I Blame You

Henry wasn't supposed to be out of the house, he was supposed to stay inside. That had been what Sophia had told him, at least until he could manage himself and know he wouldn't be tempted to slip if the opportunity had arose. So far on his trip to Hogsmede it hadn't. He'd seen no death eaters, no drug dealers and no Lily Potter either. Oh Lily. He hated the fact he blamed her but really it was her. It was her that led him to the darkest point he'd been. Before her he'd been part of the death eaters sure and was a regular spice consumer but it had been the high with her that had convinced the death eater being high was the ultimate sensation. A feeling that couldn't be topped.

Really Lily wasn't the one to blame. Henry had been addicted by that point but now that was a memory. Now Henry was clean and had been for three weeks today. Three weeks was something the death eater though was special, something to celebrate, which was the reason he found himself in Hogsmede on this fine summers afternoon. Unfortunately he wasn't alone.

Carriages being pulled by themselves, or at least to Henry they were, trundled along the outskirts of the village from Hogwarts to Hogsmede station. Clearly it was the last day of school. Some of them would be leaving forever, some perhaps be leaving with their mind buzzing about the last quidditch game and others would have enjoyed their first year. Hogwarts was a place filled with happiness, of love and friendship. At least for Henry that's what is represented. Despite being the place he first dabbled with dark magic it would always remain that kingdom of light. Then again, Henry-on-drugs might blame it as the reason for his addiction like he blamed everything else. No. Blaming someone wasn't the way to fight through his disease, yet the ex-Gryffindor couldn't help but blame Lily Potter. Why? Because she had simply been- here!

His eyes widened. Why wasn't Lily in one of the carriages going home? Why was she walking through the streets of Hogsmede and with a look of annoyance pressed on her face? Had something happened at the school? Had Lily failed? Wait. Did Lily even still attend Hogwarts? All the time they'd gotten high together she'd never brought the subject of education up.

Too shocked to encounter Lily Henry froze. His muscles stiffened whilst his breathing heightened. Sophia had been right. It was too soon for him to leave the house. It was too soon to think he could handle an encounter like the one he was about to have. Why hadn't he listened?

She was a fool.

She had known that going to graduation would not help. She had known that it would mean opening herself to insults and cruelty, that it had the potential to set her back again, that it might reveal that all hope for a peaceful final year would be dashed.  But she convinced herself to go. That if things ended in disaster, at least she would not be home wondering. Now, she would have traded wondering for the certainty that the next year was going to be hell.

She had gone to try to prove to herself that she could do this. There had also been the hope of proving to her only ally that she was worth investing in. She had hoped that going would be evidence that she was not this ragdoll incapable of controlling her own fate, that she could make choices, that she could get up and do something. But her peers, her classmates… They had assured her that she was as out of control as always. She would never be able to best them.

She pulled her leather jacket on over the dress she had donned for the evening, her breathing ragged as she quickly stalked out of the castle. She made her pauses here and then to catch her breath, to wrestle her emotions back to a state that was more under her own abilities to control. She got her breathing under control around the Garden of Solace, and her emotions were pretty much in check once she passed the Three Broomsticks. Her hands were tucked into the opposing crooks of her elbows, head bent, fixing a slight scowl on her face to keep any threat of tears or hopelessness away.

When her head was lifted, she found a familiar face. Familiar faces were not common for the girl. Most of her time was spent wasting away in her room, seeing the same faces of her family and company, shuffled according to the rounds of the day. The only face to interrupt that pattern had been one that had clambered through her window. But here was another one, one she had not seen since the Ministry debacle. If it had been up to her, she would have visited Henry after his overdose, the way she had done before,  but in the panic, she had been stolen away be her brothers and how could she explain that? Sorry, James, I’d love to come with you, but my addict-friend just had an overdose and I’d like to visit him. See you at dinner? No, she had returned home and paced her floor until she had fallen asleep, and the next morning when she read the story in the Prophet, there was no death announcement. So, he was fine and a visit was unnecessary. Besides, she had no proof that he would even want to see her.

