As a teenager, Theodore remembered being rather unsettled by those who preferred the pleasurable company of men, being men themselves, over women. It was a point of view that had been born out of ignorance and bigotry and though he’d been rather disquieted about the whole ‘torrid affair’ that went on behind the scenes of regular Pureblood circles, he’d come to be rather accepting.
He didn’t, however, find himself a man who would indulge in such things, believing his self to be a woman’s man and a man to whom women should flock - the latter an opinion that surfaces on his more elaborately arrogant days. However, sitting in the Ministry was beginning to make him wonder about the merits of taking up with the Transfiguration Professor at Hogwarts. Merlin knew the man would probably give Theodore less trouble than either woman on her lonesome or the two combined.
Rising from his chair, finding that his glass was disappointingly empty, Theodore moved over to the sideboard that held a number of crystal bottles full with amber liquid. One even housed a litre of lime green liquor he knew would probably be Absinthe if he dared to sample it. Theodore stuck with the whisky, however, his mind only half computing the vitriol the woman he hoped in time would be the first of his former wives was spewing.
“You can care all you like, love, about the integrity of our children’s conception. If you hang about in the Wizengamot enough you’ll pick things up. It appears similarly in the Third Reich though I doubt you’ll get a mother’s medal for your trouble. A one thousand mark loan, it was. Reichmarks at the time, I believe. Two hundred and fifty you could keep for every child you had. So if you had four you were absolved of your loan and obviously you purchased a house or a Volkswagen or shares in the Nazi party - whatever you like.”
He removed the stopper from the whisky and poured in a more generous amount than what Ana had afforded him and set the bottle back down after replacing the crystal cap once more.
“This is the same. They offer us a nice place to live - though certainly didn’t bargain on a twenty-six million pound property, naturally - and we use their loan to pay for the rent or the down payment or whatever it is in order to keep the place. This is for the poorer of the unfortunate swots. And then of course, there’s the job progression. The delightful and expected promotions to round off our trio of bribes. It’s published in the Quibbler; I’ll have you know, Lady Levski. I have no time for the drivel your propaganda machine spits out. Krum, where are the tongs for your ice?”
Theodore reached down and opened one of the drawers, expecting the tongs to be in there. Instead what he found was a mess of paperwork, an empty pot of jam and a creature that looked distinctly like a Pygmy Puff. But it wasn’t - was it? It was rainbow coloured with huge eyes and an impish grin on its face. It looked up from the jam pot, turned over on its side, and stared up at Theodore with an expression that closely mirrored his - half-surprise, half total dismay at the interruption. The Pygmy didn’t seem to care, however, and instead leapt from the drawer, making a noise that sounded faintly similar to: ‘Geronimo!’
Theodore stepped back, oddly bemused by the little creature, but his eyes widened as, following the leader, easily a thousand Pygmy Puffs, each one as rainbow coloured as the next, erupted like a tidal wave out of the drawer and onto the floor. They scurried quicker than he’d ever seen animals move, a large plume of rainbow coloured fluff, and didn’t stop until they’d scaled the Minister’s desk, looking all the world for a moment like a giant tea cosy fashioned to suit a desk, and only halted once they’d covered the man’s entire desk, absorbing all of the paperwork beneath them.
Aptly, it was then that Theodore found the tongs and chuckled to himself before tossing in a few blocks of ice.
“This wasn’t mentioned in the Wizengamot,” Theodore commented congenially as he crossed the room to sit back down. “They are quite cute though.” He conceded, reaching forward to pluck one of the large, palm-sized Pygmy Puffs off of the desk. He held it out to Hallie, a slight smirk on his lips. “It won’t bite,” He assured her briefly. “You’re welcome to call this thing Robert Toby Cooper. As for the child, we’ll discuss that later.”
Theodore sat back in the chair after picking up a Pygmy Puff for himself and sat it in his lap while he waited for Ana and Elijah to begin their spiel once more. Theodore put his index finger in his whisky for a moment before taking it out and offering it to the Puffskien who hesitated but soon enough clamped his or her lips around Theodore’s finger, licking lean the skin and savouring every tingle of the Firewhisky on its little tongue.
“Well, I’m sold.” He commented idly as he observed the little creature. “You might get further if you present Pygmy Puffs to every couple you meet, Krum. Can I have one? I hesitate to open another drawer because I’d imagine the same amount would pop out, no? So, when are we going to do this fertility test thing? I presume it’ll be quick, painless and non-invasive. I would hasten to remind you both that while you’re politicians and inherently soulless and I have nothing to be ashamed of, we are in the presence of a lady who, no doubt, would appreciate some privacy. But don’t worry about it, if you didn’t have cause enough to throw me in Azkaban, hurt the blonde and you’ll have an assault and battery charge to place upon my person.”
And despite his words, Theodore even managed a sweet smile for them - as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.