Admittedly, Alice deflated a little when Ollie declined to humour her. He should have known that lying about in bed wouldn’t nearly have the same appeal if he wasn’t there. She’d grow restless. She probably wouldn’t steal the Monday or if she did she’d swot Ariel away when he came home and sort through his dirty clothes and do all of the washing the flat had in order to preoccupy herself. Without Ollie, the sort of rest and recuperation she’d imagined wasn’t really going to take place. It would just be business as usual. In fact she’d probably pester his father for another case. At least at best she could holler at a few docked witnesses over a morning. It would be as though the whole debacle hadn’t happened. In some ways, that way of dealing it was probably better. It certainly fit the workaholic better.
She decided against letting the disappointment show. Instead she busied herself with the soap and scrubbing her skin clean. At least by the time she came to rinsing out her hair, she knew that once she was out of the shower and pyjama clad as Ollie had wanted for her she’d smell like herself again. She could curl up with the book she’d been reading all week, fresh from the bookshop that Monday gone, and she could read until sleep finally came. She didn’t feel tired yet. She supposed, though, that once she was in bed it would come almost immediately. She had no fear of that. Then, come Saturday, things would resume as normal. She’d go for a run. Maybe she’d go climbing because Merlin knew she hadn’t been in a while. Rest. Who needed rest, really?
“I’m not frightened,” she shook her hair out, washing the last of the suds away. She raised a wry eyebrow as though to say ‘don’t tempt me’ and smiled a little before putting the soap back on the shelf. It felt odd to say it, really, that she wasn’t frightened. It felt almost like a lie but it was true enough. It wasn’t Augustus Rookwood that had scared her. She’d dealt with his kind before in better circumstances and worse many times over. She was immune to that sort of bad boy aristocrat. No, what scared her was his power to determine what she had thought she’d moved past, what she’d thought she was over and was behind her. He’d called her Anderson. She was five years’ old again. Had she even been that old?
“I’m not frightened,” she repeated testily before slipping by and stepping out of the shower onto the rug. She pulled her towel off of the rail and wrapped it around herself, wishing that it was true. He’d known. She’d been frightened by that. He’d known and she felt as though her entire world was being dragged out from underneath her, as though she was being split irrevocably from Ollie. Only there hadn’t been such a schism. If anything, there was the complete and distinct opposite. People were going to be brought back together again and what frightened her was definitely the knowledge that sooner or later, Augustus would tell and soon after that she’d be looking Elijah in the eye and telling him the truth of what had happened.
“And I’m not going to stand idly by, either,” she told him, stripping his towel from the rail and holding it out. “But if I’m dead weight …” she averted her gaze, supposing that in a funny sort of way, she was. No, it wasn’t even funny. Not even mildly amusing. She was dead weight. A liability. She’d come out mostly unscathed from the battle but that was about keeping Death Eaters at arm’s length. Up close and personal, she was a wreck. She was always a wreck. Her father had always demanded strength from her, as though habit would somehow breed it into her where it seemed unnatural. Had she even been useful in that battle? She’d gotten a few advancing folks away from Ollie. She’d helped James and she’d rescued a cornered Victoire. But had it helped anyone, really?
Crippling self-doubt was not something that was unfamiliar to her. Wondering after whether he was enough for anyone or for anything seemed par for the course unless she was at work where she knew her own person and was arrogantly aware of her own worth to the law firm or to the Ministry, wherever she happened to be. It was something she was good at. The boundaries were simple, clear. The rules were unchanging. The cast of characters altered occasionally, the motive often bizarrely skewed. But she always got to the bottom of it. Always. She’d never had a problem. Yet this? All of this? Where on earth was her place? Where on earth was her use?
Alice left the bathroom and wandered into their bedroom with a furrowed set of brows. She found out a pair of pyjamas and slowly donned them before folding up her towel and sending it was a flick of her wand back into her bathroom. She turned her wand on herself then and dried her hair before plaiting it with a few rhythmic flicks. She set down her wand and reached up to rub at her forehead, passing a confused look in Ollie’s direction.
“Am I helpful?” She asked all of a sudden. “Out there … with the Order, I mean? I’m not … I’m … I’m only frightened of what might happen to you and what …” She plopped herself down on the bed, at a loss as to what to say next. “I’m not scared of my own shadow or of Death Eaters but I’m … I was scared what happened today and I was scared of what might have happened to you if I wasn’t there to make sure … I don’t …” she took a breath. “I don’t want to be a liability but I also don’t trust any of them to watch after you, either. I know … I know you can look after yourself but I don’t …” She shook her head and flopped back against the pillows.
“I don’t even know what I’m trying to say,” she complained sourly, draping her arm over her eyes. “I guess … I don’t want to be bait for Augustus Rookwood or for any other Death Eater. I want to be useful to you and the Order in other ways, in ways that mean I’m worthy of being there,” she sat up again, dropping her hands into her lap. “But if I’m not … I want you to tell me. I can swallow any fear but if I’m not … if I’m not helping. I need … I need to know, don’t I?” She lowered her gaze and sighed. “If there’s one thing I am frightened of then it’s losing you, Ol, and I hardly want to be responsible for it, nor do I want to not be there if it means I can stop it … so I just … I dunno.”