I Can't Stand the Silence

Jack paced around the tree by the lake, peering out across the lake to calm her nerves. She did not know why she was so worked up. She did not even get so worked up for Quidditch matches. She was usually calm, cool, and collected. And here she was, about to hyperventilate. She had to stop looking at the lake; she was going to jump in it if she kept looking at it. That thought was much too tempting for comfort.

She glanced towards the castle and checked herself. Stop, they'll come. But she could not lie to herself. She figured there was a pretty good chance they would not show up. Because, no matter how you looked at it, Jack started this whole mess by getting too involved and too invested in Vito Dee Symons. They should hate her, they should put the blame on her, just the way she had.

She stopped her thought process. No one was blameless in all of this. It took two to tango... Well, in their odd little friendship three... And then Vito deserved some of the fault- She stopped her tangled web of thoughts again. She needed to relax, to calm down, and to stop freaking herself out by thinking about blame and faults and whatnot.

She forced herself to sit and began ripping out clumps of grass, shredding the blades viciously to take her mind off if what had to be done. She planned to get everything out in the open- well, everything that she had not promised to keep a secret forever. She needed to tell them the story they had not heard, she needed to tell them where she stood, and she needed to see if they could ever forgive her.

Chase stared at the slip of paper in her hand and gulped. Was this really a good idea? She wasn't sure, but she knew that Jack was right. So much was going on, Chase was deadly afraid of Jack now a days, and her and Andrew weren't talking. She bit her lip and looked down at the paper. "Jack.. what are you doing?" She whispered and read it over again, even though she had the words memorized.

You know who you are...

Okay, so this can not keep up this way. One way or another, someone needs to say 'Uncle' and you know that I'll always be the first one to break the silence. Meet me by the lake and bring your 'listening caps'.. I have a lot to say...

~Jack

A lot to say? What did she mean? What was there to say? And was she going to be the only one there? Chase had a bad feeling that Andrew would be there, and she didn't know if she was strong enough for that yet. No, she KNEW she wasn't strong enough for that, but she would have to be. Chase closed her eyes, and found her feet taking her where her heart knew she belonged.

Chase walked down the grounds quickly, there was no turning back now, she had made a decision, and she had to follow through. Looking around for a moment, she saw a distinct flash of red, and she trained her feet towards the lake. It was now or never, turn around and forget about Jack, forget about the paper, burn it and go to the library to stick her head in a dusty volume in order to get it out of her mind.

Chase hesitated and stood there for a long moment on the grounds. She couldn't do this! No.. she couldn't do it! Jack was asking a lot of her right now. The fact that Chase had made it halfway was enough for her, and she started back up to the school. She stopped though, staring at the doors. No... she had to go and listen. She owed that much to Jack. She had to talk to her. Chase spun around, and cleared her mind, put on her mask, and walked down the grounds. She had become quite good at the mask, having learned it from some Slytherins. She let all emotion drop, and clenched her hands into fists, crumpling the piece of parchment in her hand.

"What do you want Jack?" She asked softly, her jaw set. No.. that was all wrong! She wasn't a mean person! She wasn't this tense. She slowly relaxed her grip and then let a small smile cross her face. "Hey Jack.." she said softly, and closed her eyes. "I..." she stopped, and opened her eyes, looking at Jack. "Hey.." She said and shook her head. "I've brought my listening cap.." she said tapping her head.

Andrew had been up in his dorm when he had received a letter from a friend...if that's what she still thought of him. Sure, andrew was in a bad mood, yet he didn't want to ignore the friends he already had. So he set his backpack underneath his bed and trudged out of the dormitory and out into the wilderness of the Hogwarts ground.

He used his hand as a shield from the sun, letting his eyes transition from the candles inside to the bright sun outside. He continued forward, a little bit more normalcy in his stance. His mind was in a blissful ignorance as he tried to block out recent events. He had made himself look like a joke, a joke to humanity itself. He was just an excuse, like most others.

