Will You Hate Me Now?

Chase seized Jack and Jack stared at her, her shoulders stiffening under Chase's touch. For the monster Jack was, they should have been burning. "Wanting something and having the capabilities to do something are two completely different things, Chase," Jack said in a flat tone, her eyebrows low over her green eyes, making her look dangerous.

People had a bad habit of preaching what they needed to learn most. Someone should have told her months ago, before she got invested so heabily in rehabilitating Vito. Had she not, she would not have come to care for him, and when this was figured out, she could have had no problem wanting to get rid of him, rid the world of his evilness. But it was not his fault, was it? She was the monster. Vito was nothing in comparison.

"I don't want to just hear it," Jack insisted. "I want you to feel it. I know you're lying, I can feel when people hate me. When they hate me, this beautiful wrath fills me up and just makes me hooked on their dark hatred and then I can know that I'm not rotten, that other people feel it. You can't just say it, Chase. I need you to really mean it."

Chase stared at Jack, seeing that dark.. almost scary look in her eyes. She spoke about needing her to hate her.. needing her to not want to be with her.. actually feeling it. But Chase couldn't... she just.. couldn't.. She shook her head, taking a few steps back from Jack. "I can't Jack.. I just can't.. do you not know me at all? Have I not said it enough? I can't hate you Jack.. no matter how much I wished I could, if only for your benefit.." She stared at her friend sadly, and slowly sat back down on the blanket.

"Jack.. do you really want to be hated? W..Why would you want to be? It's such a lonely feeling.. being truly hated.. not having friends... being alone.." Chase stared straight ahead, and running her fingers across a scar that ran across her stomach. "When you have no other feeling in the world then that you are totally alone.. and that no matter how much you try.. you will hurt the people you do care about.. it's a sad feeling.. and I don't know if you want to feel it.." She said slowly looking up at Jack.

"Do you really want to feel that alone? Do you really think that will solve your problems? Because it doesn't... it doesn't solve anything... Because.. even if people hate you... even if you want to believe they do.. they still like you.. hate is such a strong word that most people aren't capable of.. So Jack.. I can't hate you.. because.. I feel as though even if I convinced you I hated you... I'd still be worried about you... I'd still want to help you.. so just admit it to yourself.. your stuck with me Jack Dyllan.. now eat, before it gets bad.." She said, picking up a can of soda and popping the lid off of it.

Jack stared at chase. Did Chase honestly think Jack had not felt hated? Did Chase think that Jack had quit all of her friendships when she met Chase, because Jack had not ever introduced Chase to any of her other friends. That was because until the end of the her sixth year, Jack had not had a friend. The closest thing she had to a friend was her cousin. Sometimes her brother.

Vito.

She did not like people, and people called her every name in the book. She was considered a rotten person, simply because she did not get along with people. She had a crude sense of humor and she liked to prank.. yes. And obviously that meant she did not have feelings, and therefore she was incapable og being happy and making friends. Jack stared at Chase. "Do you think this whole friendshipthing for me is old pat? Really? I've been hated the better part of my life. I'm not trying to throw a pity party, I'm stating a fact."

"I can solve my own problems, thank you. when other people try they just end up hurt, and if you care about me, you know I can't take any more on my conscience. I'm so weighted down by it, I'm surprised I can stand up straight." She sighed. "You can't just convince me without feeling it." She closed her eyes, ignoring Chase's request to eat. "I'm tired, Chase."

Chase looked at Jack sadly. "Do you think I've always been loved Jack?" She asked after a long moment of silence. "Do you honestly think that I've been cared for and loved my entire life?" She looked up at Jack sadly and sighed, taking a small sip of the drink. "I feel as though you think I've always had it my way..." She looked up at the sky for a moment, feeling rather sad now. "I act like I have... so that people don't worry." She sighed and fell back on the picnic cloth, laying on her back and closing her eyes. "Jack... why can't we just be honest with each other? Why can't we just... always say what we feel? I just.. want to know.. I want to know why you feel as though you can't trust me with how you feel.. I've always felt left out of your life.. like.. I'm someone not to be trusted, and all I want to do is help.."

