Dear Diary,
Here I am again.. so much like what I used to be before I even lost my memory... so much has happened since I last even looked at this silly old thing. But here it is.. and I guess, try not to judge me to much, because I am not a bad person, I have made some mistakes, and I know I'm an idiot, but I need someone to understand me. Someone who won't judge, and won't comment, and will just....... listen. It all happened this summer.
I had just moved back in with my parents, things were fine. Except that I had been attacked a few days before, by a woman who had given me the scar on my back. I was in Diagon Alley for some reason or another, when she pretended to be nice, and then got me down an alley.. and.. well she hurt me bad, and before I knew it, I had a large scar on my stomach.. and she was gone... I nearly died that night, but I don't even remember all the details. I remember being told to scream... and I fought, I fought so hard... but it wasn't like I could stand against her, there was no way to... I got home alright, healed up, but got the scar I have on my stomach now. Moving onto the real important stuff however.
It had been raining for two days straight, and I was sitting in the den, with a book and Dragon, in front of the fire. One of the maids came up, and asked if they could go home, I said of course, because their houses were flooding, and I offered the house to them in case they got flooded out. They all left, and I was just heading back to my room, when Dragon heard someone at the door. I thought it might be a stranded traveler, we got those a lot! So I opened the door, and a completely dry man steps inside...
I can't tell the rest of the details it was to.. no.. I just remember, he went invisible, and I stood there for what seemed like hours, until he was suddenly right behind me, had me stuck up against him, told me to call my parents, or he'd make me scream, and they would come down anyway. So I called them, told them he was in the den... and he left me.. Max and Clara came down... and this horrible man, he raped my mother, and then he went into the bathroom... Clara ran in to my mom, and I held Max back, I cornered the man, got him bound, and the door had shut, and locked, and Max was looking through the keyhole... Max yelled that the room was full of water, and suddenly the entire door burst open, so much water collapsed on us... me and the man hit the door, and I blacked out.
I woke up to the sound of the rain, the front doors were wide open, and pieces of wood were all around me.. and my family lay in a circle around me.... dead. I don't know how long I sat there, but someone came up.. told me to join this thing in Hogwarts, the Death Eaters would help me, make things better, kill the man who killed my family, the man who said he was an auror... then he was gone, and a dog was in my house... I told it to go away, I was very much tempted to join this thing at Hogwarts, until I went back to my room, started to pack, and then the door burst open, and Sophia came in.. she let me go to her house.. and there I stayed, until it was attacked by a demon...
I ran... and went to Hogsmeade.. and ran into Andrew Thompson..He was so sweet.. I met him, he had a girlfriend... I stayed in the Three Broomsticks that night, and he was there the next day. We hit it off.. and made friends, and he took me back to Sophias.. And he kissed me.. kissed me and we felt horrible.. but that's how it started. [tear stain]
We met again in Hogsmeade not to long after, but... this time, he was single, and I thought I would try and attract his attention, by doing something.. exciting! You know.. like Gryffindors like to do, be all.. exciting.. and explore things... but then it came out, that we liked each other, and I moved in with Andrew. Everything was good.. except that first night, because well.. I had the nightmares again, and my back hurt, and Andrew didn't know what to do. He just had to wait for it to abate, before I could tell him what happened...
There was a time period here, before it went bad... that I had the best time of my life. I had always known Jack, the short, fiery, redheaded Gryffindor. But it was here that I really got to know her. We all met up, me, Andrew, and Jack at Honeydukes, and ate brownies.. it was the best ever! And then we all apparated to Scottland, to Loch Ness Lake, and dived in, and found the Loch Ness Monster! It's huge! Jack managed to get on it's back, and Andrew was hit pretty hard. We found it's lair in the bottom of the lake, and found a beautiful golden chess piece! But suddenly Nessie came back, and was staring me full in the eyes, before Jack got it's attention, and we all managed to swim to the surface, except Andrew hurt his leg really bad, I managed to heal it, without scarring, but it was scary. Jack had to go.. and after she was gone, me and Andrew.. well we snuck off and got together in the woods.. if you know what I mean... But that was probably the only good thing this summer...
But I also went through some pretty horrible things. Like being attacked by Vito Dee Symons.. He followed me and got me down an alley, beat me up something horrible. He would have killed me too, he had broken a few ribs, a few fingers, and I was bleeding pretty aweful. I was almost dead, he had me slammed up against a wall, when I kneed him, and he blacked out for like, two seconds. And then he pulled his wand on me, and Cruciod me.. did I ever mention how much I hate that spell? I screamed, and out of nowhere, there was no pain, I crumpled, and someone else was screaming. Jack had come.. and jumped right in the line of fire, taking the spell. It was the worst pain I had ever felt, like he hated me and everything about me, and suddenly it was on Jack. She fell to the ground, and it got all blurry, I don't know what happened until I woke up in St. Mungos a while after.