As he neared the lake, he began to think about his brother. In a way, he had transformed into him. And it scared him. He didn't want to be his brother, no he wanted to be Andrew. He wanted the past to stay in the past...yet it followed him. Stalked him. It would not let Andrew leave its embraces as it whispered grudges, anger and jealousy into his ear. He managed to reach the edge of the lake, seeing Jack and his...friend Chase. That's all she was now. She had made sure of it.

With heavy footsteps, he continued towards the two, fear in his chest. Why was he afraid of them? Was it because he was afraid of the past? Or afraid of what they thought of him? Well he would certainly find out. When he approached the two, his chest felt hollow. "Hey gals," he said in his regular voice. Awwwkwarrrrd.

Jack lifted head to see Chase approach. She kept herself from wincing at the hostile greeting. Ouch. Okay, so she knew where she stood with Chase. Yikes... Even if Chase corrected herself, she had let slip just how she felt about Jack, even if that was not how she wanted to respond or whatever. Jack grimaced at her, but did not say anything else.

Andrew appeared a few moments later, looking uncomfortable and offering a pleasant, if not awkward, greeting. She looked up at him and nodded. For a moment, she stared awkwardly at them, as though they were stuck and there was nothing to say. But this was Jack. There was always something to say.

"Well, sit down. I have a lot to say and it's not gonna be good on your legs to stand for the whole time."

She sighed, letting the shreds of grass tumble out of her hands. She said, staring at her hands. "I'm an independent person. Always have been. Well, I always had been, t seems." This was Jack's terrible way of saying that she missed them. She looked up. "I want to explain myself, explain everything I know. Tell you everything I had hidden."

Chase winced at the look on Jack's face. It was like a slap to her face, a gut wrenching reminder of just what Jack's feelings were to her. She bit her lip and nodded slowly, and then turned around when she heard his voice. Shit, it was Andrew. She broke out into a cold sweat, and then let out an awkward laugh when he greeted them. "Hey.. Andrew... Jack.." She said glancing at her. And then nodding when she told them to sit down.

Chase glanced at the other two, and lowered her head, sitting down next to the tree, and staring at her lap as Jack talked. It felt like she was being scolded. Her stomach was in twists, her mind was completely blank, and she could feel herself shaking. The looks Jack gave her, like she was just another horrible Slytherin. It made her cheeks burn with shame, her eyes water, and she wished she could just, get up and hug her. But Chase stayed where she was at. It wasn't like her, this wasn't like them! They should be off sneaking somewhere, eating brownies and laughing.. not sitting awkwardly outside, while Jack spilled her guts.

"Jack.." she said suddenly, and stood up at the same time. She moved forward and hugged her hard, eyes closed, tears pricking them, but she stayed there, hugging her friend, before letting go and landing on the grass with a soft whoosh of air that had escaped her lungs. She kept her eyes closed, and pulled her knees to her chest, not looking at the other two. "I'm sorry." She whispered, and then looked up at Jack. "Go on now.." She said softly and smiled lightly, hoping that broke the tension, even if just a little bit.

Talk, talk, talk. Is that all they ever did anymore? No just forgetting the past and moving on with life? Why did it always have to be a lecture? But at the sake of Andrew's friends, he would be patient for them. He just wanted to spill some guts and get out. He was hurt enough already, he didn't need the butcher knife in him as well.

So he sat down on a nice tuft of and sat with his knees up and his arms on top of them. he kept thinking that she needed to just get it over with, but this was no band-aid. This was life. "Fire away," he said after Chase had spoken. At first, he believed that she had given him a dirty look, but just realized it was nothing.

Even as he sat, he couldn't help but get impatient. This was just tedious, a pure joke! What was the point in apologizing over a stupid summer filled with stupid mitakes? Chase had said it, and even now he believed it! He just wanted to continue with his life and grow up! He didn't need them! To try and quiet his thoughts, he moved his hand behind him and grabbed onto the grass, ripping it qucivckly but silently. That almost helped relieved his thoughts.

