expressed that. He freaked out because he had given me an honest answer and because I was “pitying” him or whatever and he stormed off. Being the idiot I am, I followed him. He was upstairs and I found him in his room...
He got mad at me and pushed me. I got scared... It was terrible. I'm not someone who gets frightened, but he was about to kill me, I thought. I asked him what he wanted me to say? What could I say, really? Sorry you opened up to me? And he lost control... His voice cracked when he yelled at me... That doesn't happen to him, in the way I don't get scared. He broke a mirror and went to fix his hand. When he came out I followed him back downstairs. He ended up telling me he had slipped alcohol into my water. I got mad and started yelling at him. He told me he would never be decent to me and asked why I acted so interested in him. And I told him... I wanted to know what could make him break down like a little child.
This wasn't my first mistake, but it was one of my stupidest. He grabbed me by the throat and told me... a lot. Things he had never told anyone else, I could tell. How he was created by hate, the hate of people filled with spite and anger. And how he had been consumed by those feelings. And how the result had been the deaths of all his creators. And how the feelings of hate he claimed I had for him was exactly what caused that...
He let me go and I left... but I had realized that I didn't hate him. I told him so and I left. (Though I promise you, it was much more dramatic than that.)
A while later, as luck would have it, I spotted him in London while I was buying some ice cream. I caught up to him and he asked me what I had meant that day. I gave him the only answer I knew. That it was his job to hate, not mine. That I was a hypocrite for standing against Death Eaters and then allowing myself to hate. To have feelings that caused the creation of people like Vito. I explained how it was just not something I thought I should do. No one else seems to understand, but it makes sense to me, and I think he understood, because... well...
I could see he was affected. But we both like to pretend nothing is wrong. So that was what we did. We continued on and went to a bar. He started to get rude and snide, making threats and whatnot. He said something about burning me with a cigarette and I told him that he needed to wake up and realize that the world really did not care if he was cool or not. I left.
Then I ran into Andrew and he told me that Vito had murdered Chase's family and... Look. You can't begin to understand how I felt. I... I had begun to discover something in Vito. Hope and the chance to change. But my friend. One of my two only friends. What was I supposed to do? Obviously I was supposed to hate Vito. But I had just decided I could not hate him. What was I supposed to do... What could I do? I felt as though I had been running at breakneck speed and a brick wall had been dropped in my path, and I was supposed to keep running...
Er, anyway. I decided one thing I could do was confront Vito. I made my way back to Satin's but when I got there... Vito was drinking, and he was drinking a lot. I swear, I thought he was trying to kill himself. I helped him upstairs to his room and he stretched out on his bed and I got him settled, hoping that I could get him to sleep it off and possibly salvage some of the reputation he treasured so much. He said something about missing me (well, my ugly face, anyway) and Satin's when he was gone. I asked him what he meant and he said that poltergeists only had so long. Then he held out an arm and told me to come over to him. He seemed so sad and so alone, and he promised not to touch me. So I laid down next to him.
I woke up the next morning to the sounds of him puking. Charming, right? I went and checked on him, asking how he was feeling. He blew up on me. I don't know why! Okay, so I do... But he started yelling at me, calling me a freak for trying to help him. He told me to leave and he said I was stupid to think I could get close to him. That I could help him. That he needed me. He told me no one needed me... He told me my worst fears, in short. He told me to stop following him around because I didn't trust anyone else. He went back into his room and I chased after him. I broke down, I cried.
I never... I don't cry, okay? I just don't... But... I don't know what happened to me. I became weak, useless, pathetic. I realized how disgusting I was being and I got angry. At him, for causing me to break down, at myself for being no better than a child... Then one of those whiny teenagers who complain and cry about everything. I was stupid. And I was pissed.
I yelled at him, asked him why he had to do that to me, to mess with me the way he did. He must have been upset because he went transparent and punched the wall next to my head. I'm sure he had intended to hit me, but for some reason, he had not. He broke his fingers and I examined them for him... It was weird the way we pretended nothing had happened as I looked over his hand. Obviously, it was incredibly awkward since I was fixing what he had broken trying to hurt me. He refused to let me heal it and I went to change. I heard an odd banging and I hurried out to see him collapsed against a wall, banging his head against it, completely broken down. I rushed over to him and put my hands on his shoulders, telling him to stop. I was so baffled. A minute ago, he had been in control of the situation. And he stared at me for a moment and just sort of... collapsed. He rested his head against mine and sort of just gave up. So I put my arms around him and told him it would be okay. Again... what else could I do? Vito, the big bad wolf, the the guy who had killed Chase's family, the one who was always trying to drive me insane, was giving up, near tears, in my arms.
