Remorse

After a moment of silence, and the kettle getting done, and tea being made, Felix looked back up at Khaat. What did she think of him? This convict who sat chained in the chair before her. Face a mess, hair growing wild, an odd wild look in his eyes, that was slowly starting to be tamed. What did she think of him? What did the guards think of him? When they dragged him down the hall, chained him to the chairs he was forced to sit in, watched as he slowly drove himself mad with the help of the dementors that their protronus's happily helped to keep away.. what did they think of him? In some ways, Felix looked like the shadow of the man he had been, still wild, still crazy, but completely different mentally. He had come into this room, lost, and alone, starved, crazy.. and with a few simple words by the woman in front of him.. the well dressed, mannered, sophisticated in every way woman, and she had changed his life completely.

Felix felt himself smile as he took a moment to examine their surroundings. They were in a room at the wizard prison Azkaban, he was a deranged, captured convict, clothes filthy, hair a mess, a beard growing on his chin, wild in every way, and opposite of the table, sat a beautiful woman, nicely clothed, well-mannered, and groomed. Perfectly composed, sitting upright and drinking tea. He smoked, she drank her flavored hot water. He couldn't help but chuckle as he examined the situation. Not to long ago, their roles had been reversed, she had been chained to table, to the walls, her mind so far gone she had been lost to almost everything but the most expert healing at St. Mungos. His mind flashed back to the empty look in her eyes when he shoved a knife into her side, needles below her fingernails, pain beyond pain. An odd wild look reappeared in his eyes.

"No!" Felix cried out audibly, and dropped his cigarette, his hands flying up to his ears, his entire body starting to shake once more. "No... I won't... stop it.." He whispered as he rocked slightly in his chair. "Damn Dementors.. make the worst memories.. damn them.. Damn them all back to hell where they came from." He gasped holding onto his head as his mind recalled the wonderful feelings he was going to miss, torture, death, seeing the light leave someone's eyes, as they died, was it worth it? If he got out of here.. he could continue the path he had been going on.. if he got out.. he could be free.. but when he got out.. he wouldn't be Felix as he remembered himself.. he'd be Felix Barker.. reformed man.. the first known reformed man he could think of, who actually made it somewhere in the world.. his eyes brightened.

He could be known.. and not for his evil deeds, he could be known, and respected, people would like him.. look at him as they looked at Khaat. Felix looked up at Khaat as though trying to imagine seeing himself on the other side of the table. "You'll have to work hard on me ma'am... my mind seems to have gone a bit funky from the Dementors.." He said after a long moment. The world would see him, they would look at him, and see him as a man who was capable of change, as a man who could overcome even the worst obstacles, of course people would know his past, and fear him and respect him, expecting him to go off the edge at any moment, especially in the beginning, but as it was..one day.. he could sit there, neatly groomed, in charge, and in control.. he had a chance to live, and live happily.. why would he throw that away for a woman? A woman who had only caused him pain.

"I want to reform Khaat... I want to do it... I'll work hard.. I'll do anything you ask me to.. I'll become who you want me to be.. I'll never even look at the people I used to work with.. N....Nao..Naomi is a thing of the past..she is dead to me..." He had to force her name out, oh how it hurt to say the word! A name he had once revered, now he could only speak it in a whisper, speak it after lots of stammering, she was dead to him, and as he had said it, his eyes hardened, and he sat up straighter. "I will do what you want.. I want to be like you.. I want to help people, not hurt them..I want to help.. please, tell me how.." He pleaded, staring at her from across the table, his hands on the arms of his chair, staring at her, wanting her guidance, needing her to help change him into the man she wanted him to be.

Felix could already tell his whole world was starting to change, just by the way she looked at him. He listened as she spoke, and knew what she said was true, there would be battles to go through, battles in his own mind, battles against his own will to do harm, and the will of others that he do harm, he would have to fight against his whole way of thinking for the rest of his life. He couldn't let himself fall back into that pit of despair, he had to stay strong, for himself, for others, he had to do it.. if he didn't.. he was lost, and he would rather be dead then to face the Dementors again, he would rather be dead then go through the torture his own mind put on itself, then to feel the things he had once thought wonderful. He would rather be dead, then to hurt anything more then he already had.

