I don't care anymore...

Matt apparated to Grimmauld Place, he found it a quiet place to think. He had always come here for a sanctuary. Always been here when he needed to think, but that was when the meetings didn't end in arguments. He entered the familiar kitchen, not even knowing how he managed to make it there. This kitchen wasn't what it was before to him, before it was a calm and powerful place. Now it was dirt, dirt where he had been humiliated many times before. He was finished with everyone, he wanted to escape this world. He was done with everyone's crap, he would end it all next time. Weather he blew Wilson's face off or managed to bring him down with words. He took a seat in a chair at the end of the table and groaned.

He was tired, but he needed to think. He had been through so much ever since he joined the damned Order. It was never anything good, he should've just stuck with the Death Eaters. It would've made life so much easier. He'd either be dead or attacking Muggles, maybe even enjoying life a little. All he needed was someone who could comfort him! Someone who he could confide in, he only thought of one person and that was Sophia. Emmy was gone, and she was never coming back. Matt stood up and walked over to the fireplace, he pulled out Sirius's wand and lit it. He was angry, but he couldn't let it escape. He just stood there looking into the fire, his hands in his jeans pocket.

Khaat arrived at Grimmauld Place, apart from meeting time, really wanting to talk to Jess. She was fed up with certain things in the Order that always seemed to repeat themselves. Argueing, pointless insulting, endless sarcasm. Sirius and Remus would have hung some of these disrespectful fools up by their arrogant toenails. The Order, at least back then, just knew better than to take things out on each other because it honestly did value each and every member. And Sirius and Remus meant business in those days. Not that Jess didn't trry. He truly did, but the Order seemed to be lacking any sort of structure anymore. Certainly no rules that anybody followed.

When she went into the house, to her surprise, she found Matt there, in front of the fireplace. He seemed as lost in his own thoughts as she had been since she walked out of the meeting. "Matt? What brings you here?" she asked gently. Rob had told her he had left the meeting right after her, as irritated as she had been. Perhaps together they could make some sense out of it.

For once in her afterlife, Walburga Black was actually being pleasant and was quietly talking to Rob in the hallway of Grimmauld Place. She’d apparently known his grandmother but he could never recall his grandmother ever speaking about the Blacks. Although, the woman was nearly one hundred so her memory was getting fuzzier. He hadn’t seen her in a while but the portrait seemed pleased to be talking to Rob. He wasn’t sure why but he knew not to ask. He didn’t want her to start shrieking at him. The quiet conversation was nice. They’d been talking about everything from spells to music and it seemed as if the woman had quite an ear for it even if it had been some time. He smiled at the woman and closed the curtains on her with a promise of cleaning the frame next time he came to talk with her. She wasn’t as bad as everyone said. Clearly they were either all blood-traitors of no worth in her eyes or they were just exaggerating. Both seemed plausible.

Rob left her company and headed for the kitchen. He’d stocked the kitchen for Jess’s benefit more than anyone else’s. The man liked his food a bit too much so Rob wanted to be prepared. Plus he was hungry and could have killed for a bowl of pasta. He walked into the kitchen and noticed Matt stood by the fire. He then noticed his wife’s presence in the room and walked over to her. He slipped an arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her cheek before voicing his concerns for their Minister, “Hate to be blunt mate but you look like you’ve been to hell and back. Is everything okay?”

Matt had been unawhere that there were other people in the room. He had been to intent on studying the fire and letting everything pass through his mind. His thoughts seemed to be magnified, as though they were right beside him yelling. He wanted them to shut up, for them to go away and leave him to himself. He never really got into using a pensieve, he wished he had though. All these thoughts crowded his mind. He found it hard to believe that he found his office every morning. With everything everyone expected him to know, and all the bottled up anger inside. Not to mention the other feelings that'd kill him if he didn't let them out sooner or later. He jumped when he heard Khaat's voice, it brought him crashing back into reality. Then turned around when he had heard Rob's, well both of the Dent's were here. So there was a chance, one would make him feel better, and the other make him laugh his guts outs.

