I'm Even Starting To Forgive Myself

"It's the second time this week, though!"

Holland turned on her heel, frowning down at Apollo as he finished his complaint. "I'm fully aware, thank you." She snapped, eyebrows tugging together in annoyance. He had been trying to convince her not to see Keiran again, considering he had only come in two days before, but she was having none of it. "He's in pain, kid. We couldn't fix him, so it's our job to figure out how to stop the pain."

"Fine," Apollo replied, huffing out a frustrated breath. "But I'm writing it down on the file so Khaat can see."

Holland rolled her eyes, leading the way into the lobby, where Keiran had refused to sit down. Apparently there was an older woman with her own walking issues, and the man had urged her to take his spot. Even with all of his issues, he seemed to be more concerned about others than himself. Frankly, Holland thought it strange, considering how much she had disliked the man's former house and his housemates. But she certainly wasn't complaining.

"Right," she began, approaching and giving him a quick once-over. He was tense, but it clearly wasn't from being uncomfortable. His knuckles were white where they clenched around the handle of his cane, and his expression was one of focus, but Holland couldn't decide if it was his attempt to ignore his leg or if he was trying to go through and remember whatever he thought was missing. "Ready, Keiran?"

He glanced up, blinking twice before nodding and starting after her. Perhaps this time they could find something that suited him better than the potions the professor had been taking. Clearly, they weren't enough. Then again, he was probably growing used to the weak stuff after a month or two of using the potions like some used alcohol. Holland was concerned, to be sure, but she had failed to solve the problem of the nerve damage in his leg, and it was probable that no one ever could. But she still had the chance to help him get rid of the pain, so she would do what she could to ensure that it was figured out.

The only thing she was a bit wary of? Apollo said that Keiran had been coming in more frequently than Holland had realized. She hadn't seen him except every other week or so, but it certainly sounded like he was visiting St. Mungo's more than he should have. Perhaps something else was going wrong, and they had missed it. Or he was just coming to rely on them and no one had thought to warn her. Lifting an eyebrow in his direction, Holland made a mental note to check the pharmacy records before he came in again.

Khaat was rather content to stay in her office, out of the way. As usual, Marcus was with her. She refused to go anywhere without him. She wanted more coffee.

"I'll get it," he told her. "I won't be gone a moment. I'll leave the door open so I can hear." He left to go a couple of doors down to the healers' lounge to refill her cup with French Roast. He could see the cold weather was making her shoulder and her arm ache miserably. She wasn't asking for pain potion, wasn't using it. It didn't have any effect, so she'd given it up. The only thing that helped was when she got home and Robert would draw it off for awhile.

As Khaat sat at her desk, one of Khaat's nurses came in with a concern about Kieran Hayes. He'd been here nearly daily. And he was here again. She listened to the nurse talk about concerns about far too many trips from Kieran looking for pain meds. Khaat pulled the pharmacy records and looked at them. She saw the repeated drains for pain medication.

She sighed heavily. She knew what nerve pain felt like. She knew how it could simply make someone utterly desperate. She lived with it every single day. This wasn't the answer, though. Nor could she have him manipulating her new assistant. Potions weren't going to necessarily give him any relief.

She handed the information back to the nurse. When Marcus came back, she looked at him.

"I need to go downstairs," she said to him.

"Okay," he said, going over to her and drawing her cloak around her shoulder. He drew her hair in front of the scars on her face and drew up the hood. He knew her insecurities entirely too well.

She got up, and Marcus took her downstairs. She hesitated.

"Problem?" he asked her, positioning himself to wait outside the door as usual.

"No," she said quietly. "None at all." She went over to the door and knocked briefly out of courtesy and then went in anyway. She looked at Holland, to try to signal her that she was only here to support and not to take over her case.

"Hello, Kieran," she said quietly. "Still having pain, I see. Talk to me. Tell me about the pain."