Not to long after that, I was walking in that same area, when I was attacked by a demon. I was gripping my wand, hard because I was pissed, I was remembering the attack, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a Gargoyle dive bombed me! I ran back to the back of that alley, and a huge, ugly.. pig thing came up. Well, I tried to be brave, I was tired of being pushed down into the dirt and stomped on.. watched as I cried, it was how I lost my family! I wouldn't take it.. but just as I found out what hurt him.. he broke my wand, and I ran... I ran for my life, only to be cornered again. He threw me into a wall so hard I dented the bricks, and the gargoyle trapped me under it, he killed his gargoyle friend, and then left me there... left me among the wreckage, and at that moment.. Andrew showed up. Now.. both times that I had been attacked, I was actually sneaking out of the house, so when he saw me.. covered in blood, bruised ribs, and other, “I've just been attacked” signs, he flipped out. Saved me... and then got angry... Took me home, and we didn't talk of it again.
After the attack from Vito.. I decided I needed to know why he hated me so much, why he wanted me dead.. So I dressed as a slut... and went to his bar known as “satin's” And had the name “Clara Bow” I managed to find him just as he was going upstairs with an dancer from his club.
Somehow, through acting, I managed to get him, upstairs and alone, and he was pissed at being fooled. But he did offer to answer my questions, but for a price, I had to do a “good deed” For every answer... so I got incredibly drunk, and let me tell you diary, when I get drunk, I get sexual. I kissed him.. the man who had raped and murdered my mother and the rest of my family.. I kissed him! He told me why.. he told me he had been bored. BORED! Well... I managed to not have sex with him, even though he wanted to. And he left angrily, before I left.. I smashed his mirror, and I bet that was a great surprise for him when he came back up. But I got away fine.. except I had to deal with Andrew..
I got home, and I was horribly drunk, I smelt like cigarette smoke, and I had just snuck out.. which he really didn't like. So we argued... a lot, yelled a lot, luckily nothing was broken. But we finally made up, and while I was still pretty drunk, we had sex.. and a lot of sex at that... Finally in the morning, everything was alright... except it was time to go to Hogwarts.
This is where everything gets so messed up. There was a dance right? And Jack finally found out about me and Andrew, and she wasn't happy, except we weren't happy either, because she was with Vito! At the dance, full of ministry employees, and she came with the man who murdered my family.. so me and Andrew were ticked, we told her to choose who she would be friends with, the murdering liar, or.. us.. and she chose HIM! She choose to be with VITO! I was so.. I was hurt, and I felt betrayed.. but I didn't hate her... no I hated him, for what he had done to me, he took my family away, he took my best friend away.. and that was only the start of it.
On the train ride back.. now that I only had Andrew in the world... everything was fine, but suddenly, it wasn't. He had been thinking, and suddenly... he didn't want to date me anymore. He said we were better off apart, because Ne'Os would come back, and target me... so what does he do? He breaks up with me.. and it.. it tore my soul apart, it really did. Just when I was finally starting to feel happy, the first time I had really smiled since my parents died.. he ripped the rug out from under my feet, and I hit a spiral down to the lowest low I could get.
I told him to go away and leave me alone. I didn't want to see him, ever again, he had just thrown me down, and stomped on me.. made me feel like a fool. Made me feel like my feelings for him, were so much stronger then he ever though of me, and he was just making up the excuse “To protect me” As a nice way to let me down... I hit rock bottom... and I cried, I cried for so long, I'm not sure, but suddenly Jack was there, talking to me, asking what happened... and then she wasn't there. I'm almost positive I imagined her there. I don't think she would have come back for me like that. Not Jack.. she had VITO to worry about.. not me.. not me and my worries. I was with Andrew, and she didn't care.
While I was in that compartment, I realized how truly alone I was in the world. I had no family, no friends... from a girl who used to be insanely popular, with all the friends I could ever ask for.. to having no one... it was a real shock. But then I realized, in that same time period, that I hated being alone. I hated hated hated it! So I vowed that I would put it behind me, I would help people like me.. and I would get over it... Just as I got over that, I left the compartment, to find that the train had been attacked by Demons.. DEMONS! The same ones that had driven me out of Sophia's home, the same ones that had attacked me in London... they had attacked the train.. and killed three people. A student, the driver, and the candy lady. And hurt a lot more.