He looked at them, his eyes watery, as though he was about to cry. But he held it in, he sniffled and gave a small smile. "Hey Khaat, hey Robby!" he said trying to hide the quivering tone. He couldn't show any emotions here. Rob and Khaat would overreact, they'd probably make him eat seven cakes and then drink a whole galleon of Butterbeer. "Well Rob I probably feel as bad as I look," he said. He gave into his emotions and slumped into a chair at the table. "I don't know how much longer I can survive," he said, the tears not breaking the surface yet. "Rob, I'd rather be in hell than live this life I live today. Khaat, I know you can help me more than anyone! I need you and Rob now, more than ever!"

He really did look like he’d been to hell and back again. It looked as if he’d made two trips as well. Rob’s hold around Khaat’s waist loosened a little when he realised just how torn up the guy was. He bit his lip and walked over to the kitchenette part of the actual kitchen. He opened one of the cupboards and took a pot of chocolate powder down. He got a mug and tipped some of the powder into it. With a few spells he added warm milk and had it all stirred in. He walked over to the table and placed the cup in front of Matt, not trusting him to hold it just in case he dropped it. He sat Khaat down in the chair at Matt’s left and took the seat opposite her.

He duplicated the mug of hot chocolate and pushed a mug towards her before taking his own. “Drink it, it’ll make you feel better.” He said simply. “Or at least, it’ll make you relax.” He pressed the cup into Matt’s hands, waiting for him to either take it or leave it, and smiled gently. “Just sort of... let it all out.” Rob mentally rolled his eyes, he was sounding like David trying to be compassionate. “What happened?” he asked carefully, deciding not push him with loads of questions or give him comfort food. He’d considered ice cream but Matt wasn’t a teenage girl suffering a breakup because he hadn’t understood the mind of a teenage boy. He was a fully grown man with responsibilities. He was the one who was supposed to keep it together. But even he needed someone to lean on. Everyone did.

((Khaat, sorry for the slight godmod but I don't think you wanted to stand there staring into space..))

Matt allowed Rob and Khaat to sit next to him, he needed someone to talk to. He really felt terrible, and in so many ways. He sighed and put his face in his hands, his elbows propped up on the table. He truly had know idea how long he'd get. He wanted to blow Wilson's head off, and he wanted to murder Majere in the cruelest way possible. But that was the Lestrange blood talking, there was still some of his aunt in him. Had he BEEN his Aunt Wilson wouldn't be alive and he'd probably be in Azkaban. His Aunt was powerful, but not THAT powerful. He looked as Rob got up and he felt a craving for some cold pizza. "Hey Rob, you think they've got any cold pizza in the fridge?" he asked as he sat back down.

Matt took the hot chocolate but didn't touch it. He wasn't sure if anything could make him feel better right now. He really could use a good brandy or a nice espresso. He couldn't be relaxed either, his life was too much for him. If it wasn't for the Order then Matt would've already had left the Ministry job. Not to mention if it hadn't been for Jess he would've stopped coming to meetings. "Rob, I really don't think I can sum it all up," he said and sniffed. "Ever since I joined the Order my life has gone down hill!" he said sitting back in his chair. "I think I'll need a brandy, not hot chocolate," he said knowing it was no good.

Khaat rose from her seat and looked in the cabinets. She found a bottle of dark rum and poured a healthy shot into Matt's hot chocolate. "Try that. You'll find it really is sinful," she smiled. She knew Rob would more than take care of Matt's food cravings. Rob always had a good answer for that.

"Matt, I know you've done so much good for so many people. That's not to say that I don't know you've also paid a price for that. I am not insensitive to all that. But how does the Order connect to all that? Actually, I am really glad you're part of the Order. You're family to Rob and me. There have been times I wanted to tell Jess to stick it, but I stayed--because my family and my friends are here. What I'm hearing is a lot of pain and anger in your voice. Where is all that coming from? What's hurt you so much? Maybe you dont' have to sum it up. Maybe you just need to start talking."

Matt was one of the few friends she had that Khaat would gladly do anything for. And she knew the feeling was mutual. She didn't like seeing him in pain, and would do whatever it took to help him feel better. Once she made a friend, she was hopelessly devoted and loyal. And Matt was one person she never had regretted befriending. Ever.

