‘I love you’ was the purest thing a woman could ever say. For Theodore, the words sounded like music when spoken as quietly as his wife uttered them. It made his stomach turn with guilt in a way that he doubted his father’s ever had. Theodore had often heard his mother cry and worse still he’d listened to the tears of his aunts and that of his cousins-in-law. The women of the Rookwood family were precious yet thrown about as though they were commodities that could be replaced as easily as they were lost. If they were truly valued, there would not be a multitude of mistresses hanging about the manor in Sligo. If the Rookwood women were valued, there would be no need for any of the hardship they faced. But it was in the men to treat them as they did. As Theodore looked at Hallie, he realised that all he’d ever done to her was the same thing he’d watched his father do to his mother and he’d loathed that man ever since he’d realised what Thaddeus was doing to her.
“Hallie I’m so sorry,” he whispered fervently, sinking to his knees before her. “God, I don’t deserve you, you know that? I don’t want you to do any of that unless you’re sure. I was wrong before. I’ve just been so wrong this whole time and I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you.”
Theodore sighed, resting his head against her stomach, his fingers coming across her lower back. He did love this woman. Whether he’d damned himself or not, he loved her. He’d been so angry before. Regardless of his feelings he’d felt trapped and he didn’t know what to do with them or with himself and he’d struck out and hurt everything that he held dear to him. It hadn’t felt like a marriage before. Merlin knew he hadn’t put in the effort. He’d wanted to be different but he’d failed. He’d been the Rookwood he was always going to be. He slunk off and found himself women to warm his bed. He didn’t forget what he perceived as birth right – the allowance of mistresses. He bedded his father’s, making the old man even more livid at him than he was already, and he’d done the same with his brother’s fiancée. All of that and he still managed to simultaneously fall in love with Hallie. He supposed what he’d done was to take himself out of himself, to hide and believe that he was still at liberty – certainly, indeed, at liberty to take cheap shots at his family members. He hadn’t valued her. He was no different from the rest of them.
“Hallie,” Theodore lifted his head. “All I want is for us to work. And I need… Merlin. I need to marry you again. We can get divorced with a flourish and then remarry if you like,” he paused to shake his head, chuckling a little to himself, before going on, “I just … I need to feel like this is it and it wasn’t it when the Ministry forced us into this and I’ve been a shit and I haven’t kept my word, alright? I’ll admit it, I haven’t. I’ve not been good to you. But I was just livid and frustrated and I was a child and I know that’s not a good enough reason but, Hal, I’m still a child and a shit and I’m always frustrated and annoyed but I want to marry you,” he took hold of her hands, shaking them to make his point. “I want to do this properly. I want a do-over, I really do. I want you to want angry, frustrated, childish… stupid me and I want to give you everything I should’ve. Because I didn’t before and I need to make this all up to you. Sod the leg. Sod everything unless you want it. I’ll build a house on the moon for us if you want. I just… I want this and I don’t think I ever realised quite how much until… until I realised we could actually be a family. Proper… a proper family and I… I’m bloody terrified but I want to do things right this time, if you’ll have me.”