Jack was taken aback when Chase suddenly hugged her and she did not respond at first, but kept her arms stuck to her sides. Jack had never been the sort of person you ran up and hugged, no matter who you were, and the hug reminded her that she had had friends over the summer, and it made their loss now even more unsettling. She awkwardly lifted her arms, but Chase sat back down before she could respond.

Andrew said to fire away and Jack took a deep breath. This was going to be interesting. “Okay... So at the beginning of summer, by the time we were all hanging out, everything was okay. I mean, you should have told me you guys were dating... I mean I would have been okay with it, but that's beside the point. That's not my main concern.”

She was stumbling through this. It was weird, letting go of the little things that had convinced her that she was not all to blame. “You guys are mad at me for a series of events that you have not heard the full story of and I think it's about time I clear everything up, clarify it so you can at least understand what's going on.”

She took a breath. And now she came to the point she was dreading. How did you bring up such a subject? Perhaps it was like a band aid, and it just needed to be ripped off, as quickly and painlessly as possible. So she tried it.

“Vito.”

Ouch. Still hurt.

She quickly began to explain. “This is what a lot of our troubles have been focusing on and I need to explain to you why. I have known Vito for awhile now. We've been rivals for longer than I've been friends with you guys. We were always trying to get to each other, piss each other off, but that was it. I did not know the full extent of what he did. I had clues, but at the point, I didn't care. We weren't pals or anything. We were rivals, enemies. It was a game to us, this messing with each other, a stupid game and we were opponents. But the point is, that was how we were at the beginning of the summer. But then, I called one of his bluffs when we were in Diagon Alley and I went to Satin's with him. He slipped me a drink, which I didn't know about. And we got to talking. I think we both had our own motives, we were trying to get dirt on the other, or whatever. But we had both been drinking and he slipped up first...”

She paused. She knew they would want to know what had caused her to pity a murderer. But here was the problem. She had promised him she would never tell, and so, she wouldn't.

“He told me about some of the bleaker parts of his life, by accident, and I sympathized with him. He got mad at me and stormed off, but I followed him. I was curious. I wanted to know more about it. To figure out why he was the way he was.” She hesitated. She decided that they did not need to know about his outburst. His “tantrum.” She, again, had sworn not to tell. “He got mad at me and then went back downstairs to drink. I went down too and tried to act like nothing had happened. He told me he had spiked my drink, and now I got mad at him. I started yelling at him and he started pushing my buttons. So, I pushed back, and I insulted him. He grabbed me by the throat and started to excuse me of hating him and how he thrived on hate. Everything he told me, only made me feel worse for him, and it made me realize something. That, for some reason, I didn't hate him. He released me and I told him so, and then I left.”

She took a breath. “I didn't know why and neither did he. Neither of us could understand it, so when I saw him walking around in London a few days later, I caught up to him. We both wanted answers. By then, I had figured it out. He asked me why I didn't hate him and I explained because what would that prove by hating him. He already hated, the Death Eaters hate... Why add me to the mix? And he was created in hate. Why would I want to contribute to that cause?” She stopped and she turned her eyes to Andrew and Chase. In an earnest voice, she asked, “You can understand that, can't you?”

She sighed, closing her eyes momentarily and continuing on. She had to say it all or she never would. “I don't know if he understood or not, but something I said affected him. We continued on and he started mouthing off about something, pretending to threaten me and whatnot. I told him off and I left.”

She continued more slowly now, recognizing she was in dangerous waters. There was a lot here she could not reveal. “Then Andrew told me about what he had done. I had it in my mind to yell at him the next time I saw him... But the next time I found him, he was drinking... a lot. I thought he was going to die if he drank anymore. So I got him up to his room and convinced him to sleep it off. We fell asleep, and when we woke up, he flipped out on me, and...” Again, she paused, remembering the entailing argument. Where she angered him, he reduced her to tears, she yelled back and he hit the wall. She hat patched him up and gone to change. She had heard him breaking down and had rushed out to stop him. And he had collapsed against her, and she had sat there and rested her head against his. There was no way she could tell them that. She could not break whatever trust Vito had in her.