But with him right in front of her, there was no reason to avoid him. She felt miserable, but she would feel even worse if she brushed him off now. So she swallowed back down any potential feelings of leftover hurt and continued her way up the path, stopping before him. She tightened her hold on her arms, shifting from foot to foot. And with a big breath, she broke the silence.“Hi.”

Crap. She'd seen him. He could hardly turn around and walk away could he, no matter how much he needed to. Alas he had come face to face with Lily Potter and the fact she approached him didn't help matters either. She didn't know he was clean, off the drugs, was he to tell her or not?

Maybe he would cut ties with her. It would pain him for she was with him during the time of his addiction, Lily had become a sort of friend to Henry he'd even thought maybe more at one point but surely that had been the drugs talking? Now he was clean and his head clear he took in her features. She was pretty, naturally, but her eyes looked sad and lost, her arms unwelcomingly folded and her tone of voice was glum. Lily wasn't good for him, he needed to recover and Lily wasn't the person to be around and do just that with.

'Hi.' He replied awkwardly not really knowing what to say. 'How have you been?' He asked. Was this the right thing to say? Had she been well? If she had then great! If not... If not, if she hadn't change would Lily expect an invitation to get high as they had done times before? Would Henry be able to refuse?

She was still reconciling this turn of fate when he responded, about as certain as she was in his greeting. It seemed neither felt particularly graced by the world today - she could see misfortunate written all over his face. She wavered on her spot, completely at a loss for what to do, because she still had no idea what it was exactly that Henry Yewbeam was to her. She knew he was an addict. Threats had become protection, as she had saved him when he found himself in a strange predicament with Hallie Rookwood and a strange Rookwood man - a situation Henry was yet to explain to her. But she had now seen him in the hospital twice, having taken him the first time and helped him escape the second. She should have been their the third. Even though she wasn't sure if they were even friends, she knew she should have been there.

"I've been better," was her only response to his question, a response that she had become very accustomed to giving. It was a much better pill to swallow than 'I have been horrible, thanks' for some reason. People never liked bold honesty, though, so Lily would chalk it up to that. It wasn't a lie, but it was almost an omission, so she supposed it was gentler than the rough truth. She wanted to ask him the same question, but he was sure that she would recieve much of the same. And she was sick of lies, even if they were only of omissions.

"I'm sorry I didn't check on you at the hospital," Lily began uncertainly. "After the riot, that is. I mean... I wanted to. But my brothers were there, and they picked me up, and I haven't exactly been well enough to go outside, in their opinion. Went from one jail to another." She attempted a smile - it was this new trick Stewart had taught her - but it flickered and died on her face. She reached out to her arm and squeezed her forearm, still completely uncertain as to what she was doing or if she was helping at all. "But I really am sorry. I wanted to go."

Henry listened to her apologies. She'd been well, safe, and like Henry by the sounds of it she hadn't been getting high. Then again Lily wasn't addicted, at least not that Henry was aware. It had probably been easier for Lily to stay by her brothers than what Henry had been through, then maybe he was just being biased but spending a week undergoing severe withdrawal symptoms, coming to terms with his life, facing all his problems. It hadn't been easy and the death eater would much rather have gotten high but it was worth it, or so Sophia had said.

'It's good you didn't come.' Henry replied bluntly, stopping himself from saying why. Was it wise to tell her that he had been getting sober, clean from the drugs? Wise to tell her it's good she didn't go or he'd probably be high right now? The more Henry thought about it it really must have been Lily holding him back from the drugs. He'd stopped going to work to get high, sometimes with her. He'd stopped doing work for the death eaters, he was still a member of course, but a lazy one.

'I'm clean.' He added as an afterthought. He may as well tell her. And sorry for dragging you down with me. Is what he should have also said, but those words were bitten at the tip of his tongue, swallowed back inside him. If it had been anyone else then Henry perhaps would have found the courage to say the words, it was a step in his recovery to apologise to those he'd hurt in some way but they simply couldn't be said to Lily. Henry blamed Lily.