Chase opened her eyes and propped herself up, looking at Jack. "At school.. you always look so popular.. everyone talked about you.. 'Jack is so cool, did you hear that she won the game for Gryffindor again?' 'Yeah, I wish she was in our house!' Every.. single.. day.. and I'd sit there.. thinking about our time at Loch Ness.. or.. sitting and eating brownies, and knowing that no one even knew that I knew you.." She said and carefully pulled the golden chess piece necklace out from under her shirt carefully. "Everyday.. 'Jack is leading the Potter's Army! She's so awesome!' Do you even realize that Jack? Do you realize that people actually liked you a lot.. but you were so.. scary... you had such a cross look on your face, and wouldn't let anyone near you... So they didn't.." Chase sighed and looked at her. "And what did I hear about myself? 'oh that Chase chick got herself pregnant.. she's so stupid...' 'Did you see Chase in Transfiguration yesterday? She's such an airhead.." Chase couldn't help it, she wiped her eyes, and laid back down flat on the grass. "Everyone envyed you.. and they all thought I was an airheaded slut.. so I acted even more airheaded.. so that I could fool myself into thinking it didn't hurt so much.."

Jack tried to patiently listen to Chase as they had calmed down a little bit and the hostility had begun to shrink away, but there were so many brewing emotions beneath eveything that it took all of her self control to not begin shouting, or to kick something over, or do what she desperately wanted to do the most, just turn around and walk away.

She said Jack had never let Chase in, had never trusted her and Jack began to chuckle. She put her hands on her knees and bent over as though she were catching her breath, though she chuckled and shook her head. "I never trusted you Chase? I tried- and I never trust anyone. Anyone. I might have thought to try harder if you had not made it clear I could not even be trusted to know about my only friends' relationship. I heard all the rumor's after the fact. A bunch of people knew about it, before I had. How can you trust someone if they've made it clear they can't trust you?"

Chase began to speak, claiming Jack had looked popular. "The way things look and the way things are are different." She continued on, but Jack was unaffected. She finally said, "That was one year, Chase. How many people liked you year 1 through 6, huh? I hear rumors too, and never was there anything bad about you. People talked about how nice you were and how much trouble you always seemed to get yourself into. Didn't stop boys from crushing on you, girls from being your friends."

Jack crossed her arms. "Look, year 1 through 6, no one liked me. So I got tough, I became scary because if I didn't, I'd get eaten alive. I'm not going to apologize for doing what I had to when I survived. People liked me when I won them a match- what happened when I lost? What did all the people outside of PA really think? Unless I was doing something for them, I was back to b!tch. Back to bully. And if I had not become that, I would not have let myself live to seventh year."

She shook her head. "You may have been called things, but you had Andrew, or Elijah, or Adam, or Calvin, or whoever at the time. I know Khaat and Jen watched out for you. It was a raw deal you got cut, yeah. I had to kick the ass of that kid Philip Cornith. But you got out. I had no one- inside or outside- for a long time. And I had to deal. You need to make up your mind. You keep saying you don't want me to worry, and you don't want my sympathy. And then you start on these sob sotries everytime you're trying to get ME to open up. I don't get it."

Chase was out of things to say. She didn't know what to do anymore.. Jack didn't want her as a friend.. that's what she was getting out of this... Jack wanted Chase to hate her.. for what? For making the monster that had killed her family... was that hate worthy? Chase fell into deep thought. To some people.. sure, for most people actually...but for Chase? Chase just didn't understand that emotion... if Jack hadn't of created Vito, she'd have never met Calvin. She would have never had Katie.. but.. Jack had told her exactly why she should hate her.. and she knew now that Jack didn't even like her... So why did Jack feel so defiant?

Chase sighed and sat up carefully, looking at Jack. "Okay.. so... you don't want to be friends.. and you don't like me? Then... why do you still talk to me? Why did you have to tell me about your connection with Vito? Instead of just letting me live in peaceful ignorance?" She looked at Jack seriously. Not smiling, not crying.. It was odd seeing Chase act so.. normal. She shrugged her shoulders. "So does this mean You hate Me? Or do you want Me to hate you?" She shook her head. "I talk about myself.. in a way to help.. connect myself with what is going on.. I mean... it's my way of trying to show you that you aren't alone..." She sighed and looked down at her hands, thinking hard.

