[OPEN] Real Life Slash

Julian's reaction was so anticlimactic that Clair turned his head so fast he almost got whiplash. This was the guy who'd fallen off a bench rather than entertain the idea of a kiss for (theoretically) the entertainment of their peers.

After that day in the hallway, Clair had Julian pegged for the type of guy who thought "there was nothing wrong with that" so long as "that" wasn't directed at him. Maybe he was wrong.

He really wanted to be wrong. Wanting to be wrong was what was driving him to close the short distance between them.

"Cool like thanks but no thanks, or cool like you want me to kiss you now?" he asked.

Julian was not suited for delicate situations and, while he doubted Clair would appreciate being considered delicate, this situation was obviously delicate. Julian liked to consider himself an open-minded person (even though his actions often betrayed his ignorance) so he didn't want to do anything to offend Clair, or make him feel bad.

But he was also already having trouble as it was convincing the women of Hogwarts that he was the cassanova they needed. And any question to his sexuality would ruin his chances.

Also there was the whole not liking men thing in his way. And his fragile sense of masculinity.

"Cool thanks like you're a really good friend," Julian said, his voice a little hollow and shakey as he said it.

Clair took a half-step back and dropped his head to resume studying the floor tiles.  He knew what that meant, even if he never understood where it came from.

"Not good enough, apparently," he mumbled.

"It's not-"

Merlin, this felt horrible. He had never been on this side of the equation. He knew the other side well enough, even if he had never gotten far enough to really get so overtly rejected (it was more of a blanket attitude of disinterest directed towards him) and was finding that neither part of the situation was comfortable.

"It's not a good enough thing," Julian said with a shrug. "It's a... I'm just not... Y'know. Thing."

Jordyn would have been dying of laughter. Peter would have probably hit him. He deserved all of it.

"Thing?" Clair echoed sceptically. "Are you saying that because you're afraid you'll catch it if you say gay, or because you're not sure what I am?"

In the same way not many people ever got to see Clair genuinely smile, few ever got to see him really frown. That's what he was doing now, frowning, as he lifted his head, not really to look at Julian, but looking past him, eyes not focused on anything at all.

Clair would usually have estimated himself as one of the more knowledgeable in the school when it came to matters of the heart, or at least matters carnal, but right now, Julian had him flummoxed.

"If it's not a good enough thing, then what could it possibly be?" he asked. "I don't see why a kiss is such a big deal."

"No, I'm not scared- don't be- no, it's just, I don't want to assume-"

It was the verbal version of running, tripping, and then getting up just to fall over again.

Merlin, he wasn't sure how this was his fault. He wasn't the one with the feelings, or the confusion he might have promoted, or- whatever else he might have done. Had he actually done anything, except chewing on his own foot?

But it did feel like his fault. This was a friend, after all? And he was doing a shit job of being a friend.

He sighed. "You're smarter than me. C'mon, you've gotta know that a kiss is a big deal for me. And I put up with a lot of strong opinions of who I am - I don't know if I could also deal with everyone having an opinion on something I'm not, too."

Clair stared at Julian. He could understand how a kiss might be a big deal if it was your first kiss. But he already knew it wouldn't be Julian's first.

"Jules, I... I mean, I'm a slut, aren't I? How do you even think I got this?"

He hooked his finger beneath his collar and tugged it down, to expose the tattoo that was barely hidden, anyway. He didn't bother to explain. Let Julian's imagination run wild.

"So I don't get it, okay? But there's only you and me in here and I'm not going to run off and tell anyone."

"But like, you know what a brojob is, right? Think of it like the kissing version of a brojob."

Julian felt bad, felt like maybe Clair was right, that he was making too big a deal of it all. But every time he tried to reconcile that, one big resounding reason not to give in came barreling back into his head. I don't want to. And for a boy who had always been unapologetically persistent in his pursuit of women, this sudden realization hit him hard.

"Clair," he said, firmly. "I'm sorry. But no. Okay?" He sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Look, I should get going. I'll see you around."

And he headed for the door.

Clair stared after Julian, unsure what was going on.

Sure, he'd known Julian would say no at first, but he'd also never doubted his own ability to turn that no into a yes.  Or at least a just this once.

But "just this once" hadn't happened, and now Julian was walking away like it was nothing.  And Clair wasn't okay with it.