So I helped wherever I could.. and I guess.. that's where I met Elijah Krum. I had just walked into the dining cart.. and was faced with the most gruesome site, I have ever seen. And I hope I never see it again. There were body parts dripping from the ceiling, blood was everywhere... a kid had been exploded... I asked a simple question, “Are there any teachers?” And this kid, A Slytherin boy, insulted me. Said something about me being a disgrace to all redheads, and that the Potters need redheads to multiply.. and I was sick of it. So I marched up to him, I say marched, even though it was more like I was sliding up to him, with all of the blood everywhere, but anyway, I marched up to him and told him off. Saying that I didn't appreciate his attitude, and that if he was any help at all, he'd use whatever his tiny slytherin brain had managed to let in, and help me clean up the mess.
He seemed pretty shocked, and then I told him off for smoking... but then asked for one, because ever since Vito's, I got into that bad habit.. that and drinking. It just helps me calm down and think ya know diary? Well, he said I could after things were cleaned up, and I went off to see if the driver was dead. He was, and then when I came back, so many people were looking for help, so many needed healed, I told Elijah about the driver, and he went off, and I started to heal people. Well, after I could do as much as I could, I went off to find Elijah (By this time I REALLY needed a drink and a smoke) I have to admit, Elijah was very cute, and I was flattered that he had invited me to get a drink. Well I found him in the drivers compartment, and we ran into Jack there...
Diary... there are a few things that people can't stand the look of. Things that make them sick, make them feel horrible, or left out, dejected, hurt... all of these emotions, I felt when Jack bumped into me in the corridor, and said.. (And this was engraved so deeply into my head, I know the exact quote) "It's okay, Andrew's not around. Who's to tell if you and Elijah get cozy, eh?" I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but all I could say was that he had cigarettes, and I wanted them. How horrible can I be? But I didn't know at that time... that he would not only turn into my best friend, but he would have such a big part of my life. Moving on.. I went to Elijah's compartment, and we had a few drinks, smoked a bit, and he told me he was a painter, I looked through his sketches, and they were beautiful diary! I could never do anything as stunning as these pictures of these models. They were absolutely gorgeous, and he is a great artist.
So.. somehow or another, we talk and end up missing the carriages, but it was okay, I mean, we had booze, cigarettes, and each other. So it wasn't that bad at all! Until we were standing right in front of the school, and he leaned in, and kissed me. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe he had been wanting to kiss me all along, I don't know, but he did! And I was in so much need of comfort, of someone to be nice to me, of someone to be my friend, I kissed him back. Just as I was kissing him back though, I felt a hand on my arm, and I was thrown backwards, and Elijah was punched, by the one person I wasn't expecting.
Andrew.
He went off on how he still loved me, how he only broke up with me because he was trying to protect me from Ne'Os... and how he wouldn't hesitate to kill Elijah if he kissed me again. Hah, now that I look back on it.. Eli would probably be ten times over dead... because he's kissed me so many times since then. Well, Andrew turned around and asked me out again, said he wanted me back.. and.. I was so confused. He wanted me back! But my head was screaming at me, it kept telling me that it would be idiotic to go back to him, because what if he thought I needed to be 'protected' again, what if he left me again. Some people might say, well it's worth the risk, but in this case it wasn't. I felt like a piece of meat to him, like he only wanted me because he could have sex... and I didn't want that. I want someone to look at me, and not see my body... but see my eyes.. look at me, and like me because I'm a nice person... or because of something I did.. sure, your body can get you noticed, but for most guys, they don't try to delve deeper then that.
I was so scared.. I said I needed to be alone, and I fled. I ran as fast as I could away from him. But not to shortly after that, someone caught my wrist, and my waist, and spun me into his chest. It was Elijah.. he had followed me! I broke down.. I was tipsy, I was tired, and I was confused. I had just made up my mind that I was done with him! And there he was, trying to get me back... I didn't know what to do.. so I poured my life story out to Elijah, how my parents had been killed this summer... how he had broken up with me, and left me all alone. I didn't know what else to do, I had to let someone know.. I had to convey to someone WHY I had said no to Andrew. Because no one else would understand. But he did.. and he held me, and he talked to me, and calmed me down. But I think the one thing that made it really special, was that he didn't make a move on me... he didn't try to kiss me, or take advantage of me. He just.. talked to me..And it was what I needed all along.
