Hello before goodbye

"I didn't keep a single thing." She hoped her voice is calm as she wanted for it to be. Her lying techniques were excellent, but excellent would become awful every time she tried to fool Christian. The blonde guessed that every person has just one person to whom it's impossible to lie and not be revealed. For Nymeria that person was Christian. Before the bad things happen she has never tried to lie to him, she hasn't had a reason why. But after all that happen and after she saw him again there was a bunch of things she needed to hide for him. Hiding things from him was pretty new for her but although it was new experience but every cell of her body was screaming to her that this was wrong.

A smile appeared on her lips as she remembered their introduction. She was covered with a tiny fluffy pink towel when she bumped into him. She couldn't say it was his mistake, it's hers, she carried too much things and she simply didn't look around assuming she's alone on the floor as usual. Her father always worked till the late hours so she had a floor only for herself and she somehow managed to forget they'll have visitors although Adrien mentioned that at least three times earlier that day.

"Oh Christian, Christian, why would you think I still love you?" She took a forelock and started spinning it around her finger. It was an old habit and she did it only when she was upset, spinning her hair made her calmer. Every word he said hurt like hell. After three years, he's still able to shamelessly lie to her. He loves her? Ha! If he ever loved her he wouldn't do what he did. He wouldn't bumped her the way he did it. Without goodbye. It's not love. She wasn't sure what that was but she was sure she would never left someone she loved. That made her decision to leave Christian harder than it was before, because God knows there's an old flame still burning in her chest.

“We both know that's a lie. But let me ask you something Nym. Who are you lying to? Me or yourself? I know what I gave you, I remember every single thing. Are you scared to admit that because you think I may runaway again? I won’t. And that I can promise you. This time I won’t leave you because this time your father isn’t here and I’m sorry, I know how it sounds but that’s the fact.”
Christian hold his breath while talking. The silence that followed was the most uncomfortable silence ever. Christian felt relief when waiter brought them food. He started eating immediately, waiting for Nym to say something, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to stay. And he wasn't sure if he was telling the truth.

Christian wasn't sure if he can fulfill the promise he just gave. Sure he wanted to be with Nymeria, he wanted to erase last three years, but he wasn't one hundred percent sure that he could do it. He loved her too much and he would do anything for her, but loving her was his biggest weakness and it was something that was killing him slowly. Distance made him stronger, made him more careful and thoughtful. Nym made him the way he is today, and as much as he hated that version of himself, he knew it was better than what he was few years ago. He was sure that he could love her even more now, but he wasn't so sure if he would be able to let her in and let her love him.
Christian found himself at the point where he had to choose between himself and the one he loved. Between Nymeria and himself. The choice was easy, sure he’ll chose her. But was it the right call?

“Because I just know. If you don’t, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't mind if I’m in the same city like you or even in the same restaurant. But you did. If you don’t love me, you wouldn't keep all off this things, you would throw them away, long time ago. But you didn’t. You love me, and I love you. And I won’t go this time, but I just realize we can’t be together. We never should. We love each other too much, we are changing each other in the way we want. And it’s good, what we had was good. No, it was beautiful. And you can laugh Nymeria, but It was. And there you go, I said it. Nymeria. We can’t be together because we’re hurting each other, every step of the road and we always will. It is truth that I lied to you, I lie to myself all the time. I lie when I say I’m not in love with you, but here we are. After all these years I still am. ” He looked at the box next to the table. He was a bit scared of her reaction, but what he said was truth. Finally, he looked her in the eyes and smiled. “I know I wasn't there for you when you needed me, but I will be here from now on. I know it means nothing to you, but one day it may will. And till then, I believe we will just keep playing this little game of yours.”

Nym. He called her Nym. Not Nymeria. Nym. Although he said a lot more than just her namet hat was the most important thing she heard. She knew that must be weird but she kind of missed being called Nym. Well not precisely, she just missed him calling her Nym. It bought the old memories back. Nice ones. His little speech terrified Nymeria, the blonde was too scared to believe he's telling the truth, because if he's lying and if she falls on it she doubted she could go through all the hall ever again. There's no one to help her this time, and she isn't strong enough to did it all by herself.

