This Might Be It

Trisha Ivanov’s breakfast was officially ruined. Actually, that might have been an overstatement. She wasn’t quite sure yet, because she was the only one who had seen the news. Or if she wasn’t the only one who knew, she had a feeling that Caspian had yet to read the paper that currently was being wrinkled between her shaking fingers. Maybe if she burned it he wouldn’t have to. Out of the corner of her eye, Tris glanced through her curls to boy (well, he was more of a man, now, wasn’t he?) sitting next to her.

In the past several months, she had started to understand him better than she even understood herself. Regardless of any self doubt or confusion on her part, Caspian had kept her head on properly and somehow managed to help her stay grounded. Aside from his standing up for her when she needed it most, he had agreed to go to the alternate school that Professor Hayes had created for those who weren’t allowed at Hogwarts or no longer wanted to be there. Tris was definitely not interested in spending two more years at the school, so his place was far more preferable.  It was strange, she mused, to be in a different year than the kids her ages – aside from Daemon, perhaps, but she hadn’t seen him since she left Hogwarts. She hadn’t seen a lot of people since she had left.

Swallowing hard, Tris set down the paper, face up and slid it in his direction. Offering a weak attempt at a teasing smile, she pointed to the headline and asked, “So I guess I should be packing my bags, then, hmm?”

The law had been repealed. There was no reason for her to stay with him anymore if he didn’t want her. Sometimes, she was so sure that they would work out. That they – somehow – would have ended up together anyway. But at the same time, it was her. Things didn’t work out for her as a general rule. Biting her lip, Trisha glanced from Caspian to the paper and back again. If he said yes, she had a feeling her stomach would just fall out. She wasn’t one to cry, but the moment she left the room the tears would fall as well.

That was it, then. She adored him.

She wasn't sure if it was love, exactly. But then, she'd never experienced the idea of a "first love," so how was she to know for sure? The way her heart was aching at the idea of losing him made her think that, maybe, this might be it. It had only been a few months, but without him she would have been lost the entire time, just as she had been before they met. Before they were matched and his parents arranged that awful wedding mess. If she were being honest, her interest in him - as anything more than someone she was riding out the law with - started when he had first kissed her. In that moment, as she was so lost in her thoughts, Caspian had decided that he wouldn’t let her keep on mentally attacking herself, and effectively distracted her. She could remember it vividly – being reluctant to pull away, his almost attempt at continuing it regardless of her pulling away. The memory raced into her mind, unbidden, and her cheeks lit up with embarrassment.

This was up to him, her husband. It would feel strange to no longer call herself his, to not be allowed to run to him for help, just to lounge around with him at the end of a long day of classes, or preparing for exams so she would be able to take NEWTs with him when the time came. The sooner those ended, the better. The sooner he answered, just the same. She just wanted to know what he wanted so she could go on with it and keep from wasting his time if he no longer (or hadn’t ever) truly wanted her there.

Was it wrong for him to miss Hogwarts? It couldn't be, even though it had technically only been his home for a little while. He missed it more than he had ever missed Durmstrang when he had transferred from it to Hogwarts, but at Hogwarts he had made a lot of new friends, so it was probably okay that he missed them all. At least his best friend was with him.

And his wife.

Caspian didn't know how exactly it happened, but he had really started to fall for Trisha, in a way he thought he would never fall for someone. It was odd, like she knew him more than he even knew himself. And he had grown to love her. Yes love her. It had only been a few months since they had been married, and since his parents had tried to make her uncomfortable with the colors they had chosen for the wedding.

The boy looked down at the paper that Tris had set in front of him and he slowly picked it up as he head what it said. It was done, the law was gone now. His stomach dropped when she asked him if she should pack her bags. He wasn't going to let her go, he wasn't going to make her leave. He didn't want to abandon her, and he didn't want her to abandon him. He needed her, and he knew that in her own way, she needed him.

He looked at her and shook his head, a slight frown on his face. This wasn't going to happen, he wasn't going to let her go. "No." he said softly. "You shouldn't. You can't Tris. I don't want you to go anywhere." he told her, making sure that she knew he wasn't kidding or trying to be a jerk or anything. He really wanted her to stay, he had protected her from any insult from anyone for a reason. Not because he felt bad for her or anything - even though he would if it came to it, he protected her because he loved her and she was his wife.

Caspian leaned in closer to her and pressed his lips against hers. "Don't leave.. okay?" he asked her in almost a whisper, his voice cracking slightly.