Chase found me next, and she asked how I could even associate with Vito. Andrew must have told her. I tried to explain that he was changing, but I could not betray Vito's trust either, so I could not prove it to her. And it never sounded right. No matter how pure my intentions were, how do you explain to your closest friend why you were helping the man who had killed their entire family? She accused me of loving him and of not understanding what I was doing. In the end we just... separated. What else was there to do? I could never explain and I was not sure she wanted to understand.
I was so sure that I had done the right thing. Even if no one else understood then, someday they would. I had seen good in Vito and that was all I needed. That alone kept me going.
And then...I was walking in London one day and... I heard screams. I followed them and I... I saw Vito torturing Chase. He had pulled out a wand and was saying something. I jumped in between without thinking. It was the Cruciatus Curse. It still hit Chase, but I got most of it and... I've usually been able to keep myself from screaming but this time... I just couldn't.
He asked if I wanted to die. Told me to run along and he would see to me later. I told Chase to leave. He went over to Chase and started messing with her again, but I pulled him away and told him to stop. I gave him this look that I knew he would understand. That I had been good by not telling his secrets, and he was not convincing me to continue to do so. He yelled at me, telling me to leave and threatened to kill Chase, raising his wand. Chase was begging for us to leave, but how could we. We were teetering on the edge of that line we had never crossed. We knew that if one of us crossed it, it would be war or something, and neither of us thought that it would be very appealing to be against the person who harbored a surprising amount of knowledge on our inner workings. I stepped in front of his wand and told him that he could very well kill me. I looked at him the way I had in Satin's, when he had collapsed into my arms.
But you know that thing about never saying no to dares that I have. Yeah, well here's the problem. Vito and I share that.
He sent the curse my way, and I leapt out of the way (Chase was on the ground, out of range.) I hit the curb and I still have the scar to prove it. I sarcastically said he was a man now, and asked him if he felt better about himself. He stared at the blood on my face and then left, just like that.
Chase kept crying and apologizing, but I didn't hear any of it. I took her to St. Mungos and got myself patched up. Then I went and I hid out in my tree fort for a few days... just... hating myself. Every good thought that had kept me clinging to the possibility that he was not lost (and in turn, I was not lost) had been pulled out from under me. Something inside of me had been torn out. All my wirings were just gone. I couldn't smile, or joke, or prank. Jack was dead. And there was some stranger inside me, overseeing as I was put on autopilot.
I apologized to Andrew and Chase separately. Andrew and I fought. I ended up with my wand pointed in his face. My first real friend. And I was threatening him. And I felt... I felt like Vito. And when I apologized to Chase she started crying and apologizing... She ALWAYS cries! I don't understand it. And something in me snapped. Why the hell was she crying? She was right all along! She had proved me wrong! It was ME who had been stupid, who had to live with the shame and the guilt for the rest of their life. She had no right to cry! And WHY didn't she hate me!? I hated myself for it! She, of all people, should never want to see me again! It frustrated me that she did not hate me. And I was filled with hate...
That's when I realized that was why I got along with Vito. We were both denying self-hate and trying to pass it off as arrogance and a displeasure and distaste with the outside world. I knew what it was like to be him and that's why I was so desperate to help him. If there was hope for him, then there was hope for me.
Simply put, it freaked me out. I left Andrew and Chase in a weird state and I started bumming it out, refusing to go to any of my safe places, instead using unoccupied muggle homes or abandoned houses. I think I was hiding from...well, everyone and everything. After awhile I wandered into a bar. I only meant to drink one drink but I ended up getting drunk. Very, very, very drunk. And who would find me?
Vito, of course. Why? Because life hates me.
I flipped out on him, because I was so worried he wanted to taunt me and I knew I would disintegrate if he further humiliated me. I was so... Anyway. He teased me about drinking and I told him he had driven me to it. He started saying things, that I had challenged him to try and kill me, that all he wanted out of me was my reactions. I wasn't listening,, and what I did heard was so unfair, that I was just getting pissed off. I snapped. I demanded an answer. Why I deserved all his hate when I had only ever been guilty of caring. He said he hated me because I would not hate him. He said I was stupid to think I could change him.
And then... Then he told me that that day in London, Chase kicked him and he hit his head and he had a dream while he had been out of it. And he had seen me dead and...That it had made him sick. He said he had killed people and not even blinked, but the sight of me that way had been something he did not like. And I...