Felix watched as Khaat started to order two guards around, and then looked at him. He gulped slightly and followed the Guards out of the room, watching as they pulled him, not nicely, but not meanly from the room, and took him to what appeared to be the holding cell they had put him in before his trial. He was placed in a chair, and turned over to a few other people, who looked thoroughly bored with their job, it probably wasn't everyday they had to actually do this part of their job, and they were pretty inexperienced. He was let in to take a shower, and shave, his hair was trimmed up, and he was given some decent clothes to wear. After maybe 15 minutes or so, he looked a million times better, and felt better too. He hadn't realized how gross being like that made him feel, until after he was clean again.

Taken back to the room, his chains still attached to his wrists and ankles, he was put back into the room Khaat was in. "How do I look?" Felix asked, looking at Khaat with an twinkle in his eyes. A twinkle that had NEVER been there before, even when he was doing his art, he had never actually looked like he was happy, until that moment, when he revelled in his appearance, knowing he was hot, knowing that if he truely wanted to, he could get any girl he set his mind on, just by looks and personality alone, leave aside the fact that he was a madman murderer, and Felix had a truely unique way of not showing that aspect of his personality, he looked truely like a gentleman now, and he smiled at Khaat. The only thing out of place was the chains, which a guard was holding onto, looking suspiciously at Khaat, and then at Felix, wondering what was up.

Felix couldn't help but smirk at the way Khaat treated the guards. As they rushed out, he lifted an eyebrow. "What were they thinking?" He asked, amused. He had to admit that it was scary as hell to think that Khaat could see right into his head, hear what he was thinking.. she would know what it was like.. what he was feeling.. that was a scary thought, knowing she was in there without him knowing it himself. Unless she wasn't... how would he know? Felix cleared his throat and glanced down at the chains before leaning back in his chair, it was obvious he felt more at ease. Back in his game, when he felt, and was sexy. It changed his whole demeanor. "work? I didn't do anything.. here and there I'd pick up a muggle job.. but besides that.. I'm rich in muggle money, because I took the things from the people I killed.. it was simple as that.. got quite a bit too.." He said lazily and flicked a speck of dust off of his pants.

"What do I want to be?" He smirked slightly and shook his head. "I feel like I'm at my head of house office again... 'what do you want to be when you grow up Felix?'" He shrugged his shoulders. "I actually wanted to work in the Ministry.. Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures... I took every Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures class Hogwarts offered... Even got NEWTs for them too.. shortly after graduating I quit looking for a job in that office and joined up with the Death Eaters.. stopped thinking about it ever since.. and to be honest, my expectations will have to be a lot lower then Ministry.. seeing as I'd be a reformed convict.. who kidnapped and tortured Khaat Lupin.. not good for my image if you know what I mean.." He said shaking his head.

"And.. the only other thing.." He stopped and itched his nose. "To be honest.. this sounds sort of dumb... kinda wacky coming from my mouth.. Making things grow.. it was always something I wanted to do... even in that warehouse.. I kept plants... if I had a flat that had an outdoor area.. I even had a garden once..." He laughed loudly. "Odd... but I love being able to watch as that tiny little seed... grew up into something special... Then.. if I was careful enough, and I felt I planted it right.. I'd make them into potions... of course..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "Often times these potions weren't.. the greatest of effects... some were downright nasty.. but.. I would make potions... so yeah.. I'd love to help Creatures.. but.. maybe my own shop? Sell ingredients.. or... you know.. tell people my story if I needed to... advertise that bad people can be good... deep inside.. show them that no matter how bad you are.. you can turn your life around." He ran his hand over his jaw and glanced up at her, waiting to see the laughter that was bound to come.

An image of his father popped into his head. "Planting again? Are you gay?! Get out of the dirt boy!" A smack.. it usually worked to get Felix to stop doing whatever he was planting, but still.. no matter how much it hurt when his father smacked him like that... he still planted.. helped to feed his family sometimes.. the things he made.. helped to feed himself after his mother left him.. it saved his life many times... even with the memory of his father smacking him, every time he touched the soil, he still longed to do it.. even in Azkaban... to feel fresh dirt.. to be able to make something.. it was one thing he longed for most.