"Just tell me Jack.. do you want me to go?" She looked up at her friend carefully. "Do you want me to go.. knowing that I don't hate you.. but that I'm wiling to go if you want me too.. I don't know what you want! I want to know what you want! I'm tired of knowing what I want.. I need to know.." she looked at Jack seriously, biting her lower lip, trying to keep eye contact, unblinking, trying to show her just how truthful she was being.

Jack stared at Chase processing all of her the information that was coming at her. She just.. She just wanted all of this to be simpler. Really. She wanted everything to be okay. She wanted things to be normal. She wanted Chase to do the normal thing and hate her, because knowing Chase didn't hate her meant that Jack was so much worse. Meant that if Chase was capable of overcoming hate, that Jack should be expected to as well.

"It's not that! I want you to realize all I've done! I'd be a terrible friend if I let you be okay with this. If you told me about someone who had done all this to you, I'd kick their ass. I can't kick my own ass, Chase! I wish I could, but I can't! Why can't you just be angry with me, yell at me, the way I deserve to be screamed at. I deserve it, don't I? Yes, I do!" she answered her own question.

"I don't hate you," Jack explained, her voice full of exasperation. "I hate that you won't hate me, that's the way this is supposed to go!" She sighed at Chase's words. "I don't want to ruin your picnic. I've ruined enough. I just don't know what to do. If you won't hate me, then I don't know. I'd be terrible to just leave you, but I shouldn't risk being around you either. I screw people over without meaning to.."

"Jack! I do realize.. everything that Vito has done... but Jack... you haven't hurt me.. Just because Vito did.. doesn't mean you are responsible for it! It's like saying that.. that... the creator of duct tape is responsible for every time someone was smothered when duct tape was put over their mouth! Or saying that the creator of peanut butter is responsible for everytime someone was stupid, and was allergic to peanuts.. but ate it anyway!" Chase shook her head. "You didn't tell Vito to kill my family Jack! That was his own choice! You barely even KNEW me back then!" Chase stared at Jack, and leaned towards her slightly. Chase couldn't help but laugh when Jack told her to yell at her. "Because I'm such an effective angry person aren't I?" She said shaking her head. "When I yell at you.. I don't feel any better.. I don't feel any stronger.. and I feel like there is no reason..." Chase sighed and took another drink of her pop.

"I'm not supposed to hate you Jack... I can be upset with you.. I can be thoroughly angry at you... but I can't hate you... hate is such a strong word.. a word that I don't ever remember feeling... I've felt sad.. but not hate anyone.." Chase stared at Jack for a long moment. "Jack.. there is no risk when you are around me! You.. you don't cause bad things to happen! If anything I'm the one that causes it to happen! Me and my stupid big mouth.. my ability to not stop talking... my inability to hate..." Chase stared at Jack and then sighed, running her hand through her short hair again. "Jack.. I don't hate you, because there is no reason to hate you... It's possible for me to feel upset with you.. but nothing more then that.. I'm.. sorry Jack.." She took a deep breath, and stared at the ground again, running her fingers over the blanket she was sitting on.

Jack dropped her gaze, unable to fight with Chase anymore because by fighting her and treating her with such hostility that it was doing the very opposite of what Jack wanted- hurting her. Jack had always said she wanted Chase to be safe and happy. By yelling at her and begging her to hate her, Jack was only putting Chase through more. Chase just did not understand how much better she would be without having Jack to worry about. When Jack had told Ariel, she had only hoped beyond all hope that he would still manage to care about her and not be disgusted with her. When it came to Ari, she was a little more selfish. It was a mark of their friendship that Jack wanted Chase to be upset with her.

Jack reached her hands up to her face and rubbed her eyes and cheeks vigorously, her head throbbing painfully with the events of the day. “Chase,” she said. “One day, it’s going to hit you what I did to you, how bad I was, what evil things I did to you. How I did not protect you, and how I pretty much ruined your life. You’ll realize it and then you’ll be angry, and I’ll understand. As for now, I’m just going to do whatever I can to make it up to you and if that’s letting you forgive me, then okay. Just know that I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” And with that she stood and walked off, to upset to have Chase talk her into thinking otherwise.