A. D. Zabini [2030]

So, remember I mentioned Hit's sister? Funny story, actually.

She's kind of a nightmare. Y'know, since she came back from... whatever happened to her. It's not a funny story, really. I'm currently sitting in the study room on a Friday night, though. Can you even imagine? It's actually painful. But it got me thinking. She went through this awful, incredibly unfair thing. And I know I can't compare what I worry happened to her with what I worry happened to you. And I don't want to make either of you relive it. I won't ask you, don't worry.

But it just makes me think about the kinds of people there are in this school. Someone like Naomi, who takes what happened and turns it into a reason to make people hate her. So nobody will get close enough to hurt her again. But then, we've got people who would now probably love to hex her if given the chance.

But then there's you. How did you do it? I know I can't really ask you in person because I think I'd make you uncomfortable and I'd rather not do that. But I just don't get it. You're.. good. Normal, even. In a werewolf kind of way. I actually almost forgot that you were, for a second. A werewolf.

I know that it's part of who you are, but it isn't what first comes to mind most of the time. The first thing, actually? It used to be your eyes, or that smile. You know the one. But now it's your hair. How creepy is that, seriously? But no, it.. It's because of the break, y'know? It's like I can still see you on the couch or asleep when I wake up.


Sorry. I lost my train of thought. I was with Naomi, like I said, but she got mad at me so I left. I looked for you at dinner but I think I missed you. Anyway, let's see. Oh.

My actual point, before, was that I'm impressed. By you, I mean. You're stronger than you realize, I think. Maybe that's an act for me, but I hope not.

So despite me making her mad last night, Naomi decided to sit across from me at breakfast. Maybe she's lonely, too. Or just vindictive and wanted me to suffer. I'm betting on the latter. Know why?

Her: So, you hear about Christian yet? Surely you must have.

(Y'know, something like that. I might be paraphrasing. I can't remember.)

Me: Um, no?

Her: He's dating that magic-hating witch from Ravenclaw. That must be great news for your parents.

Now, don't get me wrong, Lily. I have nothing against Charlotte. Charlotte is fine. But... Why her? I just don't get it. Not for Christian. If he were smart, he'd find someone as into him as Charlotte, but as fierce as Ace. Where Charlotte drunkenly kissed him in a closet, Ace would've locked him in one. He really just needs to find some middle ground.

Naomi has a point, obviously, as far as mum and dad go. But it isn't like he's the first one to do something like this, is it? Hah. Merlin...

It just got me thinking- ... Well, I wondered, really, .. whether or not your parents would've liked me. I'm not trying to make you upset, while reading this. I'm not. I swear. But... would they? I know that our parents weren't friends. Please don't ask me why that came up. But it did, and it wasn't good.

I feel like I'm not the sort of person that would immediately upset parents. Unless it's the hair? I get that.

But- no. I just mean that.. if they really knew me, I don't know what they'd think. Probably nothing good, given recent events and what's happened between us over the years. I'm undoubtedly nothing like the man your parents would've imagined for you. I'd love to be that guy, but I'm not. I'm just not. Maybe someday, I'll get there.

I want to. I want that so badly, particularly since they aren't here to tell me off or warn you away from me or whatever. Y'know. The usual "subtle" parent things.

I just don't know how.

..I'm so sorry.

[ooc: This page has been ripped out. The only thing that remains is the date and the words "I miss." The rest is gone, torn off in a fit of rage. He never bothered to fix it, though, making clear just how long it'd been since he'd last made an entry. The rest of the page went up in smoke thanks to an Incendio charm. It burnt his left hand along a couple fingers and across his palm, which he didn't bother to fix or seek help for. The injury, while noticed by a few, was largely ignored by those around him.

If Lily turns the remaining scrap over, she'd see that he wrote on both sides before tearing it. In fact, the handwriting on the back is extremely cramped, like he thought he'd run out of room, though only a couple of words ("infinitely worse") are there.]

Original Entry:

Lily,

I'm sorry for today. I'm grateful for today. I love you, and I would never apologize for that if the world were made differently.

I don't know how you put up with me. I really don't. Don't think that I'm trying to say I don't understand why you've stuck around. That's not true. I get it, I think. I can't say I know exactly why you love me. But we fit. We make sense, when most stuff doesn't.

I just don't like where this has gotten us. I said it today and I'll say it again for when you read this. Please don't stress about me. We both know that I dont usually think everything through. You said to write down everything. You may regret doing that.