Rob was going to say that getting drunk wouldn’t get Matt anywhere but he bit his tongue and rose out of his chair. It would have been hypocritical for him to say that. He often solved his problems with alcohol but he would never say they were solved. His second ‘remedy’ was getting tattoos but he knew Khaat would put a stopper on it soon. He liked being a work of art in a way but he suspected she didn’t appreciate the so called art work. Matt just needed an outlet to throw all of his anger and sadness into. Rob could think of a few but none good enough. He doubted Matt would want to go for his last resort but it was always a challenge and a fun thing to do.

Upon opening the fridge, Rob stopped and blinked a few moments as his eyes got used to the bright light from inside the Muggle object. He pushed a few jars of pickles and beetroot away, mumbling something about messy order members, and took out a box of shrunken pizza. He closed the fridge door and enlarged the box. He walked back over to the table and put it down. He opened the box up and used his telekinesis to bring the cutter over. He cut up the slices to make them easier to grab and put the slicer on the lid of the box. He sat back and picked his hot chocolate up off of the table. He held it between his hands and discreetly turned it into Firewhisky. He felt like Jesus turning water into wine except cooler and alive.

“Khaat’s right, Matt.” Rob said after sipping some of the Firewhisky. “You just need to talk. It’ll help and once it’s out you’ll be able to get a firmer grip of it, understand it and decide what you want to do. Being in the Order is pretty shit I agree with you but it’s not worth quitting over. Not in the long run.” Liar His mind taunted. For once his little mindbuddy had a point. There was truly no point in sticking with the Order. He was basically only doing what other’s thought was right. No doubt if Jen finally got hired by someone he’d join the fold once more but he was waiting patiently, biding his time and setting his life up a little bit. “I don’t understand how joining the Order has changed everything so dramatically.”

Matt grabbed a piece of pizza and took a bite, it was good. But he wasn't sure weather his stomach could handle it. Matt then picked up the newly rummed hot chocolate and took a drink, it was amazing. And Matt though Rob was the drinker in the Dent family. He had done so much, but he never got any recognition for it. All anyone noticed was his faults. All the things he had done in the past he had messed up, and then they bring it back. He was finished with everyone's crap. Next time anyone mentioned anything against him he wouldn't take it. He needed to redesign himself, make it so nobody would mess with him. He needed an authority sort of look, his only hero had been his Aunt. Well, that wasn't his best choice now was it? He sighed and looked at Khaat, he smiled at her. "Khaat, one question at a time," he laughed.

"Talk about it..." he said more to himself than Khaat or Rob. "Well, all I can say is nobody respects me." he said sitting up again. "There really is no use sticking around in the Order! It's crap! Anyone in the past wouldn't stand for the disrespect shown in the meeting the other day!" he said slamming his fist at the table. "I'm not taking it anymore! Yes I feel like I want to die but I can hold that in!" he said and he could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks now. "I feel anger and I feel as though I'm not worth anything! I want to restart my life!" he said. "You guys ever felt like this before?" he asked them.

"Yes," Khaat admitted quietly. "I was feeling exactly the same way that night. I was thinking how Remus and Sirius would have had Wilson for breakfast. They just would not have tolerated the crap he was dishing out, and they would absolutely have taken Jess to task a long time ago, not that I have anythingn against Jess. I like Jess a lot, but he has to not allow so much horseshit in the meetings.

"I want you to stay in the Order. We need you. But we need to talk with Jess about changing some of this way that the meetings operate. And I think there are enough of us, with Rob and I and my parents and you, that we can probably make a significant impact by talking to him and trying to get him to get these meetings better organized, better run.

"I absolutely agree you need more respect. And if you can use me at the MInistry to help you obtain that, I'll be there for you. You know that. You only have to ask. Matt, the bottom line is that it is a waste of your efforts to worry about things that are not in your control. However, there are a great many things that are in your control, that you can change, that will make a huge difference in your life and a lot of others. Positive changes that will make an impact for a lot of people. You are needed. And there are a great many people who love you. I want you to know I"m with you in this. Just like I knew when you said you'd fight for me, I knew you'd do it. There was no doubt in my mind. I blew up because of the crappy attitudes of some of the others. I think we're tired of some of the same things. So--how about you let me help with those?"