“We got into a bad argument, one of our worst. But... he proved to me afterwards that he wasn't all bad. It hadn't been his intention, but he had. I was convinced he was going to change...” She felt her hands begin to shake slightly so she grabbed another tuft of grass and began shredding it, staring down at her hands. “The next time I saw him was that day in London...With Chase... I had heard her screams... We faced off, and I challenged him. The thing about Vito and I... we don't back down from challenges. Once he left, I helped Chase to the hospital and... and I felt the worse I had ever felt. I tracked you guys down to apologize, but Chase, your sympathy, and Andrew, your anger... It didn't help. I just felt defiant when you started to make me make more promises, Andrew... And I was so mad that you didn't hate me Chase. I hated myself and I was so angry you would not hate me back. And... I began to realize.”

She did not know if she would be able to choke out the words. It seemed like she could not admit it to them, her best friends, what she had discovered. But she had to. Slowly, in a strained voice, she said, “I realized I was like Vito. Never wanted people around because they had never done me good, and when I did have people like that around, I was expecting the biggest disappointment of my life. And I blamed myself for so many things and when they refused to hate me for the things I hated myself for... I snapped.”

She sighed. “And then... that's when you went to Satin's...” She looked at Chase. “And you.” She turned her eyes to Andrew. “But I'm not going to go into that. You two can worry about what happened there, I don't want to involve myself in that. But around that time, I wasn't going home. I stayed in the tree fort, and in places I could find. I didn't even go to any of my uncle's homes. I couldn't face anybody. I broke into homes of vacationing muggles and whatnot. And one day I found myself in a bar, and before I knew it, I was drinking... A lot. I was trying to forget.”

She shook her head slightly and continued, “Vito found me. He has a knack for it. He joined me and I tried to send him away. But he... he convinced me that he did have the capacity to care.” She could not tell them about the dream he had told her about. “He, in his own way, apologized for his actions. And then he helped me. He got me to Satin's and gave me a room to sleep it off. And the next day, I explained to him what had caused me to get so upset. What I had realized... How I understood how he felt, because my mind worked the same way, for the most part.”

She remembered back to the conversation and gave a lame summary. “We had a nice chat. I had remembered everything he had done for me the night before, and that had convinced me that there was still hope. We left there as close to the word friends as it gets when it comes to Vito.”

“And then came the summer party, and I-I... I had to choose.” She felt her voice crack. Crap. She had not wanted to get emotional. That was not what she had wanted, but she knew she had to talk this through, explain why she had done what she had done. The only problem, was that the wounds were fresh. She closed her eyes, and said in a strained quiet voice, more to herself than anyone. “You shouldn't have made me choose... It hurt so bad... But how could you have known...” She forced back the tears that were pressing against her eyelids and looked up.

“How could I turn my back on Vito, after he had gone from my enemy to my confidant? After all of the progress I was sure he had made? If I had turned my back, he would just revert to his old ways, only now, with a reason to seek revenge on you guys. He would have no one to care for him, no reason to try and change. And you guys had each other. He had no one.”

She shoved her shaking hands under her knees and said in a small voice, “We went to Satin's afterwards. He comforted me, we made jokes, acted like nothing had happened. We drank, we tried to forget. And, I poured my sorrow at losing my only friends into that.”

She looked up at them. “Then we came back to school, and I had no idea what to expect from you guys. On the train, you guys tried to be nice to me, but I was too sick with myself to allow you too. And then the demon attack, and I got worried... and I said some things that I probably should not have.” Her eyes met Chase's momentarily. “And then, at school, I just figured you all hated me anyway. I was not expecting anything different. I wasn't ignoring or avoiding you guys. I just wanted to allow you your distance from me, because I'm... What I've done is unforgivable, and I'm sorry.”

