An Utterly Unremarkable Correspondence In Which Who Art The Greatest Arsehole Of All Is Under Debate

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An Utterly Unremarkable Correspondence In Which Who Art The Greatest Arsehole Of All Is Under Debate

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Post by Fred Weasley II Tue Oct 15, 2013 7:57 am


To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 3, 2025
Time: 13:26:04

To Whosoever It May Concern,

I need the latest reports on the Humboldt Constricted Base Dagger. And yes, that includes records on any possible enchantments it might hold. Your predecessor nearly caused one of my associates to lose a limb. Picture is enclosed.

An Utterly Unremarkable Correspondence In Which Who Art The Greatest Arsehole Of All Is Under Debate W-tdifw510b

On that aforementioned topic, congratulations on being assigned to the case. You can't possibly exceed Marvin's idiocy.

Unspeakable,
F.W

Fred Weasley II
Fred Weasley II
Gryffindor Graduate
Gryffindor Graduate

Number of posts : 65
Occupation : Unspeakable | Owner of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

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Post by Claire Bishop Wed Oct 16, 2013 1:18 am


To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 3, 2025
Time: 16:04:52

F.W.,

I'm sorry about the incident with your associate. We have not yet expanded our protocol to factor in variables of incompetency in your department's responses.

Your congratulations is noted. You'd be surprised on that point, I've found it incredibly possible. Take a quick trip to the Magical Sporting Department.


Humboldt Constricted Base Dagger


  • Used in [4] murders
  • in [9] assaults
  • with [2] muggle witnesses
  • recovered in : Hagåtña, Guam
  • enchantments :
    Vein Opening Curse
    Perpetual Sharpness Hex
    Poison Vein Curse

This should suffice.

C. Bishop
Claire Bishop
Claire Bishop
Durmstrang Graduate
Durmstrang Graduate

Number of posts : 193
Occupation : Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

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Post by Fred Weasley II Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:48 am

To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 3, 2025
Time: 17:49:43


C. Bishop,

The Vein Opening and Perpetual Sharpness Hex has been neutralized. The Poison Vein Hex is proving to be a little more resistant to my colleagues, but if required will soon be dismantled by yours truly. The magical signatures have been recorded. However, the magical residue shows indications of fusion of different genera of magic: Indian, as well as modern styles being the most probable.

In idiot, that means the enchantments have been reinforced lately. That requires quite a lot of magical power.

F.W

P.S: Usually, the name of the person last heard of handling it/group associated with it is considered to be a part of the report.

P.P.S: Yes, that does mean I’m asking you to give it.

P.P.P.S: “Variables of incompetency” in our department? You Enforcement types do love it with the ill-deserved condescension, don’t you?  

Fred Weasley II
Fred Weasley II
Gryffindor Graduate
Gryffindor Graduate

Number of posts : 65
Occupation : Unspeakable | Owner of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

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Post by Claire Bishop Fri Oct 18, 2013 6:32 am


To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 3, 2025
Time: 16:04:52

F.W.,

No need to translate, I understand Idiot but, alas, cannot respond in kind for I do not speak it.

If the Poison Hex remains, feel free to access some of the gauntlets used in my department for handling such items. I can send one of my trained monkeys to you - that's why I took on so many interns after all.

C. Bishop.

P.S. That would be pertinent information, had I not already punished the employee responsible. And before that is currently under investigation. Unless your department now prefers guesswork above fact. In which case I blame the nargles that The Quibbler keeps discussing.

P.P.S. Love is too strong a word. Please don't suppose we put too much time or effort into considering such incompetency.
Claire Bishop
Claire Bishop
Durmstrang Graduate
Durmstrang Graduate

Number of posts : 193
Occupation : Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

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Post by Fred Weasley II Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:12 pm

To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 5, 2025
Time: 10:10:04



C. Bishop,

Delayed yes, but the gratitude for your unnecessary offer has been felt, and now expressed. Refraining from such offers in the future is welcomed, since it is merely a waste of ink and parchment and they will not be required, needless accepted.

After two days of research, some new evidence has cropped up. We have detected the magical signature of the wizard who last enchanted the blade. Detectors have found residue of the same in the Mississippi Basin, in and around New Orleans. A little more conclusive than guesswork, you agree?

F.W

P.S: Tracking down the aforementioned wizard is your department's responsibility, not ours. We do detest overstepping our lines, but little can be done when some are incapable of doing their own job.

P.P.S: Nargles? You're British?

P.P.P.S: My friend owns the Quibbler. He would like to know that the quality of his magazine's readership is declining.
Fred Weasley II
Fred Weasley II
Gryffindor Graduate
Gryffindor Graduate

Number of posts : 65
Occupation : Unspeakable | Owner of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

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Post by Claire Bishop Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:52 pm


To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 5, 2025
Time: 12:19:13

F.W.,

I've heard that offering a warm hand of help to your neighbors could be of use - I see my mistake now and promise to refrain from doing so ever again.

