"Though I Never Laid a Hand on You"

Something a little too close to pride flickered in her chest when she saw his reaction. Supposing it wouldn't be particularly wise to mention that in the moment, she just let the corners of her lips lift a little.

"We can talk, if you want," Adrienne offered slowly, thinking that he was probably hoping she would've said otherwise. Her palms swept over her skirt, smoothing it out when she looked down for a moment. The urge to fidget was stronger than anything she could resist.

"It has to do with my talk with Shylock, though. So that might mean veering a little bit off topic," she pointed out, lifting an eyebrow as she turned back to him.

Despite the direction she knew they were heading, for a heartbeat she hoped he would accept that suggestion. The whole situation was new and frightening in the way she had of course expected it would be, but Adrienne also understood that there was little chance of getting rid of that feeling anyway. But she was starting to piece things together, learning how to exist in that sort of environment. So she shifted her weight slightly, drawing in a breath and leaving the rest of their, um, meeting up to him.

"What I want is irrelevant," Selwyn replied. "This is about what you want."

Oh, but if it was about Shylock, then it was probably something that they needed to talk about before they got around to more desirable activities. Not least because it might lead to a long and involved conversation about their relationship and regardless of wanting to deal with it later, Selwyn knew going any further before they had this talk would just make things more difficult in the long run.

"To be honest, I was wondering about that," he said. "When you said you'd been talking to him."

"I assume he had something interesting to say. He usually does."

Adrienne wasn't sure if Selwyn's last comment was intended to make her uncomfortable or not. It did, though. She tried not to make it clear to him, however, staying put and appearing like she was thinking on his sort-of-question. Perhaps they wouldn't want to bring the other person up while doing what she thought they were heading towards.

"I sort of took away from it that, if I wanted to be happy with this, I had to at least give it a try."

She thought through their conversation quickly, trying to pull something else out, something more specific. A blush lit her cheeks at one thing, and she knew better than to pretend it hadn't happened.

"I think," she explained, "although I might have misunderstood, that it was sort of decided that I need to be more brave, and more open to making mistakes. He told me about Kaiden, and what you asked him to do," Adrienne looked down at her hands again, forcing herself not to undo the braid Shylock had created by pulling out the hair tie. "And I was mad for a bit. But I think maybe it worked out anyway.

"So we basically finished the chat with me saying I'd listen to you if you tried to explain, and then I got that letter. So."

He needed distance.  Physical distance.

Selwyn got up and walked to the back of the room, where there was no window because he'd never bothered to learn the charm.  He pressed his forehead against the stonework.

"When you talk like that," he said, turning his head slightly so she'd be able to hear, "when you say if I try to explain, I can't tell whether you'd rather not know, or whether you think you're not entitled to know."

He turned, though he was still leaning against the wall and his eyes were still closed because he wasn't entirely sure whether he'd be able to be honest if he was looking at her.

"It's really hard for me.  Sometimes I feel like everything you do, we do, is calculated so I won't get angry at you, and that's what makes me... I dunno, not angry, really. Annoyed.  Disappointed."

"Makes me feel like you don't trust me to not hurt you and I understand why you probably do it, I do."

He looked at her.

"But that hurts me."

Adrienne deflated as he walked away, turning and sinking into the spot he had vacated. As he went on, she curled up and tucked her feet beneath her. Where she had attempted before to be nonchalant, her expression now was one of disappointment and frustration.

"I didn't choose that word specifically to piss you off. It was more just a case of me saying whatever came to mind." Frowning, she turned at look at the wall adjacent to the one he had claimed, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Apparently I'm not the only one who needs to be careful what they say or do," she muttered, frowning at nothing in particular.

It took a moment for her to gather her thoughts, to calm down properly. When she did, Adrienne was finally able to explain. "I just wanted to get the words out. I didn't know that using that specific word would make you shut down. I don't not trust you. But I'm still watching my step everywhere I go, expecting Kaiden's family to show up. And maybe they won't. I can't say I'd complain. But you also have to realize that what you're asking is something I hadn't ever thought of, hadn't really even heard of. It's something my family will be entirely confused about, and that's terrifying."

"I'm trying, here," she snapped finally, turning her head to look at him again. "I've never had... a conversation - or whatever that was - with anybody. Not one that was like that, I mean. I don't -- flirt or make suggestive comments. Nobody's ever wanted me to, or thought about me like that. I don't have any practice in it." She huffed quietly, pressing her shoulder against the back of the chair as she shifted and curled up a bit smaller. Looking away again, she added, "I'm just... I'm trying."

Selwyn took a step forward, but then stopped still.

"No," he began, "you don't get to say that."

She was already continuing, and hearing she trusted him was heartening but the way she said it was not.

"I know-" he tried to interject again, but again she spoke over him and he let her.  Let her get it all out.