You also told me to write down everything I want to know. I'm not sure I can do that. What I'm curious about and what I have a right to know don't always match up. I know that. So I.. I can't do it. I'll try and come up with other things. Inane things, probably, but I'll give it a good show.

Ah. Here's a thought. You may cover most of them in whatever you write down in yours, but I'll just start listing a couple things each time I write in here. And we can compare in person this summer, how's that?

For example.
Is it weird that my favorite color is dark gray? I always felt like it didn't really count. I do like green, but that's just too predictable.

I've always wondered what it would be like to swim in the lake outside. I can see it from where I'm sitting. I know it has creatures or whatever in there, but the idea sounds sort of nice.

I sometimes have to ask myself if I have a problem with libraries. Considering what dad did, you'd think I would, right? But I always end up in the library here to study or to write in this, and I don't know if that's ironic or just me feeling safer in this one.

Um, a big one: I know we've covered the stuff about my mum, for the most part. But she isn't my only other immediate family besides Christian and Dad. But I'm not sure how to explain that until I tell Christian himself. So.. maybe more on that later. If I figure it out I'll let you both know.

--I went super off track there, but in the spirit of being honest I had to get some of that down. Especially the last one. I need to talk to Christian. I'll get around to that soon, I think, considering what's going on with him and Ace. He needs to get his head on straight again. (Yes, I recognize the irony.) Maybe then he can deal with this news.

I think I have an essay due this week. I'll check. But I ought to sleep anyways. And I think I will actually manage to do so comfortably now that I've seen you. I wanted someone to lean on. Maybe I should work on getting my brother back before I lose it on you again. I know it happens too often. You shouldn't have to feel like I'm going to crash and burn if you don't step in.

I'll be okay, darling. I will. You'll see. One day, I'll be a healer and Christian and I will both be free of our father. Mum might even learn to be proud of something I do by then. I'll work and you'll be able to do anything in the world that you want to, without being restricted by me or the wonder-puffs as they try to save the world.

Freedom, Lily. You've given me the chance to hope for it. And I'm so, so grateful.

I know you know this, but I'm madly in love with you. And it baffles me every day that you felt strongly enough to come back - even if you didn't feel this way by then. I'm just happy that you love me at all.

I'll be better. I swear it. This won't happen again.

Well. I somehow managed to miss the deadline on a Curative Magic assignment. Of all of the things I could've forgotten... Merlin's sake.

Now I have to go talk to your brother about how I need to make it up. And, knowing this school, I'm sure he's heard the rumors. The truth, that is. But.. This is really weird. It's like I'm going to meet your family after they know we're together already, except you're not there and I already know them but we've never been alone in the same room before.

I mean. That's basically what this is. Gods, I hope I don't do anything wrong.

I hope he doesn't apologize or something. I wouldn't have a clue what to say. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be curious what you'd think if you knew. But I suppose I'll find out at some point, won't I?

Guess I have to get going before he leaves his office for the day. I'd ask that you wish me luck, but I'm not sure I'm supposed to request that when I'm asking for a second chance with someone who already has a reason to dislike me.

I hope he likes me. Cause I love you.

Lily, you won't believe this.

So I went to see Hayes, which I'm sure you're already thinking is a bit insane after the ball at Christmas. But I decided that I need some time out of the castle. To.. breathe, basically, and to remind myself why I work as hard as I do in Lupin's class. So I asked if I could go back to my apprenticeship, and the headmaster wrote the Minister of Magic, himself. How mental is that?

Anyway, I don't know if you heard me in class. I made a point of telling Christian while you were walking past, but I think this might be the happiest I've been since you left after New Year's.

Maybe this will make time move more quickly.

Thank you, Lily. For supporting me in this. I can't wait to properly see you again.

Yours (impatiently),
Apollo

I like pineapple. Just, by the way. I said I would list things but look how quickly I got distracted. Merlin. But they had some with dinner tonight and I actually registered the fact. I'm not really big on fruit now that I think about it, but there you go.

Ironically, my favorite thing to eat is Shepherd's Pie. Isn't that just mental? My mum calls it a Peasant Dish. It's just good, really. And I think she's being dramatic on purpose, but then again, I have never heard my mother tell a joke. So. Who knows.

Anyway, I'm starting my apprenticeship in the morning. St. Mungo's seems to need the help so away I go after Transfiguration tomorrow afternoon. Not sure if I'll be back by dinner, (speaking of), but you know what I just thought about?