But thinking Christian could stay this time give her a little hope, if that's true she's…she didn't know what to think. Yes, she still loved him even she tried to stop, to uproot that feeling, but it kept coming back until she gave up. Thought she loved him, she thought she need to be a little selfish this time, to think about herself, loving him is permanently, deep and passionate. Strong. Losing him was like being trapped in abyss of despair, with no way out.

"You bumped me because my father?" She was sure her face is showing all the shock she feels. Being bumped because father was even worse than any other reason she thought of. That left a bitter taste in her mouth. Only seeing the food made her want to vomit, so she pushed her plate away.

Although it was difficult, she couldn't imagine living without this guy again. Finding him again, made that even worse. Like she's an addict, and he's her drug. Binded together, destroying each other till there's nothing left to destroy. With the past as a permanent reminder of who they were and who they will never be again. Even if they make it that would be only a worthless shadow of their relationship years ago. Physically together but chained to the past, to better times. Not so painful times.

As far as he was good at expressing his feelings so she was bad. No, not bad, the worst. "You might run away again." Here it is. She said that aloud. Her grater fear revealed to him. Nymeria felt exposed thought she couldn't pull the words back. They had been spoken, it's over, and she can't do anything to undo that.

„So you lied before, when you said that he told you everything.“ Christian said calmly. He took one sip of his drink, thinking what else should he say. She shouldn't be involved, but she deserves to know. He took a big breath, leaning back in his chair before he started talking.  „You know that I joined the order few months before I came to Paris. So it was kind a my first big mission. Well, it was over in two months but I stayed. And you... you weren't the reason why I did. I stayed because I found some clues about those who murdered my mother. Months have passed before I fell in love with you, and when I did, I needed to go back to London. I needed to go back to my family. However, I stayed. And you were the reason why I did.“
He smiled a bit, remembering how things were much easier back then. Christian hoped that they can just erase past years and move on like they were never separated. But, they couldn't.

Christian tried to eat, but he lost his appetite. So instead of eating he took few more sips. Some kid behind Nymeria attracted his attention. The kid was jumping around, singing some song while his father was filming him. For a second, he forgot what he was talking about.
„Don’t get me wrong, but I hated myself for letting you in, for loving you. I wasn't the type of man who can afford that pleasure, to have someone to love, someone to share days with. However, you changed me. And I’m not proud of it, but I was proud of you for doing it. You know, you were the one.
So, I couldn't possibly stay away from you so I stayed with you. But then something happened. Something that I don’t wanna talk about, especially not with you. I don’t won’t you to get involved. I don’t want you to get hurt again. Anyways, your father and I had big fight that night. He told me to stay away from you but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. That night was the last time you saw me. I was thinking long and I realize your father was right. It was too risky to stay and I would never forgive myself if they did something to you. So that night I came into your room but you were sleeping. You woke up only to say hello. Next morning, I was gone.“

He wasn't sure what was more painful. Watching her sleep, knowing he will never touch her again; watching her heart broken, trying to find him; imagining her face when her father died; watching her face now.
Nymeria suffered enough, more than she deserves. Christian knew it was all because of him. Everyone around him were in the similar situation. Sebastien, last time Chris saw him he found out about Barbara. He broke in thousand peace and Christian wasn't sure if he had enough glue to fix his brother. Hayley, who was dying to tell Sebastien about diary, ever since she was kid. His mother died just after Christian told her he doesn't love her. Of cours, he only said that because she took his favorit toy.
His father, alcoholic. Everyone he ever loved ended up dead or broken. Maybe he should disappear again, but this time from everyone. Maybe it would be the best. For all of them.

But.