I am very pleased with your findings and congratulate you on doing your job. As you know, our department only has the funding for preliminary screening, which we have repeatedly expressed out displeasure with - perhaps you can work out the mystery of that.

C. Bishop.

P.S. We were only waiting on you, good sir. You can rest assured we will find your man.

P.P.S. British? Heaven forbid. British grandmother - yes. Some of it may have slipped into my upbringing.

P.P.P.S. I'm sure your friend will be so displeased to hear one of the Quibbler's three readers is of lesser merit. If it helps, it is a very dedicated third reader he has.
Claire Bishop
Claire Bishop
Durmstrang Graduate
Durmstrang Graduate

Number of posts : 193
Occupation : Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

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Post by Fred Weasley II Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:30 am


To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 15, 2025
Time: 01:13:29

C. Bishop,

So even the Budget Committee realises how useless your Department is.

Its been ten days, and we are yet to hear of any progress made whatsoever on tracking down the enchanter. Maybe the funding isn't such a mystery after all.

F.W.

P.S: If you indeed have made some progress, and simply haven't informed us yet, then my sincerest apologies. Typical, you Aurors always did love snatching away all the glory.

P.P.S: One or two Aurors should not attempt to take the enchanter down alone, the magical signals are powerful.

P.P.P.S: And no Madam Bishop, for a change I'm not trying to be insulting, and actually advising you in all seriousness not to confront the wizard alone.



And to answer your last question yet to be inked, the flourishes you give at the end of your 'P''s are quite feminine.
Fred Weasley II
Fred Weasley II
Gryffindor Graduate
Gryffindor Graduate

Number of posts : 65
Occupation : Unspeakable | Owner of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

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Post by Claire Bishop Wed Oct 30, 2013 5:53 am


To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 16, 2025
Time: 8:03:01

F.W.,

I understand that you may get paid to do relatively nothing, but we in The Department of Law And Enforcement have more work beyond humoring you and your department.

Rest assured, however, your man was brought in last night actually - life's funny, isn't it? Arrest report is attached.

I sincrely apologize for doing my job. In the future, I will remember to drop anything to play nanny for you. We'll inform the Minister of my change in job title.

C. Bishop.

P.S. I could be a very feminine man.

P.P.S. But you could not ignore, I suppose, the obvious tact, wit, and good sense in my writing that simply is not present in that of a man's. I am indeed a female.

P.P.P.S. I just got word that another case is coming in that will require collaboration between our departments. Riddle me this? What is the cross between immense agitation and mild amusement?
Claire Bishop
Claire Bishop
Durmstrang Graduate
Durmstrang Graduate

Number of posts : 193
Occupation : Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

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Post by Fred Weasley II Tue Nov 05, 2013 5:03 pm


To,
The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 15, 2025
Time: 01:13:29

C. Bishop,

We tracked your man down for you, Miss Bishop. We neutralised the curses on the dagger. I didn't realise that qualified as 'relatively nothing' for you, and so bow before a woman with such incredibly high expectations. How do you live with yourself? Or more specifically, how do your colleagues live with you?

You have all my commendations for the change in post. I rest assured that you will end up doing rather more work as a nanny, than an Auror.

No offence intended, naturally.

Mild amusement and immense agitation? That would be the onset of the flu.

F.W,

P.S: What modesty.

P.P.S Your next question yet to be inked, why the shift from Madam to Miss? What I 'could not ignore' was actually the extreme priggishness and frustration in your writing. The words of a woman who....ah, to put it crudely, isn't getting any.


Spoiler:
Fred Weasley II
Fred Weasley II
Gryffindor Graduate
Gryffindor Graduate

Number of posts : 65
Occupation : Unspeakable | Owner of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

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Post by Claire Bishop Thu Nov 14, 2013 9:19 pm

(is the gif supposed to be an attached picture?)


To,
The Department of Mysteries
Fifth Floor
The Ministry of Magic

The Department of Law And Enforcement
Third Floor
The Ministry of Magic

Dated: January 15, 2025
Time: 04:21:02

F.W.,

I live quite comfortably with myself, in fact. I cannot speak for others. I'm sure you can find a rumor or two to help you there. But isn't your job to find the questions to such answers?

I'm not an Auror. I suggest you watch your tone. If I were an Auror, I guarantee you I would have left to nanny already.

Let us treat this flu before it spreads then, shall we? Attached is a small vial. This substance has been finding its way into what was considered straightforward scenes of natural deaths. As this is the fourth time this substance has been found, the lower-level geniuses have come to the hypothesis that perhaps there is some sort of link (I believe the term here is 'duh') and that the deaths may be suspicious (double 'duh.') We need an analysis on this vial while my team looks for more connections between the deaths.

C. Bishop

P.S: Those who call confidence a lack of modesty, often are thinking only of their own deficiencies.

P.P.S You're so right. You clever, clever man. Take me now.

P.P.P.S. Was that the response you were fishing for?

Claire Bishop
Claire Bishop
Durmstrang Graduate
Durmstrang Graduate

Number of posts : 193
Occupation : Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

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