Christmas. I think of that a lot, but I was still considering food. People say that tastes and smells can hold and bring back memories. I'm starting to believe that. I wonder how far back that recall can go. Guess we'll find out, someday.

Anyway, I'm anxious, but the rebellious part of me is proud, if I'm being honest. Picture my father's face if he knew. I can't wait, even though I imagine it'll end with a row.

Let's see. What else. I'm assuming you're a dog person. I've never really thought about having pets, myself. Not sure I'd be up for it right now.

I talked to Christian today. Not about the family, but to sort of catch up. He still seems confused about Ace. Not sure what that means for the PA or for you, though.

I hope everything is going well, all things considered.

Night, love.

I cannot believe what happened today. Merlin, I wish I could tell you. So badly. It was horrifying and amazing, all at once. The Minister, Lily. He was there! He'd hurt his hand and everybody else was busy so he told me to help him. I'm not sure I've ever felt like I was going to fall over from shock, but this was close.

St. Mungo's has a massive potions lab, and I actually got to use it. Now that? That's something I could get used to. You would've loved it. So I did this, just, beyond restricted potion with his help to fix his hand after making that salve you taught us in class. Thank Merlin I remembered how. Looks like you make a great teacher, love. Or maybe I just pay a lot of attention. Either way. Take both as compliments.

Anyway, he was saying how I might get to go with him to pick up obscure ingredients and how I had good ideas about Quidditch Safety and I'm not sure what to do now. It was so outrageous that I wasn't sure how to react.

Is this how a future starts? Is this how happiness is made? I think it might be. And you know I'm never one to be overly optimistic. As long as you promise to be there with me, I'm almost certain of it.

Who would've thought?

I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see your reaction to this once we trade journals.

Good night, Lil. I hope you're sleeping well. Peacefully, even, since we talked. I'll see you tomorrow in class, but Summer will catch up sooner than either of us expect.

Still impatient (but obviously still Yours),
Apollo

Spoiler:

---

Lily,

I made a point of talking to Christian today. About the Minister and our trip. The first of many, potentially. I still can't believe it. But there's something else. Something more important, possibly, depending on how things go.

After class, I convinced Christian that we needed to talk. Assuming you're reading these relatively back to back, I'm sure you'll remember I said that Christian and my parents aren't my only immediate relatives. There's one more, which I've finally told my brother about.

See.. We have a half-sibling. Dad's, to be clear. Vanora. I've never said their name out loud before. It felt so strange. They don't live with us, of course, or you would've met them at Christmas. No matter how stupid that whole thing was. Still sorry about that. But I don't know very much about Vanora. Just that they exist, and that, technically, they're illegitimate as far as the whole heir thing goes. Half of me wishes that weren't true. But I also don't know them, or how they would act. Needless to say, I dare to assume Mother might dislike them even more than me.

Impressive, right? But I guess jealousy can do that to a person. I'm glad we don't have that problem. We're quite lucky, I think. At least as far as this relationship is concerned. Don't you?

I'm proud of you. by the way. Of how far we've come, compared to where we started last year.

I love you, Lily. And I miss you.

I think I've gone soft. Or, well.. Okay, so maybe that's not a great way to put it, considering I've never been particularly good at being mean, have I? Most people seem to think I go out of my way to behave that way, but you know better.

Whatever. That's not the point.

I came across this third year in the library today, who was stressing about your exam. Rather, the potions exam. And I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I honestly didn't even realize what exam time meant at first. But, Lil... We're almost there.

I have no idea what the plan is. Maybe you have one? I can't apparate until nearly the end of next month so I.. Merlin, I'm nearly 17. I can't believe that two months ago I was quite literally losing it over something so.. fleeting. I'm not sure what that says about me, but it probably isn't good. Sorry. Once I figure that out, I'll work on it, I swear. If you sort it out first, definitely let me know.

Originally, I was going to write this in a vain attempt at making you proud because I was helping out Stephen. But I've decided that might backfire. That wasn't why I did it at the time, though I did suggest he might want to talk to you. Maybe he will.

Probably not, though. He seems like the sort that doesn't want to bother people if he doesn't have to. Which, y'know, fair enough. I do hope he'll consider it, though.

But, still. A few weeks, sweetheart. None, by the time you get through this whole thing.

Merlin.