She was confused, scared, maybe angry. „Nym, all he ever did he did for you. He wanted you to be safe, and so do I. He’s not here anymore, but he will always be with you. And so will I. I made a promises, I told him that I will do anything for you. If you need me here I will be here. If you want me to go I will. But I will be here for you, no more running.“

She bit her lip realizing he caught her in the middle of the lie.

Nymeria didn't know what her father allegedly made and was pretty irritated knowing the man across from her knew but he didn't want to tell her. It's about her family, she had the right to know the truth. Even since her father passed before a while, the data that Christian was hiding from her might be important. It's her right to choose whether she wants to ignore them or not, not his. She's grown up enough to decide on her own without someone to make decisions for her.

"You know how to make a girl feel special." Nym laughed. She knew she's not the reason why he stayed there, it would be too unrealistic and arrogant to think so. Word is not not made up of dreams, nor it's some Disney's fairy tale. Thought she knew all that she was a bit disappointed. She guessed it hurts less just to think about that, it's harder to hear it spoken aloud.

When the food came, she pushed her plate away. It smelled wonderful but she was already feeling sick and only seeing food made her want to vomit. She couldn't understand how could he eat now. But, on the other hand he was the one who was breaking her dreams today, not the opposite, so why he couldn't eat along with that? He probably had the same conversation with zillions of women every day. It would be logical if he already get used to it.

Christian always knew how to express himself. The words would become meek coming out of his mouth, perfectly shaped, beautiful. Yet, how much of it is true? Listening him speaking decreased feeling of heaviness in her chest. She didn't like the bigger half of the spoken, they hurt her, but with each word she didn't like she felt more free. It was easier for her to make the final decision. She needed to leave him, leave this bistro, leave her former life and turn a new page. But why that seemed so difficult? She could imagine herself rising, moving away from the table, leaving without looking back but she couldn't realize that. No matter how hard she knew it's the best time for her to leave her legs were still fixed, She could not separate from the table, from him, not yet. Thought she couldn't see a happy end for the two of them, she stayed, rather choosing to live in a delusion from the past then choosing to move on without Christian.

Looking at him Nym concluded that she can't assume what's he thinking, anymore. She could do that before, but this man, although he looked like Christian she knew, was a big enigma. The one she doubted she can solve. All things she knew about him were about Chris in Paris, but how big is a difference between Chris from Paris and Christian now. She couldn't even imagine, but she guessed it's huge.

Go.

Leave.

"Stay."

Stop. Just stop. Stop thinking. Stop talking. Stop looking. Stop breathing.

She said stay. Did she? Or was it just his imagination? What did it mean? Stay. Like, stay here, in this moment, or stay forever? Christian choose the second option. Oh how hard he wanted to hear that word. He was sure now, sure that the girl of his dreams still loves him. Great, now when they passed that, they can move on, right? Right.

No. They can't. He can't let her in again. What if she's right, what if he hurts her again, accidentally? It was too risky at the moment. But who cares? They are meant to be together. They are in love. They don't need to ack anymore, she basically just admitted she still has feelings for him. Was it possible for her to forget these two years and move on like they never had been separated?

At the moment, Christian hated himself. He hated Nymeria. No, not really, he loved her more than he loved his life, which is why he hated himself. He was so confused, he was hurt. He wasn't ready to move on. He wanted. He loves her, he wants her, he needs her, he can't have her. Then he realized he is addicted to her. And there was nothing he could do about it.

Clenching his fists, Christian closed his eyes taking one big breath. He needed to take control over his minds, he wasn't strong enough. "Screw this. Nymeria, I love you. Believe me or don't, it's your choice. But I do. And you make me feel crazy, I can't even think straight. I wanted to push you away, I can't. I'm sorry. You have full control over me so I will do whatever you want. I just need you to know that."  
Words came out too fast. And it was said. It was done. He's done. Did he really thought he could stay away from her? Truth is, he can't. Still confuse, he called the waiter. Before he stood up he paid the. In the moment he wanted to turn and run away as fast as he can. But she said stay. So before he went, he kissed Nymeria in her forehead, and without any word walked out the restaurant, forgetting the box.