Now 253% more child friendly!
*A red curtain is quickly drawn back, revealing a large red sofa. Two people sit on the sofa, one a small, young boy in a casual suit. The other is an older woman, also blonde, who wears a stylish black dress. In a stunning change of pace that nobody will notice/care about; she does not have a tattoo on her left arm. They both smile and wave to the camera*
KEITH: Hey folks. I’m Keith.
SANDRA: And I’m Sandra. And this is-
BOTH: SHIPPER ON DECK!
*A brief montage of pictures play, mostly Keith and Sandra laughing. In the final picture, Keith lounges on the top of a giant heart with an arrow through it while Sandra finishes spray-painting the words “Shipper on Deck” in the middle. They both pose and smile towards the camera*
KEITH: So…
SANDRA: How’s everything going?
KEITH: All good?
SANDRA: Anyone miss us?
KEITH: That was a joke. Of course you missed us. We’re the best things since sliced bread.
SANDRA: Scratch that. We’re better than sliced bread. Sliced bread doesn’t have anything on our hiatus prone, derogatory, frustratingly meta and often simply incorrect not-quite a television show.
KEITH: Nah actually I think sliced bread has us beat.
SANDRA: *Sighs* It’s just so damn convenient. When was the last time you sliced your own bread?
KEITH: Never. I’m not allowed to have a knife.
SANDRA: Yeah neither am I. Try to kill two underage kids making a huge mistake and it’s like they can’t trust you with weapons or something.
KEITH: Oh yeah, the Prison/Sally thing. How’s that working out by the way?
SANDRA: What? I don’t know. I think they left the site.
KEITH: What is this “left the site” you speak of? That kind of talk is why people think we’re frustratingly meta.
SANDRA: Sorry, I meant they were *makes airquotes* “eaten by a dragon”.
KEITH: Best excuse for vanishing ever.
SANDRA: Naturally, neither of us was eaten by dragons.
KEITH: But enough of this bantering crap!
SANDRA: We all know what you’re really here for.
KEITH: Ships!
SANDRA: Now we know our last two episodes weren’t actually ships…
KEITH: And in fact we haven’t done a ship in 15 months!
SANDRA: But we’re going to do one today, mainly because we like keeping you on your toes.
KEITH: In case you were wondering, today’s ship was totally not randomly chosen while quickly skimming the Hogwarts Grounds section of the forum.
SANDRA: And so without further ado, we present to you….
KEITH: *Begins a drumroll on the table in front of them, which was not described in the opening sequence but is so totally there I mean wow*
SANDRA: Rise Lehmberg and Jack Haggard!
KEITH: Rack!
SANDRA: Keith that’s a stupid name.
KEITH: Jise!
SANDRA: Only slightly better.
KEITH: Also known as Acceptance Shipping.
SANDRA: Sweet.
KEITH: So very very sweet.
SANDRA: Anyway, some background.
KEITH: Rise Lehmberg is a 17-year-old Hufflepuff-
SANDRA: Heh. Hufflepuff.
KEITH: *Snickers*
SANDRA: Is a, uh, 17-year-old Hufflepuff student who also happens to be a werewolf.
KEITH: Almost as common a problem as being an orphan!
SANDRA: Yes. Rise is not an orphan, though she wishes she were.
KEITH: Orphans are more special than the rest of us.
SANDRA: …That is hands down one of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard you say. And besides, she doesn’t mean it like that; she just thinks her parents are horrible people.
KEITH: A teenager who hates her parents? Shocker.
SANDRA: I went through a phase like that.
KEITH: Did you dye your hair black and call yourself Ebony Raven Midnight?
SANDRA: No, I burned my house down.
KEITH: …That’s so awesome.
*Screen fades to black, and large, white letters appear*
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed on this show are those of the hosts and not necessarily those of the ShipperOnDeck executives, owners, or writing staff, all of who is one guy at his computer. Thank you.
*Screen fades back in*
SANDRA: Anyway, Rise is a little miffed about the whole werewolf situation.
KEITH: A little miffed? Sandra, she’s the werewolfian equivalent of Holden Caulfield. Any more angst and the entire universe might spontaneously start listening to Linkin Park and writing horrible poetry.
SANDRA: Okay, so she’s angsty about it. She’s a little insecure about turning into a monster every month and is worried about violently killing someone while affected by her condition.
KEITH: Come on Sandra, let’s leave her period out of this.
SANDRA: *stares*
SANDRA: Can we take five while I strangle him?
*Ne’os Emof appears on screen, in only a towel*
NE’OS: Hello, ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being a little girl and turned into a vampire, he could drink blood like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a flying boat with the man your man could drink blood like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two wine glasses full of blood to look sexy and dignified with. Look again, the wine glasses are now galleons. Anything is possible when your man drinks blood instead of little girl things like Butterbeer. I had babies with Taylor Swift.
*Screen cuts to Jess Potter*
JESS: I’M A SOUTH PARK CHARACTER!
*Screen cuts back to Shipper On Deck. Keith is rubbing as his throat while Sandra adjusts her hair. They both smile, Keith mouths, “help me” to the camera*
KEITH: And we’re back, with more Shipper On Deck.
SANDRA: When we took a commercial break we were discussing Rise’s angst, fueled by her belief that she is a monster and does not deserve compassion or friendship.
KEITH: In reality, she doesn’t deserve compassion or friendship because she’s a whiner, but that’s beside the point.
SANDRA: Quite. It was one bright summer day that Rise was sitting at the lake, angsting about being a werewolf, when she was approached by Brad Pitt I mean Jack Haggard.
KEITH: Jack Haggard is also a Seventh Year Hufflepuff-
SANDRA: Hah! Hufflepuff!
KEITH: Is also a Seventh Year Hufflepuff who totally stole my thing of growing up in America and also killed two people at age five.
SANDRA: Yaaaaaay.
KEITH: Anyway, Jack gets his flirt on and at this point it’s pretty much a given that these two are gonna get it on sooner or later.
SANDRA: See, Rise is shocked that someone is actually complimenting her and treating her like a human being, totally ignoring the fact that he probably just wants to get in her pants and will drop her like the reboot of Charlie’s Angels when she goes all wolfy on him.
KEITH: Or maybe he’s really into the werewolf thing and will drop her like another pop culture reference when she turns back into a girl!
SANDRA: Ew.
KEITH: Anyway, Jack is saying she’s beautiful and she’s blushing and it’s all very cute and sweet.
SANDRA: You can see why this couple is shippable – Rise is the misunderstood loner, jaded by horrible treatment and a deep self-loathing,
KEITH: While Jack is the shy, but good-hearted guy that will teach her that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Even if your outside is a horrible wolf beast intent on devouring your friends.
SANDRA: So alright, It’s a little bit adorable.
KEITH: Despite all our jokes, we think this is a ship people can sympathize with and get behind, filled with plenty of little “aw” moments.
SANDRA: And it reminds us to always be accepting of others, even if they aren’t accepting of themselves.
KEITH: So as long as they don’t do anything crazy…
SANDRA: Like get engaged before their at least 23,
KEITH: Rise and Jack have the full support of Shipper On Deck behind them.
SANDRA: It’s been a great night everyone. Thank you so much.
KEITH: Just remember, I’m Keith…
SANDRA: And I’m Sandra. And this is…
BOTH: SHIPPER ON DECK!
by Peter Harrington Wed Nov 02, 2011 3:07 am