Trisha let out a shaky breath at his reply, eying him warily like she couldn’t quite believe him even though she wanted to. She nodded, eyes wide as she looked up at him. He wanted her there. It wasn’t a revelation, exactly, but more of a confirmation of what he had said previously. Although he had only said the words a handful of times, they had been spoken on his part. But she had never wanted to lie to him by saying it back like she was certain. Lying to him wasn’t something she was okay with – not then, and not now.

He closed the distance between them, and though she kissed him back after his question, Tris pulled away far enough that she could rest her forehead against his. “Okay. I won’t.” The words were a breathy whisper as she nudged his nose wish her own.

Leaning back, she laced her fingers together behind his head, resting them on the nape of his neck. Swallowing once, hard, Trisha glanced between his eyes in an attempt to read him. “I don’t want to go, either.” She told him, voice more certain and straightforward than anything else she had said to him that morning. “Caspian, I-“

Tris paused, pulling her lower lip between her teeth for a moment. After a few blinks, she released it and did her best to recover herself. “Cass, I’m awful at explaining my feelings. You know that. But I’m… I’m glad it was you.” She nodded as though it would make her point more definitely or it might convince him more fully.

Glancing away, Trisha tried to convince herself that she could get the words out. That he would accept them. He had said, so easily, his feelings in the past. She just hoped he had been honest, or hadn’t been confused by his own feelings. Or that he hadn’t confused his heart and told it that she was all he could have. Her hands relaxed for a breath before she found what she wanted to say.

“Um,” she started, fingers pushing into his hair gently; she needed something to ground her before she spoke. She needed some way to guarantee that he would look at her as she said it. Even if she couldn’t actually look him in the eye. “Cass, if there’s somebody… If they’re free now, too, and you would rather…” Apparently, the words just did not want to come out. She changed tack and looked at him dead on. “If you want me, I’m yours. Indefinitely. As long as you want to keep me.”

Caspian felt tears well up in his eyes and he blinked a few times to hold them back. He didn't want to cry but at the same time he did. He wanted to show her that he didn't want her to leave, but he also knew that if she decided to leave he couldn't stop her. He wouldn't. But it didn't seem like she was going to leave unless he decided he wanted that. It wouldn't happen, he decided. He wasn't going to let Trisha go.

If she wasn't good at explaining her feelings, he couldn't be any better. The only time he'd told her he loved her, it'd come out awkwardly and his voice died off in the sentence before it had been said completely. When she hadn't responded back the same way, he'd felt kind if stupid and he'd refrained from saying it again until he felt she would answer back. But that time still didn't seem like it would come.

Caspian shook his head at her, tears finally falling from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. Everything she just said upset him, like she thought he would prefer someone else over her. A few months ago, when he had the chance to petition and change his match, when he'd had the chance to say there was someone else, he hadn't done it. He'd chosen to stay with her, so why would he decide he wanted someone else now?

"Tris, stop.." He said, eyes pleading. "Just stop, please. I don't want anyone else, I won't want anyone else. I promise, because I want you. Only you." He told her.

The law was what brought them together, but it's repeal wasn't going to separate them. Not as long as Caspian had a say. He'd grown to care a lot for Trisha, to love her and he wasn't going to let anything ruin that. Not now and not ever.

A wave of fear hit Trisha as his tears fell and he shook his head; did he feel bad for her? His head was saying ‘no,’ and in her mind that translated directly to a, ‘no, I don’t want you to stay.’ The last time she had been so afraid was when she had to go meet Caspian’s parents. Even the wedding hadn’t been so daunting as that, and hadn’t affected her as strongly as his saying no did. Tris stared at him, unsure why she was so very scared that he might ask her to leave.

He spoke though, and she let out a sudden sigh of relief, the weight of his rejecting her lifted and dissipated. The sheer relaxation she felt surprised her, making her wonder what, exactly, she wanted. His words made her chest ache, but in a rather beautiful sort of way. A warm smile lit her face, fingers curling further into his hair and pulling him in for another kiss. While she wasn’t ever adverse to Caspian’s affections, it wasn’t too very frequently that she initiated their touches or kisses; she had gotten better as of late, though, she knew. That, however, was due to the fact that as the months passed, she didn’t want Caspian to think that she wasn’t trying or didn’t want to be around him. The problem, she knew, was that she had tried to tell herself that through acting like they were dating, she would grow to love him as he needed her to. It just felt so strange to know that they were actually married, that her name had changed, and that she would be with him forever.

Especially now that he rejected her fear and sent it away.