[OOC: So.. who knew? I sure didn't... I definitely just made that up, and it actually works pretty well XD]

Felix smirked slightly and looked at the woman in front of him. She couldn't be THAT much older then him.. she didn't look old at all, and Felix himself was pushing his years these days, not that he was showing it at all.. but still.. to think that those men would think of something as dirty as that.. did they even stop to think of what Khaat was like? Of her life? Her loved one.. Felix stopped himself there, no.. no they weren't.. they weren't thinking of her life, or the impact they could have on her.. no they weren't, and Felix knew, because they were him, well.. in a lesser form.. not to the extent that Felix had taken it.. but.. they still didn't know how words, phrases, even thoughts could affect someone's life. Felix closed his eyes, and listened as Khaat spoke.

This wasn't for real.. she had to be joking.. things like this actually existed outside of what the ministry told you to make you happy? What they said actually was real? Felix stared in disbelief at Khaat for a moment. "Yes! Yes, that is perfectly acceptable! Yes, I know that I'll be watched, I've been watched, and will be watched for a very long time.. I'll be watched I get it.. but.. seriously? You're letting me do this?!" He said his eyes locked on her. He couldn't hide his disbelief as he stared at her. He was ecstatic, he never thought... his days in his cell... he had basically given up hope of ever being able to feel clean soil again. Ever feel it between his fingers, unless of course it was for when they buried him, and that thought usually turned his attention to death and misery, but.. to be able to grow things.. difficult things.. things that would be a challenge in this environment.. something to work at.. it gave him an odd thrill he hadn't ever expected to feel again. That thrill of something more.. it was almost the kind of feeling he got when the light was leaving someone's eyes.. that feeling.. he hadn't known it could exist anywhere else.. and yet. here it was... he was given a challenge he had to complete, and it made him so happy he could burst.

All he could do was smile and stare at Khaat. Shaking his head in disbelief. "Anything to get out of here.. anything.. to show people that I'm not all bad.. I hate being hated... and I want to fix that.. if doing what I love is what it takes.. well then sign me up baby!" He said with a laugh, and nearly forgetting his chains attempted to stand up, but fell back in his seat, his smile leaving his face for a moment, as he stared at his chains. He'd be watched... calculated... they would be making sure he was perfect before they let him out again.. he stared at his chains, like a lost child, unsure of what to do. "What if I can't do it Khaat? What if I fail.. what happens?" He asked softly, unable to look up at the woman who was helping him..

Felix looked up at Khaat, and for once in his life, was relieved to hear her act as though there wasn't a chance, no consoling words, no grief over his plight.. just plain and simple, 'you won't fail' and it was like a light had been turned on. Felix looked up at her finally when she summoned the paper, and motioned a table over. The chains were lengthened, and for a second, the flash of taking control of this woman one last time, the temptation was so strong, he could grab her easily as she handed him the pen to write with, grab her wrist and not let go. A shadow passed over his face and he hesitated as he stared at the pen in her hand. Suddenly his hand shot forward, and he grabbed the pen, turning his face away from her, he started to scribble words onto the paper.

His face was dark, his brow furrowed as he wrote down some essential gardening supplies, things like a few different sizes of pots, a sunlamp (There was NO sun here in Azkaban), small things like spades and fresh soil. At one point he wrote down a small knife, but crossed it out, and kept going. He would never be allowed a knife.. probably ever in his life, and he shouldn't get his hopes up for something that deadly to ever enter his hands again. Though a hand spade was pretty dangerous if wielded right. He stared at his list, and frowned. She was supplying the plant, and he had written enough on here to make a plant thrive in this environment, but something was missing. Finally he shook his head and handed her the paper. His eyes locking onto hers, that odd dark look still prevalent in his gaze.

"Thank you Khaat.." He said in a hoarse whisper, his eyes locked on her before he carefully let go of the paper he hadn't realized he was still holding onto tightly. "I really.. I don't think.. I just.. I don't think you know how much it means to me.. to have you let me have a second chance.. you should want me dead.. locked in a chamber, and tortured until I was wishing I was dead.. instead, you give me a second chance.. I just.." He had to stop and stare off into the distance for a long moment. "I'm not quite sure how to place what I feel.. I've never felt it before." he muttered darkly, his eyes staring at the table in front of him, his eyes straying sometimes to the chains around his wrists. "I just want to thank you.. for everything..." He said and his eyes found hers again, unsure of how he should act now.