'It's good you didn't come.'

Lily certainly did not expect Henry to think well of her, or to like her, or to even care what she did or did not do. But this statement hit her strangely, seeming to find target somewhere in her chest. The impact was so heavy, in fact, that she shifted her feet and one slipped behind her, giving the appearance that it had even pushed her back ever so slightly. She stared at Henry, more open in her confusion, in her surprise. She was a lost soul and it was even harder to find her path when one of her guides seemed not to want her around.

"I..." she started, but what could she say. She did not even know what he meant by the statement, let alone how to respond to it. Did he mean that she was better off than associating with him, because he knew full well that she had ceased to give a damn. Or did he mean he did not want her there? She could not see that being possible. She remembered the look he had given her in the holding cell in the Ministry. What could cause a change so quickly?

"Yeah," she said a little hollowly. Again, they fell into silence. She betrayed a small look of sorrow, before glancing down at her feet. She was drawn out of it by an important declaration on his part. She lifted her head and stared at him for a moment, surprised, waiting for confirmation. He did not further confirm, but he did nothing to deny it either. She had to take it as fact. She blinked once. Twice.

Clean. What would clean feel like?

"Wow," she finally managed. "I... Congratulations." She had not had much Sugar or Spice, but that was mostly for lack of access. The onyl opportunity she got was when everyone was gone, and that rarely happened. Besides, alone in her room it was easier to read and sleep rather than smoke. She still felt a negativity between them and she shifted her weight again. "I'm sorry, are you... are you upset with me?"

She was sorry. She was sorry. Sorry. Did she really think that sorry would make him want to continue their conversation. It was because of her his addiction had gotten to the stage it was at, he found a companion in her that was associated with drugs. He'd been lonely for a long time, lost his way, lost his place in his world and when he met Lily that seemed to mend. It was good, but along with it came more drugs, drugs were how the two had bonded and Henry was mad because of it.

On one hand he was glad that Lily hadn't been to visit him, hadn't sent letters. It made his recovery easier, especially in the early stages when his withdrawal symptoms were peaking. Although he thought he'd found a friend in her. A friend. Pfft. A friend would care, they wouldn't drag you down and encourage an addiction like she had done.

Henry was starting to wish he had taken Sophia's advice to stay in the house. This casual trip to Hogsmede was slowly becoming a confrontation match. Was he upset with her? Of course. Did she not know the reasons why, if she thought about things then maybe she could overcome her selfishness and realise how negative she'd been in Henry's life.

'No.' Henry was a terrible layer. His eyes quivered, his cheeks faltered and his lips came together quiet thinly. For a moment the death eater simply stood, staring up above Lily's head. How could he look at her and lie? Sure he was mad at her but a part of him still cared, or was starting to care or whatever it was he felt. It hurt him that she was the problem.

Since Lily had dropped out of Hogwarts, her social life had not exactly been thriving. For the first month and a half or so, she had barely ventured beyond her bed, only risking trips to the restroom. Food was brought to her by Albus and Athena. Teddy was the one who gave her any semblance of company, forcing her to shower and to change her clothes and to at least do some stretches to make sure she did not lose all of the muscle on her body. She was already nearing skeleton status, for lack of eating and movement. Everyone was worried for her body, but she was much more worried about her mind.

She had been reading, yes,  devouring close to a book a day, but there was no stimulation outside of the books. No company to push her buttons, no adventures, no art, no trouble, no intrigue. Until the day Stewart Harding crawled through her window. He had given her something to look at, something to think about, and something to look forward to. She had been hoping to see him again tonight... she had not expected a reminder of the darkness she had stepped into. But despite that, she was pleased to see Henry. She just didn't know why he didn't reciporcate the feeling.

Hadn't they almost been friends once?

She crossed her eyes, scuffing the ground with the ball of her feet. She stared at the ground fo a moment, finally gathering that Gryffindor bravery she was supposed to have an abundance of. "Why... Why are you lying to me?" She lifted her head, shrugging. "Like... I am sorry. And you're obviously... mad or something and I don't know why."