We missed the feast, but we went to the kitchens after that, and talked... Well, shortly after that we found out about the triwizard tournament.. which would be hosted at Hogwarts again... and I was feeling really stressed out, I had managed to make a few acquaintances in my own house, but it didn't feel right, I missed my friends! I miss brownies outside of Honeydukes, and battling the Loch Ness Monster.. I missed them terribly.. no.. I MISS them terribly, but it won't ever be the same... I was feeling stressed, so I found an empty classroom.. and had a smoke, when Andrew came upon me.. We talked a bit, and I explained to him, why we couldn't be together, we needed time apart, we needed to take a break.. and that was the last time I ever kissed him.
Shortly after that, he found me on the grounds, and demanded that I be with him, or never think of it again, and I shot him down. Diary.. I was so horrible... I told him I regretted the summer, and that he was just a fling.. I was so horrible to him. And.. I hate myself for how I acted, but I felt so cornered, I was tired of being locked away like I was some kind of prize, I was tired of not being able to do my own thing, and I was tired of the sex! So much sex! It wasn't fair.. it wasn't nice, but I told him no.. and he left.
This is where I hit some... relapses, it was like I was being taken off a drug, and my body didn't know how to handle it. I started to think about my family.. and once, right before it rained, I wrote them all a letter, and cried so hard.. and nearly drowned in the water that was coming down had Elijah not found me... he held me, and then I had another painful experience. My back, and my stomach, the new scar from Nerezza burned so badly, I couldn't do anything. Elijah freaked out about it, but he at least held me most of the time. Then he took me off to get dry and warm, and we got a horrible cold after that.
A few days after that, me, Jack, and Andrew decided to get together... we talked about how we wanted to stay friends, how it would be nice if we could.. but I realized.. I wasn't welcome there anymore. Jack and Andrew were friends, and I wasn't in there anymore. I didn't belong in their group. I didn't belong anywhere anymore... so I left, and they stayed together, once again, I was alone in the world. Only having Elijah this time.
One day.. Elijah sent me a note, saying for me to come up to the Room of Requirement, a little sketch on how to get there, and a date and time, and it told me he was going to paint me. I was so excited, so that day I dressed really comfy, and went up to the seventh floor. I knew he would be painting me wrapped in a sheet, and it was all I could do to keep from shivering. I got into the room, and he couldn't stop staring at me. The tension between us got so palpable you could cut it with a knife! He would kiss my shoulder, and tease my hair, and when he was trying to give me the right kind of hair, he said something about not cutting corners.
I was so shocked at first, until I realized what it meant, it meant he wanted to have sex with me.. he wanted to throw me onto the bed and have sex... and that's when I realized, I wanted it to. So I asked him if he was saying what I thought he was saying.. and he said yes. He picked me up, took me to the bed, and.. well, we had sex. I woke up, and it was so great, he finished painting me, and everything was fine! Until four weeks later..
I hadn't been feeling good that day, so I went to the nurse, and she took one look at me, and knew what was wrong. I was kind of worried at first, when she handed me some vitamins, and then looked at me very seriously and said “Chase, you're pregnant.. you need to go tell the father.” My mind was such a haze, I had no idea what to do! So I took the vitamins, and ran all the way to the Slytherin Common Room, where I banged on the wall, pleading for someone to send Elijah out. I was so shocked, so horribly afraid.. it was on the way down that I knew, if he didn't come out, if he said he didn't want the baby, if he didn't want me... I would be all alone in this. I wouldn't have any support, I would be all alone in the world, me and my baby. I was so afraid, I was so near tears, that when he came out, I almost collapsed.
I asked him to go to a room with me, and I broke the news to him. He didn't say anything at first, then he kept asking questions, but cut himself off again. Like “Are you sure it's mine?” And “How? Well I know how but how could this happen?!” And I told him: "I'm keeping it..I would like you to stay.. but.. if you don't want to... I don't blame you for walking out, it was a one time deal that ended up in a lot longer then a one time thing. If you want to walk out, now is the time to do it.. so that I can.. I can gather myself.." And do you know what he did? He looked at me for a long time, and then fell to his knees in front of me.. and asked what color we should make the baby's room...
It was like the entire world had come off my shoulders, every ounce of fear I had had disappeared in a streak of baby blues and pinks. He is staying with me! I won't be alone! I was so.. relieved! I didn't know what else I could do, but he hugged me, held me, and kept me close, and I realized, I was the luckiest girl on earth. Well. I thought so then...