I believed in him again. To those who don't know or understand him, the admittance that he did not want to see me dead does not seem like something to feel all fuzzy inside over or whatever, but it was enough. Enough to re-inspire hope in the man I should have never put hope in at the beginning. And then he said... He said something like “drink up because you'll get what you wanted and you won't be seeing much more of me.”
And I was filled with sadness because... I mean, c'mon! He was basically saying that I wished he was dead. And I never had. For the record, I have never wished any was dead, but especially not him! And I do not think that anyone should feel like someone wanted them dead. And he did not wish me dead. Obviously, I didn't wish him dead. So I told him I had never wanted that.
He seemed to take that as a cue to leave. He called a car and helped me into it and to Satin's. I had told him that I had nowhere to go. I mean, it is not that I care what my family thinks or whatever, but why willingly walk into trouble? And Uncle Chip and my cousin Elliot would freak out and never let me out of the house... I would rather die. So Vito told me I could get a room at Satin's.
We got there and I couldn't make it up the stairs. He had been drinking too so we were both having trouble. So he carried me upstairs. And he gave me a room and I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I gradually remembered what had happened the night before and why I had been driven to drinking. That I was like him... So I told him. And at first he was just... sarcastic. Snide. Not receptive. But I was determined to make him understand this. I really needed to. And we just argued and argued and soon the arguments became secrets, secrets we were spilling at first to prove each other wrong, but... soon, we were just being honest, expressing fears. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like there was a place I was supposed to be. Talking to Vito, being insulted and ready to react. But it was so normal and so comfortable! Even admitting things I did not want anyone to know, let alone my rival, felt okay, felt nice. It's funny how I feel safest around the man who tried to kill me. Okay, so it's not funny. It's insane, right? But, what else can you expect from me? And he went to go eat, and I followed him. Just like it used to be.
The next time I saw him... any of them, all of them... was the summer party. And the first thing I saw... was my best friends kissing. Yep. Andrew and Chase were dating. Apparently. Not that I knew. I had spent all summer with both of them, and I had no inclination about them, about anything between them. I don't know what this proves; that they wronged me or that I was just completely stupid. Maybe neither. Probably both. Am I a little bitter... Um... Well, yeah. You bet I was a little bitter.
And then I ran into... You guessed it! Vito Dee Symons. We messed with each other, as usual, of course. And he dared me to dance... Again. Dares... me... Bad combination. So I danced with him and he informed me that Andrew had tried to burn down Satin's. I was pissed, and strangely worried about Satin's, until he told me it was fine. But then... he told me it was because Chase had shown up, dressed... She wanted to have sex with him. Maybe not at first, she later told me she was drunk, but she had gone there. After all the times she told me to sever ties with him, after all the risks I had gone through to secure that she could not be harmed by him, and she ignores all of that, gets herself drunk, and almost does things with the man that she had warned ME against. As if she even knew Vito... As if I did not know more than her about him. All summer, the only person I had truly had, the only person who had trusted me, who had been honest with me, had been Vito. She had Andrew all summer, she used me, and she still wanted Vito, too. Andrew and I weren't enough or something...
Two strikes. I was so upset. And then... she found me.
Andrew tried to tell me something after Vito and I had parted, and I could not even respond. I rejoined Vito and Andrew found us together. He began to cause problems and then Chase came over. One look at the betrayed expression on her face and all the anger in me towards her, and all the happiness in me that somehow had lasted that long, just... died. Shriveled. Fell apart. They began to argue, the three of them began to quarrel, and they were so close to dueling. And I just stood helpless in between them...
Another thing that USED to be about me... I was always in control. I did not need help. I never have. I'm the independent one. The strong one. The one people come to if they are in trouble, not the person who needs help.
And here I was. No better than a freaking infant. Again. I swear I was an inch away from legitimate insanity (a distance I'm sure I've probably cleared since then) and I was thinking there was no way it could get worse. That's when I realized, when it came to these three people, I would always be wrong...
The scary thing, the really worrying thing, was that the roles were reversed. Chase and Andrew were staring at me like I was disgusting, and Vito began to... defend me. In his own twisted way. They demanded I choose a side. Obviously, I could not. How do you make such a decision!? How could I be expected to do that? It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. Real friends would have known in that moment, I would have rather been tortured. I would have been happier if the three of them had pointed their wands at me and said Crucio.