An eyebrow lifted in a mixture of confusion and slight embarrassment as Khaat walked in and Keiran found himself staring at the two women. Holland looked a bit surprised to see Khaat there, so the cautious and protective side of him relaxed a bit to know that he wasn't being ambushed. Then again, it was strange for the man to even consider the possibility. He had convinced himself a few weeks ago that there was nothing wrong that coming in, even if it wasn't Holland that he was meeting with. Apollo had been giving him strange looks, and Keiran found that he believed the boy lucky not to be in Keiran's class. Grudges were harder to get rid of, lately.

A dissatisfied sound left his throat as he sat himself on the nearby chair Holland had pointed to just before Khaat walked in. Holland leaned against the counter, crossing her arms over her chest and watching him curiously. Keiran shot her an unamused look but did his best to keep the frustrated feeling packed away as he turned back to Khaat.

"It doesn't go away, really," Keiran began, frowning in hopes of appearing as pained as he felt. He had grown used to hiding it, but now he didn't really have to. It was a huge relief, he found. "I mean, I haven't exactly talked about it at work, and I try to cover it. But the pain gets worse when I try to... well, to remember. There are gaps, and I can feel them, and it makes everything worse. Whatever I'm being given is just not cutting it."

"You didn't tell me how frequently you'd been coming in, Keiran," Holland chided, earning herself another frustrated look from the man in question.

"You weren't checking the records." He pointed out unhelpfully, lifting a challenging eyebrow.

"I didn't expect you to break the rules. To hurt yourself. I guess you've proved me wrong," Holland returned, looking disappointed in Keiran as well as in herself. "I expected more from you."

"I'm not twelve," he pointed out, narrowing his eyes. "And I'm in pain. I didn't have much of a choice."

"I do know what that feels like," Khaat said gently, not wanting him cornered. She sat down and looked at him.  "Just so you know, though, you're going to create a cycle where the more you try to help yourself, the less results you're going to get.

"Here's how it works.  You find that, at first, the pain potion gives you a bit of relief.  But it isn't enough or it doesn't last long enough--or both. So you take just a smidge more. Or sooner.  Just to take the edge off.  And before long, you're out of potion. Or you find that what you're taking just doesn't get it anymore. So you're out of potion.  

"And that brings you back here because it feels like the pain you have gets worse all the time.  And, to some extent it does. Rebound pain--which is part of what you're experiencing--is always worse than the original pain.  And every time you take more medication to ward off the rebound pain, it rebounds even deeper and sharper. It gets you caught in a cycle.

"And that brings you back over and over, taking more and more...and in the long run, you do permanent damage to your body by taking so much potion.

"That's how addiction to pain potions get started," she said softly.  "Kieran,  did I ever show you my shoulder? I know about your leg. I know about your head. But maybe you need to see for yourself that I do get it."  

She unfastened the cloak pin and let the cloak drop to her chair.  She had a black crocheted bateau neck sweater. She simply slid it off her left shoulder to reveal the hideous mauling her shoulder had taken, the mauling that had left her left arm and hand entirely paralyzed with destroyed bone and missing tissue and scars that took most people an iron constitution just to look at.

"I do understand your pain," she said to him softly.  "I know what its like for it to never ever stop. I know what it feels like when it feels like if you have to deal one more second you're going to lose your sanity.  I get it."

Neither Keiran nor Holland actually knew what to do with themselves while Khaat spoke. Holland deflated a bit, but Keiran actually stiffened and sat up straighter, focusing his entire attention on the older of the two women. She spoke the truth, certainly, as far as he could tell, but when she moved aside her cloak and sweater. A dark frown fell over his face at the sight, immediately reminded of Millie, though his wife's injuries were somehow minor in comparison. Obviously, Millie may not think so herself, but looking at them, Keiran knew an honest comparison would rank his wife's farther down the list.

"This may be a fairly personal, or even potentially awkward question, but... how are we meant to deal with this? It won't end, as far as I can tell." Keiran wanted to be careful about her issues, but they had a shared problem, so perhaps it wasn't as much of a prod as he imagined it could come off as.

Holland, however, was unamused. "That's optimistic of you."

"Are you incapable of saying anything pleasant?" Keiran snapped, tossing a disapproving look in Holland's direction.