"Fuuuck Addie, I know.  I know, okay?" he finally had a chance to speak. "I know this hard for you. It's hard for me, you know."

"It's hard for me because whenever I try to tell you how I feel or what I'm worried about, you guilt trip me, and I'm not falling for it this time."

"This isn't about one word.  It's about you never telling me what you want, and it's about me... Look, when we were flirting just now, that was hot but only because I thought you wanted to do it.  Once you say you don't do that, it sets me off, makes me worry you were never really into it."

"I don't want to be the guy who coerces you into something you don't want to do.  And when you do one thing and then say another, that's what you make me feel like."

"But that's not what I'm trying to do! I'm trying to tell you what the problem is, and how I'm feeling and none of it is your fault. I don't want you to feel bad about it," she told him firmly, probably sounding more sturdy than she had in any of their previous conversations. It didn't hurt that she stood up to face him, either.

"You wanted me to be honest, right? That's what this is. I'm trying to tell you that I know what I want," she said, stepping forward and reached for the fabric at his sides, hoping he wouldn't back away again. "I know what I want but I don't know how to get it, how to say it, how to... rationalize it in my head after a whole lifetime, no matter how short it's been compared to others, of being told that there's one way to have a relationship and that way is not this. I'm -- fighting everything that I'm used to for you, Sel. I don't..."

She looked down, dropping her hands. Her voice was much quieter when she went on, coming out as though she thought someone else would hear her and she didn't trust the truth with anybody but him.

"I don't know how to be what you want. I really am trying, and I did listen to him. And I hate not knowing things. I hate feeling stupid and lost and that's not your fault, it's mine. It's why I've been away so much. I've been thinking and trying to understand and I wanted to ask questions but I knew I couldn't ask you," she gestured rather lamely towards him with one hand, "because I always did it wrong. So I needed time to get it right this time. Even though I apparently didn't do that, either way, so I guess that plan didn't work."

Shaking her head, she looked up at him and took a little step forward again. "Please, Selwyn. I'm agreeing to this. I don't know how to talk about it yet, and I know that it sounds rude but I can't pick up the vocabulary in a day, or even a week. I don't want to be nervous about it anymore. I thought you knew I was trying, especially a few minutes ago. You know I never talk like that," she added with a sigh, though even Adrienne wasn't sure if she felt stupid or irritated with herself for having given it a shot. Even still, she swung her other hand towards the chair as she said it, making sure he understood.

"Do I need to try writing you letters, too? I think I'd actually be more embarrassed to have it in writing but, I mean, if that's what you want, then..." She trailed off with a shrug, both arms lifting out to the side as her shoulders lifted.

"I don't know if it's even possible for someone as... well, sheltered and reserved as me to be what you want, but I do wanna try. I just need you to have patience with me and tell me if you decide it's all just a big mess. Because I feel like a mess right now."

Running had always been Selwyn's modus operandi.  As soon as things started getting uncomfortable, he backed out.  He'd never wanted to run so badly as he did right now.

It felt like they were talking at cross-purposes, but Selwyn wasn't sure.  Perhaps they were talking about entirely different things.  Or perhaps they were talking about the same thing in different ways.  When Addie spoke, everything always came pouring out and he could never keep up.

"That's what I'm saying.  I don't want you to be what you think I want.  When I wrote that letter it wasn't because I wanted you to model yourself on it.  It was to get closer to you, because I never feel like I can.  I wanted you to know some of what I was thinking, that's all."

"I know you're trying," he said. "It's what you're trying to do that confuses me."

She desperately wanted to ask what, exactly, he did want her to do. But that went directly against what he was saying, so she leaned back on the edge of his desk and took a moment to think.

"I've never been any good at talking about myself. It's why I like my job. It's why I enjoyed teaching."

Adrienne frowned. He wanted to know what she was trying to do. The problem was that she didn't have a good answer for him. Well, there was one thing, she supposed. It was just going to take a great deal of effort for her to admit it out loud.

"I'm overcompensating," she decided slowly. Her gaze focused on her toes where they wiggled in her shoes. "I'm afraid of a lot of things, but this relationship is more frightening than it's supposed to be, because of what's happened. So I'm just... trying too hard, I guess."

She tilted her head to the side, but then her gaze snapped back up to his as realization dawned. "We've never even been on a date, you know. I'm pretty sure that's supposed to happen at some point. Maybe it would be better to start there."

Selwyn nodded.

"I kind of thought, before, that when the thing with Kaiden was sorted that you'd take a break.  Find your own place.  Have some time to be yourself for a while, you know?" he confessed.

"I mean, not that I mind having you at mine," he added hastily, "but slowing down is probably... smart?"

He cracked a smile at her suggestion; Selwyn had always thought dates were so cliché. They were the staple of romantic comedies, not something that happened in real life.

"If you like, I can court you like a proper gentleman," he agreed.