She stopped. There it was. There was everything she could tell them without betraying Vito too. It was all the truth, even where parts were missing, and it was one of the most revealing things she had ever done. She had admitted she was wrong, even where she was not sure that she was. She knew it would not make it up, but she just wanted them to understand. “I just wanted you guys to know that. That I am sorry, and why I did everything. It's not a justification, or a plea for reconciliation, it's just... my story.” She nodded. “That's my story.”

(Longest post! 2020 says PA, Word says 2041!)

Chase wasn't quite sure what to say to everything Jack said. Her mind was trying to process it all, she had curled up on the ground, attempting to make herself look as small as possible. Her eyes stayed on Jack though, never drifting over to Andrew, but she listened intently to Jack's story. Why she did what she did, and Chase felt like something was breaking inside of her. She bit her lip, her finger twirling a strand of hair around her finger. She stared straight ahead and knew there was a lot there, and it explained a lot too. Why Jack had done what she did, why she had chosen Vito over them, and she knew that there was no way she could ever be angry at Jack.

She didn't say anything for a long moment, afraid to break the silence after the story. No.. not the story, it wasn't a story, it was the truth, and Chase felt an odd sense of relief, it was all out on the table, nothing hidden, maybe vague in a few points, and Chase understood why Jack would do that, there were a lot of points in her life that they didn't need to know, and that was probably what was going on through Jack's head. "You aren't like him Jack." She said suddenly, finally finding her voice. "You may act a bit like him, but... you aren't like him.." She looked up at Jack and felt the first true smile cross her face for the first time in a long time.

"Jack.. I understand why you did what you did... I don't.. I don't blame you for everything that has happened between us." She said softly. Finally, Chase let her eyes wander over to Andrew, and she smiled wider. "It was a good summer..." She said suddenly, looking at them both. "Jack.. you are Jack, and you are my best friend... and you will be my best friend okay? Don't think otherwise.. I was more.. I was afraid of what you were thinking of me when I saw you in class." She bit her lip and then sighed. "Can I take a turn then? Can I tell you about.. why I did what I did?" She let her eyes find Andrew now, and she stared at him for a long moment before standing next to Jack.

"You guys know most of what happened I guess." She said slowly. "But.. I think my story revolves around more recent matters." She said carefully. She kept her eyes on Andrew, and then sighed and coughed lightly. She stood for a moment, trying to find her voice, and where to start. "On the train.. after you broke up with me Andrew, I realized something.. I realized that, I never want to feel that way again.. I never want to feel so... abandoned." She said slowly. "Jack, you were helping someone who was abandoned! But at the same time.." She looked at them both carefully. "At the same time, you kind of forgot about your friends..." She bit her lip and sighed. "I feel horrible for saying this." she said and sighed. "My turn." She said almost to herself.

"Andrew, this summer was amazing, I loved it so much, and I would never take it back... Jack, I'm so happy we met! You are my best friend, truely and deeply. But after Andrew broke up with me, and after you left the compartment Jack, something inside me realized just how.. alone I was. My family was gone, my boyfriend didn't want to be with me, and my best friend was supporting the guy who took my family away... I was... alone.. and I hated it, I've never been alone before, so what was the first thing I did? I looked for a new friend." She took a deep breath, and her eyes found Elijah.

"Recently I've started to not only drink... but smoke too, I hate it, but it clears my mind so much.. and well.. I guess we do live longer then most, so what's a few years knocked off?" She sighed and shook her head. "When I met Elijah, Andrew, this is towards you now.. when I met Elijah, we had a face off, he said I was stupid, said something about me putting down all redheads, and I needed to be careful cause the Potter's need us to reproduce." She felt a small giggle escape, and then she sighed and went on. "I was pissed, so I told him off, and I guess it was a mutual respect after that. We went to his compartment, and drank away our sorrows, he showed me his pictures, and we smoked.." She smiled slightly. "We missed the carriages when we got here.. and we had to walk up, helped that we were both extremely tipsy.. and you know how I am when I'm drunk..." she said slowly.