The brunette scowled at him, pointing out, "I'm merely agreeing with Khaat, okay? Calm down. I do mean to help."

Keiran lifted the end of his cane, pointing it in Holland's direction. "What you're doing is insulting the both of us because you feel uncomfortable. I had expected you to do a better job of hiding it." He pushed the cane through the air, towards her, just the once before he let the tip fall to the floor again.

Holland clearly agreed with him, because her cheeks tinged pink. From what Keiran understood, the woman was not used to being corrected, or being told she was simply wrong. And she had messed up, thus leaving her without any certain place among the trio. She was the least distraught out of the three of them, though, Keiran supposed. She hadn't just bared her secrets or been caught doing something that - though unintentional - was technically wrong. Khaat was with him in that.

"Aside from that," Keiran muttered, turning back to Khaat, "I don't see the good in suffering through this for the rest of my life. No one has been able to fix it, and nobody can. This wasn't done with any physical attack. It was some... dark curse of some kind. They tried to use magic to fix it and it got far worse. So nothing that I know of can sort this out."

"You could be right--perhaps. It might not end. Having magical abilities does not guarantee miracles," she said gently. "And, incidently, this isn't about Healer Fox and her abilities or your expectation that she is going to be unable to take you at your word. She's a fine healer, and you know it. You're taking out your frustration on her.

"You're upset. Understandable--and normal. The frustration, the fear of the pain, the emotional fatigue, the anger, all of it. Its normal. Those of us that have constant pain have to deal with all of it.

"So--i'm going togive you some perspective--whether you like it or not. Its okay to feel all of those things. Its not okay to get stuck in them to the point where you stop living your life. Nor is it okay to take out those emotions on everyone else.

"Learn how to not be afraid of the pain. In truth, sometimes the pain can feel intolerable, but it won't actually kill you, and, panicking about the pain can actually increase it.

"Most of the battle in dealing with constant pain is in your mind. As dealing with mine is in mine. Take it one day at a time. Or one hour at a time--or one moment at a time--whatever it takes.

"Learn what you can do that takes the edge off. Whether its heat, ice, herbal teas, or redirecting your focus to other things. And don't stop doing the things you can still do that you enjoy. Its more important than you know.

"If its a curse, then it absolutely is reversible. Maybe not overnight but it is fixable. But--if its a curse, there is a possibility that I might be able to draw some of the pain off for a period of time. I don't know how much or I don't know how long it will last. Or if it will work at all. But, if you like, I'm willing to try."

Holland unfolded the arms she had crossed in front of her chest in defense as Khaat spoke. Keiran was shifting in his seat, clearly wanting to agree with her assessment of his motives but not quite humble enough to do so. Or, perhaps, he just had a tiny bit too much pride, whether he was humble or not. Holland had no knowledge of the man outside of appointments and general rumors about him, though there weren't actually as many of those as one might think, considering his job and his history with the Ministry.

"It's... difficult for me," Keiran began slowly, "to consider changing how I am when I've got my wife and her ideals to contend with. It sounds crazy, I'm sure," he conceded, running a hand over his face as if it would make him feel less exhausted. "I haven't told her it's getting worse. How can I, when she's all injured and having to deal with me not remembering things? When she's got her own injuries to worry after. Even if it's clearing up, she doesn't ever seem comfortable, and I can't just tell her that things are wrong. She needs to think I'm okay."

The idea that Khaat could see it going away was both relieving as well as shocking. He had come to think of himself with the cane as part of who he was. The idea that he would perhaps not have to worry about that was slightly frightening, but Keiran had a feeling that he would get used to it eventually.

He knew, though, that if she took the pain away, he would be far more likely to take out his frustration on those around him. Losing pain only to get it back again would make it feel like it hurt more than it really did, even though it was probably just the same level. His mind, Keiran had learned, liked to play tricks on him. So it was only fair that he hesitated after Khaat's offer.

Finally, he let out a sigh and nodded. "If we don't try, I'll regret it. But if the pain has to go somewhere, I don't want to pass it to anyone else."

"I'll take it."