Not to long after that, I was down in the kitchens, when I ran into Jack... The last time we had talked, we had decided to be friends, but I had realized that I wasn't in their group anymore. We could never go back to how we had been. So I decided.. she deserved to know that I was pregnant.. me and Andrew hadn't told her that we were going out, and I decided to make it up to her, better she know from me, then from a rumor.. So I went to her, and told her.. and the worst thing that could have happened.. happened. She was upset... hah upset is an understatement. She started screaming at me. Asking if I was insane, stupid, or selfish. She screamed at me.. told me to stop crying. Was so angry.. and she said something about not being able to cry.. and I was so angry, so upset, so I yelled back.
I feel sorry for the poor House Elves, we stood there, screaming at each other, she said she hadn't been able to cry. I told her she could have! We kept yelling.. until she threw something at the wall, and I pulled out my wand on her. I wasn't going to hit her with a spell, but I was afraid she would first. And she stopped, she looked so startled, like I had actually hit her with a spell when I had pulled out my wand. What she said.. it hurt me so much.. I almost cried "I'm not going to hurt you, I...You... You think I was going to hurt you. You... I'm not Vito, Chase." And then I started to apologize.. And I apologized for everything.. EVERYTHING! I know exactly what I said too.. because it needed to be said!
[shaky handwriting]
“I'm sorry. I know it doesn't help anything, but sometimes it helps to hear it... I'm sorry I messed with your life, I'm sorry that I got in the way, and made you choose, I'm sorry that this all happened. I'm sorry I care to much for you... so much that I didn't want you around him, in case he hurt you.."
"I'm sorry me and Andrew never told you about us, I'm sorry we didn't work out..I'm sorry we completely ruined your thoughts for what friends are... I'm sorry we won't ever eat brownies outside of Honeydukes again.. I'm sorry I'm pregnant.. I'm sorry that alcohol makes me sexual, but if it helps.. I wasn't drunk when me and Elijah were together.. and either was he...That didn't help... I'm sorry I smoke... even though I can't now, because it'll hurt it.”
"I'm sorry I can't just say I don't care, because I do... and I wish I didn't, I'm sorry that I wish you were happy.. and that we could look at each other again without a glare in our gaze..I'm sorry... that this doesn't help anything, even though I wish it did.. I'm sorry I wish that it did..I'm sorry I yelled at you, and called you a hypocrite, I'm sorry that I made you so angry that you threw something.. and I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for all of that and more.. I'm sorry I disappointed you... I wish I could go back, but I can't.. and that's what you keep telling me, we have to live with our mistakes, and I'm sorry that I wish you could forgive me, even though you can't either..."
“I'm going back to my Common Room.... I'm... I'm sorry."
[large tear stain]
I ran away after that.
I met with the Herbology teacher the next day. And found a new friend in the staff. I was late to packing up my stuff, and she asked me if it was his bastard child, or if it was legitimate.. we talked.. and she gave me wine that was okay for the baby, it wouldn't hurt it! I was so happy, we talked about stuff, and I realized just how valuable she would be, she could get me robes that would hide my baby from the school, and I made a friend, because we both have a passion for clothes. You know.. I think I might start making them again.. I miss it... well, after I met with her.. I went to St. Mungos.. and for a second, I almost thought I wouldn't be pregnant, they put my hair in a vial, and if it turned green.. I was pregnant.. if it was pink, I wasn't... no in between.. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, it was the brightest shade of green I had ever seen. She gave me a potion for morning sickness, a pamphlet that had a diet for me to follow, and some vitamins.. and she also gave me something else I needed.
She gave me a person to contact if I needed help. She gave me a person I could talk to, someone who knew Elijah, and now she knew me, and knew that I had no family, and I was alone on my side, but she told me something I had been needing to hear. She said that I wasn't alone in this anymore, that I had someone to turn to.. and I hugged her, and she is dealing with my teachers, and getting everything set for me in school. I feel so much.. better... but now.. I have to talk to Elijah... I'm going to meet with him in the Room of Requirement, we are going to settle everything out. What we want to do, and we are going to get to know each other, because right now.. it's what we need the most. I want to know the man who is going to be the father of my child, and now.. I feel better then I have in a long time, so... it's the best thing I could do right now.
My life is so messed up right now Diary. My old friends hate me, my new friends are Death Eater teachers, and heads of St. Mungos.. The girl with no family, is having a baby, with a guy who has so much family it's not funny. I just.. I'm happy now.. I realized that I'm better off with this baby.. then I was without it, because without it, I'd still be trying to be friends with Jack and Andrew, I'd still be alone except for Elijah, who could easily just throw me to the side. And now? I have new friends, I have someone to talk to, and I have a home... something I haven't had since my family died. I have a home Diary.. and I think I'm going to make it.
Chase Moor
by 