Trisha couldn’t care less that their breakfast was getting cold, and this showed as she turned in her chair to face him as she passed her lips over his. When the need to breathe could no longer be ignored, Tris pulled back and hovered a few inches in front of him. “Cass, I-“ She paused, trying to figure out how to word exactly how she felt in that moment. A realization of precisely what she wanted to say hit her so suddenly she almost didn’t believe it herself. “Caspian,” she started again, voice serious though the warmth remained. “I’m far too late in saying this, but… the idea that I might lose you is terrifying and painful. I've realized that I’ve cared about you since the beginning. I don’t know when exactly it started, but Cass… I love you.”

Tris nearly stared at him, amazed that she had gotten the words out. They were true, though. Never had she wanted to say them more, and never had she said them to anyone besides her family. Even those times were rare, Trisha noted. Her hands were shaking, though she didn’t realize it until she had stopped speaking. She dropped her hands back to his shoulders in an attempt to cover it up, though she probably failed. The words sank into her, much like she imagined they were doing for him, and she felt a ridiculous giddiness come over her. “I love you.” She grinned, eyes creasing at the corners as the smile lit her face.

When everything had started, Caspian had been afraid. He'd been afraid of being matched with someone he didn't love, or worse someone he couldn't learn to love. But there was something else that had scared him even more. He wondered what would happen if he fell in love with his match and she never loved him back. So when the law was repealed, he'd be left alone because she would prefer someone else instead of him.

At one point or another, he had thought that was going to happen with Tris since she barely returned his affections, if she ever did it. She mostly just put up with them, and at some points that had scared him because he had begun to fall for her and it rarely seemed like she had done the same for him.

A lot of times, Caspian had just thought he was overreacting. That he was letting his mind get the best of him, but no matter how hard he tried, the thought was always there. She was going to to end up leaving him at some point. It's what he always thought, but now, after seeing how much she didn't want to leave, Caspian admitted that he was probably wrong. That she actually wanted to stay with him.

He had to admit that he was caught by surprise when she kissed him. He'd always been the one to start any kind of affection between the two of them, so being the one caught almost completely off guard was kind of strange to him, though it was quickly accepted and he pushed his lips against hers, kissing her back. After she pulled away, Caspian couldn't erase the smile that had formed on his lips as he listened to what she said.

"You're right, you are late." he chuckled and leaned forward to press his lips against hers again. "I love you too Tris." he spoke into the kiss, pulling himself away slightly so his words weren't muffled as he said them.

It was different, Trisha decided, with someone you loved. Affection from other was most always welcome, though it would be a lie to say she didn’t feel guilty when he moved to kiss her or hold her to him. Without the ability to claim adoration in return, she hadn’t quite felt like she deserved his attentions. But now the words were out, Tris just wanted to cling to him and act in that way she had never been able to before. He gave the sentiment back to her, and she couldn’t help her ridiculous grin in reply. Caspian saying those words, she decided immediately, was her favorite sound in the world.

A breathy laugh escaped her, born out of sheer happiness. A clatter from upstairs made her jump, reminding Trisha that they weren’t at the Krum Manor anymore, and that her siblings were all in the house. Her parents, having gone to talk to a client, were (luckily) not in the house. It was strange, she decided, to be staying with her folks for a bit. It was scary, as Trisha imagined it must have been for many people, to start on ones own at her age. Caspian was a year older, but even he wasn’t necessarily of the mindset where he wanted to settle down. They didn’t have the money, per se, for their own place, and Tris couldn’t ask her family for help in that area. They were already on the poorer side, with so many of them and with a career choice so minimalistic.

It was insanely lucky that Tris’s brother, Connor, had made friends with an entrepreneur who was less cold-hearted than he acted. The man apparently had a soft spot for those down on their luck and in need of someone to push them along. Connor claimed the man had invested a large bit of money into the orphanage he had come from, so Tris was pretty sure the man couldn’t be as bad as he seemed. By the end of the week, it was entirely possible that they could have their own house, paid in full. As embarrassing as it was, Trisha had decided that, even if Cass laughed at her for it, she would be sure to pay the man back somehow. She couldn’t say precisely when or how, but she was determined.

“Cass,” she started, turning back to look at him. “Let’s get out of the house.” As much as she suddenly wanted to drag him upstairs and curl up against him, she certainly didn’t want anyone thinking they were sleeping late and barging in. “Let’s just go somewhere just us. No siblings or parents or talks about clients.” Leaning in, she brushed her nose against his, stealing quick kisses regardless of the fact that he was trying to answer.

Funny, Tris thought, that now that she had accepted the truth about her feelings for Caspian, she couldn’t quite move away, didn’t want to be proven wrong in her admission.