Keiran looked up, surprised at Holland's offer. "I mean, I'm not sure if anyone has to," Holland clarified, "but I don't mind."

"Well," she said, "those might be two distinctly different issues. In order to live with Millie, you might well need to adapt--change how you are. Part of that is just marriage. Its about change and compromise. But marriage is also about honesty. I'm not the final authority on Millie and how she works, but what I do know about her is that she does need honesty in her life. She doesn't need you to be as whole as you think you need to be, but she does need you to be real with her, and reality changes by the moment. I think she'd rather have an honest relationship that was a bit rough than a blissful façade. But that's a choice only you can make. My first marriage was the blissful façade. And its why I now have a second marriage--with a mutual commitment of honesty.

"He knows very well about my pain, and he knows it stinks some days. He knows when the pain potions work and when they don't. He knows when I feel like the pain has taken away all my value, and when I feel like I can rise above it.

"For me, the pain creates enough emotional fatigue all on its own. I don't need to double that negativity by trying to be what I used to be too. That hasn't worked well for me.

"If I take this pain away from you for awhile, you will be very tempted to try to do all the things you couldn't do before. Do try to avoid that. If you don't, you will seriously overextend yourself and hurt twice as bad when the spell wears off. Use this time wisely--to rest and recharge. To do gentle activity that allows you to shift your mindset and regroup."

She was a bit surprised at Holland's offer to receive Kieran's pain if that was necessary. She wasn't surprised he wasn't willing to pass it on to someone else.

"It isn't necessary for anyone to keep your pain," she told him. "But it does help if you're willing to let go of it. How it works is that I transfer that negative energy to me and then simply allow it to pass through. Someone who heals by touch does have to know how to be grounded in order to not merely absorb whatever they're drawing off. I do wish it were permanent, but lets see if we can get some sort of temporary results first of all."

She laid her good hand on his leg to draw the pain off his leg, letting his negative energy pass through her. It was going to take a moment. There was quite a bit of pain and discomfort there, she felt. When she felt like she could draw no more from his leg, she removed her hand.

"Any better at all?" she asked.

It felt wrong, somehow, to sit and take advice from Khaat. But at the same time, it made a lot more sense than Keiran wanted to admit. Knowing full well that he hadn't come in for relationship counseling (how ironic was that? Seriously.), he had to take everything with a grain of salt. Yes, Khaat understood the pain and all that came with it. But she didn't understand the apparently screwed up past between Keiran and his wife. Even he didn't understand it now that his memory was on hiatus.

"At least," Keiran offered finally for lack of anything better to say, "I won't be ridiculously grumpy the next time I see her. Or, you know. Probably. Hopefully." A slightly bemused look crossed his face, but he offered Khaat a tight smile.

It made him feel better, to be sure, that he wouldn't be passing on the pain to anyone - especially Holland, with whom he only sometimes got along. But then Khaat reached over, and it was like his leg went numb. It wasn't even like he felt better so much as he just didn't feel anything. Either way, it was amazing. And brilliant. And any other adjective he could think of that meant "good."

A sigh of relief left him, even before Khaat moved away. Holland's eyebrows lifted in a sort of question, trying to assess whether or not it was working properly. As Keiran's eyes closed, though, she determined that it was probably doing the trick. When he opened them again, he looked less stressed. In fact, he seemed almost content. Comfortable.

"I didn't expect it to be perfect," Keiran admitted, "considering we can't be sure what the curse was, exactly. Or, I've not figured it out yet. But this is even better than I could have asked for." His eyes widened, and his next words came out almost breathily. "Thank you."

Holland pushed off of the counter, crossing her arms in front of her chest in a fairly relaxed manner. "Looks like you'll get a nice, restful day with your wife, hey?"

"Let's hope she's had a good day, too," Keiran agreed, one corner of his mouth lifting. "This could change things."

"Just remember not to try too hard," Holland warned. "Like Khaat said, it would just be worse if you attempted anything you're not ready for. So don't go running about or lifting anything heavy. Don't stress the already tattered muscles. Besides, I'm not sure any of us know how long it will last."