Just looking thanks

Jess walked through diagon alley, an edgy look on his face. He was really quite adverse to walking through such an exposed, closed quaters area where anyone could jumo out at any time. Finally, much to his relief, he reached the store he'd been invited to. Sparks. He walked in and was greeted by the noises and smells of a successful restaurant, the scrape of chair, clatter of cuttlery, and of course the sound of many talking people, each trying not to be heard by each other.

He took a seat, one of the only ones left, and waited to be served, which didn't take long, clearly service was quite good here. After being asked if there was anytihng he would like he nodded and replied, "A pasta Carbonara, and if you wouldn't mind telling Ms Dent that Jess is here, that would be appreciated

Khaat got the word quickly that Jess was there, and she was delighted. She grabbed her own cup of French Roast, hoping that Jess was off of his game and would not see how desperately thin and pale she had gotten and would not notice the deep dark circles under her eyes. She was still ticked at Rob for taking her muggle makeup from her, but he seemed to feel it was something akin to putting frosting on one's skin. So, she had had to go without it until she could try to buy more. And that might take awhile. Despite the bistro's success, she was broke. Rob had lots of money, but he was still upset at how underweight she was for being pregnant. Khaat knew better than to ask for some for anything he disapproved of. And his guard over her was iron strong these days. He still had not let her return to St. Mungos.

She walked over to Jess's table and joined him. "I've missed you, Jess," she said softly, "but there's so much you don't know. So much that's kept me from being able to be a part of things lately. You deserve an explanation. You deserve better."

Wehn khaat sat down in front of him, Jess leaned over and gave her a hug, but stopped as he sat back down. "Are you alright?" he asked her, a concerned look crossing his face, "You feel... thin... er... than usual." he told her. With her being pregnant, that was very concerning. Clearly, as owner of sparks, she probably wasn't having eating problems, so it wasn't that... Perhaps she was worrying over something.

"Khaat?" he said inquisitively. "Are you ok?" He asked

"You've been a little out of the loop. And so have I," she said softly. "After Rob and I got married, a couple of days later, we had a huge fight and he left me. Well, so here's the thing. I don't handle grief well. Too many old wounds, I guess. So, I wanted just to not feel anything. And, well, I found a numbing potion in some really seedy place that is really back alley in Knockturn Alley, if that tells you anything. If it's not acceptable for Knockturn, it should have told me something.

"Anyway, I got addicted to this stuff immediately. Damn stuff nearly killed me, and I spent every cent I had on it. Scrambled my brains and my magic for a good long while, and nearly cost me my baby. Well, that brought Rob home on the double, and he and my father made sure I survived my own self destructive streak. But, its taken a toll. Anyway, that's where I've been. Mostly in a brain fog caused by that damned potion. Daddy says it's 90% toxin. Says I was lucky to have survived.

"My thinking is about 95% now, but it sure gave my self esteem a complex. Made me feel completely mental for a bit. Rob isn't letting me out of his sight--ever again, I doubt. And he won't even consider letting me go back to St. Mungos yet, much less anywhere else I could go without him. He lets me come here, so he can keep an eye on me, but that's it.

"I did owe you an apology, though. I wasn't there for the ministry battle. I had wanted to go, but, well, I wasn't in any sort of fighting condition. As far as my own plans, I don't know. Right now, I would love nothing more than to slip back to those seedy little devils and blow their little operation all to hell. But, I've never been the kind just to seek revenge for revenge's sake. I do want to be part of the Order again, but I'm not sure I can do active battle. Planning, behind the scenes things, maybe that. But I don't think you want me on your fighting squad again quite yet."

"Jess, there were so many friends I could have turned to, but I wasn't thinking. I could have certainly even taken up space at Grimmauld for a couple days. But I honestly didn't think about it. All I felt was more grief than I knew how to cope with. I owe you a huge apology. I'm so sorry. I am trying to get my life back, but I'm finding that is not as instantaneous as I would want it to be. So--for right now, I'm trying to make it right by starting with honesty to my friends." She took a slow, thoughtful sip of her french roast.

Jess nodded at the appropriate times and his eyes went wide when she mentioned where she'd bought the item, and what it was. That was quite surprising, he'd never pictured khaat as a substance abuser, never thought she'd resort to such measures. She was right of course, he needed the right people on his team, ones that would remain fully focused, and he knew that, he didn't like to think it, but he knew it was right.

Eventually he came to a decision. "You should've told me, or come seen me," he said to her, "However, i can understand why you did it, seeking relief of a pain that deep is human nature, though why you looked in avenues like that i don't think i could ever comprehend." He told her with a shrug. "In the manner of fighting, well i can agree with you there. I need concentrated, one hundred percent focused people, and i can agree that you'd not be in that mindstate yet. However, i would appreciated your attendance at meetings, even if just to plan. As you know, i highly regard your opinion." he told her with a quick smile

She''d seen his surprise. She'd gotten a lot of that lately, and she fully deserved it. It wasn't anything she would ever have done had she been thinking. It was about the farthest thing from what she believed in. What she had not expected to come so quickly was his understanding and acceptance--even if he hadn't liked what he'd heard. "You know," she said," I had sort of the same conversation with my father. He was pretty put out about the whole thing, actually. It was left to him to sort me out and put me back together. So by that time, he had several words for me. I guess I didn't go to him in the first place--my father, who is the most brilliant potionsmaster and healer I've ever met--didn't go to him because I knew better. If I'd have asked him for something like that, he'd have at the very least refused me. And that's at the very least. His resolution would have been--has always been--to not bury it but to learn how to let it go. Well, I guess I didn't want to hear it, and furthermore, had no idea how to do that even if I'd wanted to.Beside that, there was so much, it scared the hell out of me, and I don't scare much. Hardly ever.

"You're right. I should have come to you. I should have known that if I'd have been safe anyplace it would have been there. And that, at least there, I'd have had lots of friends at the Order. Jess, this isn't going to make any sense, but do you know, I held on to that damned grief for Remus since the day he was murdered all those years ago, when I was just a kid? Kept it inside. Never released it. Never shed a tear for him, And he was the man who raised me. I had to let go of that first before I could let go of the hurt I felt for losing Rob. His sister is a snake of a woman. She led me to believe that Rob had been involved with another woman, and it was all a lie. And Rob wasn't man enough to straighten it out. Part of him still wants to be freaking twelve instead of married. The other half of him is wonderful, and kind, and loving. So, I don't know what's going to happen next. Oh, and by the way, did you know he was an animagus? Yeah, he's a freaking labrador. I wonder when he was going to tell me about that. His explation for that was, 'But, honey, it just never came up!' Oh, honestly! My father finally told me about that. But that's another story altogether.


"But, yes. I would dearly love to come back and be part of the planning. Thank you for understanding. My father is working overtime to make sure that the baby and I are safe and that in due time, I will start looking less like a zombie. He's got all sorts of charms around me so that if I gt into even the slightest trouble, it will bring him on the double. So with that in mind, I think I will be back in fighting form at some point, but Rob is deadset stubborn that it won't happen until after my daughter is born. Well, if he doesn't stick around, he can stick that too. I'll fight when I want to, and he can go and be twelve. Abbey and I will be just fine. And, no, he won't get within 200 feet of his daughter."

She listened to her own anger still at Rob, and sighed heavily. "Sorry. But he's messed us up pretty badly, and so have I, and I don't know how to get it back. Not at least until we stop being angry at each other and at ourselves. I see him trying, but....ah, well...Let's move on to other topics. Update me on the Order. What's happening there?"