That would have hurt a lot less.
And Vito began to say the things that I had began to think of them... That when it came to pushing me around, treating me like a pawn in a game of chess, easy to put in front of them as a shield. The kind and queen... He said... That he had thought it was only he who treated me terribly and then pulled me back as though I belonged to him... He was being sarcastic, but there was anger in his words, and it was the first time that evening someone had spoken about what was best for me. Andrew and Chase had wanted me for their own needs. Vito spoke nothing of his, only my own...
And I was forced to make a decision. To “choose”
And I chose Vito.
It would never make sense to any of them, I know. But who else could ensure that Andrew and Chase would not be hurt by Vito. Who else could help Vito. He was so close, he had come so far. To abandon him would destroy all progress. All chance, all hope. If I went with Chase and Andrew, I could not pretend that I would not resent them for pushing me around and using me and not even trusting me and then acting as though I was lucky to have them instead of Vito. At least he had been honest with me. At least I was not the spare with him.
He and I left. Went to Satin's. Drowned out my pain in alcohol. I think this time, I was justified. I don't care who will judge me for it or why I was stupid, but I was allowed to wallow for ONE FREAKING NIGHT. Just one. I had swallowed my pain and been a “good” kid for as long as I could have handled. I was allowed this one night. I was allowed to be comforted for one night. And no one is going to say otherwise.
Now I'm trying to justify my actions to a book. Great.
On the train, Andrew and Chase tried to be civil. I would not allow them to forgive me, because I had yet to forgive myself. I started talking to Elijah Krum, but I realized I had left my things in their compartment. I left and walked in on Chase, sobbing. Andrew had broken up with her.
I was so frustrated! Part of my reasoning had been that the two of them would watch out for each other while I watched over Vito. What more did they want from me?! Did I have to watch over Vito, Andrew, and Chase, all separately?! Why did they insist on making life difficult for all of us. And of course, fate wanted to throw in another fun little twist. Obviously, all we were missing was-
Vito? For once, no.
Demons.
Random? Yes. Insane? Yes. Story of my EFFING life? Of course.
I don't need all the details. They left, I protected Chase, and we began to do damage control. Next thing I know, Chase is sneaking off with Eli to drink and smoke. And I was frustrated. I had just spent an hour or so battling demons, slipping around in student, dealing with crying first years, and she was sneaking off. Hadn't she been sobbing over Andrew minutes before?
I said something I should not have had. Rumor told me, since Chase would not, that she and Eli became friends and a little more, and Andrew tried to fix things with her twice. Both times she said no, the second time she told him she had regretted getting with him. I was alone and upset. I broke down and met with them. I told them as much as I could... About my story...
Chase started crying and apologizing! AGAIN! She old her story, but we all knew that it just...was not okay. Andrew was too hurt, I felt like she did not trust me and I wasn't sure I could trust her. She decided Andrew and I could be friends, but she needed to stay away.
The next time I saw Chase.... She told me she was pregnant. With Eli Krum's child. I had no idea how she wanted me to react. So I just did. I got mad. I told her she was stupid and selfish. She was wronging Andrew and this child. And you'll never guess how she responded.
She. Started. Crying.
I flipped and told her to stop crying. It was and is not fair that she could start crying and earn pity and sympathy and people would forgive her because she was weak. I had always been strong, and I never earned anything but resentment and hate. I had always tried to do the right thing, never let myself put myself in situations that hurt my friends. And Chase got the sympathy.
She fought back... In the end, she pulled her wand on me, afraid I was going to hurt her. She looked at me like she had looked at Vito, that day in London. She had thought that I would hurt her, like Vito would. And that hurt me. She left.
And now... Well, now I'm alone. I'm in school, so I can't scamper off to Satin's to cause myself some trouble. I can't go and have an innocent game of Quidditch with Andrew because there is always the obvious absence of Chase. And I still cannot look her in the eye without feeling downright terrible. I'll never eat brownies with them again. Never try to tame a legendary crazy creature. In my classes, I'm alone. I fight the teachers. Have to choose between my future and my present. Right and wrong. Morals and intelligence. I go along with what the monsters here want me to, I become a hypocrite for what I stand for. I fight against it, and I'm a jerk that ruined the fun for everyone.
It has come to the point in my pointless, pathetic, trivial life that every single decision in my life is always a wrong one. I will never be right. I will always be alone. And no matter what I say, I'm not okay with that.
Although I do have to admit. I was right about one thing.
This was a stupid idea.
by 