"Well, I wasn't expecting it at all, and I don't think Elijah was either, but he kissed me." She looked at Jack, who she knew didn't know this story. "You showed up Andrew, and punched him in the nose, I was so confused! I didn't know what to do, you had just punched the only person who had been nice to me since Jack had left the compartment, he is a very nice person Andrew.." she said softly and looked at Jack. "I said no when Andrew asked me out again.. because I was confused, I was upset, and I was drunk." She said shaking her head. "Ever since then, Elijah has never made a move on me believe me..."

Chase felt as though she were being transported to the past now, the rain falling down, the parchment in the grass, letters written out with a short phrase being washed away on the bottom of them. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you." She blamed herself for her family's death, and thats when she had had the attack. "Remember Andrew, when I first moved in, and when I had the nightmare.. I had that fit.." She looked at Jack, and realized there was a lot to explain to her. "A year or so ago... I was attacked, and the scars on my back.. if I put myself into severe stress, or emotional distress... it's like the cruciatus curse.. both sides.." She raised her shirt to show the scar that crossed her stomach, and then turned around, showing the long thick scar that went from her hip, to her shoulder. It stood out like it had just been inflicted, and she knew she would probably be having a fit later.

"I had a fit on the grounds.." She said softly. "Eli showed up.. and held me..." She sighed. "When we met again on the grounds Andrew, I knew I had to cut it off with you.. I had to or the fits would never end.. so I said some things I regret saying, such as that you needed to grow up, that we were only a summer romance, and you were pushing things to fast.. I feel horrible.. in truth, I still love you Andrew, but, right now I need to find myself, because.. you can't love unless you love yourself ,and right now I despise myself Andrew, for everything I've done and said to you, so please, maybe not now.. but in the future..." she shook her head. She sighed. "That's all I really have to say, I know it's lame, and not nearly as.. informative as Jack.. but.. I need you to know Andrew, Jack.. I want you to be my friends, please.. I.." she shook her head and went to sit down again. "I need you to be my friends.."

Heh. Apologies were showing up now? After all this time? After all the stress, after all the blood spilled? Now? He chuckled to himself slightly. Now they all wanted to be friends again...to act as if all of this would just blow away. Would it really? Or would it just secretly hide until it was able to feast again? He didn't know, but he really didn't want to apologize for anything. It was just a summer, filled with mistakes and hard decisions that would most likely ruin their lives later on. He could just not think of anything to say from that point. If more than anything, he just wanted to be back in Hogwarts.

He listened to Chase however...and she still loved him? After what she had said to him? To hurt him? a certain spark of anger showed in his eyes for half a second, but quickly replaced it with neutrality. "Can we all just say we're friends and leave?" He asked abruptly. He didn't want to be there right now. So he stood up and kept himself a statue, ready to leave when they would both agree. What else were there to say then what they had just said anyway?

Jack looked up, meeting eyes with Chase as she said it all didn't matter and she wanted to be her friend again. Jack felt confused. What? She wanted to be friends? That was not what this was about, did she think that was all Jack wanted? She did not know if she should be relieved by this or what? Didn't Chase get it? Jack had chosen the man that had killed Chase's family. Jack wasn't supposed to be forgiven. She was despicable. Chase was supposed to yell "I told you so" and storm away, laughing at Jack's stupidity.

And then Andrew... he looked angry. Jack was not sure if it was towards her or towards Chase, though it was probably a mixture of both. From what she had heard from the grapevine, and from what Chase had just said, this was all news to Andrew about her not regretting the summer, so she could understand that bitter look on his face.

He suddenly asked if they could all just be friends and leave, but the look on his face did not tell Jack that he was ready to be friends. She also knew that Chase forgave easier than he did, so he was probably still angry at Jack for siding with Vito. She stared at him and said in a quiet voice, "It was not my intention to pretend all of this never happened and going back to being friends. I wanted